Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
He keeps lying to me(28 Posts)
My relationship is fake. It’s a joke. It’s built on lie after lie and I can’t seem to end it. I can’t turn off loving him, even though he clearly has no love or respect for me. I can’t stand to lose time with our DD because of HIS choices, I’ve been a model partner, never done him wrong, I can stand tall and know I’ve always put him and our DC first, and it’s just so so hard to accept that you are never worth enough for them to not do shitty things to you, and to not lie - if you’re lying about something, even if it’s stupid, you’re lying because something in your head tells you it’s not right aren’t you? So if you still go ahead and do it anyway, you don’t care one fucking iota - do you??? I know that my life is just one big worthless fucking lie, and that I mean nothing to the person I am so committed to and it hurts so much.
This hits home for me I was in an abusive relationship and it took a lot to get out of it. You need to do what's best for you and your child/children ! If he lies to you he isn't worth your time or energy . You need to have a think about what you want to do to make you happier. After I left mine it was the best decision I ever made and I hope you get happiness with whatever you choose! If you need anyone to talk to about this just give me a message ❤ if the love is one sided it is so not fair for you !
He continues to lie because there are no consequences to his lies. Make him feel some consequences and I don't necessarily mean by ending the relationship, although depending on the lies you could consider it.
If you're not ready to leave him yet, you need to emotionally detach, so it's easier to leave when you're ready.
Develop a life outside of him and be clear you have no trust in him.
You deserve better and you can get better, but not from him. Show him and yourself that you're worth more, by drawing the line, at least after lockdown, and ending it with him.
I think that’s what’s harder, I have no life outside of him, I have no friends, no social circle, I will lose my step child as well as him, and he will make my life hell, he will give our child all that I can’t, he will rub it in my face, and he I will have to watch him be with other people, and maybe, just maybe, one day be the man that I deserved and it’s breaking my heart. Weve gone through it over and over and I keep freely giving him back my trust, and bang, another lie! Worst thing is what he’s lied about isn’t an ending relationship offence, but in his head he still thinks lying and me not finding out is the better option over telling the truth and me maybe being a little irritated (something he could also prevent, if he changed other aspects, think along the lines of going out of his way to help anyone and everyone, including people who should be off limits, but never helping me, whereas if he helped me, I probably wouldn’t be bothered about him being so nice to other people would I???) it’s all so fucked up, and this time, I’ve found out by snooping, so am trying to keep my gob shut as I want to have the upper hand.
Only you can change this situation, love
You should just have a really big think about this all then make a decision and stick to it x even tho it's hard for you
I can’t seem to end it. I can’t turn off loving him, even though he clearly has no love or respect for me. ... Weve gone through it over and over and I keep freely giving him back my trust, and bang, another lie
Do you WANT this to be your life?
Love is a feeling. It's possible to `sit` with a feeling, without acting on it. Just because you (think you) love him doesn't mean you have to dance to his tune!
He has shown you who he is....... et cetera, et cetera. What's actually stopping you from believing him?
Can you start loving yourself MORE than you love him? You have one, just this ONE!!!!, precious life. Why would you want to waste it on someone who causes you so much pain?
NB: you will find this book helpful: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Do read it - you won't regret it.
Just don’t see how my self esteem could ever survive being the best possible partner I can be, and literally being worth nothing. I already have one ex that thinks I’m scum, clearly the current one also does despite me trying so hard every damn day of my life to be the best mum and partner I can. If I listed it all, honestly I’d be torn apart for having been such a mug, I deserve no sympathy, because I’m allowing this. I’m torturing myself and I just can’t seem to break free
Start doing the freedom programme on line.
You have picked abusive partners twice in a row.
Sorry the biscuit was an accident.
Whatever you do do in the end, address the 'no life without him' bit of what you've written. X
I do try, I think I’m a really good friend, yet every “close” friend I’ve ever had, has just stopped being my friend, and I don’t even know why for the most part. Maybe it is me.
So sorry you're in this position. I am too and it's horrible. I just don't understand how it can be so hard to just tell the truth? Like you, when I really sit and think about it, it's obvious that he has zero respect for me. Yet I continue to bury my head in the sand and pretend that it can all work out and be okay. In my head I know that I should leave and refuse to be treated like a mug, but yet somehow that feels impossible. If I raise issues he turns them around on me and then I panic thinking that he's going to leave.
Sorry, that's probably no help. But I definitely relate and you have my sympathy - no-one deserves to live like this.
@SpringFlowers2020 I’m sorry you’re going through the same, it helps to know that I’m not crazy to be this conflicted, human emotions aren’t just as simple as switching off, I wish they were!!! I really just keep hoping he will one day be scared of losing me and change, and yes, I do know how laughable that sounds.
Surely he must feel guilt? I seriously think mine is a sociopath and I don’t believe he feels normal emotions I really don’t. It’s heartbreaking! And half the time it’s over such stupid stuff! I’ve even told him so many times “bare in mind, if I ask a question, I probably already know the answer, so think very carefully” but no, he thinks I’m an idiot and treats me like one!
Op it's not you!
My ex did the same to his ex and has left both dc behind ( we have one each from him)
Before I left I built myself up, gained the confidence I let go for my twat ex.
I remember near the end I kept saying ' I can do anything absolutely anything because your abuse me either way!'
I can tell you to Fuck off, sleep around, not make dinner it doesn't matter because when I do everything and I mean everything right you start a fight, leave, shout, this hoes ok got weeks and you threaten to kill yourself so I forgive.
It felt absolutely powering to finally realised he was the problem and I didn't need it
I deserve no sympathy, because I’m allowing this. I’m torturing myself and I just can’t seem to break free. ... I really just keep hoping he will one day be scared of losing me and change, and yes, I do know how laughable that sounds. Surely he must feel guilt?
Can you love yourself? Let go of this illusion and look after the only person on this earth who will always have your back?
“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much
Why are you even still there? Are you that low in self esteem you think that’s all your worth. Seriously there are more shots than decent peope but surely you’d rather be alone than live like you are. He don’t respect you, he treats you like he don’t even like you if all he does is lie. You aren’t the cause it’s who he is
you can love someone and still let them go if they're bad for you......
I think that friends may have drifted away op because they cannot bear to stand by and witness your part in your own destruction
What is this toxic environment teaching your DD about relationships? This is her blueprint for her future. What would you advise if she was in a dysfunctional relationship with a liar who regularly stomped on her boundaries?
The worrying part about people who do this is that they don't see their behaviour as bad, like it's OK to do it to you.
My ex was a compulsive liar, cheat, mind games etc. He would do bad things, I would react, and then he would twist it round on me. I have a child with him so can't get away, but if I could, I'd run a mile.
I don’t know how much longer I can cope 😞
Talk to us OP - has something happened today to open your eyes even wider? I'm so sorry love, you are in such a shit situation and he's an arsehole. But he doesn't need to control your mood and your life force, it might feel impossible but you can get out. Lots of us have and we know how awful and difficult it is but we know it's possible I promise
I'm sorry op. I have been in a toxic abusive relationship with a gaslighting lying narcissist. Thankfully I'm out now. But I went through years of abuse, before the scales dropped, and honestly, once they had, and I could see how he was treating me, what he thought of me, what I was putting up with- it was harder and more soul destroying than the years of denial. It still took me a long tome to leave, because I succumbed to the sunken costs fallacy and didn't want to believe that he'd always been this, always done this and there wasn't a thing I could do to change it.
I wanted to get out but was so scared it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire. I felt that with him I could somehow control, or mitigate the worst of him.
I did eventually leave, and I won't say it was easy- he really did make my life hell for a while. But now, I'm so happy and free and human. Not a zombie , moving through the motions of my life (and you only get one!) hoping for change.
He still tries to make my life hell- the main difference is how I feel about me, how I react and frankly how little I care now that I am happy again.
I hope you get the strength to leave. It's a long road, but so is the road you are currently on. Good luck x
Please login first.