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He's moved out and wants 50:50 custody of DD

(124 Posts)
paperweight1992 Wed 22-Apr-20 07:03:52

I've been advised to start a new thread as I had wrote on here asking for advice on a few issues but yesterday things took a turn for the worse and my Husband continued to call me even worse names and be even more aggressive and I couldn't take it anymore so I asked a family member to come and get me and DD.

(He'd been wasting our money and getting us into financial strain and then telling me it's none of my business, keeping us awake on shouting his console all night then sleeping all day, not doing a single thing around the house or with DD, and anytime I asked him for help or suggested he wasn't being very nice I got called every name under the sun including bitch, the C word and fat. Ever since the lockdown and him not working he just has turned absolutely vile, and I know everyone is probably having a few issues but honestly it was unbearable. I felt like I couldn't say anything to him or ask for any help because he'd just go absolutely nuts at me. The night before last I asked him to be quiet whilst he was gaming as he'd woken our DD, but he got so angry he came upstairs screaming and called me a bitch in front of her and was really aggressive.

He left the house and has gone to his moms for a while, so me and DD can have the house as obviously all of her stuff is here so it makes sense.

We've had absolutely no contact since yesterday and I've asked a family member of his if they will be the go between for a while until he cools down as I think if we speak any time soon he will just give me more abuse.

His family that I spoke to yesterday are implying he wants 50:50 custody of DD and whilst I am happy for him to see her, there's no way I'm happy with 50:50 custody. He has avoided her like the plague in this house, shown no interest in taking care of her and he hasn't had her for longer then 5 hours by himself since she was born. I'd be worried sick.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking that he's going to try and take her away from me today.

OP’s posts: |
Aussiebean Wed 22-Apr-20 07:10:35

He can say what he likes to a second party to look good and not the arse he is, but that isn’t reality.

Plus he has no stable home to have her 50% and that’s going to be a while.

Someone with more concrete experience will be along soon to help. In the mean time. Don’t panic and enjoy the silence.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 22-Apr-20 07:14:55

Where is he staying at the moment?
He's lashing out and saying things to hurt you or scare you so don't panic. Don't engage in conversation with this family member about future care arrangements. Are you suggesting that the family member could take DD to see him or is he going to come to the house to see her?
I think it would be wise to contact a domestic abuse service TODAY and get a record of his abuse of you. They can advise you about whether you can report to the police, child contact and safety planning and can also provide evidence of abuse if it goes to court.

category12 Wed 22-Apr-20 07:15:31

Try not to worry about what hasn't happened yet. brew

I would avoid too much contact with his family as they'll be intent on promoting his interests or what they think his interests should be. Keep it short and practical. Give them as little emotional feedback as possible.

I would try to appear unfrightened about 50/50, if he's the type of guy on a power trip. (You having time to date / have your own life may be a worse outcome in his mind).

Ulver Wed 22-Apr-20 07:18:38

Are you on the U.K.?
You need to make a police report of the abuse to you so far. Even if it’s just verbal threats. They are taking domestic abuse very seriously because of lockdown.
You can ask them to attend your home to supervise when he comes to pick up his stuff if he has been threatening.
You will need a record of his behaviour.
He should not have 50/50 or even unsupervised contact with your daughter in his current state. You can ask him to attend an anger management group if he wants access. Try to communicate with him only through texts so you have a record of his behaviour.

choli Wed 22-Apr-20 07:21:37

Ignore the ass. If necessary tell him you are fine with 50/50 - I guarantee you won't see him for dust.

cantarina Wed 22-Apr-20 07:25:22

How old is your DD? I ask because it's pretty rare for 50:50 to be put in place for babies. I agree with others, this may also be out there to get at you or to avoid paying maintenance. You say that he has never spend any time with her since birth...that tells you a lot about how likely 50:50 is to happen. Don't worry about it and certainly show no signs of worrying about it, perhaps say, 'yes of course that is something we can consider when he is settled and when DD is a tiny bit older'.

okiedokieme Wed 22-Apr-20 07:26:10

Firstly I'm sorry for what has happened. If there has been abuse it's essential it's reported, so consider what has happened and whether it crosses the threshold from arguments and poor financial judgement to emotional and financial abuse. As far as dd, if there's no reason to suspect neglect and he has a safe place for her to stay then the court generally will support 50/50, I do think you will need a solicitor to help you but it's the long term interest of the child they consider not your feelings as tough as that is. Please do protect yourself but also consider that you will need contact with him until she reaches 18 so if you can sort a private arrangement out and keep things civil then you may be far better off

KatherineJaneway Wed 22-Apr-20 07:27:08

He's likely talking 50 50 simply to not pay you much or any maintenance.

Ulver Wed 22-Apr-20 07:27:21

Is the property jointly owned?
If not who is on the tenancy?

In the event that they move out of the property then they must seek permission of the court before they are entitled to return. In these circumstances (where the other party has moved out and the property is owned in your sole name) you are legally able to change the locks without the need for your partner’s consent but you should consider whether it is wise to do so by taking legal advice beforehand.

What if there is domestic violence or threatening behaviour?

In circumstances where one person is subject to domestic violence or threatening behaviour by another person who has a right to live in the same property, then there is often the option to apply for an occupation order.

An occupation order is an injunction which effectively removes a person’s right to be able to live in a property.

When deciding whether or not to make an occupation order the court will take into account various factors which will include balancing the harm that each party will suffer if an order is, or is not, made.

I just googled this.
As it is my sister changed the locks on her flat and refused to allow her husband access. The property is in her name only which she owned before they met, and he had been financially exploitative and drained her of all of her savings while refusing to work full time when she was on maternity leave.
He was aggressive and hostile when she went back to work, which she had to as he was financially incompetent. She is much happier without him.

StealthMama Wed 22-Apr-20 07:35:02

It's too soon for any statements like that to mean anything. You make it sound like he has gone to cool down, rather than 'left'?

Let him cool down then have a calm conversation with him about the future. If he can't be calm than shut it down.

If he owns any part of the home then You can't legally keep him out unless there is a risk to you or did and you need solicitors and courts for that.

How old is dd? If you feel at risk of harm then contact a solicitor today.

SoloMummy Wed 22-Apr-20 07:38:22

Ultimately, aggressive behaviour towards you means very little in family court situations.

Courts more and more are taking the approach that shared care is to be worked towards.

I understand your reluctance etc, but he obviously has family to support him, so he wouldn't be alone per se.

In reality, it's likely to be hot air that he's blowing. But some will get close to this.

How old is your child atm? If a baby it's very unlikely now. If old enough for overnights, so 18-24m plus, then it increases likelihood he could get more than every other weekend contact.

At the end of the day, imagine if he reversed the tables and you only had eow contact how you'd feel, yet this is being wanted in effect for him...

Ulver Wed 22-Apr-20 07:48:27

At the end of the day, imagine if he reversed the tables and you only had eow contact how you'd feel, yet this is being wanted in effect for him...

I don’t think the OP is being neglectful of her child, her financial responsibility, and aggressively attacking her DH?
No they are not equivalent and I have zero sympathy for his parental needs.
He needs to step up and stop being a man child.
Gaming does not come before a child’s sleep ffs

SomeonesRealName Wed 22-Apr-20 07:52:27

If caring for your DD is at all like hard work, he definitely won't want to take on 50% of it from what you've said about him. When will he play on his console?

EsmeeMerlin Wed 22-Apr-20 07:56:29

@category12 that may not necessarily be true. My brother was vile to his ex girlfriend while they were together and when they split up. We supported her and our niece and hardly anyone now talks to my brother. On the other hand, she meets up with me and my sister every 6 weeks with our children and she visits my mum. We are often in phone contact with each other all the time. My mum would also be the third person there when my brother would meet up with his ex to see their daughter and there was never a problem with anything my mum did, just how my brother acted which my mum always really had a go to him about and one of the reasons her and my brother hardly talk. We now fully support he no longer sees his daughter. Just because they are his family, does not mean they will necessarily go on at op about his best interests.

Op he is probably just talking to make himself feel and look better. Worry about that bridge when and if it comes to it.

Aposterhasnoname Wed 22-Apr-20 07:58:14

They all say that. “I’ll take the kids” is lesson 1 in the abusive twats handbook. Let him crack on. I’ll bet my pension he’s only saying this to look good to his family and will come up with a reason why he can’t do 50 50 when reality sets in.

Oscarthegrouch47 Wed 22-Apr-20 07:58:42

While courts do favour joint custody and 50/50 more than they used to it has to be shown to work in the child's interests. Is he going to be able to sort out work and childcare to look after her? Is he going to want all that additional responsibility on his own? Has he even got a stable place to live? I would guess the answer is no so try not to worry too much. The man sounds like a total arse and is probably just saying this to unsettle you. Given how he has behaved with his aggression and general disinterest I wouldn't want it either.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 22-Apr-20 07:58:57

I was on your other thread. He’s ramping up. He’s shown zero interest to your dd. I don’t have personal experience of this Btw. However, the advice to get an occupation order and report the incidences of abuse to the police. This will then be on record. I would be refusing to hand your dd over at this point. The police may be able to give you advice regarding stopping him from coming back. You could also contact women’s aid.

scubadive Wed 22-Apr-20 08:03:08

There’s absolutely no way he’d get 50:50 with a record like that. Do you own the house or rent it? Of you rent move out now. You need to be in safety ASAP.

Also start documenting everything you can now, his behaviour, what abuse he called you with times and dates. Record every instance he has let your daughter down and anytime you have asked him for help and he wasn’t forthcoming. Write down as much as you can but you need to be safe where he can’t find your record keeping.

Good luck.

JudyCoolibar Wed 22-Apr-20 08:07:27

I agree you need to report his abuse, not least because it may mean that you can get legal aid.

Ulver Wed 22-Apr-20 08:08:42

If you can email any records you have to a friend, including forwarding any police reference no’s and communications

tiredanddangerous Wed 22-Apr-20 08:13:14

All abusive arseholes threaten to take the kids. He’s never shown any interest in her and he doesn’t want her, he just wants to threaten you.

paperweight1992 Wed 22-Apr-20 08:26:04

Thank you all so much for your replies. DD is 14 months.

I just want to be clear, at present he has given me no reason to assume DD isn't safe/loved with him, my reluctance for 50:50 isn't because I am scared he will harm her or to spite him, it's that I am worried he won't cope with her in terms of being able to feed/bath/settle/stick to routines and that she will be unsettled as she is so used to it being us two (if that sounds silly I'm sorry but it's something I'm honestly worried about). To be fair though, I would miss her awfully if we did have 50:50, but if it was the right thing to do for her I'd suck it up - but right now it definitely isn't. As I said I'm happy for him to see her, but I think we need to build it up so essentially they both get used to spending more time with each other. Also, he is at his mums but can only stay there for a week for various reasons, so I don't know where he intends on going afterwards but he won't be coming back here - if he insists then I will have to find somewhere to go as I believe it isn't safe for me to be around him right now.

In terms of abuse and reporting it, I think I need some help. Because after looking into it all, I genuinely think he's been emotionally and verbally abusing me for months now. Constantly putting me down about my appearance with snipey comments and then calling me stupid when I get upset, literally screaming at me if I say anything he doesn't like or ask him for help with DD or round the house. I actually had to buy him beers last week for him to help round the house (that was his deal). He's called me every name under the sun, and when I get upset he tells me I'm a psycho and I need help. He's threatened me 4 times now with violence but has never touched me. If I ask him to be quiet when he's shouting at nighttime, he says I'm trying to control him. He tells everyone I'm nuts and that I don't let him do anything, but I honestly actively encourage him to do stuff because I think he suffers from depression and getting out with friends or for exercise would do him good.

I believe he's been gas lighting me. However, he is adamant, I am the problem and keeps saying that because he doesn't hit me or cheat I should count myself lucky and that he's a really good husband. His family said yesterday that they can understand why I'd be scared of him but they know he wouldn't hurt anyone and that I should just get over it essentially. I think that's why I've let this go on so long because I've been made out to be a drama queen and I've actually been questioning if this is my fault.

The lockdown has proved it all though. He still is saying I'm controlling and a psycho but, if I had any control my husband wouldn't be keeping me and my child awake at night shouting at a game, he wouldn't be sleeping all day and he'd help around the house and with our child. I have NO control over anything. I even have to book in for him to watch DD whilst I cook dinner to suit his gaming time.

OP’s posts: |
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Wed 22-Apr-20 08:31:34

Contact the police today. You don't want him trying to swan back in next week, so you must get an occupation order or something now.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 22-Apr-20 08:32:10

At the end of the day, imagine if he reversed the tables and you only had eow contact how you'd feel, yet this is being wanted in effect for him...

It's hardly the fucking same fgs

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