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I have made a mistake.

(19 Posts)

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LittleMango Mon 20-Apr-20 11:42:22

Hi,
Not sure what thread to put this under.
My child's father and I spilt up quickly after my son was born because of his abusive behaviour. We still had to live together because what was going on. Social services got involved. They said we needed to leave apart because my child's father was physically violent.
I stayed in the flat and he went to his mum's. I was trying to move on with my life and I was complying with what social services wanted. I started speaking to a guy, met up with him. One night he was round my flat and my child's father kept calling and calling me - I ignored his calls which maybe was not the best way to handle it.
He showed up at the property, kicked the door in and attacked me and this guy while baby was asleep. This got took to crown court he was found not guilty.
After this I started speaking to him because I felt like I needed to keep him on side otherwise he would take me to court to get full custody (I was terrified he would get it because no one thought he would get not guilty and he did).
I started to be sucked back in again and got back in a relationship with my child's father. Social services said he cannot have unsupervised contact with baby I have let that happen and he now knows where I live again (I moved since the incident). I know I am an idiot (more than an idiot).
My child father's ex messaged me and has sent me loads of screenshots showing that he was physically abusive to her (so it's not just a one off because of his mental health as he was claiming to me). She basically showed me that he has lied about who he is and what he is capable of. I don't know who my own childs father is.
Because this I confronted him over the phone (I did not show or tell him who sent me the messages and he still doesn't know). I recorded every conversation and I told him I want to end this and any communication to be about baby. He is now accusing me of having another boyfriend and such things which I'm just not responding to.
I feel like an idiot and I have gone against what social services have told me to do completely because I gave someone the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have out of fear and manipulation.
I want to tell social services everything because I need support in dealing with him. I'm terrified because I have gone against what they said that I'm going to lose my baby. I don't know what to do. Please help. This message my sound erratic - I'm trying to summarise as much as possible.

OP’s posts: |
Ilovethekittehs Mon 20-Apr-20 11:51:05

You know, these sorts of threats make me so sad. You put your child in harm's way and went against social services advice as they deemed your partner a risk to your child. I am looking at my four month old son sleeping and I would give everything to keep him safe and it makes me so sad that it's not always the case.

You need to get some counselling to deal with your low self esteem, you do not deserve to be with someone who will treat you like that. Please don't go back. Well done for severing that tie for your child's sake. Can you ask the police for assistance?

Also, I would start a diary recording every encounter and harassment you're having from him.

yorkshirecountrylass Mon 20-Apr-20 11:57:37

Please, please be open with social care about this. They are only interested in keeping your child safe. If the child's father poses a risk (which he clearly does!) they can support you and your child. I know it feels terrifying right now, and yes they will need to ask questions because ultimately you did go against their advice risking your and your child's safety, but they will assess the risk and give you clear instructions on what they need you to do. Social care really don't want to take children into care, that's essentially a failure of the family unit and the last thing they want. You need to be open and honest with them let them help you 🤗

RedRed9 Mon 20-Apr-20 11:59:17

Talk to Social Services.

Stop all contact but if he tries to contact you then screenshot everything and save all voicemails.

Get CCTV for your front door in case he comes round.

Any correspondence between you both from now on will have to be via a solicitor. I bet he doesn’t take it to court though.

LittleMango Mon 20-Apr-20 11:59:22

@Ilovethekittehs
I understand, I don't want social services to take my baby away from me when everything comes out because despite everything all my attention is on my baby.
I am going to start counselling once this whole covid situation is over because there is definitely something wrong with me for putting up with this treatment.
I've started recording everything now because he always manages to be the good guy in any and every situation. He managed to convince a whole jury he didn't kick a door down despite the broken lock!!!
I just don't know how to deal with social services now

OP’s posts: |
RedRed9 Mon 20-Apr-20 12:00:57

I am going to start counselling once this whole covid situation is over

You can start counselling now. It will be via telephone. Which lots of counselling options already are anyway.

LittleMango Mon 20-Apr-20 12:01:34

@yorkshirecountrylass @RedRed9 My baby is currently under a child protection plan which means if they deem there is a risk they could take me to court for custody. I have gone against the plan, let him have contact with baby unsupervised and let him know my new address. I'm scared they will seem this too much and take my baby away.

OP’s posts: |
themuminator Mon 20-Apr-20 12:01:50

It's a new day. You can do the right thing. Take a deep breath and face it. I know you can do it because you've done it before and you've posted here.
Honestly I think if you ask for help you will get it and although I can't say for certain, you and your baby will be together.
Social services will have dealt with so many abuse situations, and will know that many many people get sucked back in.
Keep being strong for you and your baby because your deserve to be safe and happy.
And yes yes to the advice posted above.

Ilovethekittehs Mon 20-Apr-20 12:02:55

@LittleMango good luck and I hope you get the help you need so you and your baby can be happy.

user1493413286 Mon 20-Apr-20 12:09:59

Tell them the truth; I work in this area and at some point it will come out and it will be much worse for them to find out another way. It will be something that your ex can use against you and I’ve seen situations like this where it’s then used to blackmail into unsupervised contact or getting back together which then escalated things and is worse with social services. Hold yourself hands up and say you made a mistake; they will want to work with you to keep your baby so show them you can do that. You aren’t the first person this has happened to but I can’t stress enough how important it is to be honest.
Also for yourself speak to your local women’s aid, look at the freedom programme, refer yourself for counselling now over the phone, stay away from other men full stop and work on yourself.

MrsDoylesTeaBags Mon 20-Apr-20 12:10:14

This sounds like a horrible situation but you've made the first step by reaching out for help. Try getting this moved to Relationships where people who have gone through what you are experiencing will be able to give you good advice and point you towards the relevant support agencies.

PerfPower Mon 20-Apr-20 12:10:52

I know a man of about 60 who has full time custody of his two grandchildren (4 and 6) and they're not even allowed to be unsupervised with their mother (his daughter); she can only visit them at his home with him present. Her crime? She wouldn't stop seeing their abusive father.

You know how dangerous he is and that the law won't stop him, he was 'let off' breaking your door down and attacking you and some poor guy that had the misfortune to be there with you. Yet you'll be punished for trying to keep him sweet by losing your child.

You have one job and it's to keep your baby safe, you can't do that and cosy up to your ex so explain to social services and ask for their help.

JoMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 20-Apr-20 12:56:59

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

CFlips Mon 20-Apr-20 13:00:40

OP, being a social worker myself I can promise you it is better to tell the whole truth. It always comes out anyway and you will be given respect for telling the truth. We all make mistakes and as long as you have learnt from this and want to move on and ask for help the social worker will be there to help you. The last thing we work to do is take children away from their biological family. There are also long processes for doing this which gives you time to prove you can keep him safe. Keep positive and stay safe, both of you x

LittleMango Mon 20-Apr-20 14:38:41

Hi,
I just thought I would let everyone know as an update. I have told my social worker and they are going to help me, the plan may need to be stepped up but she does not think it's at the point where my baby will be took off me because I've been honest.
I feel less worried. Thank you everyone for your advice.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Mon 20-Apr-20 16:19:32

Thumbs up @LittleMango. Glad they're being supportive. xxxxx

pog100 Mon 20-Apr-20 16:26:53

Well done OP, it's massively difficult to own up to a mistake but you did right. SS only want what's best for your child and being with a loving mother is clearly best as long as you can keep away from him, with their help. I'm glad the wise SS workers here could advise you.

AgentJohnson Mon 20-Apr-20 17:44:23

Well done for coming clean with Social Services.

Therebythedoor Tue 28-Apr-20 09:26:20

I know it's been over a week since the last post on here but I wanted to say you have done the best thing and to wish you all the best.

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