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Dh won't stop smoking weed all day long

(125 Posts)
stardrops12 Fri 17-Apr-20 23:18:41

Dh resigned from his job in Jan because he has 'had enough with all the morons at work'. In Feb, he received a job offer but declined it because he thought the pay was too low despite them offering 5% more than his previous salary. Before the lockdown, I was always out of the house in the wee hours for work and just assumed that he spent the day working on his portfolio as that was what he told me he was doing.

Since the lockdown, I have found out that that has not been the case at all!! I know he likes a joint now and then—I did too—but what he's doing now is just taking the piss. What I've discovered is that it's the norm for him to wake up at noon, smoke, sit on the computer for maybe 2 hours 'working on his portfolio' while smoking, smoke some more, by which time he's tired and it's back to bed.

I asked him if he could smoke less because the smell was giving me a headache and I had to WFH and he told me to 'stop being such a bore no one likes this new you'. By that he means the 'new me' where I stopped smoking and drinking last year because smoking made me feel sluggish and hungry all the time and I was getting pretty overweight.

I'm seriously annoyed please tell me it's not just the lockdown that's driving me crazy....

OP’s posts: |
Longsight2019 Fri 17-Apr-20 23:30:57

He’s a weedaholic. I’d suggest it was a factor in not bothering to accept the offer. An inconvenience to his habit.

LouiseCollina Fri 17-Apr-20 23:32:04

No it’s not, so there’s the good news. The bad news is the lockdown has fully revealed your OH as a pot-smoking layabout. Now you need to decide what you’re going to do about that. Personally, I’d be out the door. Best of luck OP.

Dery Fri 17-Apr-20 23:35:04

It’s not just the lockdown. He sounds like a waster. When a person gives up their job because everyone else is a moron, that person is likely to be as much the problem as everyone else. Sounds like you’ve created a much healthier and fulfilling lifestyle for yourself and left him behind in the process. You need to decide whether you want to keep him in your life or cut him loose because he’s trying to hold you back.

EKGEMS Fri 17-Apr-20 23:40:14

So you're paying for his addiction and he won't cut back even though it's affecting you? Hell no. I'd give him an ultimatum

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Fri 17-Apr-20 23:42:25

Ugh you can do better than this, surely?

MunaZaldrizoti Fri 17-Apr-20 23:54:50

Was he consistently working prior to January? If he was, perhaps I would consider whether mental health was a concern. If he wasn't, and has bounced from job to job without stability or exhibiting ambition then I would be dropping him

HollowTalk Fri 17-Apr-20 23:57:01

I couldn't live like that, OP. I would feel used and would lose any respect for him.

stardrops12 Sat 18-Apr-20 00:03:24

Was he consistently working prior to January?

He's always been very artistic and have left previous jobs because he thought they didn't 'respect his creativity' or that they 'couldn't understand his vision'. He usually found some sort of freelance work or a spot in another company within a month maximum so I never really had a problem with it.

We got married when we were pretty young and it's been 10 years but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this relationship who has grown up.

OP’s posts: |
DoctorManhattan Sat 18-Apr-20 01:28:18

What’s the saying? When another person is an idiot, they’re the problem . . . When everyone is an idiot, you’re the problem.

Your partner’s attitude and comments about others not understanding his ‘creative vision’ sounds to me like one of these blame-the-world types, who feel they’re somehow marginalised and misunderstood. So they often respond by doing SFA and walking out of numerous jobs. I know a one in particular who is well into his second decade of being an eternal student, yet he often feels the need to dispense valuable life advice to me (I left home at 18 and been working solidly since, I’m 42 now). Guess what, he’s a stoner too.

In my eyes, they’re not misunderstood - they’re lazy and bone idle. He wants to smoke weed and sleep half the day, and will come up with excuses to do that. Walking out of a job in Jan and then rejecting a more lucrative offer in Feb is insane.

If I was in your shoes I’d be annoyed too.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 18-Apr-20 01:36:01

We got married when we were pretty young and it's been 10 years but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one in this relationship who has grown up.

This is a starter marriage. You marry a creative, artistic type who seems endlessly fascinating until you start to grow up. And they don't bother or can't. You feel more and more boring and workaday and like you're dull.

Then you dump that idiot, marry a grown up and realise you can achieve so much more. You are loved for the wonderful grown up you are and you don't have to babysit a stoned, increasingly pathetic wastrel.

Mine was a musician and it was drink and coke. Same though.

Gutterton Sat 18-Apr-20 02:09:00

Please tell me you haven’t had kids with this selfish addict? If not please don’t.

Yes I know a few women who stayed with these “precious” types - who are Oh so special. But in reality their weed habit just makes them paranoid (fall out with everyone and blame everyone) and lazy and unproductive. It’s a loooong slow spiral. They don’t get out of it and become an emotional, financial and domestic burden to their wives.

Seriously step right back and see that you just have a waster addict in tow. It’s a miserable life and I would move on - their MH issues just accelerate.

Pickles89 Sat 18-Apr-20 02:11:33

Where's he getting his weed from? Surely he's not going to a dealer, with social distancing and all that?

Italiangreyhound Sat 18-Apr-20 03:42:28

stardrops12 sorry OP this sounds really horrible and unpleasant.

It reminds me of the handsome waste of space partner in closing doors! Hiding out in the librbary pretending to write a novel, then shagging a second girlfriend.

Do you have kids with him?

Do you want kids?

If the answer to either of those is yes, I'd think very seriously if this is a good place for kids to grow up.

Sounds like, as MrsTerryPratchett says 2You marry a creative, artistic type who seems endlessly fascinating until you start to grow up".

You are making healthy grown up choices and his choice is to smoke weed.

Italiangreyhound Sat 18-Apr-20 03:45:38

Sliding doors not closing doors!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkEX_EqBeq8

I am really showing my age! And I am not meaning anything about the unfaithfulness in the film, just that the good for nothing boyfriend is living his life pretending to write a novel but really just not!

Italiangreyhound Sat 18-Apr-20 03:46:07

Not in the film, I mean!

AlwaysCheddar Sat 18-Apr-20 07:15:45

Get rid of him.

Lllot5 Sat 18-Apr-20 07:22:48

Yeah get rid of him. Lazy ‘artistic’ pothead. Find a grown up.

stardrops12 Sat 18-Apr-20 07:31:20

No kids, and not planning to have any. The stupidest thing about this is that a bit more than 3 years ago we decided to purchase our first house. I paid almost 90% of the deposit out of my inheritance and still am paying for the overwhelming majority of our mortgage. It's a struggle some days and I have had to cut back on so many hobbies because our budget at the time was based on his previous job that he quit less than half a year after we bought the house due to 'office toxicity'.

A part of me hopes this is something he'll grow out of but I don't know when it'll happen....

OP’s posts: |
SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge Sat 18-Apr-20 07:35:07

Sorry nope, I would not be able to live like that.
All the best to you.

Longsight2019 Sat 18-Apr-20 07:45:00

If I lived next door to a habitual weed smoker, never mind living under the same roof, it would drive me insane.

Your husband is a low life druggy with a bad attitude. From your responses to the comments above, you’ve no intention of getting rid. You hope he will change yet you’re giving him no reason to need to.

As a man, he’s the sort of dick head I can’t stand. An ungrateful lazy stoner who takes what he can get from a soft touch partner.

It all sounds a bit “Withnail and I”

CheddarGorgeous Sat 18-Apr-20 07:50:15

You need to protect yourself financially. Get good legal advice and try to recoup your inheritance from the house sale when you divorce.

smeerf Sat 18-Apr-20 07:50:55

Oh my God, the "starter marriage" rang so many bells for me! Except mine dreamt of running a pub, his vice was booze and the reason he never got promoted was "politics". I outgrew him in my 20s, thank God we had no kids or financial entanglement really.

It's unfortunate you'll probably lose some money as a result of buying the house but you would have spent that money as rent over the last 3 years. It's the sunk cost fallacy - don't let it keep you in a pointless relationship any longer than you want to

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-Apr-20 08:36:05

"A part of me hopes this is something he'll grow out of but I don't know when it'll happen...."

Why do you think it could happen at all let alone happen?. He is clearly showing you no indications that he at all wants to change.
Hope is your enemy here. You became an adult and he is outright refusing to become one or ever become one for that matter. He is a pothead. You are to him a soft touch, he thinks you have mug written on your forehead.

I have to look at you also in all this. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Not infrequently, many people like your good self are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis. Read too about the sunk cost fallacy because that is really your thinking here re the house. This fallacy basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Ulver Sat 18-Apr-20 08:46:19

I paid almost 90% of the deposit out of my inheritance and still am paying for the overwhelming majority of our mortgage. It's a struggle some days and I have had to cut back on so many hobbies because our budget at the time was based on his previous job that he quit less than half a year after we bought the house due to 'office toxicity'.

He’s decided that he can freeload off you and more specifically your dead parents. Why should he work when you are paying for everything? That’s what will be going through his head.

If I were you I would remind him that the house is mine and that if you chose to replace him he wouldn’t have any share in it.

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