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Some Friendly Words Support Group - Part 3

(989 Posts)
SuperbMonkey Thu 16-Apr-20 19:22:01

Hi everyone. Here is our new thread, with thanks to @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies who started us off on our supportive journey. These are the links to our previous threads:

Thread 2

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3844903-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group-2?pg=1

Thread 1

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3812516-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group?pg=1

This thread is for those of us who have been on the receiving end of ‘the script’ from our husbands and partners (see link below to ‘the script’). We are each at different stages on the enforced journey that we did not want to take and did not imagine we would ever be taking. We are kind to each other, supportive, giving each other a handhold on the days when we slump. Sometimes we’re angry, sometimes philosophical, but always interested in helping each other as best we can. A Band of Warrior Women. You are welcome to join us as we struggle our way through our new normal.

@Thrivingnotjustsurviving pulled together some useful links which have helped us to get this far:

The Script
Men & affairs - what is the script? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script#35955837

I found this illuminating especially the section on Romantic Affairs
www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Chump Lady
www.chumplady.com/

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 19:32:53

Hey! First one haha

Nev85 Thu 16-Apr-20 19:33:34

Hi all,

I just found these threads earlier today and was hoping for some support...This is a bit of a long story but almost 2 years ago I found out that my fiance and partner of 15 years was seeing someone from work. We had just built a new house together and were planning on getting married. We had always been the couple people thought would be together forever. He told me it was a friendship.and swore the same to his family. I asked him to move home while we talked and tried to work through things and he did. During the summer of 2018 he moved back home and I thought things were on the right track even though my gut couldn't really trust him. He said all the right things, he loved me, wanted a family with me, I was the love of his life, she was an escape, but he didnt seem to be the same person.

Fast forward to september 2018 and to cut a long story short, i found out that he was still seeing her, was on the way to a 4 day family wedding with her when i confronted him. They had been sleeping together the whole time, she has 3 kids with another man and is older.

After that confrontation, he went to the wedding!! Said he wanted to marry her and have kids with her. When he came back he text regularly to talk, I couldn't, I was broken. He came to our home while I wasnt there and took his things. It was 2 months before I had the courage to meet him. He said he wanted to come home to me all the time, wanted a family with me, his life had no purpose, he would kill to be with me etc.

I wanted so much to.take him back but the trust was completely broken, I asked him to get help, to move home to his parents...he had moved straight in with her after that wedding!! I hoped he would sort himself out and show me that but it didnt seem to be happening. I got one text after that talk and no more. His family couldn't understand what was going on with him.

I found out from bank statements that he stole all the money from our joint account so contacted a solicitor and got the ball moving on trying to buy his half of our home. I didnt earn as much and it was going to be really difficult to take on everything but I didnt want him selling my home too or moving in with her and her children. I offered him every bit of money he put into the house, through the solicitor. This was rejected, he wanted double that! I never would have thought he could be so cruel. I was so fair even though I was devastated, my life ripped out from under me and him living with another woman and her 3 kids. Eventually I had to get a new job, help from family and sell some things to pay him the extortionate amount for the house.

I then found out through an updated WhatsApp picture that he had married her in the meantime...within a year of begging me to come home. I found out from bank statements that he bought the ring 5 days after begging me to come home!

I am devastated...I miss him so much, I miss our life, I cant believe the lies, betrayal, stealing, cruelty, how much of a coward he turned out to be. I have tried very hard to move on and make a new life for myself but I find it hard when I think that 15 years could mean so little and he moved on without a second thought for me or the horrible situation he put me in.

I know this is very long and really is the tip of the iceberg as far as his lies and betrayal go but I was just hoping for some suppport and advice...thank you.

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 19:38:30

Sorry to hear you have had such a tough time. The ladies here are very supportive and we all have our stories to tell.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 16-Apr-20 19:48:19

Sorry, I am reposting from previous thread...

Sorry, this is going to be massive - here's part 1:

@Thrivingnotjustsurviving, I am sorely tempted to dye my hair a ridiculous colour – probably purple – because I don’t know when I’ll next get the chance – possibly the one advantage of no job!

And thank you for your kind words. It is a headfuck. But all of our situations have those twists and angles that just make them really…special! I do understand what you mean about typing the words giving you strength though.

Thank you too, *@SuperbMonkey***, I so understand the fake it till you make it. That’s largely what I’m doing IRL (with varying degrees of success).

Yes, I have often thought that I must have done something hideous in a past life. Buying into that narrative that it’s my fault somehow. Two of the most valuable things I learnt from the phone CBT sessions, which I think I mentioned on here at the time were (1) to turn things around a bit. Put the ‘situation’ to one side and look at other things in your life. For example your job. You wouldn’t think you got it because you did something good in a past life, would you? You got it because you wowed them at interview and deserved to get it. You did that. It is your achievement. Then you look at the ‘situation’. You did not do that. It is the result of someone else’s actions. You did not deserve it. And then you go through all the other good things you’ve achieved or have in your life. Which leads onto (2) treat yourself as if you were your best friend. So for me, this particularly applies to friends. I have spent a lot of times apologising to them for being so pathetic, and feeling so lucky to have them. So I have to think, but why do I have them? Is it perhaps because I am a lovely person? That they value me, and I deserve them? I found that hard to do, because it sounds big-headed.

And I also think that is in part down to socialisation. There is still a big difference in how males and females are treated and expected to behave. Girls are often expected to be nice and quiet, while the other side is the very indulgent ‘boys will be boys’. With the obvious caveat of NAMALT/NAWALT men are more likely to be ‘assertive’ and ‘straight talking’, where women are ‘unladylike’ or ‘shrill’. And I think it filters through, consciously or subconsciously. I know I am generalising, but it is often the case it’s the man who tramples all over feelings and people to get what they want. The flip side of this, and I know it is the case with my H, men also tend to feel hard done to, insecure, unloved and hurt like toddlers if they don’t get what they want. That's why we often look to ourselves for blame I think, while they look to everyone else.

None of us (female or male) deserve what these people have done to us. It is not karma from some evil past life. We have just fallen prey to a bunch of inadequate tossers. It is them, not us.

So, back to your words, *@SuperbMonkey***. I do see what you say about red flags etc, and perhaps being in a different place. But I have sort of been there, but in my case have realised that it was his weakness in the face of our physical distance, plus proximity to FirstLove, that caused it. I genuinely believe that. I don’t think I’m fooling myself. It’s not that that’s any better, of course!

I hope the TENs machine does help.

I love what you said to @Simonfromharlow. So true and kind. I wonder if these women really see ‘their man’ as a big fairground prize? Perhaps they are emotionally short-sighted. They think they see the biggest, softest, fluffiest teddy bear prize, but don’t realise it’s actually a big steaming pile of dung?

@4PiecesofCheeseontoast, firstly, I greatly admire your 2nd paragraph smile I think it sums all our dickheads up very succinctly. Your situation sounds very hard, the being stalled on moving forward practically is difficult on so many levels. And you need to know inside that you are not horrible to be with. None of your situation is about you, it is about him and his pathetic, insecurities and ability to be a proper grown-up. You are just collateral damage in his explosion of pitiful weakness.

I am sorry about you poor ds – how can these people live with how wide and all-encompassing the devastation is that they have caused.

I know we all have those feelings that it must have been us, that we were fools not to see it coming, that if only we’d done this or that… But the truth is, frankly, that is bullshit. What we did was what you’re supposed to do in a relationship or marriage. We loved, we trusted, we had faith in our ‘team’ We did everything right. We get all the gold stars for being decent, wonderful people with the ability to adult properly. And it is so massively unjust that we seem to get ‘punished’ for that.

And our road is hard, and it’s not fair, but ultimately, at some point we will heal sufficiently to know that we have our self-respect, that we can stride forward with clear consciences, that we are strong, high in value and worthy of the best love and appreciation if we choose to seek another relationship.

I know already that my H has none of that. I don’t think any of them will. Most, if not all of them will never admit it to themselves fully, let alone to anyone else. Inside they know, or will know what they did. Very few people are true sociopaths, and even true narcissists have to work at maintaining their self-love. Most will feel it on some level, and whatever front they put up they know that their spirit animal is a cockwombling wankbadger.

@Bigpooh13, yes, the disbelief is still a big part of the crapness. And I know what I really want is a time machine to go back to that point where I could say, “no, don’t take the job”. Because I am pretty much 100% sure that we would be pottering around in lockdown together now. Sometimes, usually at night when I’m sleeping badly, I can almost feel the past, if you see what I mean. Which makes me sound barking mad I know.

I have to tell you though, every time you mention Shrek, I have a mental picture of Hyacinth Bucket, only with Shrek face, and it makes me giggle!

And although I said I don’t believe in past life karma, I do definitely believe in well-deserved this life karma, so am delighted to hear the karma bus has off-roaded over his ass!

What your counsellor says really chimes with me. I’ve been pretty much no contact for a while now (apart from a brief phone call, a couple of texts and his magnificent letter) and yes, I do feel like it’s all fresh and new again. I have no squirrel, but next door’s cat was staring at me disconcertingly as I wash hanging washing out earlier!

@thegrassisgreenernow – I absolutely agree that they will have to live with what they’ve done. Some of them already are, and it will catch up with the others. Even if they never admit it. I wouldn’t want to be them when they can’t sleep in the middle of the night and all the wrongs they’ve done are dancing around and poking them with sharp sticks.

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 16-Apr-20 19:48:48

And part 2...

Hello @Rougefox, nice to meet you, but sorry you’re here. I’m sorry you have to share lockdown with such a git (and I love ‘gorp’ btw and will steal it if you don’t mind). I’m glad you have a little breathing space with finances, but sorry about your FIL. It boils my blood that this is such a common reaction – that we are the ones who are supposed to ‘fix' things. Is that the root of some of this behaviour? That they were never held to account, never expected to take responsibility for things? Is it that socialisation thing again?

Sorry to have made you cry @caketimeisover sad but thank you for the hand hold. In my first counselling session last year, when I was wailing at her to make it all go away, she told me you have to go through the feelings, have to own them to be able to heal. So each time we go down that dark hole I guess maybe it becomes a bit lighter, or a bit shorter? These people don’t deserve a deep hole. Just a very shallow indentation, preferably filled with slime.

@SImonfromharlow, have a massive hug. That sounds horrible. So much of what we all seem to be going through is our partners regressing. Whether to their own past, or trying to hold on to their youth by fixating on a younger partner. In the latter case they must be knackered! I find it hard keeping up with the energy of my young adult dc! Imagine not only having to keep up, but pretend to be ‘down with the kids', and relevant, all the time feeling every inch the grumpy old git inside. This whole narrative of ‘scoring’ with a younger ‘trophy’ girlfriend is tragic. They think it shows their coolness and virility, but in reality, although perhaps some other men might pat them on the back, pretty much everyone will really be thinking they are a sad fucker. They are a joke.

Yes, businesslike all the way – as @Emmerdaledramaqueen says, good to give generously of the headfucks! And @Thrivingnotjustsurviving, yes again, it is so bizarre how they almost seem hurt that we’re not happy for them. Twatty McTwatfaces.

@Feckthisshit2020. As you can see from my waffling, I am not often lost for words. But deciding the baby isn’t his? Bloody hell, that is just the lowest thing. I am so sorry. He is well due a visit from the karma-flock-of-seagulls to crap all over him. I do think there is some correlation between how badly they have behaved and then how appallingly they hit out. He has to make you the baddie and him the victim otherwise he couldn’t function. And the whole sti and dna crap. Just when you think people couldn’t get any shittier. On the first thread I think I said I almost found it easier to believe they had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a pod person. That still applies. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like offering my services as a hitwoman. Massive props for calling him out on it.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I don’t think there is anyone here, or who has ever been in a similar position who doesn’t have the urge to beg them to come back. It can come in waves. We had something, it was unfairly taken away, of course we want it back sometimes. And @Simonfromharlow is right, a lot of that because we want our lives, our ‘normal’ back. It’s nothing to do with the person they are now.

@Stillfunny. Sorry you are low too. I do get what you mean about seeing how everyone is moving forward. Many ups and downs, but it is encouraging and inspiring to see how strong everyone is.

We are amazing Warriors, every single one of us.

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 19:51:11

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies thank you what a lovely post!

ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies Thu 16-Apr-20 20:03:00

@Nev85, I am so sorry you are here, but you are in the right place. There is so much warmth and support here. Your situation sounds so hard. The lies and deceit are horrifying. And sadly so familiar. The ability these people have to simply move on without a backward glance is one of the most hurtful and bewildering things.

And it’s because we on the receiving end are decent, loving, actual proper grown ups. We can’t imagine doing something like that. No decent person would. It is so far out of range of what is normal, acceptable behaviour it is practically in another galaxy.

I think that just magnifies the hurt. It just seems unbelievable, and you just want to wake up.

Some of the best advice I’ve had here is to firstly be kind to yourself. Take things very slowly. Accept that you will have ups and downs, and take every day, even every hour as it comes. Do not beat yourself up if you feel you should be handling things better. There is no better. What you feel is what you feel. Allow it.

Also, try not to tie yourself in knots trying to make sense of it all. Do not go down the route of thinking if only I’d done this, or that. If only I’d known this or seen that. Or in any way thinking it is your fault. Quite simply it isn’t. None of it is on you. Easy advice to give, but taking it is hard. Sometimes I can, but other times I still want to unravel it. I think we all do. We want it to make sense. But it doesn’t. Accepting that I think goes a long way to helping the healing process.

Above all, reach out to friends and family. Don’t be afraid or ashamed – for some reason so many of us have felt shame at the situation, but there is none. Post here. I almost used it as a diary to start with. I just had to get it out. And it does help, just getting it out. And then accepting the support and comfort you will get. We’ve got you xxx

SuperbMonkey Thu 16-Apr-20 20:08:13

@Simonfromharlow, well done for being first to come home! 🏡 @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies has posted a couple of brilliant posts on thread number 2, just in case you missed them.

@Nev85

I’m so glad you found us. Don’t worry that your post is long. It’s good to get it all out there. We won’t have all the answers but we can help you find your strength as a Warrior Woman along with us. I’m much older than I think you are. I had been with my husband for 26 years, married for 18 years, no kids, a house that I love, a life that I loved. He announced out of the blue in September 2019 that he was leaving me. I later found out that he had been engaged in a long-distance affair with his ex-girlfriend from school who he last dumped 27 years ago. She is his ‘soulmate’. He denies the affair but is not defending the divorce proceedings which include reference to his emotional affair with her. His whole family, who I had loved and cared for for years, dumped me immediately. I don’t believe that he ever loved me; I believe that he used me. He also hid money from me, and lied about how much he was earning, bonuses, you name it, he lied about it. I was blamed in the most horrible way for the breakdown of the marriage. My character was assassinated. This strong, professional woman was a tiny weeping blob crumpled on the floor.

All the feelings you express, I have felt. The question I now ask myself is ‘what am I going to do for me?’. The future is about making my life, different though it is from how I expected, as brilliant as it can be. Your ex was/is not a decent human being. You are bonded to him, but in a way that’s unhealthy for you. You deserve so much better and are selling yourself short by wasting one more precious moment of your precious life on this horrendously disordered man. Become a Warrior Woman instead. My best advice: invest in you and go no contact with him, including on social media. Make a list of things you love doing, experiencing, eating, drinking, reading, being. When you feel down, or start thinking of him, do one of those things. Feel proud of yourself and celebrate what you’ve achieved. 🤗

SuperbMonkey Thu 16-Apr-20 20:21:06

@ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies, your posts were well worth repeating. You are a wise, wise woman. On hair, I was growing mine before the lockdown so my hairdresser didn’t take much off. By the time this is over I am going to look like Tiny Giant Haystacks. My hair and nails are growing out so quickly, it’s unbelievable. And my beard is coming along nicely too ...

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 20:24:13

my hair is desperate for a cut. I had one booked before lockdown but obvs it was cancelled! ive not had it cut since November so its looking a little ratty!

4piecesofCheeseontoast Thu 16-Apr-20 21:07:55

Ahh hello!

I think I've created my own toothache by constantly grinding my teeth!!

Welcome @Nev85 sorry you need to be here. He sounds like a prize ass.
I'm glad you got the house though. You've seen his true colours now and at some point so will she, so ultimately you've dodged a bullet. I don't believe these creatures will ever be truely happy.

I've spoken to a solicitor about the house and basically I can do whatever I want 😊 I can stay and I can get the bank to take away his legal rights, so he can't have access or walk in when he wants and he'd have to wait for 17 years to get his stake out. Ha ha!
I can also sell and rent somewhere else if I want to. Feeling happier this evening.

Hope everyone has had a good day xx

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 21:27:59

Glad you're feeling happier toast!

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Thu 16-Apr-20 21:46:35

@SuperbMonkey thank you for the shiny new thread 🙏

@Nev85 you've had some very wise words from these warrior women and I just wanted to add that you have suffered trauma on trauma and you are going through the grieving processes for the loss of the relationship but more importantly the grief of the loss of the life you thought you had but was all a lie, and further grief for the future you have lost. If any loved one came to you having suffered a major life trauma and 3 lots of grief you would want to nurture them, help them and protect them. This is what you need to do for yourself, you need so much self care and self love. It's hard I know but we have all here spent our lives centring a man who betrayed us, and now it's time to centre ourselves.

Allow yourself to grieve but also know that eventually the grief will change and diminish. In the meantime you need to look after yourself and look to your new future with different but maybe exciting possibilities.

I lost my husband not very long after losing a parent and I recognised a lot of the same feelings came up and it helps me to know that each phase will pass or change. This damn pandemic hasn't helped though! Talk about adding another layer of trauma and suffering... but we will get through it, and we will find strength little by little. It won't feel like it everyday but we'll notice the accumulation eventually.

4piecesofCheeseontoast Thu 16-Apr-20 21:51:30

Thank you for the nice new thread @superbmonkey

And I'm in on the hair needing attention. Been considering going brown/red for a while 🤔

I need to stop grinding my teeth!!!

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Thu 16-Apr-20 21:51:49

OMG love Hyacinth Bucket with Shrek face 😂😂😂😂

I have another job interview and an update on the one I thought I was going to start! It sounds like they might combine, possibilities and new things make me happy. But now I have a good reason to dye my hair, hooray! As much as I'm intrigued by the silver I do prefer my 'natural' colour 😁

Bastard chin hairs are mostly white, I could probably compete with the household teenage boys in the house for facial hirsuiteness if I didn't have access to tweezers for a couple of days.

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Thu 16-Apr-20 21:53:53

Whoop excellent news @4piecesofCheeseontoast!

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 21:55:32

I clench my jaw! Gives me terrible headaches!

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 21:56:43

This lockdown is a killer!

4piecesofCheeseontoast Thu 16-Apr-20 21:58:21

@Harlow I'm driving myself mad with it, even now I want to grind little buggers to death 😬

Simonfromharlow Thu 16-Apr-20 22:13:01

I have a gumsheild thing I got from the dentist which is supposed to help but I hate wearing it!!

Nev85 Thu 16-Apr-20 22:20:45

Thanks girls for your messages...I'm really glad to have found this thread! It's been hard not having the usual distraction of work and activities to keep my mind from going over everything again and again. I wake up every morning and it just hits me that he's married to her 🙈

Emmerdaledramaqueen Thu 16-Apr-20 22:28:23

I have an advantage having gone my natural grey a couple of years ago, is a lovely silver that is almost violet with the right shampoo so colour not a problem however the fringe and sides that I may have snipped myself are a different matter and as a key worker I can’t hide away until it’s better! @Nev85 welcome and sorry you have to be here, we ladies are all at different stages of journeys with common themes as the others have said, the advantage of this is that someone is almost always about to offer a handhold and support or alternatively a cheer for when that one thing goes right. You’ll also learn a whole new vocabulary, wankbadger still being my favourite new term of endearment for my well, wankbadger!!

Sadsammy Fri 17-Apr-20 06:31:55

Place marking

Startoftheyear2020 Fri 17-Apr-20 06:52:30

Morning all. Great advice @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies and lovely to have you back smile

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