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Just need to have a moan - feel free to ignore!(17 Posts)
DS is three next month and we have always co-slept. It started one night when he woke up and dp said 'just bring him in with us' I was relived as it meant didn't have to keep gettin up, dp I assume was relieved of guilt as he never got up anyway. We had an attempt at moving him but tbh it was very half hearted and he came back in with us as I was shattered!
Anyway ds is huge and still wakes up 2 or 3 times a night, was showing an interest in his bed so I went for it on wed night. Woke once coughing, gave cough med and he slept through!
Last night kept getting up, finally settled but woke 4 times and I put him bk to bed. On 5th time dp got up (wow I thought) but oh no! DP found ds downstairs and began saying in a loud stern voice 'no ds it's not time to get up, go back to bed'. (ds was crying) grr. He also made him walk back upstairs.
I had already explained I was picking ds up, bk in bed hardly any talking but low and quiet with plenty of shushing.
DP stomps into our room with ds, I say whats the matter dp replies 'i don't know but I am going bk to bed.'
I picked ds up, laid him in bed with only shushing to calm him, with dp huffing and puffing in our room. GRRRRR!!!!
I am so fed up, I miss ds in our bed (although there is more room), and it has made me remember why ds was in our bed in the first place. Because I do everything for ds and dp is a lazy so and so.
When ds was a baby I was really fed up and lonely, dp continued going out with mates, etc, and I felt really peeved. I rememeber feeling very aware that I would be better off (in all ways) on my own with ds, and this morning I am feeling it all over again!
.........sorry it's so long!.......
Sorry you're feeling like this
The demands of young children are more than we ever expect they are going to be, and it is for this reason that both parents need to try and adopt the same strategies for coping with them.
It sounds like you need to have a long chat with your dp about this. But don't make it into an argument (which it sounds like you might at the moment!) but explain what you're trying to achieve and what you want him to do/not do.
At least your dp did get up to your ds - and tbh it probably sounds like he was just as fed up with ds as you were! (in terms of being frustrated by continued waking)
You need each other during these years, so should be trying to lay the foundation for an equal partnership. Try and think about things from his pespective as well - are you much fun to be with any more? Sorry to be brutal, but it's very easy to get into a rut of blaming him for things - and believe me, I know that from my own experience!
Hope you feel a bit better from your rant, anyway!
Thanks for reply.
No I'm not much fun, I am depressed, and waiting for an appointment with a member of the mental health team next week. I feel terrible, don't want to socialise, go out, get dressed, etc. I cry a lot, my hands shake, I am snappy and overeat. DP has known about this all the way through, I have had appointments booked in the past and chickened out, or tried to talk to him about it and he just says 'i don't know what to say'.
Oh and dp had not been woken by ds earlier - a bomb could go off and he wouldn't wake, thats why I was shocked when he did get up.I once fell down the stairs with ds when he was a baby, and was crying at the bottom and he didn't wake up, eventually woke up DSS and he couldn't physically wake him for me either!
I had already discussed with him what is was doing, why etc, if I discuss it again it means he 'is doing it all wrong' and will take it personally. Although I was told off last week for multitasking, cooking badly and slamming the front door, I am not allowed to mention any of his shortcomings.
I know the first 2 years are the hardest, and it is probably my pnd making things worse, but I thought things would be geting better for us by now!
You really need to get to your GP if you're depressed. Once you sort that out, you can get a better perspective on the way things are going.
TBH - and please don't take this badly - your dp probably does think he's being told off for doing things wrong, as it sounds like you're always telling him to do things your way. Is this true? Can you relax a little and let him find his own way to do things? There is no one perfect solution.
I think you also need to be a bit kinder to yourself - are you looking after yourself as well as your ds? Apart from medication to help with PND perhaps you need some time to indulge yourself.
And what about your relationship with dp? Do you go out much/at all together? Sounds like you could do with having a good laugh in childfree surroundings!
Sorry if this sounds a bit of a lecture - not meant to be like that
KS - Hun get yourself to the docs, having pnd is bad enough without dealing with an unsupportive dp but once you get help with dealing pnd everything else will be so much clearer and easier to deal with. Are you on AD's?
Book yourself a treat tomorrow, get your dp to have ds and go for a walk/ massage/ hair cut/ manicure/ lie down - anything to help you feel a bit better so you can get through the week.
Went to my gp last week, who referred me to the lady I am seeing next friday. Said they refer for counselling first and formemost, and then consider ads, but I am pretty sure I need some lol!
Me and DP haven't een able to gout much together but last week tried out our teenage niece as babysitter and it went well, so we told we will have her once a month. Sadly our parents are no help, my mum is a liability and DPs are just uninterested. So we were v.relieved to find a sitter finally.
You are right about things being 'my way', I realise it must be harder for dp as he works long hours, all I ask is a little common sense in proceedings. When we had the chat about gtting him back in bed it was very 'this is what I've been doing and it works really well', tbh I didn't think he would have to put it into practice as he never wakes up!
Don't worry I don't think you are being harsh - I know it is my state of mind playing a large part in this rant. But would rather have a rant than a big row!
I worry about taking myself off as I am trying not to shut dp out, and he will take me going off on my own as a personal insult. Also am feeling guilty about ds being on his own in bed, and dpon't want him to feel sad about it.
It will get easier in the end KS, I had really bad PND and was going through a really hard time, I was 17 and the pnd was undiagnosed for over a year - not good. But now things are so much better and I cxan't believe how i used to be, it wasn't "me" at all!
My dd1 was 2 and a half before i put her in her own bed, she needed her own space as much as we did! Do not feel bad.
Why would dp think you doing something on your own would be shutting him out? Can you not book something very girlie - waxing, manicure, etc - and then he wouldn't consider coming anyway?! Then go and do it with another girlfriend and make sure it involves a large glass of something alcoholic at the end of it!!!
Last time I had hair done in a salon dp sat outside the shop with ds in buggy and two dss's looking extremely bored. Could have looked in a few shops on same street but oh no!
Thanks both of you, feels good to let it all out.
I know you are right lmg - he is huge and needs his own bed now!
Sorry - don't get it - why does he have to come with you?!!! That would drive me nuts!!
Yes drives me mad too. When we go to market and car boot he thinks we should stick together, whereas I think seen as I don't want to look at tools and he doesn't want to look at clothes we could look at different stalls and catch up withe ach other here and there, also we do have mobiles with us.
I am so off kilter I find it hard to know what would annoy me normally and what I should but down to the pnd making me feel that way.
I should point out he is not abad person, last week I was very stressed with work, and he filled the whole weekend, went out Friday night, all day sat and all day sun. Just me him and ds, it was lovely. Also he is working long hours in a crap job for crap pay.
Sorry - got to go - hope you have a better day today!
(PS didn't think for one moment that your dh was an awful man!!!)
I would explain to him that you need some space sometimes. It's not unreasonable for you to go and get your hair cut on your own.
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