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Cheated on and abandoned, long story

(34 Posts)
Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 17:01:07

Hi,

This is a bit of a long story but almost 2 years ago I found out that my fiance and partner of 15 years was seeing someone from work. We had just built a new house together and were planning on getting married. We had always been the couple people thought would be together forever. He told me it was a friendship.and swore the same to his family. I asked him to move home while we talked and tried to work through things and he did. During the summer of 2018 he moved back home and I though things were on the right track even though my gut couldn't really trust him. He said all the right things, he loved me, wanted a family with me, I was the love of his life, she was an escape, but he didnt seem to be the same person.

Fast forward to september 2018 and to cut a long story short, i found out that he was still seeing her, was on the way to a 4 day family wedding with her when i confronted him. They had been sleeping together the whole time, she has 3 kids with another man and is older.

After that confrontation, he went to the wedding!! Said he wanted to marry her and have kids with her. When he came back he text regularly to talk, I couldn't, I was broken. He came to our home while I wasnt there and took his things. It was 2 months before I had the courage to meet him. He said he wanted to come home to me all the time, wanted a family with me, his life had no purpose, he would kill to be with me etc.

I wanted so much to.take him back but the trust was completely broken, I asked him to get help, to move home to his parents...he had moved straight in with her after that wedding!! I hoped he would sort himself out and show me that but it didnt seem to be happening. I got one text after that talk and no more. His family couldn't understand what was going on with him.

I found out from bank statements that he stole all the money from our joint account so contacted a solicitor and got the ball moving on trying to buy his half of our home. I didnt earn as much and it was going to be really difficult to take on everything but I didnt want him selling my home too or moving in with her and her children. I offered him every bit of money he put into the house, through the solicitor. This was rejected, he wanted double that! I never would have thought he could be so cruel. I was so fair even though I was devastated, my life ripped out from under me and him living with another woman and her 3 kids. Eventually I had to get a new job, help from family and sell some things to pay him the extortionate amount for the house.

I then found out through an updated WhatsApp picture that he had married her in the meantime...within a year of begging me to come home. I found out from bank statements that he bought the ring 5 days after begging me to come home!

I am devastated...I miss him so much, I miss our life, I cant believe the lies, betrayal, stealing, cruelty, how much of a coward he turned out to be. I have tried very hard to move on and make a new life for myself but I find it hard when I think that 15 years could mean so little and he moved on without a second thought for me or the horrible situation he put me in.

I know this is very long and really is the tip of the iceberg as far as his lies and betrayal go but I was just hopi g for some suppport and advice...thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Fairycake2 Sun 12-Apr-20 17:59:40

OP I'm so sorry. I don't have any great advice im afraid but just wanted to offer a hand hold and 💐 He sounds like an absolute grade A wanker and in time you will realise you are so much better off without him. In the meantime be kind to yourself and try and reach out and get some support in RL

TheReluctantCountess Sun 12-Apr-20 18:01:39

He really is a turd, and you don’t deserve this. Time is a great healer. 💐

Robin233 Sun 12-Apr-20 18:08:12

Narrow escape
Onwards and upwards
You have done so well and things will get better

Livelovebehappy Sun 12-Apr-20 18:16:48

You know what, it sometimes helps that they behave so badly after leaving you, because it shows what a dick they are, and why would you fight for someone with such a low moral compass, someone who could treat someone they have loved so so badly? Just look to the sky and thank god that you’ve had a lucky escape. It’s so hard to recover from something like this, but take each day as it comes and things will get easier.

Cheeryandmerry Sun 12-Apr-20 18:21:09

OP I’m so sorry. He’s a shitbag and always will be. It’s ok to grieve for your old life, but be selfish and be ready to move on when you feel able x

Butterymuffin Sun 12-Apr-20 18:26:27

His new life will not be as good as he imagined. I won't say 'karma will get him' but he's the sort who will contact you in years to come saying he made a massive mistake. Then you can laugh at him because you'll be in a better place and he'll be the same shitty person as ever. It's really hard now but it will get better. I imagine lots of people who know him think very badly of him, even if they haven't had the courage to say it to his face.

Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 19:23:19

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me. This is my first time posting here, it makes such a difference to hear your advice. I feel like he has just transplanted himself out of our life into a new one with few consequences. I think he lied to a lot of people at work and friends about cheating on me and maybe made it look as if that relationship started after we broke up. I hope they are smart enough to see what happened. Those closest to us know the truth. He has a new family, new home, new job and god knows what else. I am in our home by myself. I've gone on some dates but nobody compares to the person I thought he was even though I know what he did is unforgivable.

@Butterymuffin can I ask why you think he would contact me in years? I always wonder is that something that will happen. I though he loved me more than anything and the thought of him being married to someone else with 3 children is devastating (he's 33, the children are 8 to 13, she is nearly 40) 🙈

OP’s posts: |
BringbackLang Sun 12-Apr-20 19:34:58

Nev, your story broke my heart. I do think Butterymuffin is right, he will probably try to contact you at some point when the shine has worn off his new life. It sounds like he rushed into this with the OW and the phrase marry in haste, repent at leisure springs to mind.

crispysausagerolls Sun 12-Apr-20 20:37:57

Honestly by the end of your post my mouth was gaping open in shock/horror that anybody could be so fucking callous. What a fucking cunt. It doesn’t help to say I’m sure but wow, you are well rid of him! I am so, so sorry - can only imagine how hurtful it must be.

BumbleBeee69 Sun 12-Apr-20 20:46:49

OP he will regret his choices... please release yourself from the man you believed he was.. and see him for the liar and cheat that he is and always will be.. He may have married her but it does not change who he is.. there will be no trust in their marriage, why would there be.. the underhanded manner in which he behaved will stay with her too.. what made their relationship exciting and forbidden will create insecurity in her mind... given time she too will wonder if he is sneaking around with the next person to take his fancy...

by which time you will have met someone else.. and will look back on all this as no great loss... flowers

Herpesfreesince03 Sun 12-Apr-20 20:54:34

What a vile pair of cunts they are. I could give you cliches of how karma is going to get them, and how they’ll regret what they’ve done. But that’s going to have no effect on your life. I can get how devastated you are over this, and how it’s going to be a fucking struggle to get over, but that’s what you need to do. No one has the power to destroy you utterly than the one you love most, but that’s what he’s done, and it’s what makes him such a disgusting human being. Not only has he betrayed you, but he’s betrayed his own children. You need to do whatever it takes to forget this piece of shit and move on with your life

Herpesfreesince03 Sun 12-Apr-20 21:01:28

I know you can’t imagine it now, but you WILL be happy in the future. When you are ready to move on, you are not starting from scratch. You are starting from experience. This man is the biggest scumbag imaginable, and he pulled the blinkers over your eyes for so long. It’s going to be almost impossible to look on the bright side of this, but he’s shown his true colours and you’ve got the chance to find someone in your life who isn’t a soul destroying dickhead

BumbleBeee69 Sun 12-Apr-20 21:21:29

I know you can’t imagine it now, but you WILL be happy in the future.

definitely... you will be OP flowers

Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 21:27:19

Thank you so much for your comments, it means so much. I am trying so hard to put it behind me, doing things way outside my comfort zone, new hobbies, trying to keep busy. It just feels like he's completely ruined things for me, I dont get a fresh start, I feel like everything is tainted. Even my new home that was meant to be ours to start a family in is filled with memories of him and us picking out everything. I dont understand how he can just step in with somebody else's 3 children and marry someone with all the lies and deceit as the foundation. He didnt even have the respect to take a break after all this came out and grieve the loss of our relationship...we went through so much together.

OP’s posts: |
rosabug Sun 12-Apr-20 22:08:27

This is man who actually has little soul, is weak and lost, and in time, if you take this opportunity to really look at the truth of your relationship you will see it was always the way. By my calculations he was 18 when you met? 18?? There, in part is your answer. It's too young, you were both too young. I wonder if you have been the person driving your direction as a couple? You have learned a massively painful truth, but one that is liberating when the time comes for you to accept it:

Nothing lasts forever.

You will survive.

BTW - I'd be a bit more thoughtful about suggesting horror at the thought she is older than him and with 3 kids (as if that's a negative) - so what? It's easy to fall into lazy ageism - don't do it.

I'm 58. and you will be one day too - let alone 40.

Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 22:14:08

@rosabug thank you for your message...absolutely didnt mean anything horror related to having 3 kids or being older. My horror is that my fiance with no children and a partner his age would choose that over what he had which was the chance to have his own family...

OP’s posts: |
Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 22:41:06

Its kind of funny that you warn against lazy ageism but say 18 is too young!! I understand what you are saying though...we were young but we grew and developed independently and as a couple during that time. I suppose it's difficult when you're in love to say after 5 or 10 years, you know we were young getting together we should end this for no good reason! I do think that maybe he wondered if the grass was greener though given that we were eachothers only serious relationship. You've given me some food for thought.

OP’s posts: |
rosabug Sun 12-Apr-20 22:41:55

@Nev85 "My horror is that my fiance with no children and a partner his age would choose that over what he had which was the chance to have his own family..."

What? "that over what he had" - meaning what he had, or could have had, was inherently superior?

Not sure you get it. If I am totally totally honest - its' sort of hopeful - for men - that is. sort of. in your ex's case I think he's got other issues...

I don't now know what has gone on here - you never do really - in these posts - which is understandable. Reading between the lines - your partner perhaps goes for women stronger than himself - perhaps is a little passive (maybe, I don't know), secretive, perhaps builds up secret resentment against said women - he certainly put the knife in you in an inhumane way which points to a possible passive aggressive type.

All I know it's horrible and painful, but you are young (I was 54 when my 20 year relationship went down the tube) You are really young. You should grieve and be angry, but this will also be an opportunity to grow.

One thing that is really difficult to face is ones own part in things. As I said - this guy was not who you thought he was.

Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 22:54:26

@rosabug I suppose what I meant but it's difficult to say in a message is that I would have thought it would be preferable to have your own family with the person you built up a relationship and history with, got engaged to, bought a home with rather than get intertwined with someone elses family and the challenges that that obviously brings. It is my opinion, I didnt say anything about it being superior, it would be my choice.
I'm not sure what the 3rd paragraph means...I think you are right in a lot of what you say, the secretive part has definitely come out in all of this.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my role in this and going to counselling, that is something I struggle with...I dont think anything I did or didnt do in this relationship justified this behaviour.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship...but you sound like a very strong person.

OP’s posts: |
BringbackLang Sun 12-Apr-20 22:55:23

Just remember their relationship is as you said built on lies and deception. That's a pretty shaky foundation to start with and it sounds like he's married someone he barely knows.

I just want to give you a hug and tell you it will be alright. In a few years you'll look back and see you had a lucky escape.

They may stay together (I suspect they won't) or may not. What he does now is none of your concern. Don't let life pass you by mourning over what could have been with some lowlife. Stick two fingers up at the pair of them and live your best life smile

I recommend the forums and resources on surviving infidelity. Com lots of wise words on their.

thanks

Lillygolightly Sun 12-Apr-20 23:00:15

That must have been so hard to find out about the purchase of the ring but actually the timing of it is very telling, and shows just how hollow his relationship with her is.

He called you, begged for another chance/to come home. The thing is you weren’t a mug and we’re going to let him just walk back in as if he’d never left. As soon as he knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as he thought the lazy sod decided to take the easy route, and stayed where he was rather than doing the hard work. Feeling like he had to make his mistake (affair with her) pay and so with his tail between his legs and a heavy heart he bought a ring for her, but let’s be clear his first choice was you, he wanted to come back, it’s was the hard work, being guilty party and knowing that things would always be different that probably prevented him from returning.

Rest assured he has made a right pigs ear of life, yes his married her but I’d bet you anything it was her that pushed for it, not him. Life will be no picnic for him, becoming an overnight stepfather to 3 kids and especially a teen is going to full of issues. I’d be willing to bet money of the fact that he kicks himself in a daily basis that he had his affair. Yes he moved in with her and her kids, and yes he married her, but to save face (common among affair relationships actually) but he knows he’s been a monumental twat and made the fuck up of the century because where is he....not in the house he picked to build and have with you, not married and starting his own family with you Nope, he’s chained to her, with her 3 kids, raising her kids instead of his own....she’s also already done and experienced all the things already that were going to be exciting firsts with you. If his marriage isn’t sour already, it’s heading there. Whatever it was he thought was so fantastic about her in the first place will be a long long way away from what he’s ended up with.

What you’ve gone through is awful and it takes some time to get over, but a wonderful life awaits you especially now you haven’t got a cheating, spineless liar hanging round your neck. flowers

Nev85 Sun 12-Apr-20 23:13:47

I just had a little cry reading the last few messages...I cant get over how insightful and supportive everyone is taking the time to read this thread and reply so thoughtfully.

If he is kicking himself everyday for making a mistake, it all seems like such a waste...all of this suffering for what?!

OP’s posts: |
soannya Mon 13-Apr-20 07:13:36

He’ll cheat on her too because none of this is genuine. He’s not thinking about you or respecting you though so you need to put him behind you. Use this as a lesson though for working out who somebody truly is. He told a lot of lies. Have you got a therapist? Find somebody you can talk to about all of this

user764329056 Mon 13-Apr-20 07:25:06

OP, I had a similarly devastating betrayal but the other woman, who he married, was a very close friend and it knocked me for six, I will never understand the cruelty of certain people and I don’t think I will ever have an answer because it is so far removed from how I think and behave. The shock is enormous and shouldn’t be underestimated, it turns you upside down, please be kind to yourself.

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