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I'm involved in a situation I really don't want to be and need some advice

(38 Posts)
FoghornLeghorn Thu 13-Sep-07 11:06:37

This is probably going to be long winded so will warn you now.

My BIL is now married to the girl who used to be a very close friend (whole other story but we are no longer friends after a big fall out). They were seeing each other before DH and I got together and over the last 8 years we built up a very close friendship.
Her and her now DH (my BIL) went through a rocky patch about 6 years ago after their DS was born, they split up but were on and off like a tap. He had sexual relationships with other people and she did too (she knows about his other 'relationships' although he does not know about hers). During this time she fell pregnant and had a abortion, I didn't know about this at the time but she confided in me sometime after the event. She told the other man she was pregnant and she also told him she was planning on having an abortion.

I have never told another sole about this and never ever planned to. However, I am now concerned that should any of this ever come out I am going to be involved and I really don't want to be.

I don't particularly want to tell my DH as he will 100% tell his brother (as would I if I was put in his situation) and that will then possibly cause their marriage to break up, they have 3 children with another on the way and as much as I dislike and have no loyalty to said person anymore, I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone - I would also run the risk of causing problems in my own marriage from keeping this information from DH for as long as I have.
Equally though, I think it is inevitable that this will come out and become public knowledge consider said 'friend' has now told 2 other people that I know of and the baby's dad was also in on the loop who is an old friend of my BIL's. I don't want to be put in a position where I should've said something to my DH and I didn't.

What would you all do ?

foxinsocks Thu 13-Sep-07 11:09:43

Hmm I don't know.

It's eating at you isn't it.

I think it was a bit unfair of her to tell you (with Dh being brother to her dh).

totaleclipse Thu 13-Sep-07 11:10:09

No advice, but in a similair situation myself, a friend of mine told me a while ago that her 6 yr old daughter was not her dh, her dh is my boss and friend too.

lou33 Thu 13-Sep-07 11:10:38

i would say nothing, and if it comes out and you are asked why you didnt say anything, you just reply that it was not your place to divulge something so personal about another person without their permission

NineUnlikelyTales Thu 13-Sep-07 11:11:07

Keep quiet and if it comes out, deny all knowledge. If it was a few years ago the chances are that your SIL would not remember who she told at the time.

oliveoil Thu 13-Sep-07 11:13:41

well if it does come out and your dh wants to know why you didn't say anything, just say that you were asked not to


if my friend confided in me, I wouldn't tell dh, even if it involved his brother in some way

foxinsocks Thu 13-Sep-07 11:13:59

How do you know that she's told these 2 other people?

I would imagine she realises there's a greater chance it will come out (as you do when you blab to lots of people).

RosaLuxembourg Thu 13-Sep-07 11:17:37

You have kept silent so long that you might as well carry on keeping silent. As others have said you simply need to say that you could not break a confidence. It may well all come out anyway through someone else, but the fallout for you will be much greater if it comes out through you.

FoghornLeghorn Thu 13-Sep-07 11:17:49

She told me about a year ago that she had also told 2 other people - one of which is a mutual friend.

I don't want to say anything but yes it is eating away at me.

I just keep thinking that if DH knew something about my brothers wife like that, and didn't tell me or my brother how would I feel about it ?

lou33 Thu 13-Sep-07 11:19:57

if my p didnt tell me and i found out i would think he had great respect for the fact he had been told something in confidence

FoghornLeghorn Thu 13-Sep-07 11:20:33

That is true Rosa, I really don't want to be anymore involved than I already am and I know if I did say anything to my DH then it would look to anawful lot of people that I was only saying something now because of our falling out and trying to be vicous about it. Which I am not, just trying to cover my own back really, like I said, I know the implications it would have on their marriage and I wouldn't wish that on anyone

FoghornLeghorn Thu 13-Sep-07 11:21:10

True Lou - although I do think that would definitely be an afterthought in mine or DH's case

mishymoo Thu 13-Sep-07 11:25:33

It was unfair of her to put you in such an awkward position in the first place. If she has told 2 other people, it may well become 'public' knowledge sooner rather than later and if it were me, I would tell my DH now that you already knew about abortion, etc... That way, he can't really be cross with you should the shit hit the fan so to speak!

Also, your BIL should not be 'cross' or p'd off with her for sleeping with other men when he was doing it himself.... besides weren't they on a break? Had she kept the baby, surely your BIL wouldn't have been happy to look after another mans child, would he?

startouchedtrinity Thu 13-Sep-07 11:26:07

Keep quiet. What other people do is none of anyone else's business and you would hate for this marriage to get broken up. Your sil made a mistake and it is over with. You were there for her when she needed you. If this comes out and your dh finds out that you knew then you can say that for the sake of your nieces/nephews you decided not to tell anyone ans to leave it to sil as to what she did.

Do you think this is all getting raked up again? Or is it your now broken relationship with sil that is fuelling your disquiet?

Blu Thu 13-Sep-07 11:26:46

Don't say anything.
It isn't any one else's business - you have no 'obligation' to tell - she was separated from her DH at the time, he was also involved in other relationships - which could also have ended in pg - she wasn't accountable to a relationship with him at the time.

Why is this eating you up? Why do you feel you should tell? If it would break them up if he found out now, it would certainly have broken them up had he found out at the time.

Don't tell. If others do, then that is thier repsonsibility and your SIL's risk, and nothing to do with you. If you had told earlire, it would have been the same result, only sooner. If this is eating you up, how would you feel if there was a break-up due to you telling something which you were asked not to, about something that ocurred when they were apart?

daisyandbabybootoo Thu 13-Sep-07 11:28:07

I would keep quiet about it tbh. It was six years ago, they were both guilty of affairs, but have sorted themselves out and have a nice family unit. I don't see what purpose it would serve to tell your DH, and if it does ever come out in the open you can be happy that it wasn't you breaking the confidence. if your dh got annoyed with you for not telling him, then he is beeing a tad unreasonable.

And if she's told more people than you, then she only has herself to blame if it does come out.

also can you be sure she hasn't told her dh about this herself? can you suggest to her that maybe she should?

startouchedtrinity Thu 13-Sep-07 11:28:42

If there is one thing I've learned from watching the pigs' ears that people make of their lives it is never interfere in someone else's marriage, even indirectly by telling a friend/relation something.

startouchedtrinity Thu 13-Sep-07 11:28:59

Unless there is violence, of course.

bagpuss Thu 13-Sep-07 11:29:38

I agree with lou. I wouldn't say anything and would try to keep out of it if at all possible.

1crazymumof2 Thu 13-Sep-07 11:35:09

I understand exactly how you feel, my bil's wife has just had two abortions in the last two years,[my bil really wanted her to go through with the pregnancies]. My husband was told in confidence but told me. I must say it makes for some pretty uncomfortable silences when we are all together with family and mother in law comes out with things like, 'oh,i wonder what your children would look like,are you planning to have any soon!'shock.
He then looks forlornly at my kids, she smiles uncomfortably, my DH shuffles his feet, and i just wish the ground would open and swallow me whole. To be honest i think you should respect the fact you were told in confidence, i know that you don't like keeping such big secrets from your DH, but if you tell it will inevitably cause sooo much trouble and all so you could lighten your conscience.

NappiesGalore Thu 13-Sep-07 11:36:00

i agree with lou and blu. why on earth would you tell? sounds completely uncalled for imo.

lulumama Thu 13-Sep-07 11:39:05

telling anyone will make you a hundred times more involved than you are, and this will almost certainly end up being a case of the messenger, ie you , being shot, and this will become far more complex.

1crazymumof2 Thu 13-Sep-07 11:41:02

Agree with Lulumama.

expatinscotland Thu 13-Sep-07 11:42:49

I'd keep schtum and then deny it if it came out.

I hate it when people do this, to the point where if they're about to, I stop them and ask them not to.

FoghornLeghorn Thu 13-Sep-07 11:43:06

Thanks for all of your posts - Blu I agree with what you are saying 100%, I really do not want to say anything and break up a relationship and family which I'm pretty sure is what the outcome would be.
It has eaten me up since I found out about but I have always batted it to the back of my mind - I have come close to telling DH a couple of times but never have.

I suppose this has been brought up again from our fall out - it has made me review the situation and where my loyalties lie.

I agree that I shouldn't say anything but wanted other opinions to make me see if I am doing the right thing or not.

If the shit does hit the proverbial I will send DH here so he can see this thread !

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