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I dont like myself

(21 Posts)
Worriedgran2020 Thu 09-Apr-20 20:58:53

I am nearly 60, have grown up children. My second husband is in his 60's. our marriage has not been happy. he continually lies, keeps secrets, doesnt involve me in anything, continually does things that i dont like and that make me feel bad for example porn on his phone, lap top etc. i have explained to him that i feel inadequate etc etc but he continues to do it. basically all his computer items are password protected i.e tablet, phone, laptop.
All this is not new. the reason i am posting today as the other problem i have with him is that he takes out credit cards, over drafts, guarantor for his son's car and does not tell me about it. He takes the mail to his work so i cannot find out about it. However one way or another i have found out about them - he is over £6000 in debt. he wont discuss it and just gives me the silent treatment , or will say "yeh, yeh yeh". I feel that he punishes me with his silent treatment, ignoring me and moving away from me in bed like i have done something.
today i found out that he has taken a 'mortgage holiday' again without discussing with me. I am really annoyed as this is a joint mortgage and we are both still working full time. all he will do is treat himself to his numerous expensive gadgets and toys. again a decision that affects me and our future has been made. Today i was quite nasty to him, i complained that he had not helped me clean up and i told him to go back into his shed. I resent his lies, his laziness and i feel like i just seethe with anger and resentment. sometimes i feel nasty thoughts and then i feel that i am a bad person.
i just dont feel there is any point in talking to him, he just ignores me and continues to behave like he has for the past 15 years anyway.
at the same time i am worried about starting all over again in my 60's but i also worry about being stuck with him for the rest of my life.
i just do not trust him, i dont know how to get that back when he makes no attempt to change or make amends. he never says he is sorry, he somehow turns it round so that it is my fault.
i am so so sorry that this is so long. i suppose being stuck in doesn't help but it has also brought it home to me what it would be like when we retire.

redastherose Thu 09-Apr-20 21:44:16

Don't worry about starting over alone. Being alone is better than being with an arsehole you can't trust. Seriously, do you want to spend your retirement worrying about what he's doing and debt or be free and be your own person. Being able to make your own decisions about your life and spend your own money how you want. It sounds very much as though you'd be better off without him, how does he show you that you are important to him if he doesn't care how you feel and ignores what you say.

Shortfeet Thu 09-Apr-20 22:02:58

Oh my goodness you are not an old lady!! Please please consider leaving this horrible marriage before he drags you down further.
You are so battered by his horribleness you can't see straight.
LTB!! I've been on mumsnet over 20 years and I have NEVER said that x

Shortfeet Thu 09-Apr-20 22:04:26

Why is your title " I don't like myself"?

Holothane Thu 09-Apr-20 22:16:57

You poor thing, right get details together financial stuff documents then leave as soon as you can, he’s a liar, brings you down emotionally and financially hugs.

Worriedgran2020 Thu 09-Apr-20 22:25:10

i dont like myself because i feel angry and hateful all the time. some of the things i think about him are not nice and i feel like i am a bad person. i feel like i hate him and i wish that he was not here then i feel guilty. i feel like he is just making a mug out of me and he just carries on like nothing has happened. i seethe with anger and resentment. i am not an aggressive person and am very quiet but when he keeps me awake at night with his snoring i feel like putting a pillow over his head. - i never would harm him but i just boil with unexpressed anger and i dont like these feelings.

Sarahlou63 Thu 09-Apr-20 22:29:30

You and he aren't compatible. It happens and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Just accept you don't like him, don't want to be with him and you would be much happier without him in your life. Once you can accept that and let go of the negative feelings you can plan the next stage of your life - without him.

ellanwood Thu 09-Apr-20 22:31:27

Just leave. You could live until you are 100. Lots of people do these days. You want another 30+ years of this?

Work out your finances and look for a new life in an area of the country where you can afford to live. Start thinking of things you want to do, places you want to go. If they are supportive, try to talk to your adult children about it. If not, to friends or a marriage counsellor, just to get some perspective and help you work out what you want most from life.

RincewindsLostShoe Fri 10-Apr-20 00:57:18

Read up on passive aggressive abuse - you are the victim of this it sounds like.

The horrible way you feel right now is understandable, you are not a bad person, you are having unkind things done to you and that is why you feel the way you do.

Please listen to your anger, it is telling you there is something very wrong here.

OldWomanSaysThis Fri 10-Apr-20 01:01:45

If you leave, you will feel relief. The anger will dissipate.
I don't understand this phrase "starting again" - it's just your life continuing on - happier.

MrFaceyRomford Fri 10-Apr-20 01:02:30

Get out now. If it's this bad with two incomes, think what it'll be like when you're both retired on a pension.

Shortfeet Fri 10-Apr-20 01:13:47

This horrible situation is bringing our feelings in Y9u you don’t like but it’s completely understandable.
Have you considered leaving ?
If not, why not ?

This is no way to live !

FabbyChix Fri 10-Apr-20 02:47:03

Your 60 your not happy it won’t change. Stand up for yourself and stop letting him treat you like he is incharge. You only live so long is it worth losing time in life to this shit

AgentJohnson Fri 10-Apr-20 03:59:34

i just boil with unexpressed anger and i dont like these feelings.

Then do something about it! Waiting around for him to be different and handwringing are strategies that haven’t worked.

Hiding in a shitty relationship is doing nothing for your self worth and only you can make the choice to stop doing so.

AlwaysCheddar Fri 10-Apr-20 08:52:02

Be proactive and start getting your affairs sorted out... contact banks, set up a P.O. Box or mail redirection, get to the post first. Do a credit check online. See a solicitor.

KittyKattyKate Fri 10-Apr-20 09:20:06

Leave him. Leave him now while you are still healthy, active and working. Your life will start again and you’ll be free of men and their shit for ever and always. You’ll be able to do what you want, when you want and with who you want.

The £6000 debt you know of is probably only the tip of the iceberg. When you divorce, you will have to pay half of it. Phone the bank and tell them you haven’t agreed to the mortgage holiday. Get rid of this man NOW before he ruins you financially.

There is no love or trust left here. It’s time to move on to a porn free existence.

MsJaneAusten Fri 10-Apr-20 09:27:02

i feel like he is just making a mug out of me and he just carries on like nothing has happened. i seethe with anger and resentment.

I totally understand this. I’ve been feeling that fury for years. I finally kicked him out in January and feel like a huge weight has lifted. We still need to do all the legalities and the picking apart of the finances etc, but I’ve lost that feeling of resentment (against him, and against me for not acting) and feel so much better. Get out. You’ll feel better flowers

category12 Fri 10-Apr-20 09:41:52

You really don't want to spend the rest of your life like this (or in jail for smothering him grin). It's worth going for your own happiness at any age.

Opaljewel Sat 11-Apr-20 08:32:16

What I would be worried about if is the house is in both of your names, how has he taken a mortgage holiday? Don't you both have to sign for something like that? Get some legal advice op. Start with citizens advice. You have one life. You don't need to live like this. You could live to 100. Do you want another 30 to 40 years like? Be happy lovely.

Worriedgran2020 Thu 16-Apr-20 22:18:21

thank you everyone for your input. hope that you are all safe.

MissyBB Thu 16-Apr-20 22:30:10

Could he have a gambling or drug addiction?
Speaking as the partner of an ex addict.

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