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If you never contacted any of your friends

(68 Posts)
Sosadandempty Thu 09-Apr-20 18:09:37

how many of them do you think would eventually contact you?

In my case I can think of two people who would eventually contact me maybe - after weeks and weeks. It tends to be me who contacts people first normally.

It has made me realise that aside from my responsibility to my teens who need to live near their school, I could up sticks without anyone batting an eyelid or noticing. It also feels lonely.

That’s all really. Not wallowing, just comparing notes.

TheReluctantCountess Thu 09-Apr-20 18:11:02

None.

tealandseagreen Thu 09-Apr-20 18:17:33

None. I've become even more introverted and am focused on making myself happier with my own company.

Sosadandempty Thu 09-Apr-20 18:20:10

Thank you both. Can I ask if you mind? I am quite introverted too but also like people and company, even if I am more of a listener type of person in a way.

What kind of things are you doing to make yourself happier with your own company @tealandseagreen?

TheReluctantCountess Thu 09-Apr-20 18:24:26

I do mind, yes, but I am coming to terms with the fact that I must not be very likable.

Watto1 Thu 09-Apr-20 18:27:11

I wondered if a group of friends would bother with me if I stopped making contact. So I decided to test my theory. This was in 1999 and I’m still waiting to hear from them.

Sosadandempty Thu 09-Apr-20 18:27:30

Really @TheReluctantCountess? I am sure that that’s not the case - or someone who was actually unlikeable would not have the self-awareness to even know that about themselves? However I can relate to the feeling as I too wonder what is wrong with me and why other people seem to be people magnets or how they manage to be so extrovert.

Sosadandempty Thu 09-Apr-20 18:28:32

This was in 1999 and I’m still waiting to hear from them.

Oh dear grin. I am also currently testing my theory, but have only just started so we will see!!!

karala Thu 09-Apr-20 18:29:40

i know what you mean - I'm the contacter in a lot of relationships and I don't think it's because I'm unlikeable (!) I think it's just how it is. I do have a couple of friends who are similar to me and we're talked about this a lot because they feel a bit put upon sometimes. sorry ramblling

Racmactac Thu 09-Apr-20 18:30:14

My friends would be concerned if I didn't respond to messages after a day. I know this because I went quiet whilst having hard time.
2 of them were relentless until I answered them because they were worried about me.

I love my friends

tealandseagreen Thu 09-Apr-20 18:31:18

@TheReluctantCountess I have come to that conclusion but am resigned to the fact that there's always someone funnier or that they like more.

tealandseagreen Thu 09-Apr-20 18:33:38

Not hobbies but just more contented to be by myself with my tv, book, work and children.

User18492725204065241 Thu 09-Apr-20 18:33:44

The two people I thought I could count on forgot my milestone birthday last year, we are all born within days of one another, been friends for over a decade. Its really brought home how alone I am, I don't have a close family or any friends now really, so lockdown hasn't affected me at all in terms of social life.

I'm well liked by colleagues it would seem, they've checked up on me since lockdown, but I never know how to progress to a more meaningful friendship.

LochJessMonster Thu 09-Apr-20 18:39:00

There’s a particular group of ‘friends’ that I know I wouldn’t hear from. I’ve kinda decided to move away from them as it really does affect your self esteem.

There’s another group of friends I’ve made more recently through a hobby (I know I know wink) and they’ve made me realise what true friendship is. Especially during self isolation.

It’s amazing what a difference true friends make to your self confidence.

wheresmymojo Thu 09-Apr-20 18:48:42

So my theory on this...

There are life's contacters and organisers which make up about 20% of the population.

And there is everyone else.

Those of us in the 20% with a good level of confidence and self esteem know it is one of our best traits. We are the bringers together of people. We're the centre of networks. It's one of the things that makes us, us. It's one of the things that we bring to the world that benefits other people. And it makes us happy.

Those of us in the 20% who, for whatever reason, don't have such a good level of confidence and self esteem. We worry about what it means. We worry that if the other 80% aren't the same as us that it means they don't even like us. We feel a bit used and kind of sad.

People often move between these by the way depending on life circumstances, this post isn't about judging the second group. I've been there myself.

But yeah...this is my theory and it's made all the difference to how I think about it and it seems true to me.

RantyAnty Thu 09-Apr-20 19:32:31

I only have a few people in my life and surprisingly they will reach out!
Even one I thought would never, he contacted me after 2 weeks to ask how I was.

I've been making more of an effort too.

InTheGardenDrinkingTea Thu 09-Apr-20 19:38:02

One. I've barely talked to anyone in lockdown.

I'm always the contacter and it's not because I'm the organiser and people are waiting for me to do so, its because no one gives a shit 🤷‍♀️

I'm also coming to terms with the fact I must just not be very likeable.

Epona1 Thu 09-Apr-20 19:53:37

None. I tried it when going through a bad divorce. Even moved slightly out of the area and stopped going to regular meet ups.

I basically disappeared, no forwarding address or contact. Not one single ‘friend’ picked up the phone, sent a text to see where I was or if I were ok.
Just goes to show who your real friends are when you need them.

What hurt the most was one friend we considered to be best friends. But turned out I was just handy for when she needed something doing.

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar Thu 09-Apr-20 21:16:44

I would say about four. Today I didn't look at WhatsApp and had a friend ask if I was okay cause I hadn't been on. I thought it was quite sweet people do actually care. Sometimes I think when we aren't occupied doing things the days seems long and we wonder why we've not heard from people

Bella2020 Thu 09-Apr-20 21:25:40

I dont think there are any friends who would chase after me, I really don't. It hurts and I guess it must be because they aren't really that interested in me or my life. I'm very lucky in other ways, though; I have a loving, wonderful husband and a great family.

QuayboardWarrior Thu 09-Apr-20 21:26:21

None so I'm stopping bothering. When lockdown is over I'm going to carry on as if it is still in force.

Greydove28 Thu 09-Apr-20 21:38:41

Same here. I stopped contacting a group of friends last weekend deliberately to see of they would msg me as always me doing the messaging and nothing. Even saw loads of facebook uploads and everyone tagged in apart from me. Made me feel like shit and I wonder why I bother now.

Whathewhatnow Thu 09-Apr-20 21:48:57

A good few. I'd be very sad if I thought no-one would check in on me.

Some of them, it might take quite a while because our friendships are intense but sporadic.

Others are more constant.

Mentionitis Thu 09-Apr-20 21:54:47

That's a really interesting point about some people just being contacters and choosing whether to feel negatively about this or viewing it as a positive. I've struggled with this feeling in the past, that if I didn't contact people I wouldn't hear from them, but next time I feel down about it I might try to remind myself that it's actually a great trait to reach out to people and connect with them, and not to take it as an indication that I'm an intrinsically unlikable person or anything like that.

Times10 Thu 09-Apr-20 21:57:01

I’m usually the contacter (sp?) and even so I don’t do it very often, so I think it would take months (years) for some people to get in touch. The main issue is most of them are working full time and have young kids, so I think the weeks go by before we realise. It doesn’t help that we don’t live near, so organising to meet up is always a faff between available dates and childcare.

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