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Boyfriend advice please

(82 Posts)
lennyhenryslaugh Thu 09-Apr-20 12:43:00

Ok so I need some perspective here, I'm in a relationship with someone and some bits don't feel good...sooooo I want you to list what you think makes a good boyfriend? And what doesn't.

I've been in a long abusive marriage then played the field for a year and have no idea what normal is any more.

Willow2017 Thu 09-Apr-20 12:48:49

If it doesn't feel right to you then it isnt.
If he makes you question his actions then they are wrong.
That's all that matters.
Dont second guess yourself go with your gut.

lennyhenryslaugh Thu 09-Apr-20 12:52:41

Thank you. What if you love the person bit they're damaged too and say things will be better? And they're not hurting you but unable to give what you want sad

category12 Thu 09-Apr-20 12:52:49

A relationship should add to your life, (but that addition should not be pain).

NoMoreDickheads Thu 09-Apr-20 12:54:59

What doesn't feel good? If you feel ok to share.

I would go with PP if it's something really bad or you have a really bad feeling.

If you think it's something you could ask him not to do and he mightn't do again, you could try that if you like, if you haven't already.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 09-Apr-20 12:55:21

Better to be single than to be so badly accompanied.

I would look at the Freedom programme run by women’s aid before you start dating again. Love your own self for a change.

Your boundaries need further revision upwards because these would have bee harmed by previous abuse. This man is clearly not the person for you.

lennyhenryslaugh Thu 09-Apr-20 13:01:20

He moved in with me, doesn't pay rent (this is ok because I need the control) but spends all his money on cigarettes - works part time, he is loyal and does cook but he just can't be living it affectionate unless I ask for it. Is it normal - he also can't tidy up after himself and I do his washing etc, uses all my facilities but doesn't say thank you 😱

morecoffeerequired Thu 09-Apr-20 13:04:32

He has free lodgings and is treating you as a housekeeper he can have sex with.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

category12 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:05:43

Cocklodger.

lennyhenryslaugh Thu 09-Apr-20 13:05:47

He is a good friend and companion, good company, he hugs me at night. That's about it

mummmy2017 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:09:06

See he is rent free does he treat you.
Does he earn money?
In your mind swap roles, become him, what would you be like?

Willow2017 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:21:36

He moved in with me, doesn't pay rent (this is ok because I need the control) but spends all his money on cigarettes - works part time, he is loyal and does cook but he just can't be living it affectionate unless I ask for it. Is it normal - he also can't tidy up after himself and I do his washing etc, uses all my facilities but doesn't say thank you
He should buy food then.
Tidy up after himself, do his share of housework.
Show you that he cares.
He isnt doing any of that he is just using you. You are going to be skint keeping him and he gets to live for free and get sex on tap.
Why should he change?
Kick him out or you will find that settling just for company will destroy your self esteem pdq.

mummmy2017 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:28:10

I think your writing here because you know your being used.
Mumsnet is good at helping you get rid of men like this.

Aloe6 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:29:38

Cocklodger. He needs to be binned off. He’s using you.

category12 Thu 09-Apr-20 13:34:23

Also all he can't do this, he can't do that. He bloody well can.

It's won't.

And why should he, he's got you to skivvy for him.

Opaljewel Thu 09-Apr-20 13:37:08

Bonafide cock lodger. Get rid. You wrote on here for a reason. Maybe your radar isn't so bad after all?

lennyhenryslaugh Thu 09-Apr-20 14:00:44

sad

triedandtestedteacher Thu 09-Apr-20 14:13:13

It's very personal but my list was-
Doesn't skip weekends.
Pays on dates/ wants to impress.
You always know when you're next date is.
Gifts you romantically for birthday/valentines/Christmas
Brings you into his world ( meeting friends/ family) within about three months.
Wants to spend special occasions with you, Christmas/ new year/ his birthday/ your birthday /you're his guest at weddings.
Says I love you within the first couple of months.
No negging, no dubious statements about not wanting to settle down/get married. He wants to clarify the relationship/ exclusivity early on.

triedandtestedteacher Thu 09-Apr-20 14:14:57

Just saw you moved him in. Big mistake. Never move them in

Onemorefuck Thu 09-Apr-20 14:16:29

The very fact that you are asking, means you are not happy OP.

Shoxfordian Thu 09-Apr-20 14:17:55

He's a waste of your precious time

Onemorefuck Thu 09-Apr-20 14:20:10

A good partner -
Listens.
Makes you feel equal.
Offers to share as much of any load (emotional or physical) as they can to make everything easier. Definitely does not add to any of those things.
You have a laugh.

MazDazzle Thu 09-Apr-20 14:23:50

A good partner:
- is supportive of your life choices
- compliments and praises you
- checks in to make sure you’re on the same page
- laughs with you
- respects you

A bad partner
- sulks
- gives the silent treatment
- won’t discuss issues
- blames you
- criticises your friends and your choices

OhLook Thu 09-Apr-20 14:23:58

Him not paying any rent doesn't give you any control, he's in control. He's getting a free ride from you and you're letting him.

MazDazzle Thu 09-Apr-20 14:25:56

And to me respect means paying their fair share and tidying their fair share, otherwise they’re using you.

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