Step-daughter issues & my marriage

[JJShack]

Advice needed please big-time!
I have an up/down relationship with my now 16 year old step daughter which does not seem to improve regardless of what I do or not do. She was an only child up until 5 years ago when my now husband & I met. I have 2 children D-13, S-16.
Generally speaking, Hubby & I have a great relationship & do both have a real love for each other. Any arguments that have been had have been about the children.
We are all under pressure currently with the lockdown, a couple of us having had the virus, a dog being run over in a hit & run 5 weeks ago... was very luck survive as well as 2 16 year olds who were due to have GCSE's but will no longer.
Stepdaughter is with us for 7 out of 14 nights in a 2 week pattern.
Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us. There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay. It has been a real challenge trying to keep a balance all round, trying not to upset her & then I have my kids ask why me she gets away with things & they do not.
It has not been as easy run of things & I do get upset at how dismissive & distant she can be.... she rarely thinks of anyone else but herself & can be rude to her father (as my children can be to me) but he ignores this. Since the start of year 11 back in September, she has been telling hubby that she would prefer to spend more time at her mum's for her GCSE's. Then since Christmas, she has been saying she would prefer to spend more time with her mother so that she can see her boyfriend as well as GCSE's - again Hubby talking her out of it.
Well last week, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.
She now does not want to come to our house again or never see me again.
My hubby has told me in the last couple of days that he feels torn between his daughter & our marriage. He wants both.
He feels that the only way to have both now is to move into another property currently rented out on the nights we would normally have his daughter and then return back to our family home when she is not.
I really do not feel that this will work..... because the issue will not have properly been addressed, because my step-daughter will always feel she has one-up and can pull Daddy away at any time.
I also feel that it would not be right as it would be a strain on our marriage as if life right now is not already stressful..... it would also have financial implications that neither can really afford that would add a further strain.
I also feel that my stepdaughter would still not really be happy at staying with her Dad in a property in the middle of nowhere, no public transport etc & I feel that as she gets to do what she wants when she is with her mother - prefers that lifestyle as she can see her boyfriend whenever she likes & is also the "only child" at her Mothers house.
Hubby has now already given notice to tenants in other property. I really feel that what he is suggesting should not happen at all?
Am I wrong to feel this way and wanting to find an alternative solution or should I go along with what hubby is proposing to do?
Any advice would be extremely appreciated. TIA. x

[hellsbellsmelons]

Honestly OP - I think your DH has the perfect solution to this problem.
You don't want her around.
You can concentrate on your own DC when his not there.
You won't have the same disruption in the house as she won't be there!
She is 16! She has not WON! You are the adult here.
Let her have her time with her dad.
You be a mum to your DC when he is not there.
Seems to solve all your problems.
Embrace it!
(probably not a popular opinion but there you go!)

[1111Cleopatra]

I would totally go with this. For a start it will be for a very short period of time. Your SD wants to stay with her mum and prefers the life she has with her mum, she is likely to be using the argument with you as an excuse the achieve this. If you haven't already, I would apologise for the outburst and leave it at that, no explanations. while both your DH & SD are not in the house you can spend time alone with your children, I bet they will love this. Let her think she has the one-up for now, it doesn't matter, let that one go. Once she has had tine on her own with her dad she will still want to be settled (this is normal at her age) at her mums, she will probably find an excuse not to stay with her dad, at least then you are not the one to blame. I think you will find in the long term you will have got the one up!

[TheBouquets]

It may be that your DH is embarrassed by his daughter's conduct and wants to try to keep the peace in any possible way.
Do your children totally accept your DH and his daughter? Would your children be happier without the stress of the daughter's visit?
Remember that considering the ages of all three children will eventually leave home probably for university which could be in the next 2 - 5 years, if your DH goes ahead with living separately from you and your children will your relationship survive this?
I wonder if the DH's daughter needs to be told to behave in a suitable manner

[noyoucannotcomein]

Since the start of year 11 back in September, she has been telling hubby that she would prefer to spend more time at her mum's for her GCSE's. Then since Christmas, she has been saying she would prefer to spend more time with her mother so that she can see her boyfriend as well as GCSE's - again Hubby talking her out of it.

She's sixteen. She is happier at her mothers and you are happier when she's at her mothers, as you have now made her perfectly aware. He should have listened to her when she clearly told him what she wanted.

What he has suggested is probably for the best if he won't take her actual wishes on board. (I do appreciate he wants to see her, but at 16, it's her choice).

[Troels]

It won't work for long. She doesn't want her Dad to herself, she wants to stay home with her Mum so she can see her boyfriend whenever.
She'll soon be inventing reasons not to come to his rental property and he will have turfed people out of their home for no reason.

[Nanny0gg]

Well last week, I ended up having too much to drink & lost it. I upset the whole family & directly told my stepdaughter that I was fed up with her & felt she causes a lot of the problems.
She now does not want to come to our house again or never see me again.

Can't say as I blame her and her father is trying to put her first (as he should).
What's the problem with that?

[thecatneuterer]

Regardless of anything else, he can't get his property back for probably at least six months and almost certainly longer. At present, assuming it's now a periodic tenancy, he has to give three months notice. Then, if the tenants don't want to leave then, he would need to apply to the courts, which won't be functioning until this crisis is over, and then there will be a huge backlog. If the tenants don't want to go he would be lucky to get the house back before Christmas.

[PinkCrayon]

I think your dh should have listened to his daughter when she wanted to spend more time at her mother's, she's 16 its normal for contact to change at that age she doesn't want the back and forth then he should let her do as she pleases, he needs to listen to her.

[negomi90]

There's nothing in your post indiciting her being awful.
She's 16 and dismissive of adults doing things for her, self centred and rude. That's every 16 year old.
She wants to spend more time with her mum and is finding excuses to do so. That needs to be tackled from her father - exploring why and what he can do to encourage her to like staying with him. Is it that she doesn't feel as at home? Why? Why can't she spend time with her boyfriend from her dad? etc.

There is nothing in your post to justify a blow up at her.
No adult would want to be around another adult who has accused them of causing most of the family problems. No adult would feel comfortable in that environment.
Why then would you expect a teenager to do so?
Why does she have to choose between her relationship with her father or being around someone who makes her uncomfortable? Why are you expecting her to put up with something you wouldn't expect an adult to?
She's a teenager your relationship problems aren't her fault. Maybe her father isn't backing you up properly, maybe you don't like how he parents. That's on you and him not her.

Right now, it sounds like he is doing right and not sacrificing his relationship with her for you.

[DBML]

What 16 year old is going to want to stay 7 days at a time, just her and her dad? She wants to be with her boyfriend and friends at this age. Your husband sounds a little suffocating - she’s not a baby.

You were wrong to tell her those things when drunk, regardless of whether it’s true or not. Perhaps offer an apology?

Why can’t she just come and visit when she pleases?

Getting a flat sounds a bit excessive. Are you sure DH isn’t using this as an excuse?

[thatsoundsfun]

She is used to being an only child. She wants to be the 100% centre of the universe. Her dad cant offer her that with you and your kids in the house so it makes sense.

[Starlight1243]

Was unfair to blow up with her when you were drunk, she sounds a typical 16 year old girl. Is her boyfriend allowed round?

[slipperyeel]

She’s 16, try to be the adult here

[HarrietTheShy]

Imagine being 16 and your drunk step-mom 'loses it' and tells you what she really thinks of you. I hope he removes her from the situation immediately.

[JKScot4]

Your DH is extremely unreasonable giving his tenants notice, does he know they won’t be able to get a viewing just now and are possibly on a reduced income.

[Aquamarine1029]

After your drunken tantrum, any hope of harmony is gone. Let your husband do what he thinks is best to nurture his relationship with his daughter.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

You got drunk and told her she's the reason for all the problems in the family?

You're lucky you're still married. If you were my OH you'd have been out on your arse.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I wouldn't 'compete' if I were you. Let them do their thing. Sounds like she'll maybe soon stop seeing him so much, anyway.

Have you apologized to your step daughter for how you acted? Or can't you bring yourself to do so?

This'll blow over, and hopefully in a couple of years she'll bugger off to uni, anyway.

[boredboredboredboredbored]

I agree with pp you come across with little tolerance for her. I have a 16 yo Dd who is spending less time with her Dad, surely this is a natural progression? Nothing you've said sounds beyond normal teenage behaviour. I think you resent her for being around.

[WearyandBleary]

I would put money on her moving into the second property with her boyfriend as soon as she can - and your DH will be back with you while paying her bills...

His solution is probably reasonable though - sounds like you lost it a bit which is a great shame.

[DuesToTheDirt]

Over the years, I have learnt not to tell her off as she complains to her father & then tells him she no longer wishes to stay with us. There are occasions when she also has blamed my children for not wanting to come & stay. It has been a real challenge trying to keep a balance all round, trying not to upset her & then I have my kids ask why me she gets away with things & they do not.

Am I the only one that read this part? Sounds like she's been getting her own way for years by using emotional blackmail against her dad.

[SanFranBear]

I agree with the pp, she's 16 - its natural to want to be with her friends and boyfriends more and if that's easiest from her mums house then that's where she'll want to be the majority of the time.

I also dont blame her for not wanting to spend time with her Dad if you're there - your drunken argument sounds pretty intense and I wouldn't want to spend any more time with someone who accused me of that, and I'm in my 40s.

Have you apologised?

[ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie]

I think it’s a good solution. You and your dc get some alone time and your dh can feel like he is putting his daughter first. The reality is, he’ll soon find that she doesn’t want to be in the middle of nowhere with just her dad for company. It’s a shame it’s come to this but it won’t last for long, he’ll soon be back. You shouldn’t have gone off blaming her for everything but 16 year olds can be a pain in the arse and know how to get under your skin and take pleasure from it. However, you are the adult in the situation so take a step back and give your dh and sd what they think they want.

[noyoucannotcomein]

Am I the only one that read this part? Sounds like she's been getting her own way for years by using emotional blackmail against her dad.

She's had to watch her dad move in with two other kids, one the exact same age as her. And OP says this:

She was an only child up until 5 years ago when my now husband & I met. I have 2 children D-13, S-16.

To this kid, she still is an only child. That's her dad and maybe she does blame them as she's hurting. And now her SM has made it clear she's doesn't want her around.

[paininthepoinsettia]

Honestly OP this isn't working for anyone. Your dsd isn't happy, your dc are getting caught in crossfire, and you sound like you are trying to compete here. I would live apart for the foreseeable future.