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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sister in isolation with abusive boyfriend

31 replies

emmielia · 08/04/2020 06:59

My sister is very young ( under 20 ) and has been staying at her boyfriends house most nights for the past year.

Whilst she was there my mum received a letter stating that my sister needs to self isolate for 12 weeks as she is considered high risk. She told her this on a phone call and sister agreed that she would isolate at my parents house and stay in the spare room, whilst my mum would provide her food etc from a distance.

Although she had been at boyfriends house since lockdown. She agreed that as she would be isolating for at least 12 weeks she would be better of at home with people who could care for her. Boyfriend is still working long hours.

The next day she was expected home . She called Mum crying saying she has changed her mind. Boyfriend doesn't want her gone for 12 weeks.
What the fuck!
He said she started lockdown at his house, so she has to stay there for the duration! He will break up with her if she returns to parents. And tell the police.

She could potentially get seriously ill as boyfriend is in contact with a lot of other people at work. He is only at home a few hours at a time.

He is always making her cry, insulting her and she's had some 'accidents' that really concern me.

What can I do/ say to help? Is she right to stay in one place where she started lockdown? Even with this abusive twit?

OP posts:

Report

category12 · 08/04/2020 07:36

No, she doesn't have to stay.

There's a widely publicised exception for domestic abuse. And even if there wasn't, we don't live in a police state and she would not be forced to stay. Except by her boyfriend.

If she's willing to leave, support her to do so. If he won't let her leave, police need to be involved - it's false imprisonment and a crime.

ScrapThatThen · 08/04/2020 07:45

Let her know she can leave whenever she wants and tell her you will help her sort it out.

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2020 07:50

Are your parents elderly or in the high risk category for underlying health reasons? In which case she shouldn't go there, as she may take the virus with her. She should leave and live with someone who isn't in a high risk category. I assume she doesn't have her own place to go to?

Sittinonthefloor · 08/04/2020 07:52

If think your parents should call the police and go and get her. I don't think that would be overreacting.

category12 · 08/04/2020 08:06

If she's alone in his house for long periods, I'd go round while he's at work and extract her.

Tigger001 · 08/04/2020 08:14

If the boyfriend is out at work most of the day, I would drive there, pack her belongings and take her to her parents house. They can all deal with the "situation" once we are out of lockdown.

Besom · 08/04/2020 08:21

If he is going out to work then she is still at heightened risk so should not be there in the first place. He would really need to stop working.

Besom · 08/04/2020 08:23

I agree with going to get her and take the police with you if necessary

user1635896324685367 · 08/04/2020 08:27

The law allows you to go out:

to avoid injury or illness or to escape a risk of harm.

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/350/made

The police won't arrest her. They should arrest him since coercive control is a crime.

Is he older than her? And is she more afraid of the police or unable to face the end of the relationship?

Dozer · 08/04/2020 08:29

Her life is at risk. In your parents’ situation I would physically go there at a time when her BF is at work, and beg her to come with me.

emmielia · 08/04/2020 08:30

I will try and contact her this morning and offer to help her leave if she wants to.

I have a feeling she will say she wants to stay putt now.

I don't think she will ever leave him to be honest. It's almost like he's brainwashed her.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 08/04/2020 08:31

I agree with going to get her and take the police with you if necessary

Me too.

Dozer · 08/04/2020 08:31

Would she say that if one of you physically came to see her?

category12 · 08/04/2020 08:37

Try and get her to do some reading, like Lundy's "Why does he do that?", if she won't leave. Push her need for isolation as she's vulnerable as the angle to try to get her to leave.

If he loved her, he wouldn't want to put her at risk by exposing her as he's doing. It's all about control. (But that is not what she wants to hear).

emmielia · 08/04/2020 08:37

I don't know @Dozer. I'm also wondering who would be best to go there as obviously we can't all go.

My mum doesn't drive. My dad isn't the fittest and I would worry that if there was any confrontation he would get hurt.

Which just leaves me really. That's why if I could sort it over the phone she could get all her belongings together so it's a quick exit.

I'm not certain that he would kick off if he was there when someone turned up to get her, but also I barely know him and have only heard the bad stuff about him.

OP posts:

category12 · 08/04/2020 08:38

I'd go in person if at all possible. It's easy to put you off by message or phone.

DianaT1969 · 08/04/2020 08:53

Ask her when he is working and go then. But don't put her in with your parents if they are elderly or have health conditions.

FlowerArranger · 08/04/2020 10:51

Can you or your parents call 101 and ask to be put through to the Police Domestic Violence Unit? Explain the situation and see what they suggest.

Sittinonthefloor · 08/04/2020 21:15

I hope your sister is ok and you have managed to get her home.

BackseatCookers · 09/04/2020 00:25

How did today go OP? You sound like a lovely sister

emmielia · 09/04/2020 07:12

Thank you @BackseatCookers.

She is home, thank goodness.
I called her and she didn't deny that she wanted to go home. She packed her things up and I collected her at 1pm.

But now I'm concerned that I had her in my car as like I said her boyfriend had been in contact with a lot of other people. At the time I just wanted her home safe, but now I'm worried that I went about it the wrong way.

Luckily our parents are not considered high risk.

OP posts:

category12 · 09/04/2020 07:34

Well done on getting her home. Please get her to do the freedom programme or something like that, so that she can shore up her boundaries and hopefully stay out of his grip.

I think you did the right thing - she's vulnerable but getting her out was really important for her mental health as well. With any luck the time away from him will let her escape him and save her from years of abuse.

Dozer · 09/04/2020 07:53

Well done! Agree with the Freedom Programme suggestion, also there are some sites and services specifically for young people in abusive relationships.

Sittinonthefloor · 09/04/2020 09:02

Well done 💐that’s so good to hear! I’m sure you are worried but I think you did What you had to - you got her out and now she’s safe. I think you’d be even more worried if she was still there! What a fab sister you are!

CodenameVillanelle · 09/04/2020 09:08

Are you high risk? If not, try not to worry about her being in your car. If you are, don't go back in the car for 72 hours

Flip

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