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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Boyfriend doesn't understand.

53 replies

OrangeChock · 07/04/2020 23:41

He does not understand the word no and his attitude gets instantly crappy.

Time and time again I try to explain to him it's a shitty thing to do. I have emotional disorder anyway and struggle with affection etc but am much better with this when I feel understood and respected by someone and like I can trust them.

I've even said clearly to him how he should behave and it never changes.

We've been through a difficult time which has really pushed me back and I've asked for patience and understanding. He seems to understand and then it just happens again. He can't seem to be overly affectionate without the promise and as soon as I say no it's like he doesn't want to be like that with me anymore.

How do I get him to understand or do I need to accept he never will? Life is tough right now on top of it all with a 2 yo and working full time from home.

He just keeps saying how will it work if we can't both get what we want? He goes on like he's sex starved when usually it's multiple times a week, even when I haven't felt it as it's easier than saying no. I've asked him to support me to build up my trust in him and show me i don't need to feel pressure and that would be much more attractive and a turn on that this odd behaviour. He says he doesn't say anything about it but it's all in how he reacts. I feel I'm already trying hard with showing affection and he doesn't appreciate it takes a lot from me sometimes to feel able to do that.

Maybe I'm not making sense. Im just so hurt and upset.

OP posts:

Report

morecoffeerequired · 07/04/2020 23:46

He is a sex pest and this is coercive control, which is now a crime.

FlowerArranger · 08/04/2020 00:22

I've even said clearly to him how he should behave and it never changes.

Of course things don't change.

Because people hardly ever change.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

You can go on telling him how to behave, or you can do the one thing which will ensure that he won't be able to pester you anymore.

To spell it out: LTB

Aerial2020 · 08/04/2020 00:24

Sounds like sexual abuse

Aussiebean · 08/04/2020 06:39

He doesn’t want to get. He has no interest in changing and this is who he is and how your relationship will continue.

What do you want to do about that clear idea about who your boyfriend is ?

category12 · 08/04/2020 07:27

He does understand the word no, he just doesn't give a shit.

There's a word for that.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/04/2020 08:51

I've even said clearly to him how he should behave and it never changes
Why would it?
You accept it.
You 'tell' him not to but he continues and nothing changes.
He has no consequences does he?
So why are you with him?
Really ask yourself that.

You have a DC, girl or boy?
If you have a girl what would your advice be to her in the same situation?
It would be to get out and run far away!
If you have boy, he will look at this and think this is normal.
This is how he will treat women when he is older.
Please save yourself and save your DC.
Do you have any family support around you?
Contact Womens Aid in the first instance and get some advice from them.
Want better for you. Want better for your DC.

Janaih · 08/04/2020 08:55

Anything less than enthusiastic consent could be classed as rape. Ditch him

IndieTara · 08/04/2020 08:58

LTB

Splitsunrise · 08/04/2020 09:00

He doesn’t care. This is who he is. I’m sorry.

Ullupullu · 08/04/2020 09:02

He does understand.

He doesn't do this to anyone else.

Kabakofte · 08/04/2020 09:08

You yourself has said you need to feel that a partner respects you so you can then trust. This person shows no respect whatsoever so respect yourself and get rid. He sounds vile.

AmelieTaylor · 08/04/2020 09:10

Show him the door!

TorkTorkBam · 08/04/2020 09:50

He understands. It isn't complicated. He does not care. He wants what he wants.

It is you who does not understand. This is what he is like. You can live with it or you can choose not to live with it. Demanding or hoping he will change his attitude to sex is not a sensible strategy.

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/04/2020 10:44

You have two choices

Carry on as you are. He isn’t going to change
Leave

nevernotstruggling · 08/04/2020 10:47

I have been through this. I nodded a long yo the bit about asking him to allow you to build trust. He won't do it and this won't get better.

BIWI · 08/04/2020 10:48

Is he the father of your child? (Only asking because it makes it a bit more complicated if he is.)

He knows what you are saying but he thinks his right to sex is more important than you and your needs.

LTB.

Itoldyouiwasill · 08/04/2020 10:52

Out of interest what is emotional disorder?
I think you know that he's showing cohersive behaviour and it's not usually acceptable to most people.
I guess though it's your call. I've got a female friend who lives in a similar relationship. She's decided that it's worth putting up with to keep the house and her husbands pension. I imagine there are lots of women who do similar. She has EUPD so isn't always sure what is abusive behaviour and what isn't

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2020 10:55

He's sexually abusing you. Nothing you've said to him has got through. He doesn't care about you or respect you. Your life will be like this as long as you're with him. Your life will not be like this if you're not with him.

OrangeChock · 08/04/2020 14:59

Sorry it's been a long day already.
No fortunately not his DD.

This is the definition:

Emotional Deprivation Disorder previously called Deprivation Neurosis or the Frustration Neurosis in Dutch but changed to comply with the American Psychiatric Association standards is a mental disorder characterized by difficulty in forming relationships with others, a general feeling of inadequacy, and an oversensitivity to criticism of others. It was modeled by Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe, both whom theorize this disorder is brought about by a lack of unconditional love during a person's life.

My anxiety is so bad I feel sick

OP posts:

NoMoreDickheads · 08/04/2020 16:35

That isn't a psychiatric diagnosis formally. I've no doubt that you experienced what you experienced in your childhood and it had effects on you, but no-one would be happy to be nagged for sex, have sex they don't want etc, whether they'd had those experiences or not. He's already getting it several times a week. No-one wants sex all the time, and that you don't always want it when he wants it isn't because you're abnormal.

It's not ok and would make anyone more at risk of mental health problems, unhappy etc.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/04/2020 16:40

He knows what he is doing. He relies on your uncertainty to keep him in your life. He knows he can rely on it and, so far, he has been proven right.

You can change that. He doesn't get to override your choices

filka · 08/04/2020 16:54

He just keeps saying how will it work if we can't both get what we want?

it can't - you are incompatible, you need to split up. It won't get any better for either of you.

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TorkTorkBam · 08/04/2020 17:25

Being pissed off with his behaviour isn't a sign of mental illness! Anyone would be pissed off. Repeated ignoring of boundaries would make anyone's vag dry up. Having pity sex or appeasement sex is a quick route to your libido going down the toilet.

Selfishness is not an attractive trait.

OrangeChock · 08/04/2020 17:31

@NoMoreDickheads yes I am aware of that. I have no formal diagnosis, it is just what my schema therapist has said. A psychiatric nurse has told me that I have emotional disorder which is like some parts of borderline personality disorder apparently.
I have been trying so hard to access the help I need to sort myself out and feel 'normal' so that I don't put up with this kind of stuff in future.

I get the courage to end it and then I find myself back again a few days later.

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 08/04/2020 17:32

Your anxiety will lessen as soon as you give him his marching orders, and will disappear entirely soon after. He seems to be adding nothing positive to your life.

Focus on the practicalities. Which of you will find it easier to move out?

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