Emotional cheating

[Em245]

MENU
Mumsnet

Talk Chat
Emotional cheating2
Today 13:39Em245

Hiya . Will try to keep it short...
Partner of 11 years (two kids) went to family wedding (caused argument so I didnt go) last year and came back completely different. We had been having our ups and downs. Told me he didnt want "this" anymore and was selling up to move back down south where we are from. No discussion. Anyway was in pieces couldnt believe he could do this to kids but he was so emotionally detached. Weeks down line he completely went back to normal after I said "thats fine but its not as easy as that,you cant just sell home etc". Anyway I then saw he by chance he was sitting there whatsapping his ex of many years ago (mum to his grown up Daughter). I went mad but he fobbed it off as was all very innocent. I asked to see but he cleared the chat! Before,during and after this time he had been volitile,verbally abusive and we walked on eggsshells. He also taunted me many times "yes i did cheat on you,your deserved it" and then would convince me he said it just to upset me! ? On our family holiday was the same telling me "make most of it as im gone when we get back". Anyway after yet another row i wanted the truth and it took ages for him to finally say he had been chatting to this ex and realised it was wrong and stopped it. He told me she had wanted to get back together and s loved him. They chatted about old times. I can only imagine how far this went! He was basically on phone to her most nights (he works nights) when he left for work. He told her how horrible I was to him and she said she couldnt believe he has to put up with that. So many bits of the jigsaw make sense for me. It must have been going on for 14 odd months. Months down line I am trying to hold it all together. Really I want to leave but struggling that the children will not have parents living together. He blames it all on me of course! If I were nice to him! He has called me everything under the sun and made me out to be the bad person. He went off down south for a couple of weekends so it may have gone further although he denies. He says he made mistake but thats all it was. His phone is on a lock. I know what I would be telling someone else i my shoes but I love my kids and dont want to break their home. I just wanted some words of encouragement or if anyone has been in similar situation. His behaviour has been disgusting I know. Basically I believe that he was going to leave us for her. He just thought it would be easier. I cant ever feel the same as feel second best.I know I am worth more. Finding it hard to be with him just for kids and know he doesnt really want me.Thanks for reading.

[Munskin]

EM245 do not blame yourself- your DH is an adult & responsible for his own actions.
Is there any possibility that you can build up strength & courage & ask him to leave or have a frank and honest discussion about what he wants. U are worth more than second best - everyone deserves respect & honestly not little white lies.

Sounds like he has a high opinion of himself? Maybe ive read that wrong.
Even though you are his wife as said initially you are not responsible for his actions & the fact he blames you instead of admitting he is the problem will only ever cause you heartache. I feel your pain but take it day by day but protect your head as kids are smart and will notice something isn’t right 🌈♥️

[Em245]

Thank you Munskin.
Yes he has developed this air of arrogance and cockyness. The fact that he taunted me while on and saying "I already have someone you would be shocked if you knew" he has driven me to almost insanity! An old ex cheated years ago son the signs were there. Would like him to be honest and just tell me it all. Its the not knowing and second guessing. My children arent stupid. They are very protective of me. My 9 year old even said "hes not very nice to you" when i said we might live apart. She seemed fine with it,almost wanting it .

[strawberry2017]

Your home is already broken and it wasn't you who did it.
You need to show your children now that this is not a way for a man to treat his wife.
He needs to go.
He has all the control right now. your kids won't thank you for keeping the family together because life will become more miserable , you won't be the mum they are used to and it's because of him.
They might be reminiscing right now but let's not forget she's an ex too. There were reasons they broke up. Those reasons are still there they have just convinced themselves at the moment everything was lovely.
Tell him to fuck off and never ever take him back.
I'm so sorry OP. X

[NoMoreDickheads]

He's abusive and manipulative OP. You don't deserve it. Please start planning how you can get rid of him/leave. xxx

[Paulac77]

I’m so sorry, I know you are looking for encouragement to stay, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you don’t stay together for the kids. A broken relationship will affect your kids waaaay more than 2 separate happy homes. And you’d be surprised at how resilient kids can be.
I separated from my husband with my 5 year old that thinks the sun shines out his bum! She still thinks that ... but she loves coming home to her mumma

Be strong not just for your kids, but for you. You deserve much, much more x

[Munskin]

U have a great kid - who can see what is going on - set them free from all this.

From experience there is nothing as hurtful as a man who laughs in your face with pure arrogance when they are caught out on a lie & to take it further still continue to blame you for the situation they are in.

Searching for the truth is a normal feeling but you know what (& i keep telling myself this ) you are never going to get it & is it even worth having . This gives him power (well he thinks that) . Let him have that power but not over you or your kids future.
Take care OP 💐

[Fairycake2]

Please leave him. Your DC will be much happier for it. I grew up in a house where my parents stayed together for the kids and it was awful. Its definitely affected me as an adult. I appreciate it's difficult at the moment but get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave ASAP 💐

[hopingforbettertimes]

Sorry to hear this. What a horrible situation. I grew up with unhappily married parents - would not recommend it. It affected me and how I view marriage massively.

[Em245]

Thanks for all your replies! Each and every one of you are right and spot on. Its what I needed to hear. I can say I tried. Tried to keep us all together but ultimately I dont want to spend my life always wondering. And with someone who could lie for a long period. Thank you

[Munskin]

Take Care 💐

[strawberry2017]

Main thing to remember OP is you deserve happiness and although this will take time to move on from eventually you will.
When you are ready go and find whatever makes you happy!

[Em245]

Thank you all. Feeling bit more positive. This whole lockdown is at least giving us all time to reflect!😊

[Em245]

Feel like its a rollercoaster of emotions on lockdown! Was all geared up by your responses on here and feeling ready to move on and yes I dont deserve this and I need to put the kids and myself first. Then it all goes good again but the betrayal rears its ugly head all the time. Why should i put up with that and he clearly cant be trusted. He will day things like "ask so and so next door if they want me to wash their Daughters car"? The neighbours 20 something Daughter. Or "oh they will probably send the Daughter over to pick the parcel up". Things that might seem nothing but it makes my blood boil. Its like a letch (cant spell) or someone who rates himself! Hes made me like this with his lying. When I pull him on it he says "fucking hell your not jealous are you" or " theres definitely a screw loose there". I told him "dont flatter yourself. Jealous? If you ran off with someone id be over the moon". I honestly dont care anymore. Im only here for the kids and trying to hold onto that tiny thread for the them. Then he called me a Fat c**t!! Not sure why posting. Just wanted some wise words from someone I guess. Lots have said dont stay together for the kids and when I was younger my mum left my dad several times as he was physically abusive to her. Each time was such a relief and then we would go back to him and it was a horrible feeling. She left for good eventually. Wise words to give me strength anyone

[SandyY2K]

You've had a lot of wise words...it's down to you to do the right thing for you and your DC.

When you let someone treat you like crap, they will continue to do so, because you let them.

[Em245]

SandyY2K
Thank you. Your right. Simple words but help so much x

[NoMoreDickheads]

He tries to claim you've acted wrong to try and deflect attention from how bad his behaviour is.

Well done for answering him back.

He's being verbally abusive, calling your names.

Start planning your escape.

The kids will be fine (better than with all that's going on- eventually they will notice.) xxxxx

[Em245]

NoMoreDickheads

Thank you. Its amazing how they can make out your reponse is irrational. Its dumb arse things they say. I am in no way jealous. Yes hurt and angry that he could be so deceitful over a period of time all the while being so horrid and vile to me and us. I imagine he was feeling so guilty that it came out this way.

I have the strength to say enough is enough. Like everyone you just have to bide your time till the time is right x

[Munskin]

Yeah I’m recently out of a relationship and as the time has passed I’ve learned he told some people (picked those he thought would never tell me) that I was controlling , jealous and he was scared of me . Yet he hid a drug addiction & treated me like crap by prowling chat rooms (he is a big Mumsnet boy), had late night conversations with women who I didn’t even know existed & others I did know even mutual friends ...... but made me believe his behaviour was normal & I was irrational (He had his coke & whiskey stash in him also alot of those nights ). I didn’t like his sneakiness and he knew it but like you he said I was ‘Jealous’.
Funny when I began to see through the BS ( I was unwell for best part of last yr) and decided enough was enough & I noted some even more strange behaviour our relationship ends just at lockdown and he has a new GF who is staying with him .........
Don’t need to explain how that happened. So if you can don’t waste anymore time on him- it’s sad someone u loved & trusted betrays u. I was more hurt that he was telling lies about me as I didn’t tell anyone the troubles I was having and I wish I had of now - couldn’t give a ST about the new gf. In fact it has shown me that I lost that man along time ago and I knew it.
Take care you are important xxxxx

[Em245]

Munskin
Thanks for replying. So glad you are out of it. Well done.
He always told me "no one likes you,who even wants to be round you,they cant stand you" then when I refused to go to family do's he would tell people I dont like them! The betrayal of chatting to an ex secretly for a long time and telling her how awful I am is so hurtful. More so than if it were a stranger. I feel totally violated. Takes a certain kind of person to do that. Has seemed easier to stay than put up with the aftermath of it. One day at a time!
I have held on because in a way I didnt want his ex to win (if i could be back there I would he said which would make anyones blood boil) but now I know she is welcome to him ! Xx

[Munskin]

Honestly it’s unbelievable but my DH said same things to people . I’ve been told he talked about our personal life to people he told me he didn’t like - he even said I always slagged people off & wasn’t a nice person . You would have thought being a Mumsnet reader/user he would know the Hurt and pain that causes . But that seems to be how some men deal with guilt & There own jealously.
Honestly lockdown is prob best time to get rid of him as the time is slow yes but from experience it feels like a year has passed so I’m ready only after 2 months to start a new life . I don’t have kids and I know that makes things harder but a happy mum makes happy kids .
U are worth it ⭐️⭐️

[Em245]

Munskin
Thanks for listening. I agree. I want to be the best Mum I can so need to be happy!!
Enjoy your new life and freedom xxx

[Munskin]

Yes , same to you also . ⭐️❤️