Buying our first house - now he says I owe him a lot of money

[Tamara9]

Hi mums,

First off I realise all relationships are different and this isn't necessarily wrong or right but talking definitely gives some new perspectives!

My partner and I are unmarried, together 10+ years, no kids yet, but buying our first home together. He has an awful lot of money saved (has always lived with parents) and is putting down ALL of the deposit, I have almost nothing saved (stuck renting since I was 18). We're both on the mortgage as joint owners. However he's saying that I owe him half of the money he's putting down, we're talking like more than £30k each, he's saying he would be annoyed if he didn't get that money back, and then he expects it back in 4/5 years.

Now this isn't completely out of the blue and I did expect that this would be part of our agreement to live together and accepted it. But I expected us to buy somewhere a lot cheaper, he's just quite high maintenance.

However now that it's happening...

It's taken ALOT of the fairytale 'love' away from our relationship on my part, that's always been there previously. I wouldn't be doing this if it was reversed. Him saying he'd be 'annoyed' has put a lot of pressure on for me, especially as I kinda expected within 4/5 years we'd be having kids and if that's the case how am I going to pay him.

And my questions are:

Is this what adult relationships are like or is he just being immature/naive?
Am I wrong for thinking it's a little unreasonable and unrealistic?
And imo if this wasn't the condition for moving in together we wouldn't be... so should that be ringing some alarm bells?

I'm no longer in contact with my mum. So I was hoping the mums of Mumsnet can give me some motherly advice!

Thanks x

[stiffstink]

Don’t do it!

[Lucked]

Would it not be better to get the mortgage drawn up so his deposit is protected by being tenants in common?

Do you plan on marriage?

I think you need to sit down and ask what will happen if you get married or have children. I suspect he is going to let you take the financial hit for that and you should be very careful before ever being a stay at home mum in the future.

[ChilliMayo]

Walk away.
Familiarity has bred contempt here.
Soon you'll find a partner who will be willing to pay YOU £30k for the privilege of being in your life, so deep are his feelings. That is not this man.

[MissMarks]

Not normal. It can be written in to a contract that he put in the deposit which he would get back if house ever sold. Seems odd he would be talking about it in this context

[category12]

For gods sake don't have kids with him. I should pull out of buying together.

The normal thing to do would be for him to have a greater percentage of the property, or for his deposit to be ring-fenced. And if this property is completely out of your budget yet he expects you to pay half, then he's setting you up to fail and you should not do it.

[BettaSplenden]

Sounds rubbish. If he's doing a 60k deposit (or whatever) he can do a deed of trust to protect that money should you guys split and sell the house. I'd think long and hard about this relationship as putting this in you at the last minute is poor.

[Winnietheshit]

You can sort this out via your solicitor so his assets are protected but what you can’t sort out is a shitty attitude to joint money.

[HeddaGarbled]

You can’t afford it. You must know and he must know that you won’t be able to pay him back. Stop this purchase right now. You either buy within your budget or you don’t buy with him.

[NellGwynsPenguin]

Before he’s in the door with you he’s out of the relationship already.

Imo there’s no future with this mean man.
Get out now.

He may not do better, but you can.

[ArthurandJessie]

Yeah I would be noping out of that situation sounds dodgey to me

[AlwaysAllegra]

This is wrong and can be put right quite easily through a solicitor. My sister did this on her house, her OH put all deposit but they pay half of mortgage.

1. solicitor included that if they split up, house deposit would be reimbursed to OH once sold then whatever was left would be divided 50/50. She owns 50% share of the house, as does OH - however, as he put down deposit it is only right he should get this back before should they split and sell.
   You should have appointed a solicitor who should have gone through this with you?

[category12]

Why are you just going along with his choice of too expensive property as if you have no say in things?

If he's going to expect you to contribute 50/50 to something way out of your budget, you're going to be completely stuffed. Run away!!

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

How far are you into buying? Is this pull-out-able? You need to agree on all this before you buy. So he is expecting you to buy a more expensive property than you wanted to? You say you'll have children in the future. So what will happen with finances then? Will you marry? Will finances be joint? Will one of you be taking parental leave? Is he expecting that to be you? Adult relationships are about agreements - yes maybe compromise - but both parties need to be on the same page.

I've never bought with another before but I believe it is possible to register the difference of equity you each hold in the property if you decide to -is it usual for the other to expect their half back in a couple of years?? It sounds outrageous!! Have you discussed all this with a solicitor.

Basically all things things need to be resolved before you buy.

[AlwaysAllegra]

I type slower, cross post - what @MissMarks and @category12 said 👆👆

[RUSU92]

As others have said, and you have already felt, he’s not treating you like a partner. There’s nothing inherently wrong with protecting your assets in a relationship, so him ringfencing that money would be fair and understandable, but if you’re in very different financial situations going forward, you do need to understand what that looks like. And he needs to be 100% clear what he’s expecting from you and vice versa as your relationship progresses.

Buying a house, getting married and having children aren’t actually fairytale moves anyway - they’re all legally binding and contractual obligations. It DOES totally take the romance out of them when you understand exactly why and how you need to be prepared for the changes that life throws at you. But you need to make sure that you’re both on the same page about sharing money, marriage, children etc. Too many of us get swept along by romance, only to find we’ve shafted ourselves along the way!

[MMmomDD]

Are there any plans to marry?
Do not, under any circumstances - have kids with him unless you get married.
He seems to not think of this as a true partnership - and is only protecting his financials. If you have kids and sacrifice your earning power - and women always end up having to - you will lose and will still be protected.
For now - I’d wait ok buying anyway - prices are only going down with this pandemic.
And when you do buy - just write it into the mortgage that he contributed the deposit.

But more importantly - I’d think long as hard about the future of this relationship.

[AlunWynsKnee]

That's not right. And I say that as someone who put the lion's share of the equity into our first house together. We were married so it was less risky.

[Holothane]

Why are you even consider buying with this man, he looks likes he’s just looking out for himself.

[endoflevelbaddy]

Run for the hills. Even if you reach an agreement to protect his deposit you will spend you're entire future skint and struggling. Paying 50% of everything while he makes sure his savings are protected and growing. And I've no doubt, if it comes to having kids, you'll be the one paying to feed, clothe & cover childcare for them like I've seen so many financially abused women struggling with on here.

For context, I was (and still am) on the other side when DH and I were setting up home and I would never dream of having him 'repay' me. Everything we have is ours, regardless of who earned it.

[Patsypie]

Seriously, don't do it. He's fucked it up and you'll NEVER get past this.

[Devlesko]

Walk away, if he loved you he wouldn't be bothered about the money.
He's had far greater opportunities than you, he should be pleased to pay the deposit.
Run for the hills, seriously, he's a twat.

[Tamara9]

Thanks for the swift replies everyone.

1. There's still time to pull out. But too late to sign any new agreements I feel as we're waiting for the feedback from the conveyancer?
2. He's really investment-driven and wants to continue property development with his brother. So this money was saved for that. However he said that at this moment he's ready to move forward with me and wants to start a life.
3. Marriage and kids have been discussed and he won't have kids until he is married.
4. His dad lost both houses and large portions of his wealth in both his marriages and he does play a huge influence in this... is brother is also very stereotypically sexist.
5. He actually earns less than me and has lower earning potential so we discuss him being the stay-at-home parent if that was an option.

I realise he's probably come across quite badly in this. So I want to confirm he is very loving and excited for our future together And regularly shares that with me. However his first love is money and I really don't want to take his money... I just don't wanna be giving up all my disposable income to pay back a debt that to me won't mean anything in 40 years.

Let me know if this changes anything?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If you are looking at this as a long term relationship then why does it matter who puts what down.

If you are going to be having children together are you meant to bill each other for childcare/sex/house cleaning/cooking etc

Ultimately unless he ring fences the deposit on buying the house, you own the house jointly and no one cares who put what down. You technically own half the house and half the equity

I think you might be looking at this as a ltr where as he is looking at it as a way to buy the house he wants and get paid to live there.

There are a few ways you can go forward.

Either continue with the house purchase and accept you are going to have a pretty horrendous time until this money is paid back to him or you eventually split at some point and take half of the equity.

Or put a stop to this house purchase because you can’t afford the place.
If he is expecting you to pay for something that you cant afford then he is going to have to reduce his expectations to something you can afford

Or call it a day and congratulate yourself on the near miss you had.

Going forward how are things going to be worked out.

If you go on holiday and you can only afford a long weekend in Margate and he wants a fortnight all inclusive in Mauritius are you expected to pay him back. Is he going to hand you bills each month for the repayment of the deposit, holidays, meals out at expensive restaurants he has paid for and you need to pay him back.

Personally I would put any future plans on hold until you can work put what financial expectations you both have going forward

There seems to be a big difference between what your future plans together are and how he looks at this relationship

[springydaff]

His first love is money?

You'll never compete. He already has his lover, and a miserable life it will make for you.

[frazzledasarock]

So he’s going to be the stay at home parent.

You’re going to be paying him £30k for living in the house with you.

Here’s my prediction, you’ll be paying for everything, he’ll be sitting in his money.

He’ll be stay at home dad except you’ll be doing all childcare and housework.

When you eventually wake up and divorce him he’ll go for the larger equity and a share of your pension as he’s given up his career to be SAHP.

Don’t buy the house with him. Don’t have kids with him.
Try and find someone who’ll treat you with the love and respect you treat them with.