i need some advice please

[conveco]

Hi

This is going to be a bit of a long one and i am sorry but i need to get this all off my chest and hopefully gain some good advice from you.
I had my first child last year i returned back to work after 3 months of having her.
another employee began paying me attention and to be honest just having a baby it made me feel really good as my husband didnt really pay me alot of attention. this is where u are all going to think bad of me. i began spending lots more time with this man i did begin to really like him. 6 months past and i guess i saw him 1 or 2 times a week and he wanted me to commit to him which i couldnt. since having my baby girl i went off sex with my husband my sex drive disappeared but then i regained it with this man.just recently i stopped seeing this man as i do not feel it was right. i had been going through a bad patch and he had been there to listen to me not my husband. i still cant bring myself to have sex with my husband and i do not know why i do love him dearly and i feel i have let him and my daughter down by my actions. i have fet very low since having my baby and i guess the attention from someone else blew me away. i do miss the company of this other man but i really want to patch things back up with my husband how they used to be. my husband does not know about this other man. how can i get my sex drive back, how can i stop myself feling so low all the time. i feel i have let everyine down and am very ashamed of myself. any help and advice would be very grateful

[TolpuddlapinMartyr]

Hi conveco

So - did you actually have an affair with this man? I mean, a physical relationship, it's obvious there was a mental connection there. You say you regained your sex drive, was that just you felt sexy or you actually had sex? Sorry, I am just trying to sort out the situation...

I don't really know how to help, but hopefully someone more knowledgeable and helpful will be along soon. It's a bit of a weird day here, so don't be afraid to bump your own thread if you don't get many replies.

Good luck, I hope you can sort it out

[conveco]

yes i had an affair and i feel bad i really could do with some support. im new here so dont know howmums net really works. thank you for replying

[mumblechum]

How about suggesting to your dh that you go to Relate, but don't mention this other man? I know that may seem dishonest, but I think it would be necessary to help patch things up with him.

I don't think you would have registered your colleague on your radar if your relationship with your dh had been right.

Are you working full time? Is it possible to try to make time for you and your dh to spend some special time, one to one together, linked in with some Relate sessions.

[TolpuddlapinMartyr]

Sorry, I didn't mean to be "Oh my god you had an affair ", I just wanted to clarify in case we got the wrong end of the stick.

I agree that Relate may help. You could address the issues of your DH not paying you much attention, and let him know how you feel, for a start. A lot of us feel weird about our bodies after pregnancy, and you do need some reassurance that you are still attractive.

The main thing is that you WANT to fix this. That's a start.

[LilyLoo]

Well done firstly convco on ending things wioth this other man. I have been on way too many affair threads to see the hurt they cause.
You firstly need to mentally move on from this other man. Does he still work with you ? If so i would look for a new job. You need to absolve all contact with him.
Secondly you need to sit down with your dh and talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Don't mention the affair but talk about how you feel you aren't supportring each other etc. Then together you need to work out a way to move forward. Bear in mind this is a two way process and at the minute your dh really has no idea your realtionship is in crisis.
You then need to get some you time together, going out , maybe having a weekend away. etc.

[conveco]

thank you so much TolpuddlapinMartyr, mummblecum and lilylou.

i do feel so bad wih myself. no this other man has moved and lives about half hour away from me now. i cant explain why i even started an affair with him as i do love my husband i have been with him for 8 years. i do miss this other man i guess it was just his company how do you move on it may sound really silly? do you think my sex drive will come back with my husband? yes i work fulltime and we dont get alot of time to spend with each other as he at home with baby when i am at work and he is when i am. thank you all for not looking down on me.

[conveco]

do you all feel relate will help me? how do i go about it? i feel really embrassed i never new i could feel so low and low about myself i do feel i have let my hubsband and baby down.

[whiskeyandbeer]

can't believe so many people are advocating not telling your husband and one actually "congratulating" you on ending the affair. yes get counselling, yes try to patch things up but also take responsibility for your actions and tell your husband what you have done as he is entitled to know.

[LilyLoo]

whiskeyandbeer what will it achieve for her to tell her husband. The fact is this affair is over and she wants to make things right with her husband. She knows she has a lot of work to do and she needs to talk to her dh about how things have come to this, i am not for one second condoning the affair or what she has done however telling her dh is up to her.
Yes i think you can get it back but if you spend no time together then i don't see how you can. Do you have someone whom could babysit for you ?

[whiskeyandbeer]

"whiskeyandbeer what will it achieve for her to tell her husband"

because he has a right to know if his partner is being unfaithful.
it might not do her any good but it might do him a lot of good.she was having a full on affair in the first year after their first child together, surely he has a right to know and decide wether or not this is the kind of person he wants to have a relationship with. he might be able to forgive her and stay to work things out he might not, but one thing is for sure if he finds out years later he will feel the whole "family life" they have is a sham.

[LilyLoo]

Liekwise he may never find out. She is remorseful and wants to work things out.
This could split up a family and hurt everyone.
I suppose there is no right or wrong answer. If he finds out they have a massive uphill battle ahead. I suppose it depends on the realtionship they have. She says she loves him very much and wants to get back what they had. If they had to overcome the affair that would be much harder for both of them. I agree it's not about her but does he really need to be hurt in this and also her baby.
Either way i agreee their are massive implications and i suppose only she knows which is the right way to proceed.

[LilyLoo]

Just another thought conveco you say you have felt low since you had your baby, have you spoken to anyone about this ? I was just wondering whether it could point towards pnd ?

[whiskeyandbeer]

"I agree it's not about her but does he really need to be hurt in this and also her baby."

she already made that decision to hurt her husband and child when she decided to cheat on her husband and have an affair, not telling him will not make it right or go away. it will just mean further lies and more devaluing of their relationship..
would you be as sympathetic if you found out a husband had slept around behind his wifes back months after she had given birth because she wasn't pating him enough attention?
or if someone in a marraige (male or female) posted saying they found out years later their partner had cheated on them just after their child was born and had kept it from them.would anyone seriously give the advice "well they probably only kept it from you to save your relationship"
honestly i just think that is the weakest excuse, if they wanted to save the relationship they wouldn't cheat in the first place and if they did and felt remorseful they would have the decency and respect for their partners to own up and hope for forgiveness . the only reason people keep affairs a secret is out of selfishness. people who cheat know that when it comes out they have done wrong and that there will be no one else to blame if the relationship falls apart as they have done wrong.so they decide not to tell as they don't want to accept responsibility for their own actions for selfish reasons.

[wannaBe]

Firstly, if the affair is over and you want to work things out with your husband then telling him about it will achieve nothing other than to hurt him and possibly end your relationship. ?he has a right to know? why? The op made a stupid mistake, she allowed herself to get involved with someone she shouldn?t have but this is not the path she wishes to follow and now she wants to work out her marriage. If he finds out then it?s a different matter, and they will have to overcome that at the time, but chances are he might never find out and what he doesn?t know can?t hurt him.

You need to sit down with your dh and have a serious talk about where you?re at and where you?re going. It?s always difficult when people live past each other, I have several friends who do this in order to accommodate childcare and the impact on their relationships has been huge.

It?s important to remember that you?re a couple as well as being your baby?s parents, and is vital that you make time for yourselves.

Can you get a babysitter so you can go out for the evening? Ifnot can you get in a takeaway/cook a nice meal/get a dvd and just sit together on the couch and talk about nothing? Or is there anything you used to do before you had your baby that you could do again to help bring the spark back into your relationship?

Imo the first two years after having a baby are the hardest. Your life is turned upside down in a way you could never have imagined, and it?s so easy to fall into the trap of doing everything for the baby and almost forgetting to communicate with each other. If you?re working alternate hours to accommodate your childcare needs then this is doubly the case because you never see each other as a couple.

I would definitely talk to him, he may not even realize there is an issue and may be shocked to find out how unhappy you are. Once you?ve talked you can decide where to go from there.

Good luck x

[LilyLoo]

whiskeyandbeer i would rather be able to post without you re posting parts of my post and interrogating it.
As i have said i do not agree with what she has done and my place isn't to absolve her of responsibility.
I have been on hte recieving end of an affair and i personally know the difficulty of overcoming it.
The op is remorseful; and has asked for ways to overcome what she has done. She has said she feels really bad but has come on asking for support. What is the point of keeping on reiterating what she has done and m,aking her feel worse than she already obviously does. She hasn't asked whether she should tell him or not so i presume she has decided that the bset course of action for her and her family is not to.
Life isn't black and white and every relationship is different.

[CitizenColditz]

Jesus, whiskyandbeer, don't you remember what it felt like 3 months after having your first child? I could barely string a sentence and felt like I had turned into someone else! Yes, she had an affair, yes it was wrong and she knows that, but to tell her husband would be pointless at this stage. All it would do is hurt him.

[whiskeyandbeer]

sorry didn't mean it as an interrigation, sometimes i find it hard to keep track of posts and who is responding to who due to the format on mkumsnet.was just trying to make it clear to what points/questions i was respnding.

[whiskeyandbeer]

so "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" is now a reasonable way to conduct a relationship? i'm not trying to attack the op, i'm giving my opinion that if she doesn't tell him it will only make things worse and that if she does decide to keep it from him it is not for the benevolent and altruistic reasons that she doesn't want to hurt him, it is because she does not want to lose her family for the wrong things she has done.

[Wisteria]

Whiskey and beer is male I think so probably doesn't remember 1st child!!

[LilyLoo]

Conveco have you no other options r/e your childcare arrangementsas i think realtionship wise you are going to find it very hard to get things back on track.Even if you do regain your sex drive how will you ever find time tigether to know ?

[whiskeyandbeer]

sorry didn't realise this thread was actually about advice on how to get away with having an affair and cheating on your husband. i'll bow out now as any advice or opinions which don't agree with "don't tell him,why should you?" isn't welcome.
personally i would want to know if i was the husband as i wouldn't want to be with someone who would have an affair and i think that this womans priority of not hurting him (a bit rich at this stage) and wanting to keep her family in tact have slipped somewhat down the pecking order behind her husbands right to have a faithful wife.
put simply the op wants to have her cake and eat it.

[wannaBe]

how do you know that? people make mistakes, yess affairs are wrong but people do have them and sometimes those people deeply regret their actions. Not everyone that has an affair is a lying cheating bastard just out to get their thrill while their partner sits at home oblivious. Yes if the partner finds out then the person having the affair should be brought to account and if the partner finds out and wants to end the relationship as a result then the one having the affair has been largely to blame. However saying the op should tell her dh is like saying "you had the affair and you regretted it, but it's too late now, you don't deserve your husband because you were selfish so you should tell him and thus end your marriage anyway even though you regret your actions and still love your husband and want to make it work". it really isn't that black and white.

[Wisteria]

Conveco - what you feel/ felt isn't actually that unusual, many women feel this way after babies, not all of them have affairs but that could well be because the opportunity doesn't arise.

Having a baby is a weird time for all IME. You did what you did, it can't be changed but you can move forwards.

What was your relationship like before baby? If it was good, it can be good again and you may have a touch of PND. The sex drive often disappears - I lost mine down the back of the sofa years ago and it only reappears when i drink alot and on other sporadic occasions through the year.

It is a good idea to try to spend one night a week/ fortnight with your dh, cook a lovely meal - get rid of baby for a few hours (if poss), if not try to arrange a meal round a quiet/ nap time, get some really nice wine/ champagne, pamper yourself and seduce him. You will enjoy it when you get going . I think the body sometimes needs reminding..... he also needs reminding that you are a woman and need attention.

As for telling him, well I agree with W&B but also the other posters too, it's a difficult one to be sure. I think that ball is in your court and only you know dh well enough to know how he would react, don't make any hasty decisions though. Once something like that is out in the open, there's no going back.

If there is no way he will ever find out and you are serious about saving the relationship and do genuinely love him then it may not achieve anything by telling him. I would ask yourself to put yourself in his place though and consider how you would feel.

Either way, whatever you decide to do, you are not alone and you're certainly not the first to make a daft postnatal mistake honey.