The Narcissist in lockdown

[fannycraddock72]

Not sure my ex has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder but they tick many of the boxes. I've been getting more text messages/phone calls than i normally would, not necessarily nasty, but annoying..such as "Remember to make the kids exercise everyday whilst they are with you etc" I ignore them mostly or reply with basic answers. I know to take the kids out for a walk, get them in the garden doing activities and the texts are a way to provoke a reaction.

The recent deluge of texts and calls got me thinking, it's hard enough for emotionally healthy people to deal with the isolation and lack of human contact, then a small smile came onto my face thinking about all those Narcs that crave attention and supply and the lack of it they are probably getting right now.

I also know that many of them are probably ignoring the requests to minimise travel etc..it's not in their nature to comply, they're far too important to comply. My ex has openly and almost proudly admitted to having many of the symptoms of the virus, yet still travels to see their DP 60 miles away, then comes back home after a few days to have the kids, and despite having very frail elderly parents with some pretty serious health conditions.

Also spare a thought for those OW/OM that are now isolating with the Narc oh boy what fun they must be having.

[OldLace]

The Narc (diagnosed) I know in lockdown has become very needy.
He is not really complying (because The Rules dont apply to him o/c)
He texted me 17 times this am between 5.15 and 5.25.
Because? ('I was lonely') - he feels entitled to.
And I am a diversion from looking at his own stuff, whilst he cant run around London as much as he usually does.
I think the change in routine and isolation isn't doing much for anyone's mental stability right now, and if you have difficulties anyway it may well enhance those?

[expat101]

I'm sure our neighbour is one. His wife and I talk on messenger from time to time and just a few weeks back I left her a brief message to let her know of something happening the following day at ours, so she wouldn't be concerned.

Just after 10.30pm my mobile pings and there is a long rant, not in her manner of speaking, to the point of being rude and abusive. I replied to the initial message until I was sure it wasn't her and after I called the ''poster'' out by name it certainly was the Husband who was going through Wife's messenger account after she had gone for a shower... she ended up replying about 11 pm to that effect. I don't think she had any idea he was doing this.

[Taddda]

@expat101 that's quite scary...did you tell her??

[expat101]

She replied about 11pm Tadda that is what happened. He must have been highly irritated when she got out of the shower and it probably didn't make sense. We have had a couple of instances with them recently where she has been left out of the loop as to arrangements and when a conversation has been repeated with him, but in front of her, you can see he hasn't quite told her the full story.

He is supposed to be ''the man of the house'' and their arrangement is he takes care of all the outside stuff (place is a pigsty) and finances. She is supposed to be in the inside person. I have never been invited inside, the outside is bad enough and even our postie won't go in with parcels.

She is lovely but has problems which I think are compounded by the person she married. Hopefully she will up and leave, apparently that is what he told my Hubby a few weeks back if xyz didn't happen for them.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

Long monologues on what I should be doing whilst ignoring the rules himself.

[NoMoreDickheads]

Yes I think most narcs wouldn't enjoy lockdown. They'll probably be flirting more online instead, asking women for pics etc. Or being argumentative for attention too, I suppose.

[expat101]

''ours'' walks his boundaries (has been caught previously on ours) to see what is happening in adjoining properties. Has a plastic chair at each end of their main outdoor area (only one for him, none for her) where he will sit, drink and smoke by himself. If she comes outside, she stands, he doesn't go and get the other plastic chair for her to sit next to him...

Another thing he does is drive up the road very slowly looking at the properties between us and them. He only waves if we wave first, so don't bother now. If we are working behind a hedge, she will then drive up and down the road to have a look after he has gone past.

Last year he stopped me on the road (I was heading to our property further along but rarely do it at that time of day) to ask what I was doing down there...

Its a control thing that I think has got out of hand...

[Gutterton]

fanny why can’t you block his number when you have the kids and unblock when he has them. Tell him you are doing this. No need to take this shite.

[Taddda]

@expat101 Do you ever get to talk to her 1 on 1, without him near by?

[Windyatthebeach]

Text back:
The person you are messaging has zero fucks to give...
Repeatedly...

[GreenTeaMug]

windy no don;t text back. In my admittedly limited experience, nothing drives a narc demented more than being ignored. It takes away their power.

[praise the Lord my narc was a 'friend' and not a partner / former partner / parent / sibling]

[honeylulu]

The narc ex husband of my friend is texting or emailing her daily with instructions/ complaints about making sure the kids do their school work in his prescribed way, exercise of his choice etc. She works full time (from home atm). He is furloughed on full pay. However he won't have the kids any more than his set days because "why should I help you out?", won't do school work with then when he has them, won't help with the home ed via zoom or face time because he's "too busy, has things to do, feels depressed at being furloughed etc." When he has them he brings them back early because he can't do his usual thing of fobbing them off with the trampoline park while he plays on his phone.

Yet all over Facebook and Instagram here is posting endless statuses about how much he misses these kids and longs for quality time with them. (Cue tiny violins.)

She predicted he would do exactly this and isn't surprised, just ignores his rants and thanks herself for divorcing him.

[Taddda]

It's sometimes difficult to tell the difference between a narcissist and an arsehole- I've had experience with dealing with both throughout my life and now always follow the rule of 'give them nothing'.

'Avoid loud and aggressive persons as they are vexatious to the spirit' and 'Remember what peace there may be in silence' - two lines I repeated to myself that saw me finally binning them off and not allowing anyone that power over me or my life again.

Silence really is golden when it comes to dealing with these people....

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

Today my ex thought I needed to be told how he thought I should be cooking my chicken. He's not even going to be eating it. I am in charge of cooking at my house. I have no idea why he thought I needed to be told anyway. I've been cooking chicken for years and never needed or asked for his advice.

[Perfectstorm12]

'It's sometimes difficult to tell the difference between a narcissist and an arsehole'...I love this statement, and those Desiderata quotes. I think I've spent too much of my life confused between the difference between those two things and I wonder if at the end of the day it just doesn't matter. Just cut that shit out of your life. That's going to be my new mantra.

[Wanderlust21]

I've been smiling to myself with that same thought lately too (that all those narcissists out there must be really struggling right now, trying to get supply).

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

'It's sometimes difficult to tell the difference between a narcissist and an arsehole'...

I think the difference is that an arsehole is generally an arsehole to everyone whereas a narcissist choses his victim carefully.

[Thelnebriati]

Really useful thread. When you are stuck dealing with them, its so easy to forget they are the needy one.
Thankfully I'm not stuck in the house with him but if he walks past my house once more I might have overreacted.

[Taddda]

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 I think you're slightly confusing an abuser with a narcissist - to the latter there's no 'careful pickings', everyone is fair game, it's their world-

In my case the narcissist was a female family member- I saw her destroy, control, manipulate, all for personal gain- to who and how many was totally irrelevant.

[expat101]

Tadda - not a chance. I was being very careful with messenger too as I suspected he was/has NPD. I have asked her out on several occasions, initially, she says yes, then later that night, will decline or ''get back to me later'' which doesn't happen.

If on the rare occasion (in the past) they have been outside together and he wants to know something, they will come to the boundary together and once he has his answer, he calls her away with him.

More recently, with a neighbour's adult son (and who NPD is trying to get to know) I was discussing cats, NPD turned up and as I walked away, asked adult son ''what did she say...

[Buggedandconfused]

Narcs see everything and everyone as an opportunity to feed themselves. I’m sure my ex narc is finding ways to take advantage of the lockdown. He’ll certainly be using the no work card to find more women online dating to rinse despite having thousands in the bank as soon as lockdown is over. He’ll be rubbing his hands together at the prospect of not having to wine and dine new supply (but he’ll be telling them he wish he could). He’ll be getting lots of online video sex from the swingers site he frequents. He’ll have cut or stopped maintenance for his kids.
All in all he’ll be better off, that’s how they roll.
Inside he’ll still be a never to be fully formed soul however and doubt he’ll ever succeed in having a healthy, mutually caring partnership.

[Taddda]

@expat101 You said he mentioned to your DH about the possibility of him leaving her if certain things didn't change/happen?

It's such a shame there's no way of talking to her alone or safely without him there (I didn't think there would be in all honesty)- sometimes the only way to escape this fully is to get them to leave you, I'd be telling her about the conversation in the hope that she'd get him to leave by not changing one thing- poor woman.

I think of narcissists as vampires- they need to suck the life out of everyone around them to survive.

[expat101]

totally agree Tadda!

buggeredandconfused that's interesting you mention online dating. This is how our neighbour (NPD) met his wife. They conversed for around 6 months before she moved up from her home base and networks, about 1500 klms.

[expat101]

buggeredandconfused "...and doubt he’ll ever succeed in having a healthy, mutually caring partnership." This has been a hurdle for me when weighing up whether to interfere or not. Just because I see it as an unacceptable treatment of a woman, doesn't mean to say she wants her life thrown in turmoil because of my meddling.

What if she is quite happy in her bubble with him and that's the terms she agreed to? If, and only if, I was able to get her on her own for a chat one day, it doesn't mean to say she would appreciate my concern. And it will go straight back to him. If we were not neighbours I would care less...

[Taddda]

@expat101 your in an impossible situation unfortunately- your totally right when you say you don't know how compliant she is (or he has made her)- your also neighbours- it must be really difficult to watch- it's also (I'm guessing) totally psychological- its still abuse, but on such a manipulative level.

Theres also no telling that any conversation you have with her doesn't go straight back to him, that's not her fault, that's the control these people have.

The only suggestion I'd make is to try and get her to open up to you with seemingly harmless questions, it takes some stealth, but leading questions can sometimes be a bit of an eye opener to getting away from this. Plus she'd be less inclined to repeat what she has said and you'd be gaining her trust in you.