Hi
Not sure what to do right now. Got a lot of issues and might read like war and peace.
So daughter was born by c-section (now 16 months). Hubby barely came into hospital after the birth, only with his parents. Soo struggled in hospital with picking up baby while alone while listening to all the other dads helping.
First night home and little one screaming and my boobs, wound and swollen ankles were agony. He’s shouting at me from bed to shut her up. Really nasty comments over and over. Crying we went to the sofa downstairs. Next morning he was sarcastic saying look at you family of 2 as if he wasn’t included. My parents came over and he was like a doting dad. Baby and me still struggling her unable to feed (turned out to be a tongue tie) and me in agony.
Because of the tongue tie I combination fed expressed and formula. Multiple times I had to walk and push pram to the shops days / weeks after surgery to ensure I had milk, medicines and other things I needed for daughter. My feet and ankles so swollen it hurt to put them on the floor. I have always kept my daughter quiet so we don’t get a repeat of her first night at home. This has ended up in co-sleeping and responding to everything very quickly. Hubby’s other two kids have come to live with us so I’ve tried to ensure she doesn’t wake them also.
This has led to a very strong bond between my daughter and I, so much so she ends up in the shower with me as she cries if I’m not about for more than a few seconds. So much so Hubby says I’m obsessed with her.
I got made redundant while on maternity leave. I carried on paying half mortgage and bills till my money ran out. Because the other kids are here now we decided I should stay at home. I asked about money and Hubby said.... he earns it 😢. After arguing he said if I need anything I can have it but I dared not ask for anything. Luckily I get the family allowance and buy my daughters clothes etc from that. I sometimes take 10-20 from the joint account to pay for baby clubs but I get questioned about it.
I do all the housework which has increased loads as his other 2 kids are total slobs. They actively make more mess knowing I have to clean it up. I do all the cooking and no one will help with daughter when cooking evening meals so she’s is usually screaming and I’m trying to look after her and cook. The older kids ignore my pleas to play with their sister while I sort dinner for everyone. I’ve tried for years with the kids but their mum has made them hate me.
I’ve asked husband to help with house etc and he says he now brings in all the money so he’s not doing any house work.
I’ve never to had any help at night with my daughter who still doesn’t sleep through. If I nap when she does and husband knows or at weekends etc. He makes nasty comments about me sleeping all the time and I’m lazy.
If I’m ill I get no sympathy. I had a bad chest infection for 2 weeks and was dead on my feet yet I got no help with cooking or housework. But it was still expected. Luckily I got online food shops but if I spend too much on food I get moaned at and apparently the food bill shouldn’t have gone up much when his other kids moved in
If I try to discuss any of this it gets twisted. Apparently the issues I have with his kids are my fault he sees no problems them treating me like poo. And have I ever thought how he feels, I’m selfish and like the boys mum ( narcissist whose just horrible).
Lock down has lead to more arguments. I tried to leave with my daughter yesterday to my parents caravan by the sea but the site is locked up. I can’t go to my parents because my mum is vulnerable. I’m living on the sofa bed in my daughters room, still cooking and cleaning for everyone but we’re not talking.
Am I being unreasonable as he says. Am I selfish? Is it me like he says?
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Relationships
Is this abuse?
Stimpy168 · 02/04/2020 08:47
Why are you with him.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Get your things together and contact the police to get you to a refuge.
He is a horrible man.
You are a skivvy, that's all.
You know this OP.
His an abuser, who doesn't care about you or your child.
Wishing you well.
I don’t think the insinuation was you are abusing your DD but that your husband has unreasonable expectations of how she should behave already, the abuse is from him.
As Katniss said, imagine your DD in your position in 20 or so years time going through exactly what you are going through, what would you tell her? Use that fire of protection for both of you. He’s an arsehole of the highest order.
My DH is sole earner after I had my twins, he pulled that card once, only once because I made it very clear that I was the one sacrificing my career to raise our babies, that if I left (not that I would leave my DC) what would he do to be sole earner and single parent? Thankfully my DH is not an aggressive man, he has a loud voice when he shouts, but that day I managed to shout louder - I knew I wasn’t in danger because he’s not a violent person so I wouldn’t recommend you do as I did if you fear his reaction. But, to put it simply, he is relying on your Fear, Obligation and Guilt, to keep you in check.
Such as: stating it would be your fault if his older DC had to be returned to their Mother. No, it is on him to make sure he protects them, not on you. If he is so poor a parent that he can’t raise them without you there to be a skivvy, then that’s his failing and his alone. But he tries to put the onus on you to guilt you into accepting the position he has decided you fit, with no consideration it sounds for you.
He’s financially abusive. It’s clear from the fact that he holds his position of ‘sole earner’ above your head as though it exonerates him from any responsibility as a parent to his older DC or your DD.
He’s already painting you to be like the so called ‘vile’ ex. Be careful with that one, I’m not saying her behaviour is right or wrong as obviously I don’t know her. But what did he do in that relationship to cause such bad blood and animosity? I’m not saying she’s perfect but men like your DH don’t just become like this overnight - it’s something they hide very well until they know they’ve got you in a position to start exerting their control.
Please call womensaid or any local women’s welfare centres you have when it is safe to do so. Take care OP
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