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Is this abuse?

(176 Posts)
Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 08:47:01

Not sure what to do right now. Got a lot of issues and might read like war and peace.
So daughter was born by c-section (now 16 months). Hubby barely came into hospital after the birth, only with his parents. Soo struggled in hospital with picking up baby while alone while listening to all the other dads helping.

First night home and little one screaming and my boobs, wound and swollen ankles were agony. He’s shouting at me from bed to shut her up. Really nasty comments over and over. Crying we went to the sofa downstairs. Next morning he was sarcastic saying look at you family of 2 as if he wasn’t included. My parents came over and he was like a doting dad. Baby and me still struggling her unable to feed (turned out to be a tongue tie) and me in agony.

Because of the tongue tie I combination fed expressed and formula. Multiple times I had to walk and push pram to the shops days / weeks after surgery to ensure I had milk, medicines and other things I needed for daughter. My feet and ankles so swollen it hurt to put them on the floor. I have always kept my daughter quiet so we don’t get a repeat of her first night at home. This has ended up in co-sleeping and responding to everything very quickly. Hubby’s other two kids have come to live with us so I’ve tried to ensure she doesn’t wake them also.
This has led to a very strong bond between my daughter and I, so much so she ends up in the shower with me as she cries if I’m not about for more than a few seconds. So much so Hubby says I’m obsessed with her.

I got made redundant while on maternity leave. I carried on paying half mortgage and bills till my money ran out. Because the other kids are here now we decided I should stay at home. I asked about money and Hubby said.... he earns it 😢. After arguing he said if I need anything I can have it but I dared not ask for anything. Luckily I get the family allowance and buy my daughters clothes etc from that. I sometimes take 10-20 from the joint account to pay for baby clubs but I get questioned about it.

I do all the housework which has increased loads as his other 2 kids are total slobs. They actively make more mess knowing I have to clean it up. I do all the cooking and no one will help with daughter when cooking evening meals so she’s is usually screaming and I’m trying to look after her and cook. The older kids ignore my pleas to play with their sister while I sort dinner for everyone. I’ve tried for years with the kids but their mum has made them hate me.

I’ve asked husband to help with house etc and he says he now brings in all the money so he’s not doing any house work.

I’ve never to had any help at night with my daughter who still doesn’t sleep through. If I nap when she does and husband knows or at weekends etc. He makes nasty comments about me sleeping all the time and I’m lazy.

If I’m ill I get no sympathy. I had a bad chest infection for 2 weeks and was dead on my feet yet I got no help with cooking or housework. But it was still expected. Luckily I got online food shops but if I spend too much on food I get moaned at and apparently the food bill shouldn’t have gone up much when his other kids moved in

If I try to discuss any of this it gets twisted. Apparently the issues I have with his kids are my fault he sees no problems them treating me like poo. And have I ever thought how he feels, I’m selfish and like the boys mum ( narcissist whose just horrible).

Lock down has lead to more arguments. I tried to leave with my daughter yesterday to my parents caravan by the sea but the site is locked up. I can’t go to my parents because my mum is vulnerable. I’m living on the sofa bed in my daughters room, still cooking and cleaning for everyone but we’re not talking.

Am I being unreasonable as he says. Am I selfish? Is it me like he says?

OP’s posts: |
iCorona Thu 02-Apr-20 08:52:27

Why are you still with this man? Sounds like you and your daughter would be 1000 times better off on your own. If you really have no where to go use this lockdown time to get your ducks in a row.

iCorona Thu 02-Apr-20 08:53:13

What would happen if you didn’t clean? Or disobeyed him?

pinkyredrose Thu 02-Apr-20 08:57:07

This is a horrific existence. Women's refuges are open, can you call women's aid?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-Apr-20 08:57:08

No its not you its him. You and your baby need to be away from him as of now because you are both victims of his domestic and financial abuse.

How is your mother vulnerable?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-Apr-20 08:58:10

This thread will give you more information:-

billy1966 Thu 02-Apr-20 09:00:06

Why are you with him.

You are in an abusive relationship.

Get your things together and contact the police to get you to a refuge.

He is a horrible man.

You are a skivvy, that's all.
You know this OP.
His an abuser, who doesn't care about you or your child.

Wishing you

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Thu 02-Apr-20 09:26:27

OP, not only is this abusive, it's been abusive for a long time. I'm so sorry he's like this, you don't deserve it. You shouldn't be doing everything for him, he's a grown man and, especially during lockdown, he should be sharing the load. If anything he should be taking more of the load as so much is generated by his own children.

I also wonder whether his other DCs' mother really is horrible, or whether that's his biased take on it...

thethoughtfox Thu 02-Apr-20 09:36:15

I'm so sorry, OP. He doesn't love you. Start making quiet plans to leave when you can.

Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 09:39:22

Guess I never wanted to be a single mum. Thought it would be better for daughter if we were together. He’s good with her when she’s not crying for me. He does bath time with her every day. I’m also worried about if I leave when she’s here without me as he will want to see her etc.

I said he doesn’t care about me, if I’m ill or exhausted. Only one time when I was so exhausted it was like a bad hangover without the booze and I threw up and needed to sleep. He looked after her then for a few hours. The boys love their sister when they are bothered and not on computer games. I used to talk to Hubby’s mum and she’d frequently smooth things over but I think that’s a form of control so I stay.

OP’s posts: |
TheFutureMrsHardy Thu 02-Apr-20 09:44:06

Jesus wept, OP, that reads like a horror story.

You are not his doormat, so stop letting him treat you like one.

Get your poor DD out of there and don't look back. Whatever he feels for you, it isn't love.

Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 09:49:03

My mum is in the vulnerable to coronavirus. If me or my daughter accidentally passed it on she would probably die as she has a serious breathing condition. I’m frightened to go there especially as my little girl has been having temps. I think it’s about ear infection but you can’t be to sure.

This is my second marriage (first Hubby cheated on me after multiple miscarriages). I really don’t want loads of failed marriage. Silly I know, think I was vulnerable after last marriage break down.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Thu 02-Apr-20 09:55:56

Staying with him would be the fail, not leaving him
As soon as you safely can, please look into leaving

twinkletits99 Thu 02-Apr-20 09:59:59

Hi OP. Yes, this is an abusive relationship. Financially abusive, emotionally abusive. How is he with the kids? Would you be ok leaving them on their own with him? Is he horrible to them too?

You definitely cannot stay in this relationship. I've been there and now work in my spare time with women who have been through the same. Could you contact women's aid? They will help you understand exactly what you're experiencing and you are very likely to identify more and more behaviours of his that are abusive that you hadn't even noticed. It's incredibly difficult when you are in the relationship. It will also mean you have something documented re the abuse when you leave (yes, you must leave).

Please DM me if you need to.

Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 10:11:02

He’s pretty good with kids but if losses temper can be a bit scary. If doesn’t happen often.

He’s made me feel guilty in the past that if I left it would separate the kids and they love their sister. And that he wouldn’t be able to work and look after boys and they would have to go back to their mum. He won residency because she neglected them, neglected their education (they are both years behind) while getting herself another degree. She screams at them for saying daddy’s name etc and has tried to alienate them from him. I’ve tried to help her in the past and all she’s done is lie about me, call me horrible names and even lied about me in court. She’s a nightmare who try’s to to manipulate everything and cause arguments and issues all the time. The kids are good here, are doing better at school, healthier and have put on weight. They are just horrible to me and treat me like poo when I do a lot for them.

OP’s posts: |
Saladfingers95 Thu 02-Apr-20 10:14:51

What an absolute tool. You will feel much better once you have left him OP, trust me. You will feel like a weight has been lifted!

Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 10:27:02

I know his ex is a nightmare and is a vile person as I have first hand experience. Every time I tell him that me doing all this and not allowed to sleep is unfair and he can’t really love me as he doesn’t give a monkeys for my well being he says I’m horrible like her and I sound like her. It’s the biggest insult as I’m nothing like her. All I ever try to do is help people.

OP’s posts: |
Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 10:28:14

I don’t want my daughter growing up to think women should be treated this way.

OP’s posts: |
Hayyancairo2 Thu 02-Apr-20 10:49:23

As hard as it may seem for you to leave him. You really must wake up and get advice about a plan of action. In all honesty, I think you will leave eventually, so why endure this lifestyle any longer, needlessly? You are so lucky you live in the UK. You will be able to manage financially. More importantly, you and your daughter will be happier. His mere response of 'He’s made me feel guilty in the past that if I left it would separate the kids and they love their sister. And that he wouldn’t be able to work and look after boys and they would have to go back to their mum', says it all. He's a bully, and he know's you accept all that he throws at you. Stop it now. Many women have been in these situations for years, needlessly. Please wake up. You and your daughter deserve so much more. A man is supposed to treat his wife like a Queen, clearly, you are not his Queen.

GilbertMarkham Thu 02-Apr-20 11:01:29

I know his ex is a nightmare and is a vile person

They clearly both are.

Her being awful doesn't mean he's not too - it's not mutually exclusive.

disappear Thu 02-Apr-20 11:10:56

He’s pretty good with kids - and yet you do everything for them.

He’s made me feel guilty in the past that if I left it would separate the kids and they love their sister - and yet he is doing nothing to ensure that your marriage is happy.

And that he wouldn’t be able to work and look after boys and they would have to go back to their mum. Not your fault or your responsibility.

GilbertMarkham Thu 02-Apr-20 11:16:55

This is my second marriage (first Hubby cheated on me after multiple miscarriages). I really don’t want loads of failed marriage

So because your ex was a scum bag who cheated on his wife and you had to end the marriage (or he did, I don't know what happened), you have to stay in this abusive marriage now?


*Silly I know, think I was vulnerable after last marriage break down."

Incredibly common, have done it myself (didn't marry the guy, though I could have).

Doesn't mean you should continue to suffer, or your daughter.

His behaviour causing you to have to keep her unnaturally quiet and subdued ... Is what I would consider child abuse. I'd say quite s few people would.

Stimpy168 Thu 02-Apr-20 11:28:26

Not sure what I’m doing is child abuse. I respond very quickly so from what I’ve read this is ensuring needs are met as she doesn’t cry for very long at all. She’s a pretty happy and content child I make sure of that. I just try and make sure she doesn’t wake anyone at night.

OP’s posts: |
userabcname Thu 02-Apr-20 11:43:17

I'm so sorry OP but you are doing far, far more damage to your daughter by staying with this man than leaving. In 20 years time it will be her in pain and suffering as she trawls to the supermarket after childbirth and stays awake all night so her husband doesn't get disturbed and has to justify the £10 she spends on formula. Then what will you say?

NaviSprite Thu 02-Apr-20 12:03:19

I don’t think the insinuation was you are abusing your DD but that your husband has unreasonable expectations of how she should behave already, the abuse is from him.

As Katniss said, imagine your DD in your position in 20 or so years time going through exactly what you are going through, what would you tell her? Use that fire of protection for both of you. He’s an arsehole of the highest order.

My DH is sole earner after I had my twins, he pulled that card once, only once because I made it very clear that I was the one sacrificing my career to raise our babies, that if I left (not that I would leave my DC) what would he do to be sole earner and single parent? Thankfully my DH is not an aggressive man, he has a loud voice when he shouts, but that day I managed to shout louder - I knew I wasn’t in danger because he’s not a violent person so I wouldn’t recommend you do as I did if you fear his reaction. But, to put it simply, he is relying on your Fear, Obligation and Guilt, to keep you in check.

Such as: stating it would be your fault if his older DC had to be returned to their Mother. No, it is on him to make sure he protects them, not on you. If he is so poor a parent that he can’t raise them without you there to be a skivvy, then that’s his failing and his alone. But he tries to put the onus on you to guilt you into accepting the position he has decided you fit, with no consideration it sounds for you.

He’s financially abusive. It’s clear from the fact that he holds his position of ‘sole earner’ above your head as though it exonerates him from any responsibility as a parent to his older DC or your DD.

He’s already painting you to be like the so called ‘vile’ ex. Be careful with that one, I’m not saying her behaviour is right or wrong as obviously I don’t know her. But what did he do in that relationship to cause such bad blood and animosity? I’m not saying she’s perfect but men like your DH don’t just become like this overnight - it’s something they hide very well until they know they’ve got you in a position to start exerting their control.

Please call womensaid or any local women’s welfare centres you have when it is safe to do so. Take care OP flowers

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