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Things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't...(145 Posts)
The CoronaCrisis is taking lives and shredding already strained relationships and some people are finding themselves literally locked down with someone they no longer like, let alone love. Covid-19 is real, and very scary, and no one would wish it on anyone. We all want it sorted, not least for those poor people who have it and especially those who are very poorly with it, or who have lost someone as a result of it.
So, for everyone who is really genuinely struggling in your relationship, if there are things you need and want to say to your husband/partner during this lockdown but can't, for whatever reason - maybe you don't want to upset someone else in the household, maybe your partner is fragile in some way, maybe you just can't face hurting their feelings, or maybe you just physically can't say the words - say it here.
Throughout our marriage, your refusal to honour any agreement we make that is important to me, has been and remains deeply wounding and has destroyed all trust. I can't believe anything you say or rely on you doing what you say you will do, because they are just words to you, without meaning. Do you not realise that I have grown to despise your behaviour? That now we have reached the point where you change the atmosphere of a room when you enter, and not in a good way? Do you not understand that I feel only stress and tension when you are in the house, and peace and relaxation only comes for me now when you are out? Trying to make conversation with you exhausts me. And thank you, really, for telling me that when I speak you hear noise. I really appreciate that. Thank you for your utter self-centredness and selfishness, for making drinks and meals only for yourself and not for anyone else. For using the last of the milk, bread or whatever, and simply shrugging it off as unimportant. Because of course it is. What's important is that you have your drinks and meals, that you come first in everything, that you have things your way all the time.
Are u married to my husband I could have written this myself
You are not hilarious you are a disgusting child. Not having to see colleagues etc does not give you the right to turn into a complete slob. Wash yourself regularly without being "nagged" cut your fucking toe nails not because I made you but because it's just what people do! When I tell you I'm getting annoyed don't keep annoying me with childish remarks and behaviour and then get pissed off at me. You are 33 farts are not funny.
No, I am not going to give you a list of instructions on how and when to look after the baby. He's 9 months old, and you're just as much his parent as I am
Thank you for leaving dirty mugs and plates in the sink after I've done the washing and drying and put everything away and wiped dry the surface. Obvs unknown to me, I am the only one capable of cleaning in this house. Also just cos your mum loved housework and lived for her kids, that doesn't mean every woman thinks like that. I too have my own ambitions and fuck you for thinking that makes me a bad mum. I love my children more than anything in the world but I also love me too.
I wish you would look around you and see what you have. A wife who loved you and a house that is safe warm and all the bills paid. I wish you would trust me I’m not your ex wife or ex partner who both lied and cheated on you. I work hard contribute more than they ever did.
But still all you do is moan and groan and say stuff that hurts my feelings. You have the inability to take any responsibility for things or for hurting people. Even your own family have said to you don’t mess this one up she’s a gem don’t be selfish and think of other people. Yes you going to work is great and you have very early mornings and are tired but that doesn’t give you the excuse to snap and be moody to change the atmosphere in the house. I dread you coming back from work not knowing what mood you will be in. Just stop otherwise you might find you lose someone that loves you very much.
Thanks for starting this thread, what a great idea!
This is what I’d love to say :
It’s over between us. Slowly you have chipped away at my resolve and I just can’t be bothered any more. You act like a petulant child if you don’t get your own way and sulk for days. You have no idea how to deal with small children and just make the current situation even harder. We have nothing in common any more and I’m not sure I even like you now. Being with you is like a mill stone round my neck and even though it would be hard with two small children on my own, i would feel so much freer.
Deciding to tell me that you had an affair 20 odd years ago and then totally clam up about it has changed every thing for me. The affair may be in your distant past but to me it feels like it happened yesterday.I cant get the knowledge out of my head and I want to know all the details. Then I don't want to know any details but torture myself imagining the fun you both had together. You say it was at a time when things were not good between us ? is that true ? I cant remember. I do remember a time when I felt that something was going on but I was busy with work, with family and the feeling passed. I am left feeling that my view of our life together is a lie, has their been other women ? you say no, how can I believe you. I want to leave, get a place of my own and live my own life before I get to old to do so. If I don't do this soon I look ahead and see myself as your carer as you get old and sick. You used to say that you loved me but wasn't in love with me, now you don't say that you didn't mean that. You used to say I was you're best friend, now you've learned to say I am your wife.You tell me you love me.
This is what I want to say to you
I find you faintly ridiculous
I dont love you. I dont hate you. I feel nothing for you.I could walk out the door and never think of you again. I will be leaving
After reading these replies I’d like to say: thank you for being amazing and hard working and patient. I’m sorry for snapping about trivial things. I’ll try harder to not be so grumpy!
I'm sick of you being a petulant child. I'm sick of you being a victim every time something is said that you don't agree with. I'm sick of the strain you put on me and I'm sick of my children seeing a grown man act like a child when they have more maturity themselves. I'm sick of you. I'm done with us. Once this lockdown is over you need to move out.
Why do you need a round of applause because you did some parenting? Why do you need to be told to clear up your mess - Do you need to be told to wipe your arse when you've done a shit as well?
Why don't you just die you pathetic and weak drug addict!!
Sorry but I hate him with an unhealthy passion! 🤯
I did actually go nuclear and say most of it but apoplectic is better than outright murder yes??
You treat me like a child and disregard anything I ever say. You’ve taught my children that mummy’s word doesn’t always matter.
Your say is the only one that goes no matter what I say and I’m done with it. This is my house and my life too.
You sulk when I don’t want to have sex with you and make the whole day change with your mood. I just want a cuddle without a sexual reference or a grope.
I left you because neither of us were happy but you cried and begged me back. I came back and now you don’t give a shit I’m on meds for a bad chest when there a pandemic going round.
You’re selfish and I’m sure I’d be happier on my own with my children.
I know you’re sexting another woman, I snooped on your phone (which I know was wrong) and saw the messages. You send sleazy messages to other women too. You joked about sexting other women yesterday and I called your bluff and asked you directly if you were, and you said “of course not”. You blow up in a rage when I make little mistakes with housework. You lie to me and bully me but I’ve got no where else to go.
Watching you slowly decline into old age is breaking my heart. Your gradual loss of mental ability, memory and vocal skills; the diminishing mobility and the loss of the person you once were .... once tiny, tiny step at a time but gathering pace now you're your 70's.
You are still the man I love, I will always be at your side, I will always care for you; but I am in mourning for the husband I married, the lover, the friend.
Thank you (genuinely) for getting out in the garden today.
You have reduced the great need I have had lately for putting a pillow over your head while you sleep...
The unsympathetic and obviously irritated attitude you have had this week while I’ve been so poorly with suspected covid has demonstrated you are still as selfish as I’ve always suspected you were and I pray that my dd is able to put me in a care home if I ever get dementia or other such illness, as you’d make my life a misery .
Please stop being so hard on my daughter. I know you love her, I also know she's 12 and a monumental, stroppy, moody sod, but please stop pulling her up on absolutely everything. If you looked you'd also see a lovely, kind, funny, helpful caring girl. So when she is any of those things, praise her too please. You are so good at considering her needs and wants, I love that you buy her chocolate orange, as it's her favourite, and go out of your way to get her the baking stuff she wants, but please just give her a break.
Please look me in the eye every now and then when I speak to you, when you stare at the TV or your phone I feel invisible
Please love me with the rush of passion you used to, please stop the quick decline into middle age when you're only 38
Please laugh with me, enjoy my silliness and lighten up
But thank you too, for being the love of my life for almost half my life. For every fault, you have something so lovely about you. Thank you for making me breakfast today and for telling me I look cute in my PJs when I know full well I don't. Thank you for trying to understand my crazy mind. Love you xxx
Feel like a pillock after reading all these... I'm sorry you're all having a hell of a time. I once was too, but I left 2yrs ago after 5yrs and now I'm nearly a year in with the most lovely human. I feel very fortunate.
I'm so glad to have you here with me during this weird and scary time. I still have to take you to work frontline in the NHS and even though I'm so proud of you for the courage and dedication you show, I'm desperate to hide you away with me. Thanks for trying to keep up with my anxiety-induced cleaning, making me laugh, dragging me out for a walk or pushing the boxercise pads under my nose in the living room. BUT... stop using about a million litres of shampoo/hand soap/Fairy. You're hardly a Yeti! 🙈
Your selfish behaviour, your drinking, your arrogance continue unabated. Your attempted control and abuse continues. What you haven’t yet realised is that I no longer care, I no longer want to fix it. I just find you ridiculous.
You know I have a relationship with someone else but in your arrogance you think I won’t leave. I will. I have made plans.
I miss you, you're a wonderful mother, you have myriad good qualities from your independence through your kindness and willingness to help anyone in trouble to your humour, wit, intelligence and strength. You've been through so much this last two years, the lifetime diagnosis of a degenerative condition, the cancer diagnosis of a close family member amongst other things. We make a very good parenting team, have similar values and once were able to share everything. I hope we haven't damaged the kids, but I suspect we have.
I have also been through a lot, my own cancer, the death of a parent, and the future of not being just a parent and bread winner but also a life long carer. It is not a future i relish, but I will fulfil it as best I can. I will not leave you.
But you have rejected me for years and I hold a lot of pain, disappointment, self reproach, guilt and other emotions inside me. I know you will never be the wife you once were. People change and I accept that. I hope you can understand my own emotional withdrawal as a coping mechanism for me, rather than as a punishment for you. I don't think either of us are happy with the status quo, but I know you don't want to communicate about it. So I don't.
You’re a lazy, messy, work shy dickhead and a piss poor role model.
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