Online dating question

[Gemi33]

Hi

I joined an online dating site for the first time about a month ago (after being very reluctant for some time). I have a bit of a random question - do people generally only message people that they find physically attractive or do you ever reply to messages that sound nice even if you are not particularly attracted to the person? I know it's a bit of a weird question but I am finding that so far I have not found anyone particularly attractive physically (and I genuinely wouldn't say I am particularly picky) but have had quite a few messages from people and on the one hand I don't really see the point in replying if they're just not my type but then on the other hand there doesn't seem to be anyone who is. I have a few friends who have met people online who said that you can't really tell if you're attracted to someone just based on a photo so I'm confused!

x

[Liveforever86]

Surely not particularly relevant or a priority?

[MikeUniformMike]

If they are not truly dreadful, you could reply. I don't reply to ones that just say Hi, or are stroppy, or if they haven't read my profile.

I've replied to some I thought a definite No and they seem nice in messages.

[Gemi33]

MikeUniformMike thanks, that's really helpful - I've also had some messages that weren't great and were an immediate no but where the message was good and came across well I just wondered whether I should be writing them off so quickly (would be lovely to hear from people who did meet their partner online - did you like them straightaway from their picture?!).

Liveforever86 sorry if you think this isn't appropriate! I'm not trying to offend anyone. I'm stuck at home completely on my own and feeling quite isolated, I've had a few messages so I wanted to ask.

x

[rowlett]

I think that unless you find them specifically deeply UNattractive it could be worth giving it a shot... this is only my personal experience but I met my now-partner on a dating site and I initially thought he was just OK-looking but his profile was properly filled out and he sounded interesting, and we ended up clicking really well from the very first messages and actually as it turns out he is quite gorgeous in person and was just using unflattering photos A bigger turn-off for me was usually if the guy had no profile info or was crap at chatting.

[Gemi33]

That's good advice rowlett thanks! I have had messages that are interesting and funny and that was what I was thinking, that maybe photos aren't always the most flattering! Also, it's really difficult because I do think physical attraction is important but it's not like I'm gorgeous or anything and I'm really self conscious about how I look so I don't want to be too picky or shallow!

Glad it worked out for you! xx

[uhohmybad]

So I replied to a man that I wouldn't say I found attractive. But I was sort of drawn to him... anyway I replied, and we've been together now for 3 months, his personality is amazing, and I definitely really fancy him now! So yeah I'd say don't go for anyone you think is an absolute no, but do give the "average" ones a chance 😃

[Eesha]

Give average ones a chance, as well as good chat. You don't have time to to date everyone so might as well filter somehow!

[Gemi33]

Lovely to hear some success stories!

[mummillion]

I don't know , for me physical attraction is really important . I've genuinely tried to give a few nice guys I wasn't really attracted to a go but then I found it became a chore every time so I've just decided rather than waste anyone's time, to stick to what I like as I feel incredibly guilty for leading someone on and then finding I'm just not feeling it.

[TreeTopTim]

I would do as others have said and give the average looking ones a chance. Look at their profile and if it interests you send them a message. Looks fade and people can look much better in person than in a photo.

[Gemi33]

mummillion you've hit on exactly my worry I think. I don't want it to seem like I'm leading anyone on if I message someone and then back out because I'm not attracted to them and wasn't in the first place.

[Crystal87]

I don't really fancy people just from a photo. Most people look different in real life and it's about personality and chemistry as well and I think attraction can grow. I used to reply to the messages that they had put thought into and take it from there.

[IndieTara]

@crystal I'm the same. I usually go for a great smile rather than looks, then personality

[Eesha]

@Gemi33 you are allowed to change your mind. I've had chats, swapped pics and then backed off.

[Gemi33]

Great advice, thanks everyone! I'm very new to this so this really helps!

[TigerDater]

I matched with a man two years ago, his photo made him look pretty average and his profile was badly worded though I wasn’t repulsed as such. Bbecause his messages were sweet and intelligent we chatted, then met after a few days. My god. When I clapped eyes on him I literally found it hard to breathe. He is gorgeous. We’re not together any more, just flirty friends, but I’m so glad I gave him a chance. Don’t worry about leading people on, it’s a screening process and it works both ways. You may find it helpful to check out the dating thread on here (though obviously we’re in lockdown for the moment).

[DiscoDown]

I think it's really difficult to gauge chemistry off a photo - I've met attractive men who there's just nothing there when you meet, and more average ones who I really fancy in person. I wasn't sure about my boyfriend when we started messaging, but we got on really well messaging and he's much more gorgeous in real life!

[Bagelsandbrie]

I met dh on plenty of fish 11 years ago. I fancied him from his photo and sent a message, but I wouldn’t have kept messaging if we didn’t “click” after that. So I do think some sort of attraction is important. Some people are a grower though and if it’s not a “urgggh” type response maybe it’s worth passing a few messages and seeing how it goes...?

I think you have to be pretty ruthless though. I messaged people for a bit and then blocked them otherwise you end up in this too polite to say no / stop type thing which doesn’t help anyone.

Also - not appropriate now as you can’t meet anyone anyway- but when you CAN meet them try and do it relatively quickly so you don’t get your hopes up. And meet just for a coffee during the day so you can make a quick get away if it’s not working!

Dh and I met for a Costa and ended up staying 3 hours until they shut the shop around us!

[ravenmum]

I've been with one man off OLD for 3 years now and was with another for a year and a half. I'm now 50 so almost none of the men in the pictures are dreamily handsome, unfortunately! But the ones I would answer are cheerful looking, dressed in clothes I find reasonably tasteful, not holding a fish or climbing a mountain (not my thing), and have the wherewithall to find a picture of themselves in which they are not sitting on their settee looking down into their phone camera so that all six of their chins are on display.

A still photo of a man does very little for me. He would really have to be George Clooney to attract me just from a photo. But like someone else said, the ones I ended up having a relationship with looked intriguing in some way - they were my favourites. The latest one is really not George Clooney but had a nice cheeky look to him. Part of the attraction is actually his voice, which doesn't photograph well at all.

[FlowerArranger]

@Gemi33.... Can you imagine someone famous who is not particularly good looking, but who you like for their personality? Think Martin Clunes, Timothy Spall, Steve Buscemi...

[Gemi33]

Thanks, the replies are giving me a bit of hope! I put off OLD for a long time - I'm not exactly slim and very self conscious and find the whole thing quite scary.

Also the thing someone said about being brutal is a good point - I feel like I'm a bit in that position at the moment, being polite and dragging something out because I don't want to be rude!

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I photograph spectacularly badly. There's just something about a camera that makes me look two stone heavier, multiple chinned, flat faced and generally awful. I'm told I'm a lot better looking in real life! So maybe give them a chance until you can get to meet in real life - i can't be the only one!

[Buggedandconfused]

I went out of my comfort zone of my type and started chatting to a guy I may not have normally. We are getting on like a house on fire and when I met him the attraction was huge!
I would not however answer messages if I didn’t like how they dressed, if they had bad teeth or looked like they loved themselves.

[Gemi33]

Lol Zaphodsotherhead I think I'm the opposite, I seem to look slimmer in better in pics which worries me that then if I met up with someone they would be really disappointed!

[TigerDater]

Not all men fancy only slim women though OP, and if the attraction is there a few unexpected pounds in real life won’t be a deal-breaker