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Please help, no one else to talk about this with

(18 Posts)
1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 13:53:31

Firstly i must say that this is my first thread on MN, however i've been visiting the site for about a year. The advice always seems good so here goes. My husband had an emotional affair with a colleage about a year ago, it lasted for about a year and there was no sexual contact although sexually explicit texts, e-mails were exchanged. He is quite rightly disgusted with himself and full of remorse which is the primary reason i dont tell any friends in RL, i'm afraid they will hold it against him and i want to move on. I thought we were doing really well, i've just been searching on facebook for some friends we know mutually and her picture and profile was on a friends sight, angry, i've never seen her before but know her name, i just could'nt believe how unattractive she is, i supposed i'd always imagined that she'd be really good looking and that he was so immensely flattered that he just could'nt help himself, but obviously now i know why he never wanted me to see her. I just feel that if he was willing to risk our family for her than can i really be the one? Also i was enraged at her pictures all surrounded by children of family and friends and all her speil about how important family is! she didnt seem to concerned for me my 14month old DS and my newborn baby DD when she was sending my hub texts such as 'oh i know your married but lets take things further'. sad. I just feel so mad, i've worked so hard to get here and now i feel like this, will it ever just go away? excuse the long message!!

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:02:23

Just want to give you my support - i am probably one of the ones you got support from as i have been there. H had a huge affair that lasted just over a year - i am coming up to a year of finding out now and i too feel will i ever get over this - it is such a huge thing. I too dont want to go back there but feel 'how can i be the one' if he could do this to me.

I feel from your message that there is still a lot of anger inside - agian me too. And just guessing but i bet you listened to your h when he said it would be best for you not to meet/confront her.

Dont really know what to say to make you feel any better as i wish i could take my own advice at the moment.

I am sure there is a way to get past this and i shall be looking at this post for some tips too.

Just know that you are not alone, and whatever you are feeling you are not stupid or silly for thinking them (well not as silly as our H's were at the time).

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:02:57

Please anybody any advice is better than none! hmm

tutu100 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:04:15

I think you are doing very well to try and put this behind you. I'm sure that if it was me I wouldn't be as understanding and forgiving of my partner.

I think the fact that she doesn't look like you expected her to doesn't really mean anything. I think most men are flattered by any attention whether it comes from a supermodel or a minger! Have you and your partner talked all this through, were you satisfied that he was telling you the truth about why he got emotionaly invovlved with her?

As for the family being important thing, people ahve one rule for them and one for others. My dad (who I love dearly) would say that he puts family above everything (which he does most of the time), but it still didn't stop him having an affair and leaving my mum for the other women. What I'm trying to say is this woman probably thinks that her family is important, but unfortunately your family wasn't to her.

I hope you feel a bit better once you've voiced your feelings. Good Luck I think you are doing really well.

duke748 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:06:23

God, I do feel for you. Its never nice to be reminded of that kind of stuff.

You always think that the other person is some kind of sexy young minx that the guy couldn't say no to (I know I did). But it is never as simple as that.

You need to talk to your man about why it happened and what he is doing/will do to make sure it never happens again.

When she sent that text saying she wanted to take things further he should have said no and cut off contact with her. What was it about the way she made him feel that he didn't do this? Was it flattery, attention, comfort, understanding etc?

I know its very painful to do this, but I think its necessary so that what was 'broken' can be fixed and you can go forward together, if that is what you want to do.

Be strong and know that people are hopng for the best for you.


1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:07:20

Thanks so much happywoman, we must have posted at the same time! it just seems two steps forward three backwards at the moment. i'm glad your feeling positive and i dont want to drag you back but i just wanted to ask have you told anyone in RL and has it helped? Also whenever you discuss it with your H does he go all a bit 'oh i thought you'd be over this by now'?

duke748 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:10:42

PS - Look on the bright side - if she was a supermodel you would always be wondering if he was wishing he was in bed with her rather than you! At least you know you win in that department!

PPS - He was involved with her for a year, so you are 'allowed' at least a year to get over this. Don't let him belittle your feelings.

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:13:27

Tutu and Duke thanks for the support, he has admitted that he didnt find her attractive, maybe why i'm so convinced nothing went further, but he lied to me for over a year, telling me she was just a mate or a mates wife when she would send him normal texts,then hiding her number under different names so i didnt get suspicious. I know that he was very depressed when it all started, we were in financial dire straits, we had a nine month old Ds and PND and was pregnant again with my DD!! A recipe for disaster, i think he just viewed it as a bit of escapism.

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:15:50

We go to counselling which is a great help - if nothing else it 'makes' us take time for us.

Try and remeber that he has stayed with you and surely that makes you 'better' than her.

If like me you are the sort of person who could never do it, it is hard to see it from someone elses point of view.

I do think people get themselves into a situation where they just dont think properly - she of course may have run a mile if he had wanted to take it further. Could she just be a tease and a flirt. I know i am and could see how other women might get the wrong idea if they saw me chatting to their husband.

Do you really believe it is over or do you think it only stopped when you found out?

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:17:30

But now a lot of my memories of my DS's childhood,and DD's birth etc are marred by this. Also hes still in the same job, altough not in the same building or even area, but i know that if we share mutual friends than they probably know and when i bump into them at functions i just dont think i could cope, sorry for sounding so weak and pathetic, you can all give me a kick in the arse!! shock

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:24:16

happywoman, i've discussed councilling, but i thought because he didn't actually physically cheat they would maybe poo-poo it! However i dont seem to actually be able to let go 100% so it may be just what i need. The thing is whenever we discuss it he starts crying, i know he hates himself, he actually got meningitis and almost died not long after i found out so i couldnt really shout scream or kick out at him like i wanted to, instead i swallowed down all my feelings, and i dont know if i should risk going back to the beginning and opening up a massive wound with the chance it may never get better, or just try and see if it will go away on its own?

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:30:31

Just read your post to me and yes - pretty much everyone knows in RL as he actually left me for a while. So not say my situation is worse as i dont really think it is the sex as such which hurts the most.

My h does sometimes wish it would just 'go away' but he knows he still has a hell of a lot to do to make it up to me and the children, and i think he doubts whether he really ever can.

I know how upset he is by his own stupidity and it hurts to see him upset but there is still my very real need to sort this out for myself. Will it ever go away - i dont think so but we have to find a way to live with it, and i think we are still learning that. I think that people in RL knowing does actually help as i feel he has had to 'face-up' to what he has done and it does not get pushed under the carpet.

I have tried not to make it a 'taboo' subject as i really do believe that it is to blame for a lot of problems. It is surpising and a comfort to know just how many people are affected by this and i really do think that if people knew the distruction these sort of things cause it may make them think twice about it all in the first place.

Of course he is ashamed but really that is his problem and you should do what you need to do now whether he likes it or not, but i know from experience that this is easier said than done.

PS my ow was really nothing to look at too and makes me wonder what she had that i didnt.

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:39:04

I would say that you do need to let the anger go - and if screaming is what you need then do it. Are you 100% sure there was no sex - as i do think men are not good at telling you it all. Believe me if he has convinced you it was not phyical then he will not want to go back there. He needs to understand that you do need to go back there and he should be supportive of you in this.

I am sure he is still very upset and angry - as is my H with himself but you must not let his crying put you off what you need to do.

My H convinced me not to see her which i think could have been a mistake as i still have so much i want to say to her - but i know too that too much time has now passed and i will just look like a silly woman.

So you think you should be over it by now? There is no timescale and i fear that if we dont deal with these issues then they can return at a later date anyway.

Surely your H would want you to get over this too - you do not want 'snide' remarks if he ever makes a comment to another woman.

But i totally know where you are coming from here.

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 14:44:30

Thanks Happywoman, just to let you know i think your doing amazingly. I text him earlier today to tell him i'd seen cowface on facebook and that he has good taste! grin i've just recieved his reply it ends, "i love you so much and i feel like i have killed part of us off sometimes. I wish oneday it would alljust leave us, but now i doubt it will." I certainly wonder what she had that i didnt,maybe its because she has her own flat car and job, i.e. financially stable, she had no babies hanging off her covered in babysick with leaking bosoms, and all her time was her own to pander over my husband.

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:45:34

Of course your memories are clouded with this but they always will be. This is so very hard but only you know if you can live with this (which of course you can - but will it be together?)

We try and get throuhg it by being as open as possible - he is getting better at bringing up the subject too and that actually makes me feel better about it.

Please try not to worry what others think of you - although again i know how you feel. Anyone who has been through anything like this (and there are more than you think) will not think anything bad of you.

He is only human and maybe he did just get sucked in by all the attention (not an excuse however). He does need to explain to you (until you are sick of it really) so that you can completely understand. That is what you need now - however painful it is for him.

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 14:53:32

Well done - that text sounds like the ones i get from my H - hey we are not sharing are we?!!!!!!!!

I havent had any today though and i am feeling a bit low too - lots of memories at the moment for me.

I think you are right about the being able to pander over him - as agian that is the same here. God men can be so stupid sometimes, (and i am not a man hater normally).

We have met others going through this since and it is amazing how my H gets so angry too now as he can see they are making the same mistakes that he did - he says he just wants to give them a kick up the backside.

I also get cross with the idea that it is the wifes fault in any way that this happens - i think there are just some men who are going to do it anyway and being able to blame the wife makes it a bit easier on them. H also sees that there was nothing much wrong with us (that a bit of time and talking could not have solved anyway).

1crazymumof2 Tue 11-Sep-07 15:03:36

Happywoman our H's do sound suspiciously similar!! wink. In every other respect he is the most amazing friend lover and father i could wish for, and i too love blokes, theres nothing wrong in a bit of flirting! I think when he gets home i will tell him i want us to go to counselling, he just rang and said that he understands exactly how i feel and he will do anything to make it better. I really hope i havent dredged up the past for you, it really has helped to talk to someone!

HappyWoman Tue 11-Sep-07 15:17:01

No problem - yes it does drag it up again but like i said i dont think it will ever go away and if i can be of help to anyone then it has done some good after all.

My H still not texted or phoned - but i do know he is busy and he can make it up to me later.

We know how wonderful our H's are and that is why the ow were after them, but we won too and that is all that counts.

The most important thing now is that we have a good long happy life for ourselves.

I have learnt an awful lot about myself throuhg this too - and i thought i was quite intune with my inner self anyway. I feel proud (as you should) that we are amazing forgiving people who now how to treat others. We will not look back with regrets about our conduct over this.

good luck and contact me if you need any more support anytime.

School pick up now - oh the joys of it all my best time of day (now you know i am mad)!!

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