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Am I being impatient? Marriage and kids?(205 Posts)
I've got to the point where I don't know what to do...
I've been with my OH for 9 years this month, he knows that I want to get married and have kids and so does he. Yet here I am 9 years and counting with no ring on my finger.
The way his brain works is get ourselves set up before we take the next step in our venture. I.e house and decorated. But we have had a house for 4 years now and we are very close to finishing the decorating, we now trying to pay the mortgage off.
I have had the conversation with him about 6 months ago about how serious I am about marriage and kids to make sure he's on the same page. He says his is...so what are we waiting for?
Am I being impatient? What should I do?
Has this got anything to do with the house being in his name only
Well if you spoke to him 6 months ago and if he is onboard then presumably it would take him time to make a plan to propose and buy a ring. At the moment, when we can’t even go to a restaurant or a weekend away, he’s probably not going to propose until this thing blows over.
You’re not being impatient though and he shouldn’t say he’s not on the same page if he isn’t.
Could you talk to him again or drop hints? Do you believe he does want to get married? How old are you both?
You’ve been together a long time so it sounds like you’re both serious.
If you do want marriage and kids you will need to be with someone else.
This man is paying lip service to you and is just stringing you along now, he is clearly not on the same page as you and probably never has either. His current priorities seem to be the house and paying the mortgage off. There will be other priorities for him after that and they will not include marriage to you. DO not waste any more of your previous years on him.
9 YEARS?! I know people who have met, married, bought a house, had kids and divorced in the space of nine years! Unless there’s a massive drip feed that you got together when you were 12 then I think you know he isn’t serious. Who paid for the house?
Are you 28/29 like your user name? You've still got plenty of time, but I wouldn't waste it on this guy. He's stringing you along.
Some people are just don’t prioritise marriage over a house or kids. Personally I wanted to get married first so didn’t even move in with DH until we got married but I know that’s unusual! Weddings are expensive and I knew that if I just moved in with him there would always be something else to spend the money on - house, home improvements, maybe a child...
Just because he wants to prioritise other things doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to marry you but he needs to take seriously how important this is to you.
I have a friend who just got married after about 16 years or so, they have four kids and I think the eldest is about 15! They just could afford it before.
Assuming you are 29ish you're not being unreasonable. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation to check you are both on the same page before you waste any more time.
Not another of these posts about wanting to get married and waiting and waiting and waiting for the man to propose...!
Take control of your own life op. If you want to get married do something about it; propose to him, set a date for the wedding, give him an ultimatum, leave him... Don't just sit there passively waiting for him to decide that he is ready!
I'm afraid that you are being taken for a fool here. Sorry.
Thanks for the replies! I'm 29 and he's 27, I know he's 'in to me' I know he loves me. I just don't know what he's waiting for. Getting frustrating, he doesn't want kids before marriage as he disagrees with it.
Is the house in both names?If not he’s stringing you along
Why don't you ask him?
You'd be wise not to have kids before marriage if you would want to take a long maternity leave or potentially drop hours or become a sahp. It's good that at least he's consistent.
What's his time-scale for marriage/children? How long will it take to pay off the mortgage? You have to keep a wary on your biological clock - he doesn't.
Blimey...well. the clock isnt exactly about to stop ticking. Perhaps try and ask him when he wants to get married. Ask for a year, then work backwards from there to allow time for planning the wedding etc and remind him how soon that is that he should propose.
Alternatively, you may get the truth, that he doesnt want children for a while and sees marriage as something you do before children so no need right now.
A clearer conversation needs to be had, you do deserve that after all this time, but be prepared for the answer.
I think you are wasting your time to be honest. 9 years is long enough. I was with someone life this. He will find reason after reason, house needs doing, need to pay off credit cards, need to save for a new car etc etc etc
I'm assuming you're having sex before marriage so kids could happen, contraception can fail.
Have another conversation but it doesn't sound like he is prioritising you or marrying you
If it is important for you to do it soon, then let him know. It won’t be romantic but it may be simpler. You will both know where you are and which direction the relationship is going. Just be aware some people use engagement the wrong way. It is just a promise to marry, which you effectively have now.
Impatient after 9 years? I'd have been gone after 2, maybe 3 max. He's stringing you along and the longer you stay with him, you're letting him. No decision is still a decision. He doesn't want to marry you or have kids with you. If that's okay with you, by all means continue to waste time with him. If YOU want marriage and kids, you need to split up now. It can take time. People say 'plenty of time' at 29, well, you'd be surprised how quickly it goes and it takes time to meet someone else and progress the relationship.
My DH was similar in that he wanted to do everything "right". Difference was that we were officially engaged for all that time and neither of us prioritised a wedding over setting ourselves up. If one of us had wanted to get married sooner we would have prioritised it sooner.
Paying off the mortgage first is a massive delay tactic. Most mortgages are set over 25yrs. How long are you willing to wait?
What does he say when you talk about this? What would he do if you said it was important to you and you want to get married next year?
Be cautious OP. I have witnessed many friends who have had the same thing happen to them, and suddenly the guy ups and leaves, whilst admitting there was something "not quite right" or felt something was missing so that's why they didn't propose. My ex boss was with her partner for 7 years, he left her when she was 31. My cousin who was with her partner for 15 years, left her at 37.
There will always be a reason not to marry: too expensive, mortgage, house, kids, work etc etc. But if you love each other, you will find a way to make it work, if not, you find excuses. Don't make it 10 years.
If you really want marriage and children I think you may have to cut your losses. I'd have one more serious conversation and make it clear that he's in last chance saloon and if that doesn't result in a definite plan for marriage and an agreement to start a family afterwards then I wouldn't waste any more time with him.
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