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Relationship advice(27 Posts)
First, some background info.. I have been with my other half for 6 years now, we're both in our mid 20s and are engaged and live together in a house that we purchased together less than 6 months ago.
I feel like I've come to a fork in the road and don't know which path to take.
Personally, I'm very laid back, I like to stay calm, happy, relaxed and enjoy most things in life day to day.
In the last year or so, my other half has become very short-fused over even the smallest of things, everything must he rushed and done right here - right now without any delay, again, she will get fiery and irritated.
I've always known that she is a very emotional person but it's just getting worse to where it's affecting our relationship. Over the last 2 weeks we've been arguing nearly everyday over the most tiniest of things and I'm literally at my wit's end. If i mention her emotions it'll set her off.
We've moved into our house less than 6 months ago and the kitchen needs a massive makeover. We have hardly any savings so will need to save up to cover these costs, which I have explained to her but she is constantly moaning, irritated, and keeping on and on how she doesn't like the kitchen and that she wants a kitchen right now. Which as I explained to her can't be done as we don't have the funds to do it yet, and it's just non-stop moping about it.
I work 60 hours a week so by the time i get home there is only a certain amount of time and daylight left for me to do the things that I need / want to get done, one example was last night: On the drive home i noticed that the inside of my windshield needs cleaning as it had a lot of sun glare, so I got home, she had made tea which was great and I told her that I was going to go out and clean all of the windows on my car before going to work tomorrow morning. I go outside and was out there for 10 minutes and she was already badgering me to hurry up and come back inside.
She doesn't have any hobbies and just wants to be with me every single second that we're both home and when i say that i want to do something, even for 5 minutes that doesn't involve her like check something on the PC or phone my parents to see how they're doing. She gets inpatient and tells me to hurry up as I'm wasting time and wasting the evening, etc. Which then irritates me as I'm laid back and hate rushing things. If I mention that she could get a hobby then it'll just be shrugged off and she loses it saying that it's because I don't want to be with her or spend time with her. Which I then give in and do what she wants so it doesn't lead to an argument.
So my average week is working from 04:00am till 17:30ish everyday then having to cuddle and watch tv with her right up till we go to bed at 22:00ish. Now don't get me wrong, I like doing that, but not every single day... We have 1 day each weekend where we both aren't working and it's the same, we need to spend the entire day together and anything that I want to do on a side-note, like pop to the shop to replace a bulb in the car, it irritates her and then I need to rush and get it, put it in the car fast otherwise she'll be irritated that I'm taking too long doing it.
I'm just feeling very suffocated at the moment, to the point that I'm wondering if this will go on for the rest of my life. We've fought countless times over her short-fuse and these petty arguments, she says she won't get annoyed and stressy over little things and give me breathing space, but it just reverts back again, and again...
Because we are engaged, my thought is that I don't know which path to take... One path leads me to staying put, and seeing if things will ever change down the road and I don't know if it will or not. The other path is leaving the last 6 years of my life.
I hope this post isn't taken the wrong way by thinking that I'm being selfish and everything is about me, me, me, etc. I just don't think it's normal to be arguing and falling out weekly, sometimes bi-weekly and that I have to walk on egg shells around her constantly because I don't want to do anything to set her off by me not doing things fast enough or wanting to do something other than sitting on the sofa and cuddling every single second that we're both together.
Any advice would be appreciated, as I'm really at a loss of what to do. I love her dearly, but I shouldn't feel trapped.
Does she work as well? It sounds suffocating and I couldn't live with someone this clingy
Have you thought about couples counselling?
There is also 2 sides to this. One side is yours - valid and you feel suffocated
The other side is hers. Either she is a very difficult person naturally who will never be satisfied (possible) or there are parts of your nature and behaviour that wind her up the wrong way.
The only way to unpick that is via counselling really to be honest
If you don’t want to invest any more time in this RS then don’t - the more you emotionally pull back from her the more she will be anxious and you will be in a vicious cycle no doubt and both of you unhappy
What is making her unhappy? Is she lonely? Why doesn’t she have any hobbies? Is this a recent change or has she always been this way?
Someone who likes routine and order may find it hard to be compatible with someone who is laid back and is not in any rush to do things. This could be just pure incompatibility now you are older. Just don’t let it drag on - try to talk to her
It shouldn't be this hard.
Please don't think about the path as leaving the last 6 years of your life. Those are in the past whatever route you take now. The path ahead is about how you want to spend the next 1, 2,5, 10, 20 years.
I can't quite get my head around what your OH is urging you to 'hurry up' and do? Hurry up and sit on the sofa?
I think the pp couples counselling mentioned is a good idea. I wonder if she is bored or restless lacking confidence to do things on her own? Could you gently suggest she has more time to do things do she could plan and research the new kitchen...Ikea might be the place to start...tell her you know you can’t afford it yet but good to get a plan...that will give her confidence hopefully also the acceptance that you want to do it eventually.
Have you told her that you need time to do things and that it’s great if she can do things too...my ex was clingy...drove me nuts (though it’s not why we parted) and I held to my guns insisting we’d have more to talk about if we did things separately which he slowly grew to accept and then enjoy.
And maybe she can work out a budget for the kitchen too to work out how much to put aside each month
or there are parts of your nature and behaviour that wind her up the wrong way.
Have a google 'Sunk cost fallacy'
If you truly love her then a proper chat is required.
Write down all your points as you have stated here.
Tell here exactly how it is.
That you feel suffocated.
That you need your own space at times and you will be taking up a hobby one night a week and if she doesn't like it then that is tough.
You will also put aside half a hour/hour every evening where you get things done that you need and want to do, calling parents, pottering in the garden, etc.....
If things don't improve then you have your answer.
However...... having said all of that, I think this is over. You know it is, deep down. You absolutely cannot and and should not live your life like this.
You are not compatible.
It really is that simple.
You simply don't sound compatible. Laid back people really wind up the 'get up and go' type of personality, hence the irritability and snappiness. Always on the go people make laid back people feel inadequate and unsettled.
It's a personality thing that won't change. Living together has exacerbated these traits and shown them in a stark way.
It is usually the case when a couple is not compatible that they annoy each other. Not that OP is purposefully annoying his partner. She’s annoying him - he’s probably annoying her
Thanks for all of your responses.
Something I should have added, she does also work.
This is my first relationship so I'm still learning along the way.
I admit there probably is things that I do that do get on her nerves, like every relationship. The difference is that it's starting to feel like a minefield, each mine I've got to creep around is different things that'll set her off.
For those who replied regarding hobbies, kitchen etc.. I had suggested a hobby a couple years ago to her but that was taken the wrong way that I didn't want to spend time with her. As for the kitchen, I really like to browse all of the DIY stores getting ideas but she doesn't, she said "No point in looking around as we can't afford it yet" but I explained that even though we don't have the funds right now, it's still nice to take a wander and look, research different ideas.
When I wrote about me rushing and having to hurry up, it means that I have to hurry whatever I am doing so we can cuddle on the sofa. Again, I like doing that, but not ALL the time. I've also explained this to her during one argument, that I wanted more breathing space but she took it wrong in that I didn't want to be with her and that I don't like spending time with her.
Hopefully I've covered some of the questions from the replies, again thanks all!
I think once it’s got to this point it is really hard to get it back OP sorry. You will drive each other mad
If you're changing and giving up on who you are, now, you will never stop. This is the truth!!
Personally I'd take my time -or whatever is you- and take the crap, go through her reaction not around it.
Stick kindly and emphatically to who you are.
You think you are taking responsibility for keeping the peace, but the war is just inside you instead! Being honest in the moment, it takes courage but it is authentic and will change this dynamic?
and you probably give off vibes when you've 'given in' that feed her insecurities
Hope these thoughts help even a little bit
Hi Nooz, thanks for the reply.
I've been dealing with her reactions for a long time, every angle I approach it either ends in us arguing or she starts crying, then I feel like an ass for it getting to that point. Then I back down as guilt takes over and this will just happen again the next time we argue.
She's not willing to address her insecurities, I've mentioned it before and she takes it as an insult, she's said she knows she is emotional and is insecure but won't do anything about it. If i try to help then that goes wrong, so I don't say anything about it anymore as I don't want to poke the bear.
I'd take the path of ending things. Whether it's insecurity at root or something else, it's manifesting as controlling behaviours. And that's unacceptable.
You have spent 6 long years with someone who is clingy.
You know its over.
No hard feelings.....
But move on.
Your post was suffocating to read, not to mind live!
This will never get better.
Read about Sunken Cost Fallacy.
Do not marry her! She sounds like a needy, boring nightmare and will probably get worse in time.
She controlling your reaction with her behaviours. Sorry but this is coercive control in the baby stage. It won't get better. You have to see it for what it is.
That's exactly my thoughts behind it, I've 'sunk' 6 years of time, money and effort into this and thinking that it would be a waste to leave.
Really appreciate the sunk cost fallacy suggestions.
I'm coming to the conclusion that me and my husband are just fundamentally incompatible, and that's been nearly 20 years together! Big things about your basic personalities don't change and neither should they have to - it's almost impossible in both my opinion and experience, especially if there's nothing really wrong with the way either of you are. But you do need to be with someone who works with the way you are. Is it maybe partly because of the amount of time you're at work? I'm not saying that's not ok or necessary, but is that something that's a problem to her? Has she always been like this? Does she have any relevant problems in her past that you're aware of?
If both of you want to and are willing to go to counselling, with compromise on your standpoints being on the table, go for it. Otherwise I can't see this being a happy way to live.
No we don't have any issues with our work times. Her mindset is that life is short and we need to spend every second together. In her mind, anything could happen that could take one of us away such as an illness, disease, fatal accident, etc.
It doesn't matter OP what you want, does it?
It's all about what she wants?
When you question it, she controls you with tears and drama.
Put simply, she's a fxxking nightmare and it will only get worse.
Separate interests, having a hobby is very healthy.......as long as it isn't used to avoid your share of family time/house work/childcare.
Get out. Fast.
Her mindset is that life is short
It's not you know. That is a smokescreen.
If she really thought that should be out and about doing things.
Trying new things.
Enjoying every second, not sitting on a couch every night.
So stop listening to that bullshit
I do think there is two sides to this. Your side is totally valid, but you do work very long hours and have your own hobbies so I think she just wants to spend time with you and is hurt when you don't.
If my DP was out all day working and then, when home, ate dinner I had cooked and went off to do hobbies and leaving me on my own I would be unhappy.
I think it's worth trying counselling or even discussing it together to ask how she feels? I am not saying you are in the wrong at all, by the way, I completely see your side. But I can see the other too.
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