Moving in together

[FreedomBird]

Planned to move in together and had been making plans for a while. It all finalised just before lockdown so we now have the added pressure of that!

DP won’t let me keep my toothbrush in a separate pot and wants it in his pot. Wants my kids toothbrushes away when they’re not here.

(Coparenting with ex so despite lockdown the kids will be moving between me and ex)

He feels he’s compromised a lot because he’s suddenly gone from 2 people to 5 in his house.

I feel a little annoyed by this arbitrary toothbrush rule.

Please talk me through it so the ridiculousness of this scenario doesn’t drive me to murder.

Thank you

[JorisBonson]

He sounds controlling OP.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Can you move out again? No way I'd be dictated to like that. He's shown his true colours.

[FreedomBird]

He is wonderful. Truly wonderful.

But. Wtf.

I kind of feel this is my home now and if I want my toothbrush in my own pot then I can.

His justification is he doesn’t like clutter.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If he is already acting like this over something as innocuous as toothbrushes I would be thinking twice about moving in with such a person. What is he going to be like with the bigger issues like bills and your children to name but two?. On a wider level as well I would be reevaluating this relationship as a whole.

[FreedomBird]

I’m considering the fact that I might need to move out again. It’d break my heart but I just don’t cope well with being managed on this level. It’s causing arguments.

[FreedomBird]

I really don’t want to hear that I need to re-evaluate the relationship. I’m trying not to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Argh!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

So he does not like clutter eh?. Hmmm. I think he fully expects you now to work around him and his ways in his home.

What is the current situation re the property, is it still very much his only in terms of tenancy and or mortgage?

[user1493413286]

If he is truly lovely and this isn’t the top of the iceberg then I’d say I think you need to pick your battles; DH has some things that bother him in the house that I don’t understand and the same with me so we accept each other’s slightly weird wishes because we both know we have them and it’s important to each other. Moving in together is tough and i remember a lot of arguments so the current enforced isolation will put more pressure on you both/
Also I put my DSDs toiletries away when she’s not here as I dislike clutter.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Your toothbrushes in the same pot is an aside issue. But He feels he’s compromised a lot because he’s suddenly gone from 2 people to 5 in his house is an enormous red flag. You and your kids are a package and you both knew that before you moved in. I don't see him thinking that makes him remotely wonderful. But if you stay the behaviour will ramp up.

[goldpartyhat]

Well he has compromised his tidy, organised home to accommodate you and 3 children, so maybe you should compromise over this minor issue of toothbrushes?

You both need to accommodate one another, it's called living together. It sounds to me as though both of you are not yet ready for this step.

[Justmuddlingalong]

How will he cope with the clutter that invariably comes when the kids are staying. Will you feel confident defending your kids right to play, or will you change their behaviour to pacify his need for no clutter?

[ChangedMyNameYetAgain]

I've had someone move in and it didn't work out,

The toothbrush thing is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

It's not going to work out. If you can, get out now. It doesn't mean that you need to end the relationship, but it's not your home, it's his.

[RandomMess]

So he lived him and his child (2) then you and 2 DC moved in (5)?

So does his DC have their stuff put out of sight when they are away?

[BumbleBeee69]

I'm not buying the...

He's WONDERFUL truly WONDERFUL bullshit tbh OP..

the man wants to pretend your kids do not exist.. by hiding their toothbrushes out of sight.. when they are Dads place..

This is a relationship that is fucked up already....

Get out NOW... for your kids sakes

[MikeUniformMike]

It's a big change for him. I'd struggle to cope if a DP and 3 kids moved in. I've lived alone for some time now.

I'd move out. Your kids need a home with you, not be occasional visitors.

Have you been together long? Was the moving in properly thought through?

Not particularly relevant, but are you the DM or DD of the DC?

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

Better to do a mountain out of a molehill, than a molehill out of a mountain.

You have moved in and he instantly decides you have no right to keep your brush separated while he insists the ones of your kids need to stay away?

It is early days, but those are red flags.

[PositiveVibez]

I think you know deep down something is not quite right here.

The hiding of the kids toothbrushes thing is a bit weird. Do they like him?

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

If you are not sure, do this test at month intervals:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

[TheMotherofAllDilemmas]

Or better said, does he like them?

[Musti]

I think if someone is very clean and tidy then moving 3 kids in may be a real shock to the system. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about the reality of children.

[PicsInRed]

He's not wonderful.

He sounds fucking mental.

[Otter71]

How long have you been with this man? What do the kids think of him? This may be a small issue or part of a way bigger one. Only time will tell. Read living with the dominator and be careful.

[VanGoghsDog]

Why do you need separate toothbrush pots, that's just silly.

I'd share the toothbrush pot. But I'd watch out for other areas of conflict. It sounds like you need to communicate more.