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Domestic violence-I feel it was half my fault

(43 Posts)
Loula82 Thu 26-Mar-20 05:20:58

My DP was arrested a few nights ago for DV and I'm feeling really awful about the whole thing and so guilty. It had happened 2 nights previously as well and the neighbours called the police because of the noise. At that time I said I didn't want to report him. But then it happened a few nights ago and when the police were called again by the neighbours I agreed they could arrest him and he spent the night in a police cell. He is now currently on bail and with his mum and dad.

I have since decided I don't want it to go to court as I honestly can't face it and feel the whole thing was half my fault anyway. One of his bail conditions is to not have any contact at all with me and so I've only been in touch with his mum. Apparently he's very depressed about the situation. He threw things around, grabbed my arms tightly leaving numerous bruises, pulled my hair, slapped me around the face and pinned me down on the bed and wouldn't let me go for absolutely ages. As a former victim of rape this absolutely terrified me and I've been having nightmares. I have to say though that when he finally let me go I was so livid that I also tried to give him a few slaps, said he was a fucking assholes and told him never to touch me again.

Both my DP and I have alcohol issues and were drinking heavily on those 2 occasions. The problem is that he has also lost it on occasion when sober and has pinned me up against the wall or bruised my arms to the extent I have had to cover them up with a cardigan in case people in work ask questions.

I feel guilty about what happened as I am a horrible drunk and have a really sharp and cutting tongue. I know I said some awful things to him. I'm also absolutely mortified about what the neighbours must think. We only moved in together 6 weeks ago!

I don't really know what I want from this post. Sorry! I just needed to write this down as can't sleep. I know I was wrong for hitting him too and for being so absolutely horrible. sad sometimes words can nearly be worse abuse than physical.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Thu 26-Mar-20 05:29:21

sometimes words can nearly be worse abuse than physical

Possibly. But words can't put you in hospital, or deprive a child of its parent.

I'm glad you are safe right now. From what you have posted, the latest abuse that he gave you was in no way a 50/50 situation.

I strongly suggest calling Womens Aid. With the current situation they are very busy but keep trying.

Do you have DC together? Are you renting, did you move into his or him into yours?

Loula82 Thu 26-Mar-20 05:37:15

Thanks so much for the reply this late into the night/early in the morning depending on how you look at it. He was living with his parents and took out the tenancy in his name only. In some ways I let him do that so I wasn't tied to him as I had an inkling we might not work out living together because of the alcohol issues. The problem now is that I have nowhere to go should he decide he wants to come back here. It's clear to me that we can't continue to live together.

We have no children but I do have animals so it could be difficult to find a place to stay, especially with the current situation in the country. I have my tenancy on my previous flat until next month but it is so far away from where I moved to and I can't possibly travel that distance all the time. I'm at a loss to know what to do.

I'm glad he hasn't been allowed to contact me as it is giving me time to think. I was hoping he maybe would continue to stay on with his parents and I could take over the tenancy in this place. Possibly asking too much though!

Francesthemute Thu 26-Mar-20 05:43:53

You are not responsible for anyone else’s actions. He could have walked away. I’m sorry this has happened to you, you mustn’t blame yourself.

sneeuw Thu 26-Mar-20 05:49:27

Not 50-50. Maybe you shouldn't have said certain things. He had choices of how to respond. He chose to hurt you physically - and mimic a rape situation, which is disgusting. What he did was unquestionably wrong. The neighbours knew. The police knew. Trust them.

I have my tenancy on my previous flat until next month but it is so far away from where I moved to and I can't possibly travel that distance all the time. I'm at a loss to know what to do.

I'm wondering why you would need to travel that distance all the time right now if we're supposed to be staying at home. Maybe this is the perfect time to move - and you won't be turfed out of there as long as lockdown is on.

Landlubber2019 Thu 26-Mar-20 05:50:10

Please contact woman's aid and get some proper advice.

Please don't contact this man again outside of the housing arrangements as you should not be in a relationship together. You shouldn't feel bad about what happened but if you realise you are a horrible drunk, please reduce the amount you are drinking flowers

LangSpartacusCleg Thu 26-Mar-20 05:55:51



You are 100% responsible for your actions.

And he is 100% responsible for his actions.

He slapped your face, left bruises on your arms, pinned you to th embed. He is 100% responsible for that.

You have said that you have a problem with alcohol. May I (gently) suggest that now might be a good time to google AA and go to a meeting. There are lots of online meetings at the moment because of the lockdown.

Fatted Thu 26-Mar-20 05:55:52

In all honesty OP, the matter will likely have to go to court, whether you want it to or not. With domestic violence cases, positive action is taken. Meaning cases will continue to court with or without the support of the victim.

The courts were I am currently aren't holding any hearings for a while, so he is likely to be on bail not to contact you for the foreseeable. I'd say now is the time to get things in order with the tenancy and your living arrangements.

Iambloodystarving Thu 26-Mar-20 06:06:52

Go back to your flat asap.
You cannot be evicted at the moment due to Covid (I think but check that).
Do some thinking about your drinking (it may very well be linked to the rape).
Use this time to create a future for yourself - wouldn't it be wonderful?
The boyfriend should do the same on his own in his own place.
You know this guy is a one way ticket to a Very.Bad.Place.
Like yourself enough to walk away.

MarieG10 Thu 26-Mar-20 06:09:22

What violence is in a relationship, it is u likely to stop so realise the relationship is toxic, move out and away and sort yourself out.

Not related or justifying any violence at all but having a cutting tongue is not good for a relationship, but I suspect that will be the drink

Loula82 Thu 26-Mar-20 06:13:29

Thanks very much everyone. All advice is very much appreciated. I will phone Women's Aid in the morning to find out my options.

An issue with the other house is that I literally cleared every item from it last week and paid a lot of money to a removal firm to do this. I have no money left to do that again. I also moved my utilities to this new house eg broadband/TV so if I move and am in lock down I will be really stuck. Arghh, it's a bit of a nightmare so I'll need to get my thinking cap on.

As regards what the neighbours would have heard, it would have been 'let me go, let me go' screamed over and over by me. He has pinned me down before and as I said I've had nightmares about it. To me nothing feels worse than being physically retrained. In a sober argument before where he feels I'm getting too heated he will either hug me to the point of nearly half choking me it's so hard or forcibly hold my wrists to tell me to calm down. I hate it so much and it makes me really angry.

To those who commented on the drink, it really is an issue for both of us. He can go longer periods of not drinking than me but even when he's sober, he's always miserable and complaining. I just want positivity and happiness in my life and it looks like I'll have to find that on my own. I have been to AA before but didn't consistently go to meetings or give it a fair shot. I like the idea of online meetings because this isn't a large town and I don't want anybody to gossip. There'll be enough of that after what happened this past week! I honestly do want to be sober. It's just so hard not to listen to that little voice in my head that creeps in telling me it's easier to drink to block my bad feelings out. Hopefully that's where AA can help.

Wereallsquare Thu 26-Mar-20 06:33:23

My sister was murdered by her husband. They both abused alcohol. My sister kept getting back together with her murderer time and time again. She found every reason to go back to him. Pure madness. And then he murdered her. It was not quick. She suffered.

Reading your post makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. I see exactly how this will end if you do not end things immediately. This man will murder you if you get back with him.

Think of your pets if you do not value your own life. Rehome them if you need to.

Tell your friends and family what is going on and get their support. Save your life.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 09:33:43

Cutting words deserve cutting words back.

They don't deserve physical violence, especially from someone bigger and stronger who's a real risk/threat to the other person, whether that's accidental or not.

He had no right to cross that line, no right to hit you, rough you up, hold you down etc. It wouldn't be ok if it was once but the fact that it's been several times, both sober and drunk, ... Means it's common behaviour for him, and he's likely to keep returning to it.

I know it's hurts and it's very hard but it sounds like the only healthy option for you is to get out and stay out of this relationship.

You will recover in time.

Your own drinking and your experience of rape; you obviously know you need every bit of help you can get with those.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 09:35:04

Oh and I know you think it's you/your dynamic with him, but I guarantee he's done similar with previous women .. this rarely if never comes out of nowhere, with only one person.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 09:36:13

You don't have ties with him like kids and that's a blessing. Take your chance for a better life and run.

UseByDateExpired Thu 26-Mar-20 09:47:59

In the first place it is not your fault.

Please stop contact with his parents, you don’t need to hear how depressed he is and you are not responsible for his emotional responses.

Look: you have lived together 6 weeks and neighbours called the police twice. You simply cannot live together.

You are really vulnerable. I am so sorry to hear you have been raped. You need support and security, not a violent drunk.

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor? Some things you could do are call Rape Crisis or look at the Freedom Programme.

Women’s Aid or Shelter may be able to advise on your housing situation.

Take care of yourself, OP, you are worth it flowers

Loula82 Thu 26-Mar-20 10:25:56

Thank you everyone. You have definitely given me food for thought as I was feeling really guilty but not so much now. I have come to the decision that we definitely can't live or be together anymore. It's toxic. Just need to spend these next couple of weeks putting together a plan of action.

I actually got my new job so I could move and be with him and thought it would be a fresh start for the both of us. I've done that classic thing where I have isolated myself from my family as they are now over 70 miles away. sad The good thing is I love my new job and get on really well with my new boss so I can still be OK here but living on my own.

I asked him before of he was ever violent with his ex as I suspected this hadn't come from nowhere. He promised that he had never done anything like this before and that he is not a violent person, it's just that the things I have said to him are mental torture and he snaps and can't take it.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:29:52

I asked him before of he was ever violent with his ex as I suspected this hadn't come from nowhere. He promised that he had never done anything like this before and that he is not a violent person, it's just that the things I have said to him are mental torture and he snaps and can't take it.

Not sure I believe him.

Men who are violent are often delusional/in denial about it.

There's always an excuse or a mitigating factor.

I remember a poster on here's violent partner being horrified that he had to go for sessions with a "pile of scumbags" - you see he wasn't one and ax different for them, except for being repeatedly vile t enough to his partner to have ended up there.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:30:29


Mary1935 Thu 26-Mar-20 10:32:35

Get away now - they do not change at all.
Lots of us have been there.
Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.
Call women’s aid if you can get through.
Go no contact if you can.
He will say anything to get you back.
Don’t engage with his mother - she hasn’t got your best interests at heart.
He will be charged. You can ask for a restraining order.
Stay away from him and stay safe.
It’s not your fault.
Address your drinking for you.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:33:00

just that the things I have said to him are mental torture and he snaps and can't take it.

Then his options are to walk away or return the things you said ... Not push you around, hit you, hold you down etc etc. That's his decision/default. He didn't have to do that. He could've just said "fuck this, I'm not listening to any more of this" etc. and walked instead of being violent towards you.

Inappropriatefemale Thu 26-Mar-20 10:35:19

Do you feel it’s half your fault because so many DV victims will feel that it’s their own fault or do you feel that you provoked him?

If he says not guilty then you will have to go and if he says guilty then he could go to jail and you don’t have the option to drop charges or anything as it’s not up to you and they may well think he coerced you anyway.

Sending flowers

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:35:24

He can't even blame the reduced thinking/inhibitions caused by alcohol because you said he's been physical/violent sober as well.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:36:44

Have you ever done a disclosure on him for previous DV? Might be worth it; of course even if he had no record at all, that means nothing. This sort of thing is not reported so much of the time.

GilbertMarkham Thu 26-Mar-20 10:37:59

Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that.

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