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Is it time to leave 10 year marriage

(5 Posts)
Bettertoday Wed 25-Mar-20 22:13:08

I have two under 5s and been married for 10 years but been having doubts for a long while. OH knows I'm unhappy but refuses counselling or talking. He says he's happy and it's just me that has high expectations and thinks i'll never be happy. Main issues are his heavy drinking, he doesn't talk much at all or kiss me hello when he gets in from work, he doesn't like going out, our taste in music and TV is more different than ever, he often ignores me which drives me mad, he rarely shows affection unless it's for sex, hes good with the kids but takes it for granted the things I do for us as a family. He has no empathy and very little interest in my life ie my job or interests. When we get time on our own for a meal out or something it often ends in arguments as I try to have a heart to heart and hes bored of hearing it. Tried to encourage him to get a hobby but he's not keen. I often go out with friends thst are in couples and he'd rather stay home so I feel like I'm on my own. It's like we're just cohabiting. Good things include him being a good dad, he's a good man, he's been through a lot (I think he's depressed but he won't do anything about it just drinks) he does a lot round the house, he's funny and good company when he's had a good drink and shows his love in small gestures, my family love him. I feel like the love is fading and I'm tired of going over the same things knowing it won't change. Am I asking too much? I want to hold his hand if we're out, I want him to talk through our day together and share some interests. I can't stop thinking that someone else would treat me better or I'd be happier being single. And I feel like I carry him. We both work hard but I do eveything on top of that, finances, school runs, Housework, cooking, etc etc. And when I ask for his help he just tells me to stop stressing or go and see a counsellor. But how do people break up? What about the poor kids? Finances? Mortgage? Memories? Starting over? I worry it will break him and I'll be more unhappy. He moved away from his friends so that we could afford a house and be near my family but I fear he will have nothing. We've sent so much doing our home up too we'd have to give it all up. I love him and care for him so much but I can't help but think that I'll always be unhappy. I've had counselling and on antidepressants and have a good job, amazing friends and family although Not sure my family will agree with a divorce as its a sign of giving up. But I just don't know how to make it work. Please help, not told a soul I feel this way xx

KellyHall Wed 25-Mar-20 22:19:24

I made a life rota. It splits the chores equally, according to how many hours of paid work we do outside the home and includes two evenings which are t.v./phone free where we have to interract. We play board games or card games or just talk about whatever, we do not have a heart to heart, we just enjoy each other's company.
I told my dh we had to change our lives or he had to move out, the rota was part of the deal.

Resentment is poison and being ignored leads to enforced heart to hearts which can actually spoil what might have otherwise been a lovely time together.

Basically, get your exit plan ready so he knows you're serious and give him a real ultimatum. But only when you're prepared for him to chose the option of splitting up.

Bettertoday Wed 25-Mar-20 22:42:52

Thats sound advice thank you. No idea what the exit plan will look like but I think I need to start with putting some tangible life improvements in place. A rota is his idea of hell so I cant see him reacting well!

Anothernick Wed 25-Mar-20 23:10:27

Is it really him, or is it just your depression and life in general? I'm sure most couples with small children and busy lives have had the same thoughts as you - we certainly did. The other one isn't pulling their weight, we are more like house sharers than a couple etc etc. You say that he doesn't share your interests, taste in music etc but you must have always known that? Or is it a new thing? Its quite possible to make a successful relationship without a great deal of shared interests. I suggest that your depression is causing you to see him in a negative light, there is always a tendency to believe that the grass is greener elsewhere but this is rarely true in reality.

Seaside1234 Thu 26-Mar-20 15:39:55

Ha, are you married to my husband? I know EXACTLY how you feel. Individually all the things I do that he doesn't do are minor, but they add up to a hell of a lot of stuff in the end. Totally agree with the feeling that you're just co-habiting. I think there's a very good chance that he's depressed (my DH has chronic depression, which he is on treatment for but is reluctant to talk about and has dealt with by drinking at times). Would he/you consider marriage counselling? Is it worth broaching seeking help for possible depression? Our situation previously deteriorated to the point that he had an affair and we nearly split up, so it's not just low level stuff.

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