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Did you split up with your OH because they wouldn't/can';t talk about things?

(52 Posts)
fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 14:43:34

Regular poster ... namechanger ... you know the score

It looks like dh and I are on the verge of splitting up. Main reason being, he is a talker and I'm not. We have rows which go unresolved for days because I just don't discuss the situation. I hold my hands up - I'm crap at it! I know it's usually the bloke who doesn't talk, well its me in this one. But is it something that people actually get to splitting up point over? Just wondering if dh is being unreasonable by telling me he is leaving because I don't discuss things with him.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Sep-07 14:46:07

I'm not a talker, either.

I think he's being unreasonable.

He knew you weren't a talker when he married you.

DH isn't a talker, either.

I couldn't live with someone who was. It would drive me spare and I'd have never married DH had he been the kind who had to talk things to death.

fluffyanimal Mon 10-Sep-07 14:47:03

Oh dear, sorry to hear this.

Coming from another non-talker here, I would say yes it is possible to split up over such issues, and it has been a serious problem for me in the past. I had to accept that I needed to communicate more/better and fortunately we got through it.

Do you know why you find it difficult to talk? Would you be prepared to get help with it? (Difficult in itself because most help of this kind involves talking...) Anyway, I feel for you and hope you find a way through, but you really do need to overcome your problem.

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 14:48:44

Hmm, I think you are right to a point, expat - I've never really been a talker. But I don't think either of us could have imagined it would cause such a problem though.

The thing is, I really can't. He was sat there saying "If you won't talk to me about what's going on, then I will leave as I have had enough of this" - and still I didn't know what to say! Except "Oh".

suzycreamcheese Mon 10-Sep-07 14:49:10

what sort of stuff do you mean?
am not sure, relationship stuff, parental, life and the universe, cost of a pinta...?

dont mean to sound flippant,
sorry its got to this anyhow..

Mumpbump Mon 10-Sep-07 14:49:12

I don't think you'd split up with someone 'cos they weren't a talker, but talking is usually the way to resolve issues so if you found that you were unable to resolve issues because the other person wouldn't talk things through, then you might walk away from the relationship. I'm the talker and always said to dh from the early days of us cohabiting that if things went bad, would he promise to go to counselling before giving up. He did and I found that very comforting. My parents never "talked" properly and their issues just got bigger over time...

evenhope Mon 10-Sep-07 14:49:25

My DH won't talk about anything important. If we row he sulks and/ or changes the subject. It is so annoying. I have seriously considered leaving because of it, so yes I can sympathise with your DH.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Sep-07 14:51:05

But why is it necessarily a problem that she's not a talker, animal? I mean, why does that mean she needs help?

Why not he needs help because he knew what she was like when he married her and now he can't hang with it?

You know?

Some people just aren't talkers. They either aren't as affected or they deal with things differently.

Personally I think people fecking over-analyse and over-think things to death these days and are by and large unhappier for it.

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 14:51:11

Fluffyanimal - I find it difficult to express my feelings. Also (though he would never acknowledge it in a million years) I find dh's aggressive attitude in a "row situation" makes me clam up. If he was gentler about it I'm sure I would talk more, but he is a shouter (doesn't like that about himself, but he is). However if I even suggest this he says that I am turning the situation round and putting all the blame on him.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Sep-07 14:51:57

Some people express their feelings through mediums other than talking.

It's like love, there are so many different kinds of it in the world.

suzycreamcheese Mon 10-Sep-07 14:53:50

a relationship without communication cant work imho

at what level are we talking?
i hate people who do something to death over analyse constant on and on but..talking is part of relationship important part ime

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 14:55:22

suzy - rows start over anything - even very small things like whether or not I fed the dog at the right time or forgot to pass on a phone message - but then escalate because as evenhope says, I tend to sulk about it then change the subject. I am not perfect by any means!

Expat I agree with your last statement. The thing is, if I do something wrong, I will apologise for it, though often not straightaway if dh has yelled about it blush. But that is never the end of the matter, and I don't know what to say next.

lulumama Mon 10-Sep-07 14:57:19

communication is key to a good , long lasting relationship , but there are other ways .

can you write him a letter and explain how you feel?

some people do freeze and cannot convey what they feel in words, especially when put on the spot

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 14:57:36

I agree suzy, talking is such an important part of a relationship. In other ways I think we communicate brilliantly. We will often stay awake until the early hours chatting about things and that's lovely.

It's just when it comes to an argument I don't handle things well. Dh won't let it lie and I run out of things to say (especially as he gets mad if I just continue to apologise) and tbh I don't really know what he wants from me at that point.

hanaflower Mon 10-Sep-07 14:59:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyanimal Mon 10-Sep-07 15:00:25

Biscuit, you sound very similar to me, and your dh to mine! I feel for you, I really do, and don't know what to suggest. Fortunately, my dh also learned that he had to be less shouty when we discussed things. Would writing it down help? Maybe you could do with some relationship counselling to help you BOTH to communicate better.

Expat, yes, I'm sure he knew what Biscuit was like when he married her. Obviously we don't know what the specific problem is, but some things you can get away with not talking about (e.g.... i don't know -- dealing with grief) and other things you really do have to talk about. Also when you marry someone you take into account their personality and think you can live with that, but you can't predict the reality of how you feel further down the line.

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 15:00:28

The thing is, I do think that the main reason why I find it so hard to talk is because he is aggressive/shouty and I can't deal with it. However I have tried telling him that in the past and it's a no-go area - I just have to accept that that's the way he is hmm.

He has threatened to leave before but I really think he is serious this time. And I've got to the point now where I'm past trying. I give up - I don't know what he wants.

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 15:02:07

Oh yes sorry a couple of people have mentioned relate - I would definitely give it a go myself but I don't think dh would. I have mentioned it in the past and he dismissed it out of hand. I will try asking him again but I'm not hopeful.

slim22 Mon 10-Sep-07 15:02:42

no talk = no understanding = no sharing = no intention to look in same direction.
No talking means you are not even trying........and sshouting when he knows the effect it has on you = just the same lack of faith in each other.

Make a deal, he stops shouting and intimidating you/you start talking.
Maybe you should just start with talking to a third party (counselling)

Expat, agree with your comment on over analysing but this is not the situation here. They are on the verge of splitting because no talk at all or too much unilateral shouting.

hanaflower Mon 10-Sep-07 15:03:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffyanimal Mon 10-Sep-07 15:05:20

Hmmm, my fellow fluffy, the more you post, the more it sounds like he has the problem and not you, but you feel responsible. Communication is a two-way thing - he might need you to talk back to him, but you need him to talk in a way that doesn't inhibit you. He needs to make changes too.

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 15:07:31

slim I've tried that - he won't accept it sad - he just says that it's my behaviour that makes him so mad that he loses his temper and then he ends up shouting.

I over-censor what I am saying - I want to talk, I really do, but I rehearse what I want to say in my head first, then think, no I can't say that, he will go mad, or I can't say that as I'm then blaming him (but then sometimes I think he should shoulder some of the blame for some situations!)

fluffybiscuit Mon 10-Sep-07 15:08:50

hana - this might sound very big-headed but I'm worried that if I went to a counsellor then they would put the blame (or at least some of it) on dh which as I say he will not accept, so it would actually do more harm than good.

slim22 Mon 10-Sep-07 15:09:15

fluffy I may be off limits with my next question (and I apologise if I offend} but I still need to ask:
Do you feel bullied?
It seems to me that's exactly what you are describing. And now he is threatening to leave you because you are shying away from an argument/fight?

fluffyanimal Mon 10-Sep-07 15:09:24

Oh I see, so it's your fault he loses his temper and your fault that you're not communicating hmm.

Break ups are so horrible but it's beginning to sound like you might be better off out of it. sad

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