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Paying Bills on maternity and Feel so unappreciated(23 Posts)
Hi! I’ll try to keep this short . I’m really stuck and would appreciate any opinions and advice. Thanks in advance
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years. He was very loving at first.. lately , not so much.
We have always split the bills equally (his football season ticket was included in this , I had no perks but I let that slide . Stupid me) I have been on statutory maternity pay for 6 months. Husband works full time on a decent wage.
Before I left work , he agreed to put an extra £200 down on the joint bills just while I was getting maternity pay to cover the costs of mortgage etc.
Out of the 6 months , hes only paid the extra £200 one time.. I’ve mentioned it a lot but he just keeps saying he will pay and then doesn’t. So I end up picking extra shifts up when I can while I’m on maternity to try and tie things over and pay my share of the bills. I buy our son literally anything he needs (aside from about 3 Tops that husband has bourght) His relationship with our son is good but he just doesn’t provide much and doesn’t seem to care about me.
He never goes food shopping with me so I end up paying for all of that too else we would have nothing in the house and he would just eat cereal. This leaves me with literally nothing left and living week to week. He knows this but does nothing about it. Ocassionally is we ever go out, he will pay for things however. But I have also.
Am I wrong in what I’m expecting? Am I expecting too much ?
I look after our son all day , cook dinner , do the housework and laundry. Clean up and move things after husband. Even when I was heavily pregnant and ended up having our son early via c section, he didn’t help me with anything in the house and I did all night feeds even on the weekend.
Today has topped it off for me , it’s my first Mother’s Day and he hasn’t even sent me a card .. didn’t even say happy Mother’s Day. And it hurt me bad to be honest because of all the other times he doesn’t appreciate me. I’m heartbroken and lost . Thank you for your time xx
Oh OP that's obviously totally and utterly crap. I'm maybe old fashioned but I think a marriage means that you pool all resources. However, what is very, very wrong is that he isn't contributing for his own child. He is totally taking the piss and I can't see how you could have any respect for him at all.
You need to really lay out on the line that he needs to shape up or you are off. You will be much better off separated.
Pog100 thank you for your reply! I agree with pooling the money but it just never happens. I ask for help with things but For some reason, I still feel guilty asking him for anything and even stuff for our Own child .
A part of me knows that we would be better off seperated and I’ve told him before that I want to , if things don’t change , and he changes for a few days and then back to his old self. In honesty , I’m terrified of having to live seperately from my son and I don’t even understand what happen to your mortgage etc or where I would live .
What a fucking arsehole he is. Honestly, makes you work your arse off whilst pregnant so he can keep his money? He risks your health (no help after a c section and seeing you run yourself ragged whilst pregnant) for his financial gain. And can't even be arsed getting you a card A CARD for fucks sake for your first mothers day? So totally out of order. No wonder you are heartbroken.
I would stop doing anything for him. He doesn't even pay half of your bills (you buy for your child and all the food, so you pay for more than half!). I wouldn't be cooking for him or doing any housework for him. Down tools! How dare he! He expects you to care for the children do all the housework and pay half of bills, all food cost and half of his fucking season ticket!
It's financial abuse.
Thankyou for your reply feministwothtitsin.
You have clarified to me my own thoughts and feelings on the situation. If I say anything to him about how I feel, it’s like it’s twisted and I’m in the wrong. i guess it’s happened quite a few times now that I’ve started to question whether it IS actually me. Now I know it’s not. Thank you . I’m currently sat chilling out while his work clothes are still soaking wet in the washing machine needing to be dried for tomorrow. You are right , I need to not do anything for him.
He hasn’t even acknowledged the fact that he didn’t even get me a card .. I told him and he just said nothing ...
It's most definitely not you. It's not normal to watch someone you are supposed to love struggle and suffer and not want to help.
Leave those clothes in the washing machine. Lazy sod can do it himself. No card? No clean, dry clothes. Seems fair to me
That’s what I keep thinking. I’m far from perfect but I’m so fed up of trying to make things work if it’s all one sided. I just feel bad for our son to be honest.
Haha yeah that seems a fair deal to me too! Thanks for the reassurance
If we get locked down, do you want to spend it with him? Do you have parents around? How old are they? Can you give live with them? And immediately put in a claim.with CMS.
Really, life is too short to waste it with people like him.
Absolutely bizarre. You are caring for your shared baby, doing everything in the house AND expected to pay more than half of your household expenses. I wouldn’t be helping him out with washing, meals etc from now on.
What is he doing with all his spare money? Does he go out a lot?
You need to look at his bank statements OP.
Offer yours up to see, it’s even easier in this day and age with internet banking. Say you are about to get into debt and need to talk about budgeting.
If he gets defensive or pretends some bullshit like he can’t log in etc then something is seriously amiss. He’s either happy to keep sponging off you or he’s hiding something (gambling/ reckless spending/ drugs) that means he isn’t happy to share his money.
I agree with PP, this sounds like financial abuse, blatant exploitation too. What would happen if you stopped buying food for him? What if you stopped working those extra shifts and just left him to pick up the shortfall?
What do you think might happen if you just drew your line in the sand and said NO. Are you afraid of his reaction? If so that should tell you something is wrong here.
I'm not sure you're allowed to pick up shifts whilst on maternity are you?
He sounds like a total shit
You're not allowed to work for any other employer during mat leave. If you do then you must tell the employer who is paying you SMP because the SMP must be stopped, and you might need to pay some back.
This is more than financial abuse. It is emotional abuse and neglect.
Time to gather all your strength and face reality: he has abandoned you. He may be with you physically, but you are essentially on your own.
1. Collect and copy all financial information: bank and investment statements, house deeds, mortgage, salary slips, P60s, pensions (the latter can be more valuable than house equity!)
2. Ditto marriage and birth certificates
3. Read up at Wikivorce and get one or two books about the divorce process, particularly about division of assets.
4. Do your homework, i.e. collate everything and fill in as much of the divorce forms as you can as this will save you lots of expensive legal fees.
5. See a competent family solicitor. Don't try to do this on your own, whatever he says. Chances are you'll get at least 50% of gross assets, potentially even more.
This isn't what you want, let alone what you deserve. But better to make it clear that you mean business than plead with him to get his act together. He won't. For whatever reason he has checked out. Best you can do is make it clear that you won't put up with his shit.
He has had no consequences to his actions.
Give him a long list of shopping to pick up.
Work out how much his missed payments are. Write it down. Hand it to him saying, "This is how much you owe me. I need that payment now.".
He will resist because he has a single mans life which he won't want to give up.
You can change this if you don't back down. Good luck OP x
What flowerarranger wrote; financially/economically abusive men like your husband are not solely financially abusive either. He is also emotionally abusive towards you. He does not want to share "his money" and has never wanted to share either, such entitled men do not change.
I would put in place now a firm plan to leave him because this is not going to get at all better for you and your child. I would also try and contact Womens Aid and read too about financial abuse. There is a link here which I would encourage you to read;-
OP, please read the above repeatedly.
You are in a deeply abusive relationship with a horrible prick.
Expect absolutely nothing from him.
He knows exactly what he is doing.
Make plans and get him out.
Tell family and friends EXACTLY how he has behaved.
Your husband is utter SCUM.
Wishing you well.
Thanks everyone so much for your replies and taking the time to read this. Obviously with the way the world is right now I’m a bit stuck for a while but I’ve done nothing else for him . My biggest worry is We both own the house so how do I get out of here ? What do I do with our child ? Really I’m worried financially if I leave where do I go and petrified of leaving my child. Not that he would harm him But I honestly can’t bare the thought of having to be away from him for parts of the week... is anyone else here seperated with children ? Xx
I've been a single parent for 6 years. We didnt see my ex for 5 of those years; he had no interest. He turned up a year ago asking for contact. We went slowly, and he now sees them once a week so I have it quite good. I only miss them for around 8 hours a week, but its very hard seeing them go and not knowing what they're doing, what they're eating, if they're having fun, if he's shouting at them. They've gone for 3 overnights, and on the first night I was walking around the house at 2am because I couldnt sleep. I actually went into their rooms and remade their beds. It was just so strange. But the next 2 times were easier. It gets easier.
It's never not hard to be away from them, but it becomes routine and it becomea just normal. You find things to do and sometimes you actually enjoy the time to yourself.
My ex was like this when the kids were small. They are teens so mat leave was much shorter. I had to go back asap because I was trying to pay half the bills and had nothing left. Then I put DS in nursery and he somehow thought that was just my expense and I still had to pay half the 'proper' bills. Couldn't make ends meet. He was laughing and eventually showed me how much he was saving each month while I couldn't afford anything and was still going further into debt. Just one of the many reasons I should have left much sooner...
He’s taking the pods because you let him get on his case to put the £200 in and make him set up direct debit. If that was me I’d still pay the bills but I’d say oh can’t afford to pay water bill/electric/another bill this month and buy the bare minimum from shopping and if he questions why, well he has a brain he can work it out for himself
OP... plenty Mums on here are survivors or financial and other abuse... and will give fantastic advice ... you can do this without this TWAT... good luck lady
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