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I don’t know what to do about my family

(36 Posts)
crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 19:30:42

I posted a few weeks ago then deleted the thread as I ended up giving away too many details:

My family laid into my about my DH unfairly. They have caused considerable upset. My relationship with them is very up and down - we spend too much time together and are too involved in each other’s lives and I am the punching bag of the family whilst my brothers get away with murder.

Since this dispute, one brother has apologised and we have moved on. The other and his fiancée have absolutely avoided me, did not text or call on my birthday which was hurtful as I always make a huge effort for them, and have not offered to make amends for the unpleasant things they said.

My mother....DH and I have asked my mother repeatedly to apologise. She is someone who hates apologies and just won’t do it. It’s very awkward - she lives round the corner, she sees DS frequently and we share a horse and there are practicalities we must discuss several times a week about this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see why she should be allowed to come round to our place and other such stuff if she won’t apologise for being so fucking nasty. I am really looking for a way to compartmentalise everything but due to DS and horse I can’t shut her out. Even now if she doesn’t come
round to isolation she is still constantly messaging re DS and the horse! Some of it is pleasant and helpful it’s a complete head fuck tbh.

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 19:33:09

*me
*due to

Christ - sorry for
Typos

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock Sun 22-Mar-20 19:38:40

If it really is unfairly and relationships are strained anyways, take advantage of this to keep contact to minimum. Reply only when needed,keep it light and breezy and don't reply to any negative comments. As soon as she starts just put the phone away.

stophuggingme Sun 22-Mar-20 19:40:15

Aren’t you the reins poster?
I thought you had a great relationship with your mother?

Aerial2020 Sun 22-Mar-20 19:44:46

Grey rock then gradually distance yourself

EKGEMS Sun 22-Mar-20 20:10:59

Tell her you refuse to discuss a horse while she's behaving like a horse's ass!

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 20:22:21

@stophuggingme

Yes - I usually post all the shit and problems under another username.

Our relationship is incredibly up and down. It’s a classic “things are great” when I am doing everything to win her approval and we get on very well. But if I don’t follow the carrot on a stick and dare to do something she doesn’t approve of eg not be used as a punching bag, all hell breaks lose.

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 20:22:42

*loose

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 20:22:54

@EKGEMS

Ha!

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 20:23:46

We have quite a dark history really - she has been fairly emotionally abusive in my
Childhood etc. Difficult to forgive and forget but I have managed in most cases. I am not able to deal with her well and I find this sort of rejection from her and siblings very challenging

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 21:14:29

She has literally just messaged me on a group chat in front of others to ask why she didn’t get a card for Mother’s Day and is it w “punishment” like her birthday last year (we bought her a wine tasting gift and a card but not a TV as originally planned because she called difficult and said it was the fault of my parenting. Same birthday one brother didn’t even get a card for her and she said nothing).

I despair.

CallmeAngelina Sun 22-Mar-20 21:35:32

Hang on, is this the mother who insisted on buying a horse against your wishes and is now insisting you pay half towards its upkeep?

Aerial2020 Sun 22-Mar-20 22:02:14

Mute the what's app group.
Don't respond. Stop feeding her drama.
Remove yourself. Boundaries.
Read up on toxics parenting

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 22:06:21

@CallmeAngelina

No - no that’s not me. Not THAT dissimilar though. We both wanted the horse but the agreement was initially that, since I’m
Pregnant and not riding for the foreseeable future, we would split costs 1/3 to 2/3. Obviously she did renege on that dramatically and we are now 50/50 despite her riding 4-5 times a week and me going 1-2 a week for a cuddle 🙄

crispysausagerolls Sun 22-Mar-20 22:08:32

@Aerial2020

Tbh the latest message has given me a pretty good window to do just that without feeling unreasonable.

12345kbm Mon 23-Mar-20 13:40:33

OP it seems as though you keep going back because you think things will change. The really difficult thing to accept with families is - this is it. It's not going to change. Dysfunctional families have roles and yours is scapegoat.

You need to either suck up your mother's constant abuse and feel awful while it has a detrimental affect on your mental health or, you accept that you need to protect yourself from dysfunctional people and take action to protect yourself.

Make a stand OP. Tell her that her behaviour is not ok, that it's not ok for her to humiliate you in front of others, that it's not ok for her to criticise you etc etc It's not ok. Then tell her the consequences of her actions should she continue. If you do that again, I'm blocking you on Whatsapp.

Go low contact, which means weekly contact for example. Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. She'll either fall into line or you'll end up going low to no contact. If she's very abusive, she'll escalate when you put your foot down and perhaps get everyone else involved to bully you. Be prepared for lots of low tricks such as suicide threats or sudden illnesses.

If your brothers are bullying you, then you need to block them. It's going to be hard OP, people expect you to behave in a certain way but the worm has turned.

crispysausagerolls Mon 23-Mar-20 14:16:56

@12345kbm

Thank you - this is An extremely wonderful post and I will screenshot it and keep reading

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Mon 23-Mar-20 14:34:36

Op, are you the one where everyone got on and there were lots of banter back and forth and all of a sudden your brothers said your DH is not family?

I'm sorry, but your family is not going to change. Please listen to @12345kbm. You're going to have to start distancing yourself from them. Good luck!

crispysausagerolls Mon 23-Mar-20 15:27:17

Turtle

Yes, that is me! It’s the straw that broke the camel’s back really!

monkeymonkey2010 Mon 23-Mar-20 23:58:59

who is the horse registered to?

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit Tue 24-Mar-20 06:04:30

Oh @crispysausagerolls, I know it's hard, but I honestly think it's better if you distance yourself from them. They are never going to be the type of people that you deserve to have in your life. Concentrate on your DH and kids as your family.

MrsKingfisher Tue 24-Mar-20 06:12:12

The new government rules have given you a good opportunity to distance yourself. You shouldn't be mixing with her at all for the next 3 weeks unless she lives with you.

Use this time to not only socially but emotionally distance yourself. You don't need her approval, break the cycle and stand your ground.

TheAugusta Tue 24-Mar-20 14:02:52

I remember your post. Your family behaved really badly towards you and your DH and it sounds like your mum is still behaving in a toxic way. I think you should pull back from them, especially to protect your dc - one silver lining to lockdown is this is a good opportunity to protect yourself! I would also be really annoyed that you are paying half for the horse when you agreed differently - are you ok with that? If not would you be willing to step back? It’s a way for her to stay enmeshed with you.

billy1966 Tue 24-Mar-20 16:10:46

I don't remember posters on here at all OP, but yes I remember your threads about your alcoholic mother who abused you, and you return for more, expecting a different out come.

Your family are absolutely ghastly, and yet have access to your child.

Why would you allow someone who is just awful access to your child.

Things will never change for you OP, while you accept their behaviour on a loop.

You need to stop focusing on trying to change them and make them better, and focus the light on your own behaviour.

Why do you allow them to abuse you over and over again....

Why do you allow them access to your child...

Focus on fixing yourself....it will be a better use of your time.

Because it sounds as if you are living your whole life asking..."why are they like this?"

Good luckflowers

AgentJohnson Wed 25-Mar-20 04:30:33

Because it sounds as if you are living your whole life asking..."why are they like this?

This

Either you choose to distance yourself from the drama llama or you don’t but not choosing is a also a choice.

You can’t keep expecting her to be different, she’s this woman. always has been and always will be.

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