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Is my marriage over to the rat bag dh ?

(53 Posts)
Brainengaged1 Sat 21-Mar-20 21:15:45

Found out he was cheating and confronted him. Three weeks later he is just pretending like nothing happened.
All I can think off is ways to cause harm to him . I can’t stop myself from snooping . Advice please x

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sat 21-Mar-20 21:48:22

The best revenge is your happiness which you will have to find for yourself. He's the kind of person who likes to put his dick in other women. Just end the relationship and let him get on with it. He's not worth tying yourself into knots for

Brainengaged1 Sat 21-Mar-20 22:24:56

Thank you . I’m so sad we have been married for a lifetime . I so want to believe this was a blip , but he isn’t sharing any information with me to help out my mind at rest .

lexiepuppy Sat 21-Mar-20 22:30:31

You need to have some answers off of him, so that you don’t feel the need to snoop!
He needs to let you have this closure so that you can move on.

How long was the affair?
Who was it with?

Do you have children?

Have you had an STI check up.

Once you have had the chat, I would leave him or tell him to leave.

Be prepared to go through a range of emotions, you will need to grieve the relationship.

I felt such intense feelings when I found out my ex narcissistic husband was cheating on me!

I would look up counselling. Or during CV I would check out these relationship counsellors on YouTube:

Susan Winter
Marisa Peer
Matthew Hussey
Derrick Jaxn

Your husband cannot sweep things under the carpet as if nothing has happened.
If you remain with him, you will need a good relationship counsellor.


I0NA Sat 21-Mar-20 22:30:54

That’s because he doesn’t care about your feelings or putting your mind at rest. He wants you to STFU so everything can go back to normal and he can get back to having his cake and eating it.

Brainengaged1 Sat 21-Mar-20 22:37:39

Thanks I have booked in for a counsellor for us .

He was on illicit encounters , meeting us with different women since Late LY.

We have one child together .

I0NA Sat 21-Mar-20 22:53:33

You would be better to go to the counsellor alone.

Ryah1 Sat 21-Mar-20 23:11:26

I agree with I0NA , solo counselling to begin with. It will help you come to terms with the impact of the affair and working towards figuring out what your next steps will be.

Brainengaged1 Sat 21-Mar-20 23:19:03

he’s continuing to play happy families and just bought new underpants ! I feel like rubbing some chillis on them do he thinks he caught something

lexiepuppy Sat 21-Mar-20 23:29:16

He sounds like a psychopath!
Go ahead rub some 🌶 chillies in his pants!
That made me 😂
He deserves an arse kicking as well!

Seriously though get an STI check. flowers

champagneandfromage50 Sun 22-Mar-20 01:02:53

So he cheated and is acting as if nothing has changed. What do you want to happen?

Brainengaged1 Sun 22-Mar-20 04:06:09

I’ve really struggled with his ability to be charming and kind and then let me ‘make’ all the steps to move forward on our situation. Whether it is divorce or counselling . It’s Mother’s Day today and I’m dreading putting on a charade in front of our ds . He smiles when he talk to me now and tries to reconnect through memories .

Wanderlust21 Sun 22-Mar-20 04:55:12

Wtf would you go to counciling with him for? He has no respect for you, that isnt something any councillor can fix.

Have respect for yourself and leave.
It is recommended that you never do joint counceling with someone who manipulates or gaslights. They will only use the sessions to be all 'poor me' or further make you feel like you are the bad guy somehow.

Lynda07 Sun 22-Mar-20 05:09:59

Brainengaged1 Sat 21-Mar-20 23:19:03
he’s continuing to play happy families and just bought new underpants ! I feel like rubbing some chillis on them do he thinks he caught something
What a good plan!

You say he had several encounters with different women since last year. That is disgusting. He really does need to explain things to you, it's the least he owes you.

I agree with what others have said here, I can't see you getting over this and why should you.

Brainengaged1 Sun 22-Mar-20 05:15:07

I guess I want to go to a joint counselling session to see him squirm and confront the truth to another person. Also I’m thinking that I want that forum to be the one true place that I can show him that he has failed in so many ways . I’m hoping that in that type of environment he really ‘gets the impact of his actions and understands what little actions he had done to show true remorse. Even if he doesn’t show remorse I can feel totally vindicated and know that I have tried and my healing can begin . It will be like me having my day in court

Brainengaged1 Sun 22-Mar-20 05:27:27

I’ve got some lovely mouse shit style chillis in the fridge , They will be used this evening . He won’t be able to get help as pharmacy will be closed by time it takes action or doctors surgery for appointment overwhelmed at the moment . I know it’s a rubbish thing to do , but it might humble him a bit for the next few days . Watching him scratch away on the sofa

Wanderlust21 Sun 22-Mar-20 05:38:40

He gets it. He just doesnt care.
He may even persuade the doc you are the one with issues. 'She put chilies in my pants last wk doctor'.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 22-Mar-20 05:57:49 itching powder. Spread in his new boxers. £1.49 for him to think he’s contracted something nasty.... wink

FlowerArranger Sun 22-Mar-20 06:04:47

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation, but what was your relationship like before you found out? You say that you've been together a lifetime, and that he was meeting up with different women since late last year. I'm sure you realise these encounters weren't his first rodeo. Everything you say about him and his behaviour point to him being a seasoned long-term cheater.

Found out he was cheating and confronted him.
How did you find out, and what does `confront` actually mean? Did you just have a meltdown, hoping that he would confess everything?

Three weeks later he is just pretending like nothing happened.
That's because you played all your cards and he could see that you don't have the backbone to actually call his bluff. Sorry, I know this is tough to hear, but you know it's true.

All I can think off is ways to cause harm to him.
Understandable but unhelpful. Revenge is a dish best served cold... For now, focus on looking after your own interests.

I can’t stop myself from snooping.
What have you actually found, and does he know - in which case he'll be busy covering his tracks. More importantly, what else do you actually need to know to decide what to do? Trust, once broken, is difficult to restore, and he is not doing anything to try and mend what he has broken.

I’ve really struggled with his ability to be charming and kind and then let me ‘make’ all the steps to move forward on our situation.
He can see that you are weak. He is just sitting back and waiting for your fury to evaporate. He is letting you make all the steps because he can sense that you don't have the gumption to leave him.

He smiles when he talk to me now and tries to reconnect through memories
Typical hoovering technique. Don't fall for it.

I've been there, done that, so I understand perfectly how overwhelming this is, and how powerless you feel. Can you tell us more about the dynamics of your relationship with you husband. Also, do you work, do you have joint assets, could you make it on your own or are you dependent on him?

You need to take your power back. Don't let him gaslight you. Stop his charm offensive right in its tracks. Don't do the pick-me dance. You don't need to make a decision right now, but don't let him have his cake and eat it. Chumplady will help.

Counselling will also help you, but it absolutely has to be on your own. He would simply use joint counselling as an opportunity to vent about everything that was `wrong` in your marriage and justify his cheating. Here are a couple of books that you'll find useful:

Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (ignore the bible stuff - the advice is solid)

You can do this. flowers
“The key is in learning how to live a healthy, satisfying, and serene life without being dependent on another person for happiness.”
― Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

Brainengaged1 Sun 22-Mar-20 07:12:55

I’ve found out everything and asked him if he’d been cheating because his work pattern had changed. He admitted to most of it . I haven’t revealed to him yet how I found out . I guess I haven’t done this as seeing if he is still using the same methods as before . I know it sounds bonkers , it’s like I almost want to be shown again what a cheat he is .

I have no idea if he had cheated before as this is so out of character , but the website he is on is so duplicitous . A real mr bean Casanova

We are not intimate any more .

HappyMumsie Sun 22-Mar-20 07:24:53

Oh God. How did you find out?

Namechangedyorkshire Sun 22-Mar-20 07:34:36

If he is on illicit encounters...he will have been at it for ages. That is so preplanned, not something that just happened.

If you stay with him you will eternally regret it. I had a friend that tried for 5 years after husband cheated badly and she couldn't let go of what happened and eventually left him. She regrets staying

Brainengaged1 Sun 22-Mar-20 08:08:55

I suspected him when I came home from work earlier and he was not at home . Then I managed to get into his phone and uncovered messages etc. He is tied to his phone so had to wait for proof when he had a bath . The messages were dreadful and he was seeing multiple women at the same time, one was a longer relationship but he ghosted her . Hr doesn’t know that I know all of this . The absolute amateur

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 22-Mar-20 08:25:39

No to joint counselling, seek such on your own. I would tell him now to pack a bag and leave the marital home to give you some space.

Have a read of the Chumplady website. I would also seek legal advice when you are able to do so re divorcing him. Do not remain with a cheat for the sake of the children because it also teaches them really crap lessons about relationships.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Sun 22-Mar-20 08:40:38

Relationship counselling is not any sort of "court" - the counsellor's job is to find common ground and a way forward for both parties. They aren't there to take sides. You are not going to get the validation you seek through joint counselling.

Seek counselling for yourself only - lots of counsellors will be offering Skype sessions right now.

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