Cheating boyfriend

[Worrier247]

My daughter age 20 has been with her boyfriend for 3 years. He has repeatedly cheated on her the the whole time and she keeps forgiving him. He has just done it again, he tricked an 18 year old into sleeping with him by saying he is single and looking for a seriouse relationship. He makes me feel sick and I can't stand to have him in the house anymore. She won't listen to anyone's advice. Any advice please, it's breaking my heart.

[HollowTalk]

I wouldn't have him in the house and I'd tell her why. Remind her there are tons of lovely men around who would love to go out with her. This one is a complete waste of space.

Perhaps get her to think of someone she admires - either someone she knows or a celebrity or an actress playing a part she likes - and ask her how she thinks they'd respond to someone cheating on them.

[Worrier247]

Thank you for your advice. Everyone has told her that he's no good and she can do better but she just won't listen to anything. She's at uni and I'm worried that if I ban him from the house I'll lose my daughter. That's why I've put up with him so far.

[LouMumsnet]

Hi there, @Worrier247 - just to let you know that we've taken down your duplicate threads, as requested.

We hope you get lots of useful advice here and best of luck with it all.

[Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal]

Such a tough situation, I guess all you can do is support her and be there for her when it all comes crashing down. She will hopefully see eventually, maybe encourage her to work on herself esteem and try new hobbies maybe exposure to new things/people may help her see he’s not worth it.

[Worrier247]

Thank you for your support (washyourhands). I feel that part of the reason she is putting up with the cheating is that she is quiet and shy and has been bullied in the past, so I feel she thinks she can't do any better. We have tried and tried to make her see reason, but I think he has her brainwashed that she can't function without him.

[Winterlife]

Can you suggest therapy for your daughter to boost her self esteem? Would she be open to it (not telling her why)?

[Worrier247]

(Winterlife) Thank you for your support. I did manage to persuade her to have therapy. She is seeing a therapist at uni, but it doesn't seem to be having much affect. She took an overdose recently and ended up in hospital..

[Worrier247]

My husband is wondering about stopping giving her financial help for uni etc, if she stays with him. Wondering what your opinion would be on this.

[Wouldyou66]

I don’t think you should stop the financial support, it sounds like she is really struggling mentally if she has overdosed and the best thing you can do is support her and if you don’t think her therapist is helping then look into finding another one? Sometimes it can take time to get the right fit. Please also look at Chumplady. You can also email her. As she has overdosed you could also contact Harmless

[LuluBellaBlue]

Sorry but that sounds an awful idea.
Your daughter is feeling so alone and desperate that she’s tried to commit suicide, stopping supporting her financially would be horrific.
I can’t imagine how I’d fee if my parents did that to me. I’d feel I had no one to turn to or trust.
All you can do is be there for her. Remind her you love her - NO MATTER WHAT and that you’ll always be there for her.
She need support and stability, not emotional blackmail

[Worrier247]

Thank you (wouldyou66 and lulubellablue) I can fully understand your advice. She does need all the support we can give her. I would appreciate your opinion on whether we should ban him from the house though.

[Wouldyou66]

I really don’t know. I would hate to give advice that could lead to further detriment to her mental health and I fear that whichever advice (ban him or don’t ban him) could lead to that. You are in a very difficult position and I think you need external advice. I would possibly speak to a GP or a counsellor yourself. I would encourage your daughter to also see her GP. Has she not received any support from the hospital following the overdose? Any referral?
One thing is for sure though - banning him from your home won’t actually stop them seeing each other.

[Wouldyou66]

In fact I don’t think you should ban him. At least then you can keep an ear out and an eye out for any distress. I know you are feeling worried sick and you want to do something but I would avoid any behaviours your daughter could perceive as “punishment” or negativity. I would only do “positive behaviour” - find ways to show her you love her and care for her and want the best for her. Talk to her regularly, never use judgement or anger. Use empathy. Verbally reassure her often.
Google how to support a loved one with mental health / suicidality. Rethink, NHS, Harmless should all have resources. Consider GP and antidepressant medication - sertraline could be helpful.
Your daughter’s main issue though is poor self-esteem and feeling like she isn’t worth anything better. Perhaps targeted therapy in this area. I would also research this.

[Worrier247]

(Wouldyou66) thank you so much for your helpfull advice. I will look into your recommendations.

[Worrier247]

I get the feeling it's all a game of how much he can get away with before he gets caught, and he's laughing at her the whole time.

[Redredgreen]

It’s a don’t ban him from me. It must be horrible watching this when you know she could do better, but imo it’s pretty difficult to deflect someone from pursuing someone they want. What she wants is him to be nice to her, not to not have him. It is hard to get your head out of that space and realise, actually this is making me miserable and it’s not going to change. It is also her choice at the end of the day, and if you keep going on about it you are also undermining her confidence in her own judgement. I think all you can do is say what you see - you owe her your honest opinion - but then not go on about it.

[CuppaZa]

If you ban him you may push her away. Be there for her and try raise her self esteem every day. Show her how someone who respects and loves her should behave. She’ll get there. I think most of us have had boyfriends like this. She’ll get there

[Worrier247]

Thank you (redredgreen and cuppaZa). Sorry, another question. Does anyone think I should take him to one side and have words? Don't know when I'll see them next, due to the coronavirus they are self quarenteened (in a cottage in the middle of knowwhere and she doesn't drive).

[SandyY2K]

Is she your only child? I'm wondering if she would listen to someone closer her own age...like a sibling, friend or cousin.

Do you know if she is telling the counsellor the true situation? That she stays with a guy who continues to cheat on her?

It's very difficult when you see this happening. My DD is the same age and I wouldn't have such a BF in the house...but would frame it in a different way.

I'd say I'm really struggling to be pleasant to him, knowing how much pain he's caused her and as I don't want an uncomfortable situation, it would be better if she didn't bring him over anymore.

Repeated infidelity is abuse....she needs to see it for what it is. Sadly, ppl with low self esteem are targets for abusers.

She should read this

www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2016/10/14/infidelity-or-domestic-abuse/

[Gobbycop]

Has she got any brothers that can throw him off a bridge?

[Worrier247]

Thank you all for your help. I'm still torn with what to do. I'm considering having words with him but don't know whether I should.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

I'm with @Gobbycop. Arrange to give him a good beating, with a harder one to come if he doesn't dump her now.

On a more serious note, look up 'trauma bonding' and PTSD. Sadly it sounds as though she has been hooked by a misogynist sociopath.

Chump Lady is a great resource.

His behaviour DOES NOT determine her worth.

[Worrier247]

Hi again. My daughter is still stuck with him in this lockdown. And it sounds like she's had more upset with him. I'm thinking of showing her this feed at some point, because I get the feeling she doesn't want to take advice from her parents. So I'm thinking that maybe she will listen to other people, perhaps who've been in a similar situation. Would anyone reading this be able to help by offering her some advice that I can show her. Thanks in advance.