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Some Friendly Words - Support Group 2

(529 Posts)
SuperbMonkey Wed 11-Mar-20 06:39:05

Hi everyone. Here is our new thread, with thanks to @ASmallBoxofChocolateBunnies who started us off on our supportive journey. This is the link to our most recent thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3812516-Some-Friendly-Words-Support-Group?pg=1

This thread is for those of us who have been on the receiving end of ‘the script’ from our husbands and partners. We are each at different stages on the enforced journey that we did not want to take and did not imagine we would ever be taking. We are kind to each other, supportive, giving each other a handhold on the days when we slump. So pull up a chair, and snuggle round, while we share our positive stories and our struggles. You will be made welcome.

Feckthisshit2020 Wed 11-Mar-20 06:55:44

Thank you for starting the new thread @suberpmonkey. Hope you had an ok night.

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 07:05:14

Thank you @SuperbMonkey thanks

Tinydancer123 Wed 11-Mar-20 07:08:40

Thank you xxxx

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 07:11:47

If I may add a few links here at the beginning:

The Script
Men & affairs - what is the script? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1634754-Men-affairs-what-is-the-script#35955837

I found this illuminating especially the section on Romantic Affairs
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199305/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Chump Lady
https://www.chumplady.com/

Accidentalaccountant Wed 11-Mar-20 07:13:30

Morning. Wishing you all a good day. X

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 07:16:28

I just woke up thinking about all those nights where he lay gripping the edge of the mattress, nights I questioned him about that when he should have come clean (I know now he was meeting her every morning to have romantic walks and talks before work at that time). Instead he hugged me and held me close. Because he knew I would kick him out if he told me the truth and what he wanted was home comforts plus affair excitement. Cowardly bastard.

SuperbMonkey Wed 11-Mar-20 07:24:00

Thanks everyone. On a tight deadline today so no time now to tag everyone. @Thrivingnotjustsurviving, thanks very much for those useful links. I know I’ll be clicking into them regularly.

For me today is about surviving, getting through the day. Tomorrow I’ll have time to take proper stock. Today I’m angry! The gripping the edge of the mattress thing was true for my STBXH as well. Pathetic!

Have the best day you can everyone. See you later. xx

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 07:34:01

Good luck today @SuperbMonkey, stay strong, vent here later. We'll be thinking about you xx

Filly2011 Wed 11-Mar-20 07:49:31

Thank you @SuperbMonkey star

Startoftheyear2020 Wed 11-Mar-20 08:23:52

Count me in.

SuperbMonkey Wed 11-Mar-20 09:16:16

Everyone is very welcome. Thanks @Thrivingnotjustsurviving for closing off the last thread so neatly 🌟

I’m having a cup of coffee before my next interview (I’ve lost count of how many I’ve been to now). This would be nearly full time, so would give me much more stability in all respects. I’ve also started telling my less close friends about where I am. This is helping to make it more real.

Xx

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 09:17:41

Good luck @SuperbMonkey - I also have job interviews this week xx

SuperbMonkey Wed 11-Mar-20 09:26:18

@Thrivingnotjustsurviving, good luck too. We are awesomely Mighty. Xx

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 09:29:14

💪💪💪

Bigpooh13 Wed 11-Mar-20 09:48:09

Morning all. Welcome to new thread but cant find it on the app.

Trying hard not to text him.
Just wanna let him know what the solicitor has done. It's just gonna get nasty and I didnt want that . Hes gonna go mad. He gave me the best years of my life and dont want it to end this why

caketimeisover Wed 11-Mar-20 09:58:05

Hello everyone 👋. Well I'm off to a good start this morning, having a cry in the loos at work. Standard Wednesday stuff. Go me.

@Bigpooh13, text is too immediate and intimate/friendly I think. Anything about divorce send a straightforward, professional-sounding email. Then if he is horrid back you have it in writing to demonstrate his ongoing unpleasantness towards you (especially if your solicitor has already told him to back off). You have to distance yourself, be polite and professional. If he wants to be nasty that's on him, you rise above it - but get it all in writing in an email. No more texting, block his number if you have to. He's not being kind and you need to protect yourself.

caketimeisover Wed 11-Mar-20 10:00:08

Also, should we each do a intro again? Not sure I'm across everyone's stories, and might help new joiners too! I can go first:

My story
This year we would have been together 15 years, married 10. 3 kids now 6, 5 and 1. It's 5 months since he confessed to an ongoing affair with a friend of ours that started when I was 6 months pregnant with number 3. He walked out and is still with her now. I filed for divorce, have decree nisi, been through mediation, trying to finalise the financial side of things so I can hit the final divorce button. Longer version: here: www.chumplady.com/2019/12/he-left-3-kids-how-can-he-be-happy/

Thrivingnotjustsurviving Wed 11-Mar-20 10:35:30

@Bigpooh13 caketime's suggestion of sending him a 'formal' email is a good one. Take your time to compose it and put a copy in your Divorce file (we all have one of those right?!). My email Divorce folder means I don't have anything hanging around in my inbox so I have to search it out, which usually means I avoid reading the painful info within in those moments where I want to dwell on it.

I'm on day 5 of radio silence and it's so hard. I feel like it's making life easy for him - out of sight out of mind - but others have assured me that he must be more terrified of it than me, ie the wait for any bombshell. I won't ever know the truth of course.

Intro:
I'm only a few short weeks in from him leaving to be with her after week/months of being emotionally abused while he, as it unsurprisingly turns out, was conducting an affair. Lots of things have been surfacing which has shown me the extent of his lies especially during the time when we were allegedly fixing our marriage.

4piecesofCheeseontoast Wed 11-Mar-20 10:51:31

Hi everyone, egh I don't know what to for the best, so far he's swanning around like nothings happened, asking to pop in to collect this and that bit nothing important like his clothes! I've told him he needs to fill in the divorce papers and pay for it but poor him, he can't get his head round it this week. Now I don't know what to do about the house, I wanted to sell and get out but I wouldneed to go in to rented with the kids, I'm wondering about staying in the house with them at least for now but it's all the ins and outs of it and what if he doesn't pay etc!?! I'm less tearful than I was and I'm trying to get my head round it, have a UC meeting tomorrow and my work have been fab so far and are going to try and gig my hours so I'm less dependent on him being here for the kids. Oh roll on when this is over! 10 year relationship down the bloody shitter.

4piecesofCheeseontoast Wed 11-Mar-20 11:01:15

Sorry just seen we are doing out storys again.

Mine is this: almost a week ago my husband of 5 1/2 years, father of my children 3 1/2 and 10m sat down and told me he doesn't love me anymore and has felt this way for a year. I cried my heart out, had no idea this was coming. I offered marriage counseling and spending more time together but he shrugged at that and said he didn't see how it would help. He's now taken some things to stay at his mums and says he will always be there for the children. I've arranged for him to have them over night a few nights a week from tomorrow so it's clear to him that he needs to step up. So far he's not being nasty or anything and says he wants this to be as amicable as possible. Since finding out that actually is another woman he's interested in (swears nothings happened, I don't believe him) I've done my best to try to sort what I can for me and children to move forward. I still can't believe any of this, it hits me in the morning that it's not all some nasty dream. He'd just booked a family holiday for us in may and we were due to go away for the weekend over mother's day. I feel like an absolute mug, I loved him dearly and would have done anything for him. Well I hope he regrets this.

Filly2011 Wed 11-Mar-20 11:40:35

Hello here is my sorry tale:

I am 60 and have grown up children.

10 months ago my husband of 40 years told me he had been having an affair for 14 months with the wife of a mutual friend. She worked for my dh. He’s been paying her a huge salary plus bonuses for over 10 years. I know her. She’s stayed in my house. I’ve hosted her and her dh for weekends etc.

He explained that it was a great love affair but she had dumped him and gone back to her dh. My dh devastated, said he was having nervous breakdown due to dumping, confided in me because he thought I’d understand (!).

During his affair I was diagnosed with a serious illness but it didn’t stop him shagging her in my home while I was away (either at work or in hospital).

Situation now is that we are separated. he wants to reconcile and we are going to couples counselling. He blames me for whole affair as said my cold behaviour etc forced him to do it. He also told counsellor that he is still in love with her and very upset because he’s “lost her”.

I am still suffering 10 months in. Want to leave him but apprehensive about it. Worried about money fights (he’s got lots). Wish I could just accept it but still feel angry and outraged he’s done this after all these years. Want my old life back. Also loathe OW who despite her behaviour he describes as angel of kindness and goodness. Gah!

Bigpooh13 Wed 11-Mar-20 12:21:19

Thankyou for your advice today. The desire to text is diminishing. I'm taking your advice and will compose an email that I might not sent. I just take my own advice and wait for the heat of the moment and to recover from the feelings before reacting. Its just not in my nature to be nasty and I have spend the best 19 years of my life with him. We will be married 7 years in may.

He blindsided me I August saying he realised he didnt love me enough when i got injured when working on the farm together. I gave my job to work with him. We didnt live on the farm . So after a week he moved into the farm house with his mum. Told me I deserved someone better than him. Said we had a gud life together and I had not done anything wrong but he was a bit bored.
I'm devastated and destroyed by this as ws quite controlling and didnt like me go anywhere without him. I bought up his 3 kids . 1 from his 1st wife who left to be with a hateful woman his 2nd wife she then left him and 5 years later we got together. I was then gobsmacked to discover that his hateful 2nd wife who has given us so much grief over the years had moved into the farmhouse with him and his mum. They now have a bought a house together.
I know 7 months in , feeling stronger but still have wobbles. All the time he was seeing her he was ringing n texting me daily and we saw each other at least 2 a week. He continued to visit and contact me until January when the visits stopped. I now just get shityy phone calls n texts that I no longer answer . Phew got that of my chest.
These threads are my lifeline as I've lost the kids my job my family everything I adored. I was so happy and had no idea he was still in love with her.

Filly2011 Wed 11-Mar-20 12:34:36

@bigpooh13 That is one hell of a story. I feel so angry on your behalf. You brought up his kids!! I very much doubt he was in love with her all that time. These mid life men work on opportunity and start ‘loving’ the woman who approaches them just because they feel a bit bored with DW. I imagine 2 years down the line he’ll do the same to her.

Bigpooh13 Wed 11-Mar-20 13:13:04

Thanks filly. He keeps telling me it wont last n slags her off to me. But they still bought a house together really quickly. I still love n miss him. But hes not the guy I love anymore. Defo midlife crisis.

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