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AIBU to tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more

(215 Posts)

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Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 19:02:48

Situation is I fell pregnant during a fling. He had told me he was single (split 6 months before we met, went to the house he was staying with his friend and friends confirmed). We were together for only 3 months. Found out while together that I was pregnant, split almost immediately. Then found out he had still been with his wife while we were together and that she knew about me but I hadn't known about her. He was all for coming to scans and co-parenting until they go back together officially and then it was that he couldn't deal with it and I had to speak to her and she just gave me abuse. So I just carried on and updated as and when info was needed. He tried to make contact arrangements when I was 2 weeks before birth, demanding 50/50 from birth and baby to have his choice of first name and his surname.

Shockingly I disagreed.

He has met my DS once about 3 days after birth, when he turned up at hospital demanding DNA test. Did this, didn't hear from him for about 6 weeks by which time I had registered DS. hr then demanded to pick up DS and take him to meet his family, despite never having spoken to or held my son.

Shockingly I again said no.

Heard no further so life has carried on. Son has kidney and chest issues so have been in and out of hospital which I have messaged him to inform him but never had response.

This was 16 months ago. He messaged the other night asking for contact. Then found out that he had split with wife again and he blamed her for keeping him away. I called bullshit and he promised to take it slow, not pushing to meet immediately, even waiting 6 months or so.

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

I want to run him over but know I have to be reasonable. How do I do this, on several levels.

What is reasonable in terms of contact etc?

What is reasonable in terms of wanting him to fuck off and then fuck off some more?

What is reasonable in terms of how long he should wait and how he can prove that this is not temporary until he gets back with wife again (I have told him that she is not too blame as he is a spineless turd for not knowing his son)

OP’s posts: |
Pinkpeone1 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:13:28

He will just flit in and out of your sons life causing more disruption and upset than adding any value to his life. I'm presuming he's never mentioned providing for him in any way either?

The name thing would be hilarious if it wasn't so obnoxious. A pure vanity move to ask your son to take his name ffs.

ilovedjerrymore Sat 07-Mar-20 19:16:43

Stop talking to him and letting him pick and choose when he wants you in his life!
If he wants contact let him go to court for it...chances are he won’t bother by the sounds of it!

Justwondered90901 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:20:41

I don't really know what to say but I'm so sorry this has happened to you. For what it's worth you sound like an amazing mum, not one bit of your post is centred around you, it's all your babies best interests. I wish you well ( and hope he fucks off ) x

ambereeree Sat 07-Mar-20 19:20:56

Ask him for financial support... It'll scare him off.

Windyatthebeach Sat 07-Mar-20 19:22:43

He has no PR. Keep him away until he can provide to a judge he is committed to your dc..

user14366425683113 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:26:29

My gut reaction is to block him and ignore but then I'm the ad guy further down the line.

No, it doesn't make you the bad guy it makes you the person who stepped up to protect her son in the long term from being fucked up by this idiot, rather than caving to make your own life easier in the short term.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 19:27:44

Without sounding dithery, if you were a grown up child and told by your dad that your mum had refused contact unless it went to court, how would you feel?

This is my concern, that in 10-20 years my son will meet him and believe that his dad wanted contact and I blocked it by demanding court order

OP’s posts: |
PanamaPattie Sat 07-Mar-20 19:28:11

Cut him out of your lives. Why be involved with such a wanker?

Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 19:31:26

I'd rather he disappeared. In an ideal world he goes back to his wife now and they live their lives and we live ours. My concern is about if he tried again when son is older and goes direct to son.

He is believable and I started to believe it myself until he blamed her for lack of contact and my brain dinged with red flags. His child, his responsibility

OP’s posts: |
Windyatthebeach Sat 07-Mar-20 19:31:40

My dd's df walked away when she was 2. He tried to worm his way back in when she was 7. I said no. At 21 she contacted him after knowing for 3 years who he was. She said she had no bond /connection but stayed in touch for his other dd's sake. . Then dumped him at 30. He was a disgrace as a df she said..
She has no resentment of my choices she has told me many times.

LouHotel Sat 07-Mar-20 19:32:41

Your son at this age won't remember him flitting in and out of his life so I would try and introduce contact now but drop him once he starts not bothering. Also contact CMS.
Once he lets you down you don't bother but this way you can tell your son you tried your hardest.

Clangus00 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:33:52

Block him on everything & carry on regardless.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 19:38:44

Thank you @Windyatthebeach I'm glad to hear you and your DD point of view as this is my main worry.

@LouHotel Because of his health issues, he needs special care with medication and food so just allowing him contact worries me that he won't follow my instructions if he takes him. Also how could we set a contact plan when my son doesn't know him at all (sorry if I sound stupid)

With regards to CMS he doesn't declare his income (labourer) so they'd be toothless and I'd feel awkward asking for money

OP’s posts: |
Travis1 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:38:55

I don’t know my biological father and my mother has been as obstructive as can be. It’s part of why we are no contact. I really resent her. I’m
35 next month. Have known for 25 years the man who I was told was my dad isn’t and she’s never given me a straight answer since.

So from my own perspective I would give him an opportunity. Start with supervised contact once/twice a week for an hour or so. You call the shots though. Don’t let him try and dictate or force anything.

category12 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:42:31

He'll just do this again and again if you let him. say he wants contact, and then drop your ds again when the next woman comes along or his ex takes him back again.

Repeated intermittent contact then rejection are awful for a child.

I'd let him take you to court. The chances are high that he won't bother.

gafferareyouthere Sat 07-Mar-20 19:45:26

It's hard knowing what to do that's the best thing for your child. I would maybe give him one more chance on your terms only, he has to pay maintenance etc. If he lets you down even once then block him from your lives.

category12 Sat 07-Mar-20 19:48:08

He's had loads of chances to act like a decent human being already. Instead he's been an absolute bastard and blamed it on his partner.

KMoKMo Sat 07-Mar-20 19:50:26

Open an email account for your son. Send him an email explaining all this about his dad. Screenshot any call records / text message conversations. Show how you have tried to keep him updated yet he showed no interest, particularly with regards to his health. Give your son the password on his 18th. He can then make his own decision as to who had his best interests at heart.

Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 19:52:26

@kmokmo would this not seem petty or vindictive? I want my son to know that I genuinely want the best for him regardless of my feelings towards his dad and potential stepmother

OP’s posts: |
OhLookHeKickedTheBall Sat 07-Mar-20 19:53:19

You sound like you're putting your DSs best interests at heart here and also aren't falling for any bullshit. So what is DS' best interests right now? I'd say it's ensuring his physical health. So you need to be sure his father will do that. Therefore any contact right now has to be supervised for the good of your DS. Which quite probably would lead to not bothering. If it doesn't, then how best to achieve that - do you feel able to facilitate it? Is there someone or somewhere else that could? Keep one thing in focus then question the next bits one by one. That way if no contact does occur, you can honestly explain the situation regardless of if that's the father running a mile or you saying no whilst DS needs x,y and z.

userabcname Sat 07-Mar-20 19:54:44

As someone whose bio father never bothered (parents were married but he buggered off with OW when I was a couple of months old), I do not blame my mother at all. It was a shit situation and he could have pursued a relationship with me but didn't. I saw him 3 times growing up and honestly he means nothing to me. Not seen him since I was 18 and am now 32. I had a very happy childhood and continue to have a very close relationship with my mum. I often see on mn the belief that children need a father and a relationship should be pursued even when he is clearly useless but in my experience no father was better than a shit father! Also no issues for me as an adult - happily married to a man who is my age, we have 2 kids, he's a wonderful father and husband. Only mentioning as often bad relationships are blamed on "daddy issues" or what you saw growing up but certainly I have been absolutely fine in this regard.

KMoKMo Sat 07-Mar-20 19:57:26

I don’t think so. Not provided you stick to the facts. Chances are he won’t ever question you having his best interests at heart And therefore you wouldn’t need to make him aware of the ins and outs. But if his dad tried to convince him otherwise it would be there in black and white from the time it all happened.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it flowers you sound like a great mum

Soconfusedandlost Sat 07-Mar-20 20:03:23

@OhLookHeKickedTheBall I could attend the contact to ensure DS needs are looked after. We could not have it at my house due to reaction of his wife. If she found out he had been there, her actions would not be normal and I'm not risking him and her knowing where we live

Am trying to reply to everyone but it's a lot of info so apologies on slow replies or if you feel I'm not listening to everyone

OP’s posts: |
MrsTerryPratchett Sat 07-Mar-20 20:04:50

If he wants to be involved, the first thing is backdated child support. Does he actually want to be a father? Then feeding, clothing and housing is pretty basic.

You can do this as a list:

Child support
Very limited supervised contact
Boundaries around contact

Anything else you want to add?

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