Going to Relate with DH, but so far it's putting me more intensely in touch of feelings of resentment, and I'm feeling like I can't stand him to be around, though he's not doing anything hugely wrong. In many ways he's a decent human being and good Dad.
I think the worst aspect for me is that I find DH domineering, even though none of the instances are terrible, and they arise out of rigidity rather than a desire for power for the sake of it. I'll give some examples:
when he gets tired at night he wants to go to bed that second, and I have to jump into action to get to bed too. He doesn't want me to come to bed any later, because he says he can't get to sleep knowing that I'm going to come in (as this will disturb/wake) him. If I take the time to wash my face, put my clothes away etc. (he is very quick and leaves his clothes on the floor), he can get agitated and cross with me. It's stressful. So he gets to decide. I feel that a lot of our life is lived like this, with me having to accommodate to his way of doing things, and his views, or else deal with his stress/anxiety/agitation. He cannot tolerate difference of opinion. Another example: he has decided that during the peak of the corona epidemic in the UK we should self-isolate for 3-6 weeks even if healthy, to avoid being ill during the time when the health system is most overburdened. This may have some logic to it, but my point is that this is what he has decided, and it would have quite a big impact on us all. I'm not working at the moment, so I can't refuse on the grounds of work, so perhaps he thinks I should just go along with any plan he thinks is best. I'm just so often feeling, 'what about my point of view?' !!! If it differs from his, he won't accept it. I'm not a passive or timid person (though I do find conflict stressful) and I do speak up, but the Relate sessions so far have made me realise the extent of how awful I'm finding this aspect of our relationship. In the last session he was talking about a past row, and telling me 'Your intention was x, and you were feeling x' when the counsellor suddenly stopped him and said, 'you can't tell her what her feelings and intentions are, you need to rephrase that'. I thought, my God, yes! he does this a lot! At the moment I'm feeling like I want to leave so I have the freedom to make my own choices, feel my own feelings and have my points of view without them being squashed if they disagree with his. But I'm financially dependent, and it's going to take me a while to get my ducks in a row, maybe a year. Plus I feel terrible for the kids, like I'm being selfish, when he hasn't done anything awful, and they have good relationships with him. In a bit of a dilemma.
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Relationships
Feeling DH is domineering. Can't face it.
Earlgrey19 · 06/03/2020 18:52
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You don't have to justify why you are feeling unhappy 
Thing is, it won't ever improve if you constantly give in to him. No one made him "The Boss" of your home and family - it should be an equal role shared between you. When your voice isn't heard, you become angry, resentful and you stop wanting to try.
It's good that the Relate counsellor is pointing things out to him though. Maybe you need to build on that, and when he tries to dictate, don't argue with him, just say "sorry but that doesn't suit me" and walk away. My DH is naturally dominating, and it's exhausting at times.
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