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How do I leave my marriage without being the wicked witch

(170 Posts)
kcw1986 Wed 04-Mar-20 10:18:42

Been lurking for a bit and want some advice on my current situation.
DH had an affair a while back and I stupidly took him back even though deep down I knew I would never really forgive him its just not in my nature and have felt like a pathetic doormat ever since.

The situation is more complicated because the affair resulted in a child a little boy now 6 which my DH has regular contact with and clearly loves. We have two DS of our own both 8 and 11 who were the main reasons that I stayed in the marriage.

And some time ago the OW has told my DH that she has cervical cancer and it has become terminal, which means my DH is going for custody of their son although the boys grandparents want him too.

If am honest I checked out of the marriage along time ago and for the past few months have been having an affair with my boss, its not going anywhere and is already started to fizzle out (He still loves his wife and isn't ready to be with anyone else plus I really want to be single)

Ever since this has been going on my youngest has been kinder to his brother and is clearly developing a strong bond with him. I have caught them cuddling in bed and my DS tells me his brother crys at night and he comforts him and my eldest while not being overly affectionate has started letting him play in his room and doesn't glare at him which is a big thing for him.

I fell incredibly guilty but I want to end my marriage but I don't know how if there is a custody battle is it best to stay until my DH gets him or should I end it before and risk the grandparents winning custody. Plus with the developing bonds my son is making I don't want to be responsible for more hurt but I cant keep going on with this sham of a marriage.

OP’s posts: |
YellowBeryl Wed 04-Mar-20 10:32:16

You say your husband is going for custody, so presumably his idea is that his son with OW would join your family. Has your husband discussed this with you and the impact it would have on your DC? Have you agreed to support him in his custody application? Whilst I have every sympathy for the child , having him in your home will remind you every day of OH's infidelity.
Without wishing to sound callous, this could be your out. Tell him you couldn't live with the daily reminder of his affair but if he wants to go for custody you will support him but you will have to separate and he lives with his 'other son and you with your DC. Good Luck flowers

kcw1986 Wed 04-Mar-20 11:00:31

I think my DH thought it was a given his son would come live with us. At the start I demanded he have nothing to do with him which he agreed too ( I know that's horrible but I wasn't thinking clearly and hated his mother and resented his existence). He then told me he wanted to get to know him see if he looked like him and our boys, I couldn't really say no and we did nearly split then (wishing I had now) So he carried on contact but I said I didn't want him in the house and around our DC and that went on for a while until he decided he wanted all of his boys together.

So he comes to stay for a couple of nights a week and it did impact on my DC youngest was confused eldest took it badly and it really has effected their relationship to this day and I have a sneaking suspicion that my oldest would like for the three of us to start a fresh somewhere else from things he has said to me.

I think the problem really is that I cant really hate the OW because I cant hate a woman who is a mother dying of cancer at such a young age and the boy I feel sorry for so all my resentment and anger has focused directly on my DH which I think lead to my affair.

He keeps talking about the future and family holidays and doesn't notice that I am quiet or is ignoring it.

The problem is he works full time and the grandparents are retired and devote all their time to this boy so I really don't know what is for the best anymore or if my thinking is being influenced by any spite.

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Wed 04-Mar-20 11:07:29

If you have checked out of the marriage just tell your husband that and that you want to end things.

There’s no point wrapping it up in his desire to have his other son live with him. Because even if he didn’t, you are done. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s enough and no one should be compelled to stay in an unhappy marriage. It is not good for any of the children.

He can still be a father to all three and arrange his life around them, even if they live elsewhere part of the time. There’s a solution for you all here, even the grandparents. Just agree to coordinate his access to the children. He can share parenting with you and the grandparents. Nobody needs to be guilty.

Qwerty543 Wed 04-Mar-20 11:17:31

Just leave. It sounds very messy and this marriage isn't going to bring you any happiness. Just resentment. Life is too short. Your DH's custody battle is not your problem.

outtnumbbered Wed 04-Mar-20 11:22:10

Are you absolutely sure your marriage is over in your eyes? There’s no saving it whatsoever?

If you split, would it be amicable? To be honest, you need to end your affair, tell your husband asap and talk it through as a first step.

What’s happened has happened, you have to move past it and plan how the future will look while having the kids interests at heart too. I’m not a fan of breaking up families due to affairs if there can be honesty and commitment going forward. I appreciate you’ve already checked out but could counselling help? Even if divorce is still on the cards for you, counselling will help you split in an amicable way.

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 04-Mar-20 11:28:26

Blimey. Instead of being grateful you took him back he’s pushed and pushed and pushed and behaved like you owe him, the woman he was cheating on you with and their child. You don’t. And it’s not productive but you hate whomever you want, lots of horrible people get sick and die. Tragic for her and her son, obviously, but not actually your problem.

I’d leave. ASAP. Your sons can see their half brother when they’re with their dad, if they wish to. It’s not your responsibility. Neither is his custody battle.

BarbedBloom Wed 04-Mar-20 11:33:38

I couldn't have even done what you have done so far honestly. I wouldn't hate the child but I couldn't have coped with the constant reminder of his infidelity. I think you are strong and have already endured a huge amount.

I think the kindest and most sensible thing to do here is leave as soon as you can, before custody is determined. If the little boy is going to lose his mum, then gets settled into another family and loses you too, that is going to be very traumatic for him. Your children can still have a relationship with him when their father has custody of them. I think your DH is presuming an awful lot even in the very sad circumstances.

You already say you haven't forgiven him and have checked out. I got the impression from your post that you have already decided, but feel guilty about the circumstances. Without wanting to sound callous here, he brought this woman and child into your life with his selfish actions and as sad as this all is, you need to do what is right for you and he will have to live with the consequences of his affair.

BarbedBloom Wed 04-Mar-20 11:34:35

I also think maybe deep down you want your husband to discover your affair so you have the excuse to get out.

Luckystar20 Wed 04-Mar-20 11:43:29

Leave now op I feel for you, he will be setting you to be the main carer if you stay this child is not you're responsibly. Take you're boys and start a new life without this mess.

CodenameVillanelle Wed 04-Mar-20 11:45:31

You aren't up for raising this boy so you should leave for that reason apart from all the others. Your H may be using your existence to prop up his application for residence and if you aren't actually going to be able to raise him (quite understandably) then you should make that clear now. He can raise him and have contact with your children if that's agreed by the courts.

Booboooo Wed 04-Mar-20 11:46:48

I'm amazed you stayed so long! What does your family and friends make of the situation?

billy1966 Wed 04-Mar-20 11:47:39

OP, finish the affair and have a clear head.

You husband is a right presumptuous piece of work.

Obviously it is just awful for this little boy and his mother, BUT you have your life and two children to also consider.

It would piss me off how much your husband has ridden roughshod over your feelings, up to, and including assuming, his child will join your household.

It warranted a very respectful conversation which hasn't happened.

Your husband has zero respect for you and your feelings.
That is clear.

I think the little boy would possibly be better off with his grandparents.

I would get your affairs in order quickly and tell your husband the marriage is over and be done with it.

His feelings wouldn't concern me.
His infidelity has caused grief that continues.
Take your lead from your children.
You gave your marriage a good shot.

Your husband started this....I think you have every right to say you are done, if that is how you feel.

Windyatthebeach Wed 04-Mar-20 11:48:37

Please stop the affair today. Getting caught and being blamed for the end of your marriage is wrong when he is the actual one at fault.
Being a single parent shouldn't affect his custody case imo.
Put yourself and your dc first and seek legal advice.

BrendasUmbrella Wed 04-Mar-20 11:49:15

Snuff out the thing with your boss. You don't need that added mess right now. Tell him you need to focus on your home life, if he is losing interest he'll be relieved that you ended it first anyway.

And organize your separation from your DH. It's so clearly over, and your DC's aren't happy. Start working things out now. It's fairer on the other child too. A family court needs to know what his home dynamic will be. It isn't fair on the grandparents or the child if their home would the best home for him post your divorce but he is given to your family even though your DH works full time because of you and his siblings. He can still grow a bond with his DB's if you live apart. But if you want to leave - and you very clearly do - it's fairest for everyone if you start on that asap.

cattaxi Wed 04-Mar-20 11:49:19

If you are going to leave, do it now. Don’t let a poor boy who’s just lost his mother move in with you and then leave him. None if this is his fault.

potter5 Wed 04-Mar-20 11:59:26

OP you don't have to stay in the marriage, also you don't have to take on his other son. I think you are feeling horrible and sad for the OW and son. Your husband is assuming too much. I think the grandparents should get custody as how will your husband look after him once you leave with your 2 sons.

He has totally messed up everything hasn't he?

Good luck. flowers

Luckystar20 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:10:25

OP have you had counselling on you're own for what happened?

BrendasUmbrella Wed 04-Mar-20 12:18:39

Has he even mentioned how he intends to handle the logistics of childcare for a four year old while working fulltime, or does he simply assume you will do it for him?

It could be much worse to leave him if he gets granted custody - which under the current circumstances he very probably will because he is a parent and the child stays with your family anyway - because all of a sudden he'll have a small child to care for alone and may have to give up working which could have a negative effect on your split households. It's much better that everything is taken into account for what it truly is.

Something else to bear in mind is that the woman is going to die, and that will bring in a lot of other factors to deal with. It will be harder for you to leave, and he will be able to make you feel like the wrong one. You'll also have your DS's having to live with the grief of their DF and DB for the woman who helped their DF wreck their home.

If you want out, tell him tonight and make an appointment with a lawyer. Or at least start making up your exit plan.

kcw1986 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:24:03

Thanks for the messages

I do think I wanted him to find out about the affair tbh I did start dressing up a lot and it was noticed by people and even he raised his eyebrow at my outfit but then I got scared and dressed down more.

What makes it more complicated is that my mother and his are/were best friends (things are strained unsuspringly) and are families are close. His had all boys and mine all girls and I was treated like a daughter when I was younger and when we got together at 16 everyone was delighted and happy. Obviously when the shit hit the fan everything imploded his parents were disgusted with him paticulary his father who I was close too.

His dad died a few years ago and I think that was what made him so determined to have his boys all together as he wanted to make his dad proud after letting him down. My father has never forgiven him nor has my mother and family events are tense at best these days although they are civil for the kids except my sister who is proudly and openly hostile.

Before my affair with my boss I hadn't been with another man and my DH had only been with me until his affair, I think that was one of the causes him wondering whether he has settled down too soon.

We had couple counselling but haven't had any of my own. I also don't think a divorce would be amicable because I do think he loves me and adores the kids he would fight for them tooth and nail and wouldn't just accept me wanting a divorce.

I also don't want anyone to find out about my affair, my sister knows and mother I think suspects but it would disappoint my dad and I don't want anyone to think badly of my AP as he is a good and decent man.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:30:07

I'd be extremely surprised if the grandparents got residency over the father. So I wouldn't let that weigh with you too much. Plus, the mum may outlive expectations - you can't hang on almost hoping she dies sooner. Cos that's awful.

BrendasUmbrella Wed 04-Mar-20 12:35:06

So just end the affair. Your family situation doesn't seem complicated if they don't like him now anyway. It would be worse if they'd all forgiven him.

I also don't think a divorce would be amicable because I do think he loves me and adores the kids he would fight for them tooth and nail and wouldn't just accept me wanting a divorce.

It's hard to fight tooth and nail when he's also concurrently trying to get primary care of the result of his affair...

I'm sure he would be upset, because he loves you and his kids and for several other reasons, but you need to think about you and your children first. Don't let this drag on until a grieving little boy has started to see you as a mother figure. It would be cruel. You are able to sort this out now so you really should. Or otherwise make the decision that you are going to stay and raise the OW's child as your own, and pray that the grandparents get primary care (they probably won't though.) It's one or the other really...

BrendasUmbrella Wed 04-Mar-20 12:37:50

Plus, the mum may outlive expectations - you can't hang on almost hoping she dies sooner. Cos that's awful.

I don't think she said that?

category12 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:38:35

Don't let this drag on until a grieving little boy has started to see you as a mother figure

So much this. ^

He's innocent in all this and heading for huge trauma. Don't be a cause for more pain.

category12 Wed 04-Mar-20 12:40:02

Brenda, No, she didn't, and I wasn't saying she felt that either. But she might end up in that position, hating herself.

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