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My heart is breaking - 20 wks pg with #3 and DH says he doesn’t love me the same anymore

(277 Posts)
Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 04:57:03

We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 5 and have 2 small DC (4 and 2). Baby #3 on the way - a surprise and I was very confused how I felt about it at first but now a wanted baby.

DH didn’t want a 3rd child and I suspect blames me for it. He hasn’t really connected with the pregnancy and has seemed distant. We haven’t talked about names, he hasn’t asked how I am feeling etc. 20 wk scan is on Monday but now everything is crashing down around me.

DH has been very anxious, stressed with work and generally snappy with us all for a couple of months. We’re looking to buy a house so I put it down to that but on Monday he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head.

We had a chat but it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone. He said he just can’t work out things in his head. He saw a counsellor yesterday and we had a very emotional conversation where he eventually said he doesn’t love me the same anymore.

He said he can’t imagine not seeing the DS everyday and that he’ll love the baby when it’s born and always be here for us.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

Can anyone give me hope that this could be a blip (albeit a rather large one!) and maybe be does still love me but is too depressed to see?

Weenurse Sat 29-Feb-20 05:15:41

No advice, but💐 and hand hold as required

CallItLoneliness Sat 29-Feb-20 05:17:41

Unless there is a massive backstory where you wanted a third and interfered with your contraception, your not-so-D-H is a gaping arsehole. You didn't get yourself pregnant and he needs to step up and support you, who is the one physically undergoing the unintended pregnancy that he caused. Also, did I read right that he will only miss one of your existing children?

He might come around, he might not, but in your shoes OP it would take me a very long time to respect him again, and I would be making sure I was well aware of finances etc.

Snaleandthewhail Sat 29-Feb-20 05:19:08

I’m so sorry. flowers

Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 05:29:55

He said he would miss both DSs.

Neither of us took precautions to not get PG but sexy life has been sporadic at best.

He said he should stay and be unhappy to make everyone else happy which obviously I wouldn’t want.

It’s like he’s been broken and this is so out of character. He’s always been so loving and although things haven’t been brilliant, I just put it down to normal life stress and him being unsure about the baby. He has been looking after me, making me go to bed early etc when I’ve been knackered.

I’ve never seen him this upset and he said he’s just been bottling things up for too long. I’m just hoping there’s more he needs to sort in his head and this is a knee jerk reaction but I’m not sure.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a bulldozer.

daisychain01 Sat 29-Feb-20 05:32:33

OP think of it this way, your DH is giving himself the luxury of having a midlife crisis, checking out of your marriage and now deciding all of a sudden that, although he's been 50% responsible for bringing not 1 or 2 but 3 children into the world, he gets to choose his direction of travel. So typical! He sounds utterly clueless - you don't get that choice!!

Definitely get practical on this one, start planning for the worst, in case the poor little snowflake decides he's going to float off to "find himself" in some fantasy new life with zero responsibilities. If he's resolute with this, he'd better be prepared to know what the consequences of his choice are.

Beerincomechampagnetastes Sat 29-Feb-20 05:33:24

He’s a real peach isn’t he?

I’m very sorry op that you’re having to deal with this at a time when you deserve to be cherished and supported properly.flowers

Has something changed for your h recently? New job? Bereavement? Anything....?

thickwoollytights Sat 29-Feb-20 05:35:54

Sending you love. He sounds like a twat to me, but maybe I'm being unfair

FrankieGoesToLiverpool Sat 29-Feb-20 05:40:26

He sounds overwhelmed. And pre pregnancy he ‘checked out’ as you said.

Are you sure there isn’t another OW? Could you do some snooping?

If there isn’t, I’d honestly just try and support him. He didn’t want a third child and you did. So he’s obviously feeling out of control, think about if the situation was reversed?

I don’t envy your position here at all. Xxx

Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 05:42:55

Thanks everyone. I feel pathetic but it’s like my husband has been taken and replaced by this weird shell of him. It’s totally out of character and I’m so worried that he’s having a mental breakdown. He was so emotional last night and says he feels sick that he’s making me so upset and can’t imagine not being with us.

Nothing has changed. Just increased stress with work and potential house purchase. Which we will now pull out of.

He promises me there isn’t anyone else and I believe him.

thickwoollytights Sat 29-Feb-20 05:46:49

What would he say if you suggested he leave for a while? To sort himself out? Could you manage? Do you think it might be a wake up call for him?

Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 05:51:54

I asked if he needed time away and he burst into tears.

I could manage the DSs (my parents are nearby - another issue!) but I just can’t bear the thought of him not being here.

I don’t know if I want him at the scan on Monday

Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 05:54:37

I think he’s massively overwhelmed and maybe some time would help.

He admitted that he thought his feelings about the baby would get better but they haven’t.

If the shoe was on the other foot I don’t know how I’d cope with a 3rd child I didn’t want. He said he felt a bit like this before DS2 but never said anything until now. DS1 birth was very traumatic and I wonder if that has affected him. DS2 birth was the healing experience that I needed but maybe he’s still struggling. I don’t know

milksoffagain Sat 29-Feb-20 05:55:04

OK, big deep breaths, you got this. The shit may have hit the fan but it is very very important that you are calm and don't fall apart.

Try not to get too focussed on the change of 'love status' as that will destroy you. Love changes - it is natural. (Personally I don't believe it is ever gone, it just adapts.)

He needs you not to need him too much right now as if he is going through a MLC it is a form of depression and he will be overwhelmed and very very selfish.

His MLC is NOT ABOUT YOU and very important that you realise that and don't take it personally. (Almost impossible I know.)

You will get through this if you are together and working as a team. He needs to feel supported (oh the irony when you're the pregnant one). Challenge him on it (eg 'You've changed!' said accusingly) or be too 'needy' (I know! you are pregnant!) and he will run. Mentally and or physically.

What a shock. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I do know how you feel as it happened to me. Lots to read online and I would strongly advise you to do just that.

Don't let him see the sheer strength of the power he has over you right now.

Don't do the pick me dance.

A lot of the stuff coming out of his mouth will be incomprehensible, hurtful even laughable if only it was actually funny. If you possibly can, smile sweetly, zone out and be the calm practical sailing ship that gives him an anchor and leaves him thinking that him running off doesn't bother you too much and therefore he is the one with something to lose.

But shift your focus.

Put yourself and your kids needs top in the list of your priorities from now on as sadly, everything has changed and he can't give you what you need right now. If you can, look outside the family unit for support so you are not so physically and mentally dependent on him, and we are here for you.

It really is fucking horrible, not to mention unfair but you do have some power and you can and you will get through this. x

Showmethecake Sat 29-Feb-20 06:01:27

Thanks milks that’s really helpful. I know it’s not about me and I don’t want to feel like this.

My mum and dad have been brilliant this week and said they will help with the boys and whatever I need.

Need to pull myself together and get on with the day. Kids will be awake soon!

Thanks for the handhold everyone.

Going to suggest he has some time on his own today

FrankieGoesToLiverpool Sat 29-Feb-20 06:05:34

I agree with @milksoffagain. That’s how I’d react too.

He will come out of this, he’s doing the man child thing and having a freak out so let him whilst acting supportive and serene!

Massive handhold and hugs to you!

Aridane Sat 29-Feb-20 06:12:53

he told me he thought he was having a midlife crisis and that everything was crashing down in his head

...

I’ve never seen him this upset and he said he’s just been bottling things up for too long.

...

it was as though he has shut down and the real DH has gone

...

but it’s like my husband has been taken and replaced by this weird shell of him.

...

It’s totally out of character and I’m so worried that he’s having a mental breakdown.

...

He was so emotional

...

It’s like he’s been broken and this is so out of character

...

I take a different view to everyone else saying he’s a precious snowflake, he’s a twat, having an affair and indulging in the luxury of a midlife crisis.

All that is possible, yes

However, how you describe it screams depression and this may be a blip, hugely distressing for you and partner (you ask if this is possible)

I take as a positive he went to counselling - especially if that were with you rather than solo. Even though current upshot is not so positive.

Would he be amenable to taking himself to the GP in case there is more going on, mental health wise, than precious snowflake syndrome / adulterous twat etc?

This is a man you have been with for 15/years and who you have children with and, no, I wouldn’t give up yet. Things can get better (they may not) - hand hold given

And, yes, I appreciate this post is heresy to Mumsnet orthodoxy

jeanne16 Sat 29-Feb-20 06:14:17

It sounds to me as if he may have massive issues at work. Have you asked him if he is concerned about his job? Is he potentially threatened with redundancy? It can be very stressful being the bread winner in the current climate of insecure employment.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Sat 29-Feb-20 06:14:47

I am not sure if this would help but I can see quite a bit of myself in the months before I split with exh.

We were absolutely made for each other until DS arrived, at that time I concentrated on DS who was born with a lot of health problems and he threw himself into work. We were there 100% for DS but someway overlooked devoting enough time to our relationship and we grew apart.

The months before the split were the safest of my life. I wanted out but I hated the idea of hurting him. I loved him so much, as a friend, a sister, a partner in crime if you wish, we had a complicity I never thought I would find again but I had fallen out of love and I had spent so many years trying to “save the marriage” I couldn’t do it anymore. At some point even my ex recognised that it is better to part as friends than waiting until you start resenting each other as that’s when all the nasty damaging stuff begins.

I think he was right, splitting as friends made things much easier for DS and all of us. We were able to be there and support each other while we found our feet as single people again. In time I realised it was not only me who wanted out, I was no longer the person he fell in love with either.

I would say that there is not much you can do to make him stay apart of letting him go, as trying to get him to change his mind might make him far more determined to leave and stay away. Take advantage of his good will or guilt he may be feeling at the moment to set a good agreement that benefits the 5 of you, it is more difficult to get to that agreement after you start moving on and your life begins to change.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Sat 29-Feb-20 06:15:42

Saddest not safest*

Springsnake Sat 29-Feb-20 06:16:53

Always the men
Us women don’t have the luxury to mentally check out
He’s doing it because he can.
Pack his stuff ,tell him to go and find himself ,ie fuck of
You have a baby to put first op.hes a grown adult enjoying the extra attention he’s getting at the moment
Twat

Robin233 Sat 29-Feb-20 06:18:19

@milk's got this.

This also happened to me 'twice'

First time over a bereavement and he bounced back in time several months.

2nd time was MLC with lots of compounded pressures.
This took longer because he'd had his head turned and I didn't know at the time.

Moving house and having babies are huge pressures but by pulling together and supporting each other you get through it and it's worth it.

Just sounds like he needs extra support at this time.

Yes you can get through it and come out stronger and happier than ever.

mathanxiety Sat 29-Feb-20 06:20:35

Unless there is a massive backstory where you wanted a third and interfered with your contraception, your not-so-D-H is a gaping arsehole.

Don't let him dump on you. Don't offer him unconditional support that will exhaust you. Your patience and support should only be doled out to the extent that you don't deplete yourself or the energy and enthusiasm you have for meeting your DCs' needs.

Require him to respect you and to acknowledge that he is doing this at a really, really bad time for you. Ask him to make an enormous effort to sort himself out with a counselor, and not to come home and hurt you as he has done in the past few days. You do not deserve to have the rug pulled from under you this way, at this time. He needs to stop spilling his emotions all over you and expecting you to mop up and mend and act as mummy for him. He is an adult and he needs to pull himself together to the extent that he acknowledges the effect his words have on you.

Unless he is psychotic or delusional you have the right to ask all this of him.

Don't stamp your foot and yell while you explain that you will not accept the dumping that he has engaged in for the last little while. Speak to him in a calm voice with a tone that tells him you are serious and that you are confident he can manage this. Tell him you will put your hand up and stop any conversation you are not ready or willing to have and that he is to respect your signal without question.

AwkwardPigeon Sat 29-Feb-20 06:26:17

Firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about your predicament. That would hit anyone like a bolt of thunder at the best of times but when you're pregnant I can imagine the shock and hurt is tenfold.

I will try not to berate your husband too much as I know that isn't going to help but I do think he should've been clear about his feelings before you both decided to go ahead with this pregnancy, I don't just mean about him not wanting another child but that his love for you has changed as obviously that may have made you re-think going through with it (not that it would or should but it would've been relevant information when you're carrying his third child).

Did you probe him anymore on how his feelings for you have changed and whether it's related to this pregnancy? I note you said your sex life has been lacking for a while so is there still physical attraction, from your perspective at least? Was he still displaying signs of attraction and love towards you before his depressive episode? Also, have you witnessed how he interacts with his friends and colleagues? I'm just trying to ascertain if he is depressed generally and behaving in this detached way to everyone around him or just you. Not to sound harsh but you have to consider the possibility maybe he is depressed because he feels guilty his feelings towards you have changed and not depressed for another reason.

Frenchw1fe Sat 29-Feb-20 06:33:32

I hope I'm wrong but I think he's having an affair.
If I were you I'd be doing some digging.

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