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Advice needed. DH being blackmailed over affair he says he didn't have

(228 Posts)
Plastictattoo Fri 28-Feb-20 08:12:58

I need advice as very confused here.
Approx a year ago I had a feeling that somwthing wasn't right with DH's behaviour so asked to check his phone. Initially he snatched it off me and refused. I used the MN classic line 'That tells me everything I need to know' and he so he let me look. He said 'I don't know what you are going to see. There are some flirty messages with Cath'. (Cath, not real name is an ex colleague, not real name). Stupidly I just checked Messenger and not Whatsapp as I'm not tech savvy. There was nothing there but he admitted he had a crush on her and had arranged to meet her at a party for a colleague that weekend. He was going to stay at the hotel with a group including her.
We talked things through. Nothing had happened except messages etc. He didn't go to the party and agreed to remove her phone number and unfriend on FB.
Fast forward to last night when he told ne that Cath's DH, Andy, was trying to blackmail him for £5000.
Cath had rung him to say that her and Andy had seperated after he had gone mad after seeing a group photo of her with a man's arm around whilst on a night out last weekend. Cath had quit her job, moved her kids away and now Andy was demanding money from her. Andy doesn't work and has/ had drug issues. Cath forwarded messages to my DH which I gave seen. He names my DH and tells Cath that unless he receives £5000, he will 'tell his wife' and 'split his family up' (refering to me).
I asked my husband why, what evidence does he have etc. DH insists that there were messages but he doesn't remember what they say, that the messages were just arranging to meet for work dos, about wirk, general chat etc. All messages have been deleted (of course).
My DH's initial reaction before telling me was to go into my FB while I was asleep and block Andy so he couldn't contact me. Now I have never met Andy and wasn't FB friends with Cath as only met her twice.
I don't know whether to contact Andy to see what he knows but don't want to feed the drama.
Desperately need advice about next steps. Am going to work now but will be back at lunch.

Burlea Fri 28-Feb-20 08:16:05

Go to the police, your Dh has told you so this Andy has no hold over him.

Fiberoptic Fri 28-Feb-20 08:17:02

Oh I’d be contacting Andy to see what he has. Then make my choice. Your dh isn’t bring transparent and not allowing you access to the information.

Going in to your facebook to block some one is pretty telling tbh

Burlea Fri 28-Feb-20 08:17:07

Sorry clicked to soon.
Then either marriage counseling or leave him.

MzHz Fri 28-Feb-20 08:18:09

Well... the message to Andy now is “wife already knows about you and your attempt to blackmail me... so fuck off with that plan and if you contact us again we’ll be calling the police”

ElderAve Fri 28-Feb-20 08:19:19

What is the tone of Cath's messages to DH, does she give the impression that they've been caught out or that her ex is just making trouble?

AnotherEmma Fri 28-Feb-20 08:19:26

No smoke without fire
You already had your suspicions

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 28-Feb-20 08:20:14

Andy sounds like scum and your husband sounds like a cheat, sorry OP.
Ask yourself if Andy has proof of messages does it change you staying with your husband? If you never see proof will this niggle away at you and your marriage?
You could reach out to Cath?

ElderAve Fri 28-Feb-20 08:21:50

I don't think DH going into FB is necessarily evidence that he's a cheat, he knew OP already had suspicions and that Andy was out to make trouble, which he hoped to avoid . It was a gross invasion though.

Shmithecat2 Fri 28-Feb-20 08:22:00

Regardless of whether the affair happened or not, dh needs to call the police.

EmmaGrundyForPM Fri 28-Feb-20 08:22:36

Your dh can't be blackmailed by this lowlife because he's already told you something.

However, I dont think your dh has told you the whole truth. I suspect he had an affair.

TheStuffedPenguin Fri 28-Feb-20 08:22:56

Your H is lying and minimising . You already knew a year ago when you saw messages and he had arranged to meet her .

Wilding Fri 28-Feb-20 08:23:07

You need to go to the police about the blackmail - it's a serious crime.

Your relationship with your husband is a different matter and it's up to you to decide whether you want to stay with him or not. It sounds like the trust may have gone already.

BaolFan Fri 28-Feb-20 08:23:22

I think there was more to it than your H has admitted.

But seeing as he's already told you some of it, the attempt at blackmailing falls over.

This is your H's grubby problem to sort out. I'd leave him to it.

Christmadtree Fri 28-Feb-20 08:23:27

Personally I don't think I would be able to trust DH based on the fb blocking. Do you think you'll be able to move on with the info you have? It would constantly niggle at me so I'd need to know what they have to say to make my mind up I think.

If he had the disposable £5k and could be sure you wouldn't notice I. E not joint bank accounts etc, do you think you'd even know?

PerspicaciaTick Fri 28-Feb-20 08:23:39

Cath moves fast, after an argument at the weekend she has already quit her job and relocated? I'd be wondering if she was involved in the blackmail too... especially if she is the one passing on messages from Andy (despite being separated).
I think contacting the police sounds like an excellent first step. Then you can take a moment to consider what it all means for the future of your marriage.

Divebar Fri 28-Feb-20 08:25:00

Yes contact Andy and say “ I understand you have something to tell me” and see what he comes up with. Now of course he might not be bothered to engage with you because he wasn’t exactly being a Good Samaritan in all this was he? ( he was only after the £5k) If he responds I’d want to see screenshots of messages or similar but nothing else.... no “ he said, she said “ recounting because if he has been trying to blackmail Cath he’s a scumbag ( or desperate... one or the other). I would only do this because your DH didn’t come and tell you as soon as the blackmail started... you already knew about Cath so there was no reason to sneak into your FB. I do agree that the whole thing smacks of drama and if you just decide to walk away from the whole mess ( husband included) then I don’t think anyone would blame you.

Avocadohips Fri 28-Feb-20 08:25:04

Oh love. Handhold from me flowers

Its easy for me to say, but this seems very obvious to me that there is way more to it than your DH is telling you. I suspect they have slept together and possibly have had an entire affair.

I'd unblock Andy and contact him. Just say, "Hi, I'm told you want to get in touch with me about X and Y, if that's true would you like to meet for a coffee?" And arrange it for immediately.

If he is trying to blackmail DH he'll have nothing and you'll have called his bluff.

If he has flirty messages, at least you already know and can see what they say. If he has more, then you want to know and decide for yourself what's most likely to be true. If he's just after extortion of your DH then he will fail.

TheJoxter Fri 28-Feb-20 08:25:23

Report the blackmail to the police definitely BUT I suspect there’s a lot more to this than your H is letting on

Divebar Fri 28-Feb-20 08:27:46

It sounds like he’s tried to blackmail Cath so if that’s the case then she would need to report to police. If you think she’s involved in that side then of course your DH should report it.

category12 Fri 28-Feb-20 08:28:07

Well, since he's told you everything, your dh has nothing to be worried about with the blackmail threats, has he? So what's he running scared of? 🤔

Obviously there's more to it.

He should go to the police about the blackmail.

And you should buckle up and start figuring out your future. Sorry OP.

Whattodon0w Fri 28-Feb-20 08:28:45

I’d be counter blackmailing Andy by saying if he doesn’t tell you what he knows you’ll be going to the police because of his demands for cash.
You DH clearly has something to hide I’d want to know everything and take it from there. An EA can be just as damaging as an actual physical one.

Lunafortheloveogod Fri 28-Feb-20 08:28:48

I’d still be suspicious, really £5k for a couple of flirty work texts and a party he never went to. That’s a hell of an amount to cover up something some people wouldn’t think twice about. People have stuck around after a lot worse.

Him blocking Andy on your fb is also a massive flag, why would it matter if you saw things you’ve already heard the “full truth” about. Surely it’d be a yes I know? Thing that wouldn’t get Andy anywhere anyway. I’d be tempted to ask for all the proof, surely Andy’s sent his evidence to Cath or DH to show he’s got something on them.

ElderAve Fri 28-Feb-20 08:30:52

Actually, I've just re-read the OP and I think it's likely Cath is behind the blackmail too, in which case even if something did happen you've no concern that it's continuing.

How is it even possible to leave your home and job and move your kids in the space of a week?

Is the job she's left the one where she worked with DH?

Maybe I'm a pushover but I think Cath knew DH had feelings and knew it has caused concern at home. Maybe she was hurt/angry that it didn't go any further. I don't think there's any proof here that DH had an affair. For a start, why on leaving her partner, would she leave the job where her bit on the side worked?

Weenurse Fri 28-Feb-20 08:32:18


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