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At my wits end with my bestfriend and her boyfriend

(26 Posts)
Aibu23456 Fri 28-Feb-20 04:08:34

I'm sorry if this turns put to be a really long post, I don't know what I'm looking for writing this post, whether it's just venting or gathering advice but I'm at my wits end with my closest and oldest friend!!
She's been with her DP for 5 years now and they're literally made for each other and I've never seen such a wonderful couple and she's been so, so happy!
But 6 months go things changed after she caught him looking at porn on his phone. He wasn't masturbating, just watching it. She was upset and he reassured her that he was just watching it cause he was bored and couldn't sleep.
A month or so after this she found a tissue discarded down by the side of the toilet and it had semen on it. He'd lazily chucked the tissue into the toilet and clearly missed and fell on the floor instead and, again, this upset her. He apologised and was very embarrassed about it.
She's now got it into her head that he does nothing but watch porn and masturbate whenever she isn't at home, and she brings it up every time we see each other. I've tried to reason with her many a times over the last few months, telling her how my DP masturbates and so do I and its normal for some people, also reminded her that she owns sex toys herself (doesn't count apparently cause she doesn't watch porn), but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.
I've asked if this has been an issue in any previous relationships and she said no, and she was fine with her all her boyfriends masturbating because, and I quote, "there was never any evidence they were doing it." Now that she's seen her DP watch porn and found 1 tissue its caused massive insecurities and her self esteem has plummeted.
She has now started combing through his internet search history for porn websites, checking which girls he follows/searches for on social media etc.
She admitted she's not worried he might cheat/message with any of these girls, its just the fact he's looking at them and possibly masturbating, and she's obsessing about it and I'm getting to the point I'm worried she's making herself ill as its obviously consuming her.
I'm glad she's able to confide in me but this morning, after listening to her go through all this again, how she's struggling to leave him home alone and go out with her friends etc cause she's worried he'll be watching porn/checking out girls and wanking, I admit, i snapped and told her to just leave him as she clearly isn't happy in the relationship and she burst into tears telling me that I don't understand, maybe I don't, but it doesn't mean that I'm not worried about her.
I just don't know what to do and say to her anymore! I don't want to go NC with her cause I love her, dearly but this is now putting a strain on my relationship with her and it's stressing me out and I dread seeing her tbh. I honestly don't think she's open and honest about how she feels with her DP either, so as far as I'm aware he's clueless. Sorry again for the long post.

GiveHerHellFromUs Fri 28-Feb-20 04:18:28

Presumably there are issues with their sex life. She needs to address that with him.

If there aren't, she needs to tell him he can watch as much porn as he likes but ask him to do it discretely, as it's not actually the porn she has an issue with.

If I were you I'd just tell her you don't want to have to visualise him wanking every time you see her so you'd prefer not to have the conversation again.

Mintlegs Fri 28-Feb-20 05:17:22

It sounds like she has anxiety and low self esteem. She needs to work on this. Leave his phone alone!

Ritascornershop Fri 28-Feb-20 05:27:42

What a weirdo. People wank, that is between them and, er, themselves. She can’t control his thoughts, and masturbating is essentially that. He’s not cheating. Whether or not porn should exist is another argument, but this sounds more like she doesn’t want him
masturbating vs an argument against selling images of sex for profit.

redcarbluecar Fri 28-Feb-20 05:39:08

I agree with @GiveHerHellFromUs. Although easier said than done of course, ask her not to talk to you about it any more.This is clearly upsetting for her but it’s taking a toll on you too, and it doesn’t need to. It’s not fair for her to tell you you don’t understand when she’s offloading something so personal. Perhaps she needs to realise you’re not just there for that.

Dyrne Fri 28-Feb-20 05:47:11

Next time ask her what she wants from you. She clearly doesn’t want logical advice as she’s ignored everything you’ve said, so does she want to vent? If so, explain that it’s draining constantly talking about such an intimate issue non stop with her and you would like to talk about something else. Be firm and just repeat that she needs to be talking to her DP about it, not you.

Agree that it’s weird and hypocritical to be happy to masturbate yourself but be upset that your DP does it. I’d completely get being upset at the porn itself but as PP said it doesn’t sound like that’s her issue.

HelgaHere1 Fri 28-Feb-20 05:56:13

She possibly compares herself unfavourably to the porn stars. Possibly counselling for her might help her decide how to accept this or whether to split from DP.

category12 Fri 28-Feb-20 06:13:12

If she's having obsessive recurring thoughts, she really needs to speak to her gp. I'd point her there.

You also need to set boundaries - it's OK to say, "friend, I love you dearly but I can't keep going over this topic with you any more. [Let's do x/y / what about that sportsball ]"

LettyFisher Fri 28-Feb-20 06:14:23

well it's a deal breaker for me if my partner looks at porn - and it's nothing to do with my self esteem or issues with sex at all.

She's perfectly entitled to feel the same - we all have different boundaries.

Her DP does need to know though that it's a deal breaker for her, and then if he can't respect it, she has the choice whether to walk away. If he's not doing it and she's constantly suspecting him and obsessing about it, then she probably should get some counselling.

pictish Fri 28-Feb-20 06:34:10

Gosh I’d so hate to have a partner police and obsess over me like this. She is being v unreasonable.
I don’t know what you can say or do to make her see that her behaviour is not ok. She needs help to get get out of this loop and gain perspective but that’s not within your remit. You have tried and failed. In the meantime, she’s being a selfish bore to keep on about this issue while in your company, even if it is rooted in anxiety.
Your friendship with her does not obligate you to listen to this tiresome diatribe on repeat. I’d take it as cue to cool things a little and be less available to her as a willing audience. That might sound harsh but I can only advise from my own experience. It’s self preservation and the older I get the more I value having it.

pictish Fri 28-Feb-20 06:45:29

And by that I don’t mean you should ditch her (unless you want to) but that you firmly change the subject or you suddenly remember a pressing matter to attend to when she starts on. Or you are busy when she wants to meet up so she can share her thoughts...again.
Concentrate on other friends for a bit. Not to punish her in any way but as self-care. You have been a really good friend to absorb it all so far but there comes a point when you have to disengage from someone else’s obsessive loop.

GiveHerHellFromUs Fri 28-Feb-20 06:45:33

@lettyfisher she said she's never had a problem with other boyfriends watching porn

Goldenwrapper Fri 28-Feb-20 06:51:32

There is a book called A Billion Wicked Thoughts which is a collection of studies that looks at male and female libido and sexual desires, it's a good read and very insightful. Could you suggest it to your friend? It may help her to not only understand her partners sexual desires but also hers

Bluewater1 Fri 28-Feb-20 07:10:26

Is it the masturbating or the porn that she has issues with? Or both?

Falcor40 Fri 28-Feb-20 07:16:19

What’s her concern with porn? You’ve not explained why she hates it so much?

SallySun123 Fri 28-Feb-20 07:25:19

Relationship counselling or therapy for her for her anxiety. Whatever her view on porn, it sounds like this issue has escalated to an unhealthy level. If it’s effecting their day to day life (not wanting him to be home alone), then this needs to be resolved professionally. There’s nothing you can say or do.

SebastienCrabSauce Fri 28-Feb-20 07:30:00

Your friend needs counselling, she doesn’t sound like she’s in a healthy headspace at all.
Her DP is normal, there is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating.
She sounds extremely controlling... searching through his internet history? Stalking his social media? Obsessing over him having some “alone time”?
NONE of that is healthy or normal.

Honestly, she needs counselling ASAP or she risks losing him. I wouldn’t tolerate that sort of obsessive behaviour from a partner.

Dyrne Fri 28-Feb-20 07:32:22

Also, as an aside - do other people really discuss this sort of thing with their friends? I talk about a lot of stuff with my friends but I have to say I have no idea if one of their partners has ever left a spunky tissue down the side of the loo and I hope to god I never find out...

Purplewithred Fri 28-Feb-20 07:58:34

What Dyrne said above - ask her what does she want from you? Point out that things don't seem to have moved on for xxx months and discussing it doesn’t seem to have helped her; and that its putting a strain on your friendship.

Nanna50 Fri 28-Feb-20 08:13:29

@GiveHerHellFromUs
If I were you I'd just tell her you don't want to have to visualise him wanking every time you see her so you'd prefer not to have the conversation again.

This made me laugh grin

These days you have to be cool about your OH watching porn or there is something wrong with you ...not.

Women are already unfairly compared to unreal and unobtainable images in the media so how about accepting that some men could be comparing their GFs looks, bodies and sexual preference and some women do not feel comfortable that?

So far this woman has been called a weirdo, has anxiety and low self esteem, obsessive thoughts, needs counselling, therapy, something wrong with her sex life and should consider leaving him if she cant accept he wants to and is entitled to watch porn whenever and wherever he wants.

Fucking hell no wonder women have confidence issues.

I'm not cool about watching porn being normalised, mainly due to the exploitation of those being filmed, but also those who are manipulated into performing in the bedroom because it has becoming mainstream. And is it really necessary or acceptable to belittle women who do object or have a problem with it?

@Aibu23456
I think she needs to talk to him about it and meanwhile I think @GiveHerHellFromUs has a good answer.

Nearlyalmost50 Fri 28-Feb-20 08:40:51

Surely the issue isn't whether or not porn is ok or whether or not his activities are ok, it's that she's going on and on and on about it all the time, and being so incredibly insecure, that it's stopping her living a normal life and having normal friendships. Being worried- yes, fine, but constantly going on and on about leaving him at home, this is just tedious for everyone. I am not surprised you snapped- as ultimately the choice is accept his life is up to him, or leave him because you find living with his behaviour unacceptable. Her responses are over the top and I would find my sympathy running out (I would have sympathy if she left him over it but not for over six months). I agree she seems obsessed by this and that's very tedious for all concerned.

PepePig Fri 28-Feb-20 09:32:08

In this circumstance, the issue isn't porn. Your friend is being incredibly controlling and invasive. I'd tell her to get a grip and either do something about it (couples counselling, talking to partner), or to just shut up and stop telling you. If she keeps going on he'll break up with her because of it, and it would do her absolutely no harm if that's what ended up happening.

There is no chance in hell I'd let a partner police what I do in my private time to this extent. It is weird. It is controlling. Any waffly shite about her having a low self esteem just says to her that it's okay to be an abusive asshole. She needs to get out of her own head and stop telling you about it.

Weird.

ShesCurly Fri 28-Feb-20 10:09:49

If porn / him masturbating is a dealbreaker for her (porn to one side as it's personal choice, but policing someone else's masturbation is unbelievably controlling) she needs to tell him that.

Then, if he doesn't want to change his behaviour (which I don't think he has any obligation to do at all, she sounds incredibly controlling) then SHE can then make an informed decision and if it's a dealbreaker for her she needs to break up with him.

Not stay with him, policing him, snooping on him and being upset about something she claims she can't cope with. If she can't cope with it then she needs to be an adult and end the relationship.

Porn might be a slight red herring here. It sounds like even if he wasn't using porn, she would still be desperate to control how this man masturbates privately and taking it as an insult that he does.

If a woman posted here saying her husband checks her search history etc and cries about her masturbating then people would quite rightly tell her he was being ridiculous.

NoMoreDickheads Fri 28-Feb-20 10:10:11

I agree with @PePePig - imagine finding a tissue with semen on and confronting someone about it! You'd just flush it down the loo, wouldn't you?

A lot of women don't like porn, but that is something else..

I honestly don't think she's open and honest about how she feels with her DP either, so as far as I'm aware he's clueless

Erm, not entirely as she confronted him with a crusty tissue (I'm imagining her holding this evidence aloft.)

As a PP said, this is anxiety and she needs either therapy or even meds.

Woollycardi Fri 28-Feb-20 14:05:34

You are really invested in her life. Please step back and let her deal with this.

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