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AIBU to think my parents are being a'holes?

(12 Posts)
LadyLightning Wed 26-Feb-20 15:28:31

I relocated to be near my parents 10 years ago as they asked me to - they were getting older and needed more support. Having had a horrible relationship with them growing up (they were very selfish, all about themselves and regarded me and my needs as an nuisance), I had decided to make a big effort to have a better relationship with them in my adulthood. To give some context - 2 of the 4 siblings dont talk to them at all, and the other is fairly distant but I see how bitter they all are and didnt want to go that route. Anyway, mum got ill last year and we thought that may be her final illness (the GP told us to expect the worst). But she has rallied, although she is still very frail. The problem I have is that as she has been getting better, my relationship with them is getting worse. The things I have been doing and been thanked for over the last years are now me 'being bossy'. It is worse with my dad My dad isnt talking to me at all after we had a minor disagreement about something before Christmas, and wont respond if I speak to him directly. I still go almost every day to see my mum (who definitely doesnt like it if she is not checked on) but am getting more and more upset with them. I get that this is a difficult time for them, but am feeling really got at. If they do need something they ask their cleaner to help or get my cousin and her son to come the 3 hours from where they live. And having not had much good to say about my cousin and her son for years, now they are flavour of the month. I get that they are old and facing the end of mums life (although this is not imminent, she is much better than she was) but I have feelings too. They have a history of being quite critical and judgemental, but to be able to disengage from someone who has spent 10 years trying to help and support you seems crappy to me. AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
Aussiebean Wed 26-Feb-20 15:34:02

Sounds like they have always been like this and always will be.

Have you read the resources on the stately homes thread? Some things might relate there.

Plus you don’t have to be bitter going no contact. Sometimes it is freeing.

DulciUke Wed 26-Feb-20 15:40:59

Tell them that since you are obviously doing such a terrible job, you are going to bow out now and they can just get on with it. I would go limited contact.

LadyLightning Wed 26-Feb-20 15:41:51

Thanks for this, I will check it out.

OP’s posts: |
LadyLightning Wed 26-Feb-20 15:43:58

Yes I have really reined back to contact levels but it still hurts. Hopefully it will hurt less over time. I agree that NC is not always bad, but the 2 sibs who do that are people who take no responsibility for anything and blame everything in their lives that has ever gone wrong on my parents. Which I dont think is a good way to be.

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Bluetrews25 Wed 26-Feb-20 16:06:27

You've given everything, even though you didn't want to and they didn't appreciate it. There's a reason (or 500) why your sibs don't bother.
It's a shame you did this, as it was inevitable that you would give and they would take. People like this do not change.
I would also advise you to step back. Allow yourself time to realise that you will never have the parents you want, or the type of relationship with them that you want. It will only ever be abusive to you. You need to let them go. For YOUR sanity.
Let social services step in, that is what they are for.

Woollycardi Wed 26-Feb-20 16:36:52

Of course it's not healthy to blame everything on your parents, it is, however, healthy to place responsibility back onto them for their neglectful or abusive parenting. It's ok (and often necessary) to acknowledge that you deserved better treatment as a child. We are shaped by our childhood (and life) experiences. Have you had any counselling?

LadyLightning Wed 26-Feb-20 19:10:22

yes, several times, I go along ok and then they pop back up with a situation like this and it kind of hits me again.

OP’s posts: |
FabbyChix Wed 26-Feb-20 20:16:48

My kids wouldn’t look after me. Your not obligated to lose your life being unhappy being their to support them. No parent deserves anything from their kids they have their own lives

Woollycardi Thu 27-Feb-20 13:43:40

Ok, well you have a choice that you are repeatedly hit by this time and time again, or you make a choice to own your own life, address how this has affected you in therapy (this will probably take a while) and understand why we all need space and distance from people who treat us like shit, regardless of whether or not they are family. I agree with FabbyChix, you're not obligated. You've merely been effectively taught they you are.

LadyLightning Tue 28-Jul-20 15:24:48

Just an update. I did some therapy, reduced contact and am getting much better at resisting the guilt trips and manipulations. Step dad asked if we could get back to the way thing were out of the blue one day and I told him I didnt understand his reaction, had no idea why he had carried it on so long and that we could be civil but it was going to take some time for me to get over being treated this way. Thanks for everyone who posted support.

OP’s posts: |
hellsbellsmelons Tue 28-Jul-20 16:03:19

Well done OP.
You now have some boundaries.
Make sure you don't let them trample all over them again.
You were amazing to do what you did and it got you nowhere.
Learn that lesson.
Your SD now wants it all his way again with you doing the grunt work.
Live your best life!

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