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My husband cheated on me with my friend at Christmas

(102 Posts)
mum2be2013 Tue 25-Feb-20 10:41:35

My husband cheated on me with someone who I thought was a close friend at a New Year’s Eve party at our home. I only found out as her husband caught them in the act in the kitchen.
I asked him to move out to give me time to think when it happened but he refused. He says it was a drunken mistake.
We’ve been together 20 years have 2 small children (3 and 6) I’m a sahm and so I’m completely dependent on him financially at the moment and I have no where I could go to to get away (with the children of course). So I feel trapped with him.
I can manage to be polite to him and pretend everything is fine in front of the children but I can’t imagine ever being intimate with him again as I feel so betrayed. When the children are both out (my little one has nursery three mornings) I find myself just crying - as i never thought my husband would cheat on me and now I can’t imagine getting over this and being a family again

kcw1986 Tue 25-Feb-20 10:44:53

OP so sorry this has happened to you.

I would suggest you get some financial information regarding benefits and start looking for a part time job so your less dependent on him.

Has he expressed any remorse for his actions? What about your so called friend are they still in contact?

SirVixofVixHall Tue 25-Feb-20 10:45:03

Is he even sorry ? He sounds vile, he had sex with your friend in the kitchen at a party !!?? Were you also at the party ?
How did you find out ?
Find out where you stand legally , as personally, I would make him leave if possible.

PeppermintPasty Tue 25-Feb-20 10:46:23

I’m sorry, what a horrible thing he’s done to you. And some friend she is.

Please go and see a solicitor and find out your legal position. It may not be as grim as you think.

As for him, I wouldn’t and couldn’t ever tolerate him anywhere near me again. He also sounds like he’s trying to front it out. A drunken mistake? What, did he mistake her for you? Pathetic man.

Have you got real life support? Have you told anyone?

mylittleboo Tue 25-Feb-20 10:50:20

There’s really no coming back from this and you deserve better. Copping off with your friend in YOUR kitchen! No. No no no. It’s over. If he can do that then he’s capable of anything! What’s the finances like? Are there savings? Equity in the house? Take back power. Go see a solicitor (some do a feee half hour) and find out what you’ll be entitled to. He’s trying to wear you down. Is he even sorry? What about your “friend”. Ex friend I hope!

mylittleboo Tue 25-Feb-20 10:50:56

Have you got family you could go stay with to get some space?

Herpesfreesince03 Tue 25-Feb-20 10:52:52

I can’t believe he was so brazen to cheat on you in someone’s kitchen with other people there. He clearly didn’t give a fuck at all. I’d be suspicious that this isn’t the first time it’s happened

FlamingFreezing Tue 25-Feb-20 10:54:08

So he cheated on you in your HOME while you, your DC and other people were on the premises and has the gall to dismiss it as a drunken mistake?

I have no idea how you can be polite and stay under the same roof as him. Do you really not have any family members you can stay with, with DC while you look into options for getting your own place and start divorce proceedings? It is cruel and intolerable that he hasn’t moved out in these circumstances.

mum2be2013 Tue 25-Feb-20 10:55:41

The party was at our house I was in bed upstairs- so were our children - and a few other guests. I heard her husband shouting at them In the kitchen so came down to stop him shouting as I didn’t want him to wake the children up (I thought he was shouting because he’d.just got too drunk initially).
I haven’t seen her since and don’t intend to. She says she was really drunk and she’s sorry and so does he. But that doesn’t really cut it for me- as no matter how drunk I got I would t sleep with someone else- as I’m married and I have children and I love(or loved) my husband. When I said this to him he says he was sorry but he was so drunk he can’t even remember what happened- he also said technically he didn’t sleep with her because her husband came in and interrupted them

FeedMeChoc Tue 25-Feb-20 10:58:12

So he was about to stick his dick in her in your kitchen whilst you and your children were in bed upstairs? Knowing they’d likely get disturbed? Sounds like they wanted to be caught.

That’s very different to a drunken kiss.

The fact he thinks it’s acceptable because he didn’t finish it off and was drunk screams CF to me. Get rid of him sharpish.

loobyloo1234 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:00:12

Did he actually have sex OP? In your kitchen? In your home? Or you mean it hadn't got as far as that?

He is absolutely disgusting either way for entertaining it.

Can you start looking for PT work? Something to focus on. You cannot be dependant on this man any longer. He will keep doing this if you are as he'll know you're trapped

MyOwnSummer Tue 25-Feb-20 11:00:16

Technically didn't sleep with her? FFS, like that is even relevant somehow.

I don't see how you can ever move on from this as a couple if he isn't even sorry. Like PP have said, you need to focus on regaining your independence and see a solicitor, pronto.

mum2be2013 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:04:01

I told my sister - who said I should forgive him because he was drun k (we’ll not just that she’s been really supportive actually but that’s the bottom line from her. And one other friend who said if I can forgive him that Luke be great for my children- but it’s a big if

mum2be2013 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:05:29

Sorry for all the typos - I’m crying - again

QuitMoaning Tue 25-Feb-20 11:07:18

I don’t get being drunk as an excuse. All that means is that next time you get drunk, you might do it again.
Alcohol removes inhibitions but it doesn’t make you do things you would never do. I have been drunk many times (grown out of it in recent years, thankfully) and I never cheated as I still knew it was wrong.

Sloth66 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:09:08

Doubt it’s the first time he’s cheated on you.
If the trust has gone, the marriage is over.
Can you get support/ stay with your family?

mum2be2013 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:10:39

I’m scared about leaving him- I’ve bern with since I was a teenager - I know I’m not now- I’m 20+ years older - somehow that makes it worse though. I don’t want to a single mother in my 40s
Plus if we split up it will mean a smaller house in a not so nice area and far less money and so less activities for the children and it doesn’t seem fair to destroy their little lives so much
But I don’t see how things will ever be normal again

Pumpkinpie1 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:11:11

Two months and you’re still there; do you feel your relationship can be salvaged?
Or is it more that you just don’t know what to do?
If this is irreparable marriage in your eyes?
I think you need urgent legal and financial advice?
Do you have your own account or access to money? You need to put something in place and make sure child benefit etc are going into your own account so you have access to some funds, start squirrelling cash into it bank transfers would give him a heads up your planning something so be discrete
Start gathering as much financial information ie pension info , savings, cars , ISAs etc As you can take copies keep it so he can’t “forget to disclose anything. But keep it somewhere he doesn’t have access - do you have family or someone you can trust?
Are you buying your home or are you renting?
It sounds a terrible way for you and your children to live, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better
Be Brave and proactive this situation isn’t healthy for you or your children

Collidascope Tue 25-Feb-20 11:12:23

The cheating is bad enough. The refusing to leave so you had time to think is the cherry on the cake, and suggests to me that he thinks he can do whatever he likes and you won't stop him. He wouldn't even get out for a few nights to make it easier for you. How has he behaved since it happened? Has he been apologetic? Has he been willing to talk about it whenever you needed to? Have you suggested ending the marriage?
Sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful for you.

LimpidPools Tue 25-Feb-20 11:15:14

No need to forgive him because he was drunk. What a load of guff. The law doesn't consider inebriation an excuse, so why should you?
And no forcing yourself to overlook it "for the kids" either. It's been said many times, but an unhappy home with a father who treats the mother with no respect is not better than you splitting.

Is he showing any remorse? Apologising?

And what was your relationship like before this happened?

PerfectParrot Tue 25-Feb-20 11:16:22

Can you access individual counselling? Then you can figure out what you want with the support of someone impartial.

Pumpkinpie1 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:17:46

What’s so wrong with a smaller house if you fill it with love. It’s safe and your own?
Your children are growing up in a toxic environment, a mum and dad who don’t like and trust each other, what’s that telling them about what a marriage should be?
That kind of poison seeps into their psyche and causes a lifetime of issues.
Any divorce agreement would cover living cost children’s activities etc
Maybe the issue is you want to turn back the clock and pretend your husband doesn’t cheat, sadly the likelihood he has and he will time and time again.

bluehairandheartbroken Tue 25-Feb-20 11:18:07

*I’m scared about leaving him- I’ve bern with since I was a teenager - I know I’m not now- I’m 20+ years older - somehow that makes it worse though. I don’t want to a single mother in my 40s
Plus if we split up it will mean a smaller house in a not so nice area and far less money and so less activities for the children and it doesn’t seem fair to destroy their little lives so much
But I don’t see how things will ever be normal again*

@mum2be2013 I could have written this word for word at the moment. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The thought of being a single mum and starting again is terrifying. But I'm now starting to wonder, what's the alternative? My mental health getting worse and worse, not trusting my husband and wondering what he's up to - that can't be great for kids either. They KNOW when their parents are unhappy. You do need to think about your own happiness. But I completely understand why you feel this way, I'm in a very similar situation and I'm currently agonising over what to do about my own marriage and it's a really horrible situation to be in. Has your husband shown any remorse at all or suggested anything he can do to try and make this right?

squeaver Tue 25-Feb-20 11:19:02

He is in the wrong. He should be doing everything he can to save the marriage. It's time for you to take control.

He needs to move out, at least temporarily, to give you time to think.

You should get some counselling as a couple and you should probably get some on your own.

Make an appointment with a solicitor to discuss the possibility of divorce and where you stand.

Get all the information on each of your options and then spend some time thinking about it.

He wants to brush it under the carpet and move on. He needs to understand that this will take time and significant effort on his part.

If he doesn't agree to all of the above, he's not taking you or your marriage seriously.

lemonysnickett88 Tue 25-Feb-20 11:19:57

If we forgive everyone who cheats when drunk then a lot of us would be in relationships with cheats. If you're happy in your relationship then drunk or not you don't cheat.

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