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I finally snapped & now he's the victim?

(276 Posts)
ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:14:22

Been with DP only 18 months.

When we met he told me he was an alpha male, had a good job, and was living with his mum short term whilst he saved for a deposit for his next house (Old house signed over to his ex).

All sounded wonderful coupled with him being tall, dark, and handsome and a bit shy.

I thought i had hit the BF jackpot being in my 30's and being single or in crap relationships until that point.

He was kind, reliable, and we did lots of fun things together. Sex was great. All good.

Then 6 months in his DM died, in her 80's and frail and very ill for months.

Since that point the sex has been non existant (4 maybe 5 times in the last year) - he says he just no longer has the urge.

Things have been unravelling a bit for the last few months. It transpires he doesnt have any money saved. He ditched his job at the end of last year as his boss was working him too hard and his DMs death basically hit him hard with no end in sight to the "eeyore" - moaning about everything and everything.
He complains about now working 3 or 4 days a week as a contractor, finishing at 3 and gets in a mood i have to deal with if he has to stay on until 4 or 4.30pm
He has no bills to pay but never has any money anymore.

Whilst he is moaning, im thinking... hmm im working longer hours, 5 days a week, in a highly stressful job, paying my mortgage, paying for my car... and all my bills, all our food for the weekend etc.

He has continued living with his dad and since xmas something had changed in my head. I just dont see how we can have a future. He is knocking on 40 years old soon with no plan for his life beyond getting through the next 24 hrs.
He spends his weekends waiting for me to entertain him by making plans (All the mental load) and 75% of the time the financial burden of activities, petrol, food.
I think ive realised we arent going to be the equal partners i had dreamed. Buying a joint home... marriage... kids...

He is depressed, i am aware of this. I pay for him to attend private counselling (As part of a private healthcare annual plan i pay for) and he has been to 4 sessions so far.
Since the sessions started i think, without knowing whats been discussed, its almost given him the right to act even more miserable? Im not sure if that makes sense, but like the counsellor has agreed he has had a tough time, so validated his feelings.

Last night i snapped. He was telling me i hadnt turned the dishwasher on (In MY house, that he has never used) as he couldnt hear it running. I snapped back. He snapped back and laughed at how wrong i was. I snapped again in frustration (Dishwasher WAS on)... and threw a clean wet wipe at him. You know, i was cleaning the work tops, just got a fresh one out... and threw it at him.

It stuck to his elbow. He then refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening and stormed out this morning in a victimy huff about how in the wrong i was.

I havent followed or spoken to him or apologised - that is ALWAYS my job to initiate the adult resolution to an arguement. And im bored of it. Especially as i dont know what i get out of this anymore.

Am i being a bitch? Should i apologise for snapping?

He is depressed - should i be more patient? Give it more time?

Im open to being told im in the wrong.

Catchuptv Sat 22-Feb-20 18:16:31


mrscold Sat 22-Feb-20 18:19:08

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Are you going to end things? Sounds like it's run its course?

ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:26:26

It feels like it has run its course in many ways which is gutting, he kept telling me things would get better when he had "gotten over" his dm a bit. But we are a year on and all the behaviour that annoys me most is actually behaviour displayed by his other family members (Funnily enough, its the reason HE doesnt like THEM that much). Behaviour he doesnt like - but displays to me and im not supposed to point out the irony?!

So i now actually think its not all the depression, its just who he is. To me, anyway. He is obviously a right laugh to his mates hmm but i just get the moaning.

squishedgrapes Sat 22-Feb-20 18:26:36

I think you need to leave
I'm suspicious about his old house being signed over to his ex, maybe it belonged to her and she had finally had enough of him
He seems quite happy to let you pay for more than your fair share, and even pay for things that you're not involved in.
He also seems to have enough motivation to argue with you about your dishwasher in your own home
Leave while you can

ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:27:55

Funny you say that about the ex and the house........
I kind of believe the same now. So does my close friend who knows the ins and outs.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant Sat 22-Feb-20 18:28:22

Sounds like the relationship has run its course. Are you still with him because you feel sorry for him?

emmylousings Sat 22-Feb-20 18:29:00

You are right OP - you are not getting anything from him. He obviously wasn't that sorted before his mum died, so it's not all about that. A future with this guy would be draining and dull. You have a totally valid reasons for ending it anyway and on top of that he is beeeing cheeky and rude to you in your own home. You sound like you have your shit together and could do a lot better.

Purplecatshopaholic Sat 22-Feb-20 18:29:50

Squished is right. Sounds like things have run their course. Time to move on

Whynosnowyet Sat 22-Feb-20 18:30:23

Fine line between depression and Twatism ime...

lazylinguist Sat 22-Feb-20 18:31:23

YANBU. But YABU to think a man who actually describes himself as an alpha male is the boyfriend jackpot! 18 months is too short a time to feel at all obliged to take on all this man's baggage. It doesn't sound as though you're compatible in terms of goals and life plans.

ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:35:18

@squishedgrapes exactly was my Dsis said....

Oh my... this isnt good is it.

@SeasonallySnowyPeasant not that i feel sorry for him but i think everyone deserves a 'break' and time to get over something tough. I dont want to walk away and be cruel when he is suffering mentally and ive not given him enough of a reasonable chance to "get his shit together"

I dont mean to drip feed at all but... on the job front... its not the first time he has walked out on a well paid job because he could no longer cope with its demands. The last time co-incided with the end of his last relationship a few years ago / the house / moving back to parents.

I just dont think he copes with life that well and adult responsibilities. And i dont think i want to be his mum which i think is what he wants.

He stayed for 2 weeks over xmas after a falling out with his dad and i said if he wanted to move in, he had to contribute towards bills... he went back to his dads shortly after. grin

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:35:19

He is a potential cocklodger. He likely would have moved into your house and you will have continued to pay for him.
Lucky escape!

Veterinari Sat 22-Feb-20 18:36:31

Get rid

ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:36:52

Blimey... this isnt looking good now im writing it down like this.

I promise he is kind and lovely most of the time... not abusive... very affectionate... blah blah. But still...

PanamaPattie Sat 22-Feb-20 18:36:55

You're first red flag was him telling you he was an alpha male. He is a waster. Get rid of him now.

june2007 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:37:22

Sounds like you have lost respect for him. Regardless of his mental health position, I would end it before you end up resenting him. And Yes, in this case, he was the victim. I think if he threw something at you you would say the same.

dworky Sat 22-Feb-20 18:37:44

You should have walked away (pissing yourself laughing) when he called himself an alpha male.

emilybrontescorsett Sat 22-Feb-20 18:38:36

I wouldn't contact him, let him stew.
If he contacts you decio what you get from this relationship.

NameChangeNugget Sat 22-Feb-20 18:39:02

Bin him off.

ChargeX Sat 22-Feb-20 18:40:01

Yeah..ive lost respect i think.
Now i feel terrible and like a nasty person. What a horrible thing. He deserves to be respected.

happytoday73 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:41:10

You've put up with enough. I ding think this is depression (although I'm sure he is to dome extent)... I think this is his true personality and what he will likely be like when he becomes a grumpy old man....

You should get out

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:41:28

Oh op

Your a big girl living in an adult world, throw the baby back in the gene pool
Time wasted on him, is time not spent on someone who can give you want you want and need.

When we get to a certain age, and the clocks ticking so to speak, we have to cut out the dead wood.

happytoday73 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:42:01

Sorry for the typos!blush

Lllot5 Sat 22-Feb-20 18:42:18

This is a very interesting thread to me. My ex was never the same after his mum died. Didn’t realise it at the time but it’s when he’s behaviours got more and more erratic.
Sorry I’ve nothing useful to say but it didn’t get any better for me I doubt it will for you.

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