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He’s going to propose but..

(116 Posts)
WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW Thu 20-Feb-20 14:10:25

Long story short, without making a long ass post.
My DP gave me his phone to use as mine had died when we were out. I was looking for something in particular and price comparing. I lost a page so went to the history to find it and saw DP has been looking at engagement rings. I’m one of these ‘can’t help myself’ crappy people who had a sneaky look.. I’m ashamed of myself for looking but it was right there. The 2-3 rings he’s looked at aren’t to my taste at all. I’m fairly big on jewellery so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want something that I like.
However I would absolutely hate to hurt his feelings regarding his choice, it’s special because he picked it, but I really don’t like the ones he’s looked at.

We’ve discussed being married briefly and how to go about it as we have a baby together now and we’ve been talking about making myself and our daughter secure for the future. I said we could go to the registry office and just do it. But DP wants to do the whole proposal and wedding party ect. Which is fine by me, I love a good party grin. So I asked him if he would choose the ring solely by himself or whether he would let me choose as he knows I can be fussy and I could take the pressure off by choosing my own. He said he wants to pick it. That’s fine, can’t complain I thought that it would be really lovely that he wants to pick it out.

So I’m glad he’s genuinely thinking of doing it and isn’t beating around the bush forever as it’s something I’d like to do for me and DD and he agrees.

But now I’m slightly scared of what my reaction will be to the ring, I know it’s not the most important part and at the end of the day its a Very minor factor. But I’m a person who likes my jewellery and fashion, I know I’m fussy and I know that the rings he’s looking at I really don’t like. It’s going to be on my finger forever, I want to like it.

I sound so selfish and rotten.

If it was you, when he proposes would you just accept it as he picked it, or would you gently tell him it’s not to your taste?

Lhia29 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:13:09

I'd accept it and certainly not mention it there and then. You can change it at some point in the future if you must but don't spoil the surprise if he thinks you don't know he's planning to propose by suggesting different rings and don't make the proposal about how you hate the ring. Just my opinion though!

dancemom Thu 20-Feb-20 14:13:41

Accept he picked it. It will be special for that reason.

Knitwit99 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:13:47

You have to wear it and look at it every day so I think you should get a say in what it looks like. Even if you pick out a few and he chooses between them? You should definitely be able to say if you want a diamond or a ruby or whatever.

MulticolourMophead Thu 20-Feb-20 14:17:30

I think you should pick a ring together. He needs to like it, but you also need to like it as you will be the one wearing it.

Can you manufacture a conversation?

HollowTalk Thu 20-Feb-20 14:20:33

Can you have a "friend from work" who's got engaged and whose ring you don't like?!

This is where he should be asking you or your best friend, rather than choosing something himself when he doesn't have a clue what you like.

Level75 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:21:23

Why don't you propose to him then buy a ring yourself? Serious suggestion as this is what I did.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 20-Feb-20 14:23:52

You’re going to be wearing it for the rest of your life, his only consideration should be giving you a ring you love. If he wants to choose it himself (annoying, in my opinion) he should be asking you for very clear guidance on the sort of thing you like. As he hasn’t, I’d make a point of showing/telling him the sort of thing you do and don’t like. Eg “jane down the road got engaged the other week and has the prettiest emerald cut whatever it is, that’s exactly the type of thing I’d like. I know you said you wanted to choose mine so please get something similar” or “oh no, look at the ring on that actress on tv, god I’d never wear something like that because xyz”.

If he wants to play these games despite you having a baby and having already agreed to get married, then play them back to him and get what you want.

FlowerArranger Thu 20-Feb-20 14:24:22

Why don't you propose to him then buy a ring TOGETHER?

fedup21 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:24:31

Can you have a "friend from work" who's got engaged and whose ring you don't like?!

Or an ‘OMG-I has this dream where you picked me a ring and it wasn’t what I wanted at all-it was awful...can you imagine?!

Then move onto-‘that’s made me think-should we talk about this!’

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 20-Feb-20 14:24:48

He needs to like it

Does he? Why? He can pick his own ring.

Neverwrestlewithapig Thu 20-Feb-20 14:29:48

My dh wanted to propose with a ring but was worried about choosing the right one (as was I wink). Our way round it was he bought a cheaper one for the proposal then we went shopping together for the ‘forever one’ which was lovely. Would that be an option for you? The original ring was slightly bigger so came in handy when my chubby pregnant fingers got too big for my proper rings!

notalwaysalondoner Thu 20-Feb-20 14:37:34

We also picked ours together and I’m so glad we did. I look at it every day so it’s pretty important you love it. I realised after that most couples we know chose them together, or at least gave super clear instructions, just people don’t tend to talk about it.

I’d go for the “I know you said you wanted to pick it so just want to make sure you know that I hate solitaires/love Art Deco designs/want a sapphire” It’s typically a lot of money so it’s not fair on either of you to just leave him to get it wrong then you to resent it.

albus55 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:40:58

When my now husband proposed I didn't like the ring and it wasn't what I would have picked. Six years on I love it and couldn't be without it because it's special because he picked it. Since getting engaged our financial situation has changed dramatically and he has offered to 'upgrade' it plenty of times but I always decline. I'd wait it out and see how you feel afterwards.

AlexaAmbidextra Thu 20-Feb-20 14:41:58

I think you need to have a choice of your own ring. You need to choose it together.

Tighnabruaich Thu 20-Feb-20 14:43:22

We went out and picked the ring together. He has very different tastes to me, and has often pointed out items of clothing, shoes etc that he thought I'd like, whereas they were nothing I would ever have chosen. So I think you might want to say, actually I think I'd rather come with you - also, what might look good in the jeweller's shop, might look different when he brings it home and puts it on your finger - size of jewel to knuckle ratio, does the colour of the stone suit your skin tone etc. Makes it easier to be resized too if you are there on the spot.

fedup21 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:48:35

So I asked him if he would choose the ring solely by himself or whether he would let me choose as he knows I can be fussy and I could take the pressure off by choosing my own. He said he wants to pick it.

I don’t think I could have moved away from that conversation without saying something...!

Wow, are you sure?
That’s either v brave or rather foolish!
I really really like platinum, you know.
I have always wanted a solitaire.
I would hate a coloured ring/cluster/yellow gold/illusion setting etc.

Whistle73 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:49:01

My DH proposed with a ring I hadn't chosen and to be honest I really wish he hadn't. He went to a standard high street chain and only spent a couple of hundred pounds. The ring he picked looked and felt quite cheap - it was only 9ct gold, and a few years later one of the diamonds fell out - I luckily found it and got it put back in but then a year later another one fell out and was never seen again so I don't wear it at all now.

It wasn't lack of money that made him buy that one, he could have spent more but just didn't realise. It also rankled that he took his mum with him to choose it and I felt that spoilt it for me a little bit.

I have never said anything of course, but do wish he had either waited or pushed the boat out a little bit!

I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat - but I just felt ever so slightly wistful when I saw friends' rings that they still wear now, glistening away! I don't really wear any other jewellery apart from my wedding ring and I'm not high maintenance at all, but it does make me feel a bit sad.

Frenchw1fe Thu 20-Feb-20 14:49:21

Even 45 years ago i got to pick my own ring and tbh my face would give me away if I was disappointed.
It's not a piece of jewellery for occasional wear so you have to like it and imo you have to choose it.
You need to orchestrate a conversation around this and tell him that when the time comes you would like to choose your ring with him.
My dd got engaged on holiday and bought the ring on their return.
There's no way you would go out and buy him an expensive gift without knowing he would like it and this is no different.

Queenoftheashes Thu 20-Feb-20 14:52:29

Yeah you need to let him know what rings you hate and what you like. The “friend from work” suggestion works. I have a friend who has an approved list of designs albeit it relies on him asking for her opinion

Lelophants Thu 20-Feb-20 14:53:38

Say you've had a rethink and would like to choose rings together.

Hadalifeonce Thu 20-Feb-20 14:54:57

I never wear my engagement ring, it is made of raffia and is over 20 years old.
It's not the ring, it's the marriage that counts.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Thu 20-Feb-20 14:55:14

You have to wear this ring forever and chances are it's going to cost a fair few quid! Steer him into a conversation about what you like/hate and make sure he picks something you like if he is insistent upon choosing it himself.

My husband proposed with no ring - he said there was no way he was going to choose something without my input, which is very sensible given I'm fussy.

Also, you don't know what you are going to like until you actually see it on your finger - go and try some on.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 20-Feb-20 14:57:22

I gave my DP some hints on things I liked or didn’t like about various jewellery we saw in shops/on people/in magazines, and he chose mine. It was a complete surprise, I was very excited and I couldn’t imaging changing the ring. He put so much thought into it and the proposal.

Frenchw1fe Thu 20-Feb-20 14:58:40

Ive just remembered when it was my daughters 18th she wanted a necklace so I got her to pick out 4 that she liked and then I made the final choice.
Perhaps you could suggest that you do something similar. He will have the final pick and you will love your ring.

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