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Husband grieving for OW

(800 Posts)
Filly2011 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:25:04

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Ullupullu Fri 14-Feb-20 21:27:22

Why are you still with him? Doesn't sound like he wants to be with you... you're second best?

CinnnemonBeauty Fri 14-Feb-20 21:28:16

I think really no matter how much he wants to work at it - how much do you value yourself? He cheated on you. Not a one off for 14 months. Get your ducks in a row and leave him to his selfish ‘grief’.

PennyGold Fri 14-Feb-20 21:28:38

I know I don't know the whole story, but this is so disrespectful to you.
Not only did he cheat, he's now moping about after saying he "wants to make it work".
I couldn't be with someone who thought so little of me.

Yogawoogie Fri 14-Feb-20 21:30:00

He had an affair and still loves her but HE wants to keep the marriage. Wake up op, he’s gone.

kcw1986 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:30:39

Throw him out!!!!!

SlippersAndThePaper Fri 14-Feb-20 21:31:42

You can’t work at a marriage when he still loves the OW. She dumped him so essentially you’re his second choice. Don’t be that.

Saranvenya Fri 14-Feb-20 21:31:55

OP if he truely wanted things to work he'd keep his selfish, self centred thoughts to himself.
How dare he dump that on you, you really do deserve better and as hard as it may be for you, for your own self esteem put a stop to this and tell him where to go.

WhiteBadger Fri 14-Feb-20 21:32:34

Why are you still with him? I don't understand from you post what's keeping you there?

Am I missing something?

Do you have kids?

Standrewsschool Fri 14-Feb-20 21:33:19

listen to what he is telling you, that he is still in love with ow. Maybe he genuinely thought that he could make a success of it with you, but now he realised that it’s not going to happen.

Take control and start making the decesions, and do what you want to do, not him.

WinterCat Fri 14-Feb-20 21:33:31

I’m sorry, OP. This must be awful for you. I agree with PP that you need to LTB.

SecretWitch Fri 14-Feb-20 21:34:03

Not a chance in hell. Off he goes to “grieve” by himself.

I’m wishing you a very happy life without this spoiled man, op.💐

Filly2011 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:34:04

Saying he only really thinks about her when I get upset and berate him about the affair. I keep bringing her up when he’s doing his best to forget her (despite the love etc).
God I’m depressed. This is all of his making and I feel like I’ve got all the burden!

eyemask Fri 14-Feb-20 21:34:10

You're worth more than this, you leave him! He's checked out but with you for convenience.

SecretWitch Fri 14-Feb-20 21:35:55

@Filly2011, this is not your burden. He chose to break his vows to you..and now wants you to pick up the pieces? Fuck that. You deserve better than this..

kcw1986 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:36:13

OP he’s blaming you when he’s the one that’s caused the problem. Tell him to get out, you deserve better than being a second choice.

Flagg Fri 14-Feb-20 21:36:32


Kick him out!!

Filly2011 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:38:02

We have lots of kids but they are grown up and left. We are in our 60s. I felt so scared he’d leave at first (due to age and v long marriage) but now I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear this but I’m scared to be alone I guess.

CremeEggThief Fri 14-Feb-20 21:38:16

Dump him ASAP.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he has behaved appallingly and is making this all about him. Where is his remorse, guilt and sorrow for how he has treated you?

How dare he!

Craftycorvid Fri 14-Feb-20 21:38:51

That’s incredibly tough to hear, OP. Is the counselling helping, do you think? Your DH’s feelings for the OW sound like something he feels the need to process, whether it’s helpful to process them in your presence is less certain. Hopefully you will be given the opportunity to say how you feel about this disclosure.

Waxonwaxoff0 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:39:54

He's checked out of the marriage.

He would have continued the affair if she hadn't ended it. He only wants to work on the marriage because he's lost her and he's scared of losing everything now.

You deserve someone who loves you and only you. LTB.

OlivejuiceU2 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:40:57

Go and have a fabulous life without him! Seriously.

Craftycorvid Fri 14-Feb-20 21:40:59

In therapy I mean! And having your own individual therapy with another therapist may be helpful.

Filly2011 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:41:20

The counsellor made him admit it. He was hesitant to say in front of me at first but then said how can he get over “someone like that” when I just go on and on about it.

Faith50 Fri 14-Feb-20 21:41:29

I am so sorry OP.
It appears your dh fell in love with the ow. Where does this leave you?
Are you expected to sit around and wait until he 'gets over her'?
Where is your dh's remorse at having a 14 month affair?

If OW had not dumped your dh, he would likely still be with her.

Only you know what you need to do.

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