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Husband touches me in sleep

(80 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Bopeep63 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:38:53

We used to have a v active sex life before kids now it's less often . I dont know if hes frustrated and acting things out in his sleep?
I wake to him touching me ofteb. Last night he was touching me and licking my neck. I know some people may like this but I really dont. I've spoken to him but it Carrie's on. Sometimes I think hes aware of what hes doing but most of the time not.
He also gets frustrated at not having sex as much. I would be quite happy with once a month atm tbh I'm exhausted and have 4 kids. But I give in often because he pesters me and keeps going on. If I say I'm tired he will tell me it will be quick and guilt me into it too by asking do I not find him attractive like he does me. Etc. So I often give in so I can just get some sleep.
Its becoming an issue for me a bit. I feel anxious thinking about tonight its valentines and no doubt he will use that and I'll feel bad and give in.
Not really sure why I'm posting. Any advice would be great I guess.

FrogsFrogs Fri 14-Feb-20 17:51:46

Hi this is not the right topic for this @mnhq can it be moved so op gets some advice?

Sorry op this sounds awful he is totally out of order.

Bopeep63 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:52:15

Just to confirm I mean touching my private parts not just my body

Bopeep63 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:53:30

Oh sorry didnt realise I posted in wrong section?not sure how to move it

AliceDownARabbitHole Fri 14-Feb-20 17:56:03

I think he does know what he's doing, he's just telling you he doesn't. My ex used to do this too. I'd wake up and find him on top of me. He allegedly didn't know what he was doing either. I hated it. I asked him to stop and he didn't. Because he couldn't help it 🙄 Now he's an ex.

LilyMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 14-Feb-20 18:02:04

We're moving this over to the relationship topic, OP.

thefourgp Fri 14-Feb-20 18:02:17

It’s sexual assault. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He intentionally does this when you’re asleep and can’t stop him. He is sexually abusing you when he knows you cannot consent. I would immediately start sleeping in a separate locked bedroom until you decide what to do about him. Do not let him minimise this. It’s a big deal and you should not be fobbed off with any bullshit excuses.

HorseFlyOfExtraordinaryLength Fri 14-Feb-20 18:04:21

Oh yeah? If you're not there does he lick the pillow?

Bopeep63 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:11:21

I actually think hes asleep. He sleepwalks sometimes too

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 18:14:32

This is sexual assault, OP. You say he is aware at least some of the time that he's doing it, so you know that you have told him to stop and he has not stopped.

Tell him that the next time he does it, asleep or not, you will call the police. And mean it. And if he still doesn't stop then I would leave him.

ItsNotJustTheFuckingFlu Fri 14-Feb-20 18:15:03

It's not ok. It's really not. He knows you don't consent and coerced consent is not consent.

Every time I see a woman post this scenario of they husband sexually touching them in their sleep after being clearly asked not to there is always some people compare it to their own relationship where they enjoy being woken by sexual touching and that posters are being OTT calling it assault.

It's not OTT, there's a word for men who sexually touch women when they've said no or who coerce consent like he is doing. You have w what are you doing right not to be scared to go to sleep in your own bed.

HorseFlyOfExtraordinaryLength Fri 14-Feb-20 18:17:38

The pestering needs to stop completely. Tell him. Then separate bedrooms if you can if he doesn't desist.

12345kbm Fri 14-Feb-20 18:17:45

OP coerced sex (making you feel guilty, pestering you etc) is sexual assault as is touching you in your sleep. He is aware of what he's doing. He's pretending to be asleep.

pooopypants Fri 14-Feb-20 18:18:04

You don't give consent. This is sexual assault, sleepwalking or not.

RandomMess Fri 14-Feb-20 18:18:43

Does he actually help out as much with the DC as he could? If he did would you be less shattered and more interested in sex???

The fact he sleep walks means perhaps he is asleep sometimes or perhaps it's just an excuse...

If he was as shattered as you I doubt he would be getting so frisky.

thefourgp Fri 14-Feb-20 18:20:02

I sometimes talk in my sleep and sleepwalk. I’ve never sexually assaulted someone sharing my bed no matter how horny I’ve felt. Stop making excuses for him. You know this isn’t right which is why you have posted here. You need to be strong. Are you scared of him OP?

justasking111 Fri 14-Feb-20 18:22:24

Mine might give me a nudge in the mornings to see if I was in the mood, but he never did anything like this. I might give him a nudge if I was feeling frisky. But NO means NO. I know this phrase is over worked but it still holds true.

DowntonCrabby Fri 14-Feb-20 18:38:44

This is horrifying, you must realise this is abuse.

Also he is NOT asleep.

Dogladyxo Fri 14-Feb-20 18:43:06

I can't believe what I'm reading

AliceDownARabbitHole Fri 14-Feb-20 18:51:33

He's not asleep op. He's lying to you. I promise you. He's not asleep.

HJWT Fri 14-Feb-20 19:09:38

'DH touch me again when I am asleep without asking me first and it will be going down as sexual assault'

Bopeep63 Fri 14-Feb-20 19:46:18

Hjwt I dont think I can say that he will say it's a sleep condition which it may be and I've googled it and it says it's a thing.
Thanks for replies I'm processing sorry for not replying just thinking.

fastliving Fri 14-Feb-20 19:50:46

So if one of your children were co-sleeping with you he could potentially do it to them?

Or maybe sleepwalk into their room and sexual assault them?

If he really is asleep then this would be a massive concern to me.

fastliving Fri 14-Feb-20 19:52:31

I wonder what his response to the suggestion that if he sexual assaults you when you are asleep and he has no control over this, that actually your 4 children are in danger of being sexually assaulted by him?

12345kbm Fri 14-Feb-20 19:53:06

It's not OP, you're just in denial but it's an awful thing to acknowledge. His behaviour when he thinks you're asleep is congruent with the rest of his sex pest behaviour. Try contacting Rape Crisis or the National Helpline for information and advice. What I'm worried about is this escalating to rape. Be careful.

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