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Am i right to be mad?

(46 Posts)
Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 15:17:12

Long story, will try to keep it short and dry not to drip feed (apologies if i do, im so mad)

So, this time last year, i realised OH had got himself in a pickle with debt. He was stupid by not telling me the extent of his debt and i had a part to blame as i never questioned where the money was coming from.

Anyway, right there and then, i took control, sorted his debt out, consolidated it all, lower repayments etc and i insisted we budgeted and saved.
So thats what we did. Amy spare cash we got, it went into savings. We have had a few treats along the way (mainly taking DS places like chessington, legoland etc)
But in this year, we have save the best park of 11k.

So, today is payday, and i always move the money about, money into the bills account spends account and savings when I seen his spends account had a substantial amount of money in there (a couple of 1000)
I am aware of where the money came from, i wasnt aware we would get it so quickly, nor of the amount but we hadnt discussed what to do with it.

So, i see this money, and move it along with the other money into the savings account. OH works nights so figured i would wait for him to wake and ask him about it then.

He calls me (im at work) and asked where the money is, what have i done with it and for me to put it straight back into his account. Granted, technically its his money.
His tone was off and he was insinuating that id know about the money from when it was put in his bank (yesterday) and i hadnt told him.
In truth, he knew it was there the whole time, never told me as he 'wanted to sit on it until he decided what to do with it' even though he knew id see it today as its payday!

Im narked for the following reasons:

1) He never told me straight way about the money, has made it clear its his money and clearly had considered to discuss with me on what to do with it. I came into money i months ago (not as much as this) and i put it into savings, didnt even consider anything different.
2) Im his wife, and he treated me like i had stole and spent the money. Kept telling me to give it back, that it wasnt mine
3) We are saving to buy a house, his priorities are not the same as mine clearly
4) He wants to put it in shares, id rather not, but then i dont know enough about shares to know if its a good idea or not
5) He said he is sick of asking me for money. We both have an allowance for monthly spends on whatever, but clothes, car stuff etc comes out the savings. But a year ago, we agreed that we would do this as he couldnt be trusted due to the debt and the ridiculous amount of money a month he was spending on ebay on crappy gadgets (about £60 per month) now, he is throwing it in my face that i (and he) have worked hard in saving this money and sorting our lives out financially) we no longer have to worry about money.

He has made a valid point though in the fact that all our savings are in my account, under my name, so if anything was to happen to me, he wouldnt have access to it. I have 2 accounts, one is an ISA help to buy so that can only be in my name but the other is a standard savings account so i agreed that we will get his name put on next week.
He is and has done in the past, that im going to run off with the money, which is pretty upsetting for me, as i would never do that.

Sorry if ive waffled...
Am i right to be slightly cheesed off?

Blurby Fri 14-Feb-20 15:27:04

I'm married, we have a joint account etc. but I wouldn't move my husbands money without discussing first, just in case.

But I think in your situation, there's more to it. He's probably frustrated with not having financial control, particularly if things have become a bit money orientated. However, where the money goes should 100% be a joint decision. What's his reasoning for shares if you're saving for a house? That's odd.

mrsm43s Fri 14-Feb-20 15:53:39

It sounds like you are too controlling over money. I understand he had previous debt issues, but he's not a child.

Is buying a house a shared goal? Or is it your goal.

It's up to him to decide what to do with his money, although since you are married it would be good for him to discuss it with you.

But helping yourself to his money from out of his account without his agreement is massively overstepping the mark. I would be LIVID if my husband did this, and it borders on financial control/abuse. If I was you I would put the money straight back into his account, apologise profusely and let him make up his own mind on what he wants to do with it. I'd stop looking at his account. Its not your place, his personal spends account should be private (if he needs to transfer across an amount for joint bills etc, then get him to set up a DD)

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 16:44:49

Hey

Im not helping myself as such, i do this every month when we get paid. It was an agreement we both had, and he was happy to comply...

As regards to the money, its complicated. But i will say its not entirely his money. Some may argue its half mine also. If not i certainly have a say on where it goes.

Yep, you are right, i have got controlling with money but for the right reasons. I cant go back to how we were living this time last year. I need to have a back up for our family.
My husband lost his job 6 months ago, and had we of not had that money, we would have been up shit creek. Hubby got another one straight away, which sort of tide us over until he got a better one so worked out ok.
We both agreed that buying a house was our priority for security for alot of reasons. It just seems im more focused than he is.
Clearly we need to have a chat but im so angry with him
Had he of told me this money was in there, then we could have had the discussion of what to do with it there and then and this could have been avoided.
He asked me last week to move all his money out of his account as he was worried his account would get hacked as he had a virus on his phone. So why would tit be ok then, and not now? (Apologies to drip feed)

Pilot12 Fri 14-Feb-20 16:54:00

I would give it back, if he spends it all in a month on eBay you have proved a point and he won't have a leg to stand on next time this situation comes up.

Blurby Fri 14-Feb-20 17:19:41

The main issue sounds like unclear/blurred communication. Can you have a good big talk about it all and future plans?

Newmetoday Fri 14-Feb-20 17:36:46

You’re way too controlling. He’s probably sick of it

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:38:30

I could give it back, but if he decided to blow it all on ebay, then it would most certainly be the end of our marriage.

We had a real quick chat (passing ships due to work) he apologised, i explained my intentions but moving the money and suggested we have a chat tomorrow night when DS is in bed.
Communication is hard as we only ever have the wkend to talk.

I still stand by the fact that he went about it the wrong way.

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 17:38:57

by moving the money

mrsm43s Fri 14-Feb-20 19:38:23

So you made him apologise because you helped yourself to his money from his account without his agreement, and control everything he spends.

Brilliant.

You may be a few £K up now, but the long term cost to your relationship will be far, far more.

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 19:50:32

Oh please...

Helped myself, i didnt go a book a flaming holiday with it did i? I put it into savings.

As previously stated... he asked me to move all the money from his account as he was worried he would get hacked as his phone had a virus....

He also asked me to take full control of the money as he was struggling managing it with the debt he was in...

Why was ok then, but when it suits, its not?

He insinuated that i was a theif and i was intending to run off with the money...
So, yes... i bloody well did deserve a flaming apology!!!!!

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 19:54:40

Answer is to keep your savings in your own accounts.

If he doesn't trust you (and to be fair I wouldn't want my savings in an account I can't access) then your budgeting is not going to work.

And those savings you inherited should go to your personal savings account.

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:07:52

Well, i have 2 accounts. 1 is an ISA so i cant do anything with that. But the other account which has the most money in, was in just my name, we just never got round to adding his name to it which we are both guilty too.
So we are going to add his name to it on tuesday. I totally agree that he should have access to it as well.

I lost alot of trust in my husband last year when i found all this debt. It takes a long time to build that back up. This is the first ive heard that he was unhappy with this arrangement.

I cant see how anyone would be ok for their husband to accuse them of running off with all their savings.
Im bloody hurt!

shiningstar2 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:10:09

I can understand your anxieties it he has spent a lot of money on gambling in the past. It may have been his money but it interfered with your joint plans and as you knew nothing about what he was doing it would also impact on trust issues regarding him and money.

If things have been going better, maybe now's the time for a civilized review with cards on the table on both sides. You say that you have 2 savings accounts both in your name with one of them being a help to buy ISA. Could he not also have a help to buy ISA in his name? That way you are both committed to your ultimate goal but he has equal access to money you've both earned. I'm not sure if right to buy ISAs work that way, but if not I think he should still have some of the money put into a savings account of his own.

I realize this has risks but you can't police him for ever. Have a savings account each or a joint savings account. Your dp may have learnt his lesson regarding gambling debts ext. If not it's better you find out now before you commit to a mortgage together. Good luck op. flowers

shiningstar2 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:12:56

Crossed posts with you op.

strawberry2017 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:14:21

I completely understand why you have taken control. He can't be trusted. He's proved that and he also asked you to keep control.
I wouldn't put him on the savings account unless it was one where you both had to agree for withdrawals to be made.
I don't really understand why you are been given such a hard time.
It's not like you spent it you put it somewhere safe until you could talk.
How he has reacted would make me question what going on that made him react that way?

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 20:19:10

OP, are you going to trust him with your money too? I don't think that's wife?

Can you work out how much was saved jointly (or out of family money) and put half in your own account?

The fact that he intended that new money for himself is very worrying and bit of a red flag.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 14-Feb-20 20:19:46

Hi OP

I have seen a million threads on here with situations like yours where the woman has worked so hard to get the family out of debt then the man has got into debt again and then the cycle has continued a few times...and the woman is always asking am i being unreasonable for trying to keep control of the finances. Not asking what most people would ask - am I being unreasonable for giving this man who has let my family down another chance?

I am totally with you. You've done everything to get him out of a mess he created. Now he has the chance to create a future for your family, he is getting angry that you wont let him fuck it up. That's not ok. I'm not sure theres a way to get past this

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 20:19:48

*wise not wife

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:22:47

Thanks shining star - too clarify, no gambling was involved in getting into debt. I think he just got himself in a mess after DS was born.
Unfortunately, he doesnt fit the criteria for help to buy ISA as he has previously owned, i did explore this when we agreed to buy a house.

Ok, so i didnt want to mention this as i didnt want this trailing off in a different direction but it has anyway.

The money was one of OH pensions. It was a pension where he had only worked at the company for a short while so we agreed we could do with the money now, due to wanting to buy a house. I never knew how much it was for (i thought it was for alot less to be honest) i am younger than my husband, so this pension , the way i saw it, was to go towards our future.

That said, i do totally agree that now we are more comfortable, perhaps a chat us needed (which i mentioned to OH earlier) and to 'review' the current situation and perhaps give him more control...
The mortgage would just me in my name as we wouldnt afford the repayments if he was on the mortgage.

writingsonthewall Fri 14-Feb-20 20:26:58

Sorry if I've missed this but where has this extra money come from?

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 20:28:50

Unfortunately, he doesnt fit the criteria for help to buy ISA as he has previously owned, i did explore this when we agreed to buy a house.

The criteria is that you can't be a current owner. They don't mind if you previously owned a home but no longer do.

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:29:13

Sorry X posts.

He says he 'was thinking' of putting some of it in shares. Im not keen if im honest, but thats because i dont know alot about it so will need to explore this.

I guess at some point i will have to trust him with money?
I think he is worried that if something happens to me, he has no access to the money. Which i get and which is why i should put his name on 1 of the accounts.

But, i also have my son to think of. The way we were this time last year, we had nothing! If the car went up it, we would have had to of got in more debt to get another! What about my boy.. i have to make sure we are secure for him.

I definitely believe we can get past this. I think we need a chat and see a)if we are happy with how it is and B) how can we change it if we are not.

Dirtygirty35 Fri 14-Feb-20 20:32:25

@Poohpooh i just googled it after seeing what you posted and the top criteria is 'has to be a first time buyer...

Perhaps i took that out of context 😬

Although not sure how it will work with only my name on the mortgage.

Poohpooh Fri 14-Feb-20 20:38:23

Yes, the first-time buyer just means that you can't currently own a home.

You can apply with just one name on the mortgage.

You are married so he would still be entitled to his share of the house.

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