Moving into partner’s family home

[NewBrideToBe]

Have NCd for this thread.

We don’t currently live together but have been talking about it for some time.

We normally spend most of our time together at mine. I go to his for Christmas and other family occasions. He has 4 adult children and I have 2. Everyone gets on ok although one of his daughters doesn’t like me. After trying for a long time to gradually win her trust and forge a friendship I have accepted that polite frostiness from her is the best I’ll get.

DP and I are discussing marriage and where we would live. He wants me to move in with him which on the surface would make sense as it is a lot bigger than mine. However I really don’t like the idea of moving into what was his marital home. His ex and mother of children is still a big part of his life and I get on with her for the sake of DP and his children/grandchildren. But when she is around in his house I feel like they are still married and I am a spare part in the home they built together as a family.

The reason he kept the house was because the youngest 2 were still school age when she had an affair and left to be with OM. They decided that it made sense for him to buy her out so that the children had as little upheaval as possible.

He has brought up the subject of selling the house with the children and it was met with great objection, unsurprisingly in particular from the daughter that doesn’t like me.

DP is torn and is now reluctant to sell. I would like a fresh start though and make our own home together.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s a dealbreaker but we are at stalemate.

If anyone has experience of this I’d be grateful for any advice. TIA

[Mum4Fergus]

Could you look to rent together to see how things go before you make any permanent/longer term decisions?

[Robin2323]

Are any of his children still at home?

[NewBrideToBe]

Thanks for your reply.

Yes that is an option. But we already spend most of our time together at mine so compatibly isn’t the issue. It’s where we live that’s the sticking point. I’d be prepared to compromise and try living at his house but only if he is willing to accept that if it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy then we need to rethink whether we have a future together.

[NewBrideToBe]

No all his children have flown the nest.

[TARSCOUT]

I move in with DP and never truly felt it was my home. He didn't make me feel like this, it just wasn't ours. If his DC have left home why is ex still visiting and why do his DC have a say. I think your compromise sounds good.

[Confizzled]

I wouldn’t move into what was their family home. Would feel I didn’t really belong there, their kitchen that they probably chose together, The master bedroom would bug me as I would feel like I’m in what was their room, sleeping in her place. They prob showered together in the same place where you’ll be washing your hair. I know people who have though and it worked fine, just not for me No thanks.
Although if it was only temporary then I could grin and bare it, if the plan was to put his on the market and buy together. however, do you really need the bigger house with all grown up children?

[oodlemynoodle]

I had a whole thread about this once

Move if you can. I'm in the ex marital home and cry every single day

I've remodelled everything, painted everything solid, even ripped up tiled floors..you name it, even replaced the skirting boards

Breaks my heart

[NewBrideToBe]

@oodlemynoodle

That’s really interesting as remodelling was something he suggested but I’m not keen on.

Would I be able to find your thread on search?

[oodlemynoodle]

Try searching for this

[oodlemynoodle]

The remodel has cost over £20k..

£20k I could have put towards a new home

Our pictures are now where theirs sat

Don't do it to yourself

[PinkMonkeyBird]

There's nothing wrong in moving into someone's ex-marital home, but I'd be laying down boundaries and expectations, into making it your home too.

I have 2 friends who got together and my male friend moved into my female friend's house. She used to own it with her ex-H. From the offset, she made it very clear that it was their home together and they made plans to redecorate/refurbish it. It wasn't to make the place unrecognisable, it was more to give him some reassurance that there was no sentimental attachment. A clean start for the both of them. They've done a lot to the house together and they are getting married next month.

I think it's great that your DP and his ex get on well, it's part of a healthy relationship/outlook. Don't resent it, because he is wanting to make a life with you not her. It is your own insecurity making you feel like she is still a part of the marital home. This is bricks and mortar we are talking about. He did a good thing for his kids giving them a stable life when his ex bogged off with the OM. I'd be having an honest conversation with him and tell him if you do move in, you want to be feel 100% comfortable. Is he open to you redecorating/putting your stamp on things. What's going to be the financial set up?

Lastly, as his kids no longer live in the marital home, surely it is up to HIM to sell it, if you decide to buy something totally new together. They should have no part in the decision making as they now live independently as adults.

[NewBrideToBe]

Thanks oodle. That is really helpful.

[oodlemynoodle]

Just keep chanting "self preservation" at yourself

Maybe you're a stronger person that I am, I hope so. Good luck

[Pastryapronsucks]

If the kids have flown the nest then I would recommend both selling up and starting afresh

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

If his DC have left home why is ex still visiting and why do his DC have a say

This ^^

It has an awful sound of his ex and DCs controlling things "because they can", and while sensitivity is important I'd have thought it time for his focus to shift a little now they're off and building their own lives

[user1471449295]

I don’t really see what selling his house has to do with his adult children who have flown the nest. Does he pander to them regularly?

[Butterymuffin]

If his house is bigger and it 'makes more sense' to live there, why is it that you currently spend most of your time at your place?

[AlexaAmbidextra]

It really is none of his adult children’s business if he decides to sell the house. I would suggest this happens though. I have a friend who married a man and moved into his former marital home. She was nothing to do with the break up of his marriage but his non-resident adult children had keys to the house and treated her like shit. Her lily-livered husband wouldn’t stand up to them and they made her life a misery.

[Mintjulia]

It's nothing to do with his dcs, they are independent adults and have left home.

Buy somewhere new. It will help them understand there is no going back, and the ex won't feel like popping round any more.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Interesting point about the adult kids still having their own keys and popping round. Do your step kids have their own keys.

I suppose it comes down to the adult kids considering the house their home but you who would actually live there, wouldn't properly consider it your home. Which would be horrible.

The kids may think of it as more theirs than yours, presumably come in and help themselves to things etc. It has potential to be very difficult.

[NewBrideToBe]

Chamomiletea

Yes they have keys. My dc have keys to my house too but only use them with permission, ie if they’re coming round for dinner and I am running late I’ll text to say let yourself in.

His DC definitely consider the house as theirs but that’s not surprising since it’s where they grew up.
They use the house regularly for children’s parties etc (3 of his dcs have their own dc) and his ex is obviously invited.

Downsizing would be my ideal choice as that would put a stop to this. But DP is used to the set up and is slow to change in general.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I’d be prepared to compromise and try living at his house but only if he is willing to accept that if it makes me uncomfortable and unhappy then we need to rethink whether we have a future together

Given your latest post about him being "used to the set up" and "slow to change" I'm not sure I'd risk this. Once in situ there's every chance that you'd simply be expected to accept the status quo, with any comments perceived as you "being difficult" - something the ex and the less happy DD would probably drip subtly into his ear

In all the circumstances I'm afraid I'd want this sorted out before any wedding, rather than trusting to chance afterwards

[NewBrideToBe]

Good point Puzzled

[NewBrideToBe]

I’m prepared for the possibility that it is a dealbreaker.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Once in situ there's every chance that you'd simply be expected to accept the status quo, with any comments perceived as you "being difficult"

Indeed. My friends husband promised many times that they would sell the former family home. Thirty years later they’re still there.