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Can’t forgive DH for picking a fight at my mothers funeral

(49 Posts)
RoxytheRexy Fri 14-Feb-20 12:39:41

This time last year we were driving home from my mother’s funeral. A city in the north to a city in the south west, roughly 4 hours. Obviously it had been a very difficult day. I was cremating my mother, I was 8 weeks post partum following a c-section that needed an extra wide incision. My wound had opened up the night before and I had had to redress it myself with some dressing I had at home.

My husband picked a massive fight over the childcare arrangements and didn’t bring any smart clothes with him. It was awful. My entire family were there and I cried in the funeral car on the way to the crematorium.

I just can’t forgive him for this. And it being a year on just makes me realise this. I just can’t get past this.

I’m pretty confident it’s over but we have 2 small children and it will be so hard to untangle everything

PicsInRed Fri 14-Feb-20 12:47:40

but we have 2 small children and it will be so hard to untangle everything

Harder than spending the rest of your youth and/or life tied to this abusive bastard?

Some things are simply unforgivable and so they should be. Of course nothing is "forgivable" without real remorse - the bare minimum requirement of forgiveness which he has failed to meet. Even if this was forgivable. Which it's not.

Divorce is an investment in the rest of your life.

Quadrangle Fri 14-Feb-20 12:48:40

Soŕry to read that. He sounds horrible and it would be understandable for you not to forgive him. Could you work towards being in a position to leave him?

minipie Fri 14-Feb-20 12:49:33

I’m sorry, that must have been horrible. Was this a one off or is this typical of him?

Why did he not help you re dress your wound?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Fri 14-Feb-20 12:49:39

Who did he pick a fight with?

saraclara Fri 14-Feb-20 12:51:05

Was it a public fight? And actually at the funeral?

CoffeeCoinneseur Fri 14-Feb-20 12:51:46

I couldn't get past that either.

At a time when you were doubly vulnerable and needing both physical and emotional support, he picked a fight and acted like a massive bellend.

What's the situation now - Are you working? Do you own or rent your home? Do you have family and friends nearby?

FetchezLaVache Fri 14-Feb-20 12:56:15

I take it you've tried to put it behind you, but some things just aren't forgivable. Have you ever talked about what he did that day? Has he acknowledged his wrongdoing and apologised? Because if he hasn't, then he presumably isn't sorry, and you'll never get past ill treatment if the culprit isn't actually sorry for what they did.

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 14-Feb-20 12:58:37

Omg. What a horrific man. That’s shocking. Yes you must leave him. I could never get over it either. No one should have to deal with that.

So sorry for your loss flowers

stayingontherail Fri 14-Feb-20 12:59:01

I’m sorry this happened to you and sorry for your loss. Yes it will be hard to untangle everything but not impossible. Just take it one small step at a time and you will get there. Is there something small you can do today to get the ball rolling?

RoxytheRexy Fri 14-Feb-20 13:03:20

Sorry he picked a fight with me in the house getting ready/waiting for the cars to arrive.

I am working part time as a nurse. Unfortunately I do shifts so need him for childcare as I mostly do nights. House is a joint mortgage.

As to wether it was a one off then yes but no. He had been very odd leading up to it. Leaving me completely bewildered. He had been complaining of back pain and the day before he said he wouldn’t be able to drive but I think he was putting it on. He had questioned the childcare arrangements but had then agreed to them. He did mention something about getting a new suit but I was so busy with everything else it passed me by. I had a 3 year old and a breastfeeding baby post surgery. And a funeral to arrange and a eulogy to write. I just assumed he would be able to buy his own clothes. I had enough on finding something vaguely smart and warm that didn’t hurt my stomach that I could breastfeed in to wear.

He’s normally ok but can be useless at times. He definitely thinks I should be over this

Musti Fri 14-Feb-20 13:04:30

What an absolute scumbag. Now odner you feel like that. Absolutely callous sad

RoxytheRexy Fri 14-Feb-20 13:08:10

That’s a large part of it @FetchezLaVache. He isn’t sorry at all and I don’t think he thinks that he has done much wrong. He thinks I should have found him something to wear and that he was justified in his behaviour. I spoke to him appallingly and I changed all the plans without him.

Apparently he has spoken to my sisters about it and they all agree with him. I don’t think that’s true. One sister certainly doesn’t and my other is a drinker that is very volatile so I haven’t discussed it with her

user1487194234 Fri 14-Feb-20 13:08:20

Would counselling help.It was a terrible thing to do,but might be worth trying to work through it.But obviously only if you want to

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud Fri 14-Feb-20 13:10:58

He thinks you should be over it?? What an uncaring tosspot. It's even worse that you don't have your mum to go and have a moan to about him.
Hugs to you, @RoxytheRexy

ScreamingLadySutch Fri 14-Feb-20 13:11:32

So he was feeling neglected that you didn't organise his clothes???

You have 3 children

Toria70 Fri 14-Feb-20 13:11:55

Anyone who picks an argument with someone on the day they are saying goodbye to a parent is an absolute arsehole. Pondscum.

I think people show their true colours in times of stress - you needed support, he couldn't give you it.

That's not love. That's cruel.

AFistfulofDolores1 Fri 14-Feb-20 13:13:05

I'd also suggest counselling, but with a strong view towards working it through while ending it.

RoxytheRexy Fri 14-Feb-20 13:15:01

It does feel like that. When discussing it previously I’ve pointed out to him that he owns a smart phone and works next to a city centre! I don’t know why he couldn’t have just sorted it himself. Im still mystified by it now. I just feel like I’ve seen this side of him that isn’t who I thought he was

DonnaDarko Fri 14-Feb-20 13:16:38

He's a grown man, he can buy his own fucking suit.

I am furious on your behalf. If DP did anything like that to me, it would have been over from that moment.

Justtryingtobehelpful Fri 14-Feb-20 13:23:48

It sounds like he was wanting to put your focus back on him. When you didn't play ball, I. E. Back pain, he upped the ante with the childcare fight.

Claiming your sisters agree sounds like a red flag. Challenge him on it.

I bet he's lying. It's tactics to keep you off balance. Are these the only issues? You say he can be useless at times, or is it strategic uselessness?

Brokenbutgettingtherenow Fri 14-Feb-20 13:24:00

You poor poor girl. Nobody deserves this. I can really relate to the feigning illness to avoid doing something with/for you, making things awkward for you subtly but deliberately. And it is deliberate, I can assure you of that. Sadly, one thing I have learnt on my journey through life alongside a man like this is that they seldom change. The very least you deserve is his acknowledgment that his actions were so wrong and of course a heartfelt apology. But even then, for me, it would be far too little and way too late. Try to be strong and break away or he will wear you down as he continues with this type of behaviour. If he can do that to you on the day you needed him most .... Think deeply and put yourself and your little ones first.
All the best

RoxytheRexy Fri 14-Feb-20 13:25:52

Well exactly! I’ve never bought his clothes or sorted anything like that for him but apparently the week before it was my job?

I just feel so completely bewildered by it still. We have been so busy this year. Sorting and selling my mums house and our eldest starting to school. Plus baby and me going back to work following maternity leave. We barely speak some days and we have had sex 3 times since I gave birth.

He really wants to move house, Max our finances and get a proper dream home. I don’t at all. Our house is affordable, possibly with just me at the minute. It’s by my work and the kids school. I don’t want to move and Max everything up to our eyeballs

Waterandlemonjuice Fri 14-Feb-20 13:25:58

I’m sorry for your loss. You’ll be happier without him.

Brokenbutgettingtherenow Fri 14-Feb-20 13:35:39

Wow, this is just what I had with my ex, wanting to get the big house etc. It would have been largely off my back too, I was really reluctant. He had a massive strop once on holiday because I had leisurely packed my own suitcase as we were due to leave the next day but hadn't done his(!) He was massively precious to his mother, still is, and she makes every excuse for him under the sun. Once, exhausted and at the end of my tether doing everything for our two toddlers, up at half five every morning while he lay in bed etc, I begged his parents to have a word with him, tell him how he needed to get a job. His mother looked me in the eyes (I'd known this woman since I was at school by the way - obviously I was worth nothing to her) and told me he'd had a part time job in 1996!. If I hadn't been so utterly on my knees, I'd have laughed in her face. (This conversation was about 18mths ago). I've left him now and leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. So much history with him, the children, family home. But abuse like that it breaks you in the end. So I became a statistic and legged it, with my babies in one hand and two bags of our stuff in the other. Best thing I ever did, as now we are safe and free and happy. I really hope you can find the strength to leave too. Wishing you all the very best, and so so sorry for your loss.

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