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If your oh of two years tells you he is very selfish..

(137 Posts)
supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 11:39:23

And is not sure about having children in the future, wwyd?
I would like a child or two. I am in late twenties. He is mid thirties. Otherwise the relationship is perfect .

yousawthewholeofthemoon Fri 14-Feb-20 11:42:56

I think he is being sensible telling you now rather than further down the line.

Wallywobbles Fri 14-Feb-20 11:46:58

Id believe him and move on.

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 11:50:20

What if you loved him ?

RositaEspinosa Fri 14-Feb-20 11:51:48

Which do you want more, to be with him or have children? Because at some point you’re going to have to make a choice.

Musti Fri 14-Feb-20 11:52:37

I think it needs further discussion and maybe a deadline for you to decide whether to stay with him or go if he still doesn't want children.

ComtesseDeSpair Fri 14-Feb-20 11:52:45

Then have to decide whether you love him enough to potentially go without children. He’s being honest: he isn’t sure. He might change his mind, he might not. But you have to assume that he might not.

minipie Fri 14-Feb-20 11:53:19

Sadly, I would listen to him. Absolutely don’t have a child with him. Either stay with him and accept no DC, or split.

The first option carries the significant risk that he splits up with you in 8-10 years and it’s too late for you to start over with someone who does want DC. This happens a lot.

SandyY2K Fri 14-Feb-20 11:53:43

I'd thank him for letting me know and end the relationship, as I wouldn't want to give up having children for a selfish man.

steppemum Fri 14-Feb-20 11:55:24

he is giving you the choice, him or kids.

Sadly, that is probably not going to change

marchez Fri 14-Feb-20 11:56:45

How is not wanting kids selfish?

At least he said now, instead of when it is too late.

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 11:57:01

I'm terribly conflicted because we adore one another and are nearly living together.
I have never felt like this about a man before but he is selfish and I can accept that is the way he is. I would love kids and they were always part to f the master plan but I think I love him more.
If he changed his mind I would have to accept that he will remain selfish.selfish men dont change do they?
Could a baby change him

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 11:57:03

I'm terribly conflicted because we adore one another and are nearly living together.
I have never felt like this about a man before but he is selfish and I can accept that is the way he is. I would love kids and they were always part to f the master plan but I think I love him more.
If he changed his mind I would have to accept that he will remain selfish.selfish men dont change do they?
Could a baby change him

BertieBotts Fri 14-Feb-20 11:58:30

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 11:59:39

It but enjoy that he is selfish for not wanting a baby. He is selfish full stop.
I think his main teason for not wanting a baby is his selfishness. He doesn't see himself giving up his freedom or life restyle for a baby.

Dixiechickonhols Fri 14-Feb-20 12:00:33

No be grateful he is telling you now not age 35. Calm conversation you are wanting children but appreciate his honesty better to end now. No joint house or marriage to dissolve.

StrikingMatches Fri 14-Feb-20 12:01:08

His selfishness may seem part of his personality now and adorable in a quirky way, but as he ages that selfishness will become more pronounced. Regardless of whether children feature in your future he will most likely always prioritise his needs and wants over yours. I would listen very carefully to what he is saying now as he is telling you who he really is.

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 12:01:23

It is he who is 35.

minipie Fri 14-Feb-20 12:05:00

Could a baby change him

No. You will notice his selfishness far, far, far more if you have a baby together, and you will resent it. And he will just say “well I did tell you”.

Not wanting to give up freedom and lifestyle is a perfectly valid and sensible reason for not wanting DC. He is being reasonable and at least he has thought about the reality of having DC. You just want different things, sadly.

Nowayorhighway Fri 14-Feb-20 12:07:26

Most men know whether they want children or not in their mid thirties, he has clearly decided it’s not for him. If you want children, I’d leave him and find someone on the same page as you.

pinkyredrose Fri 14-Feb-20 12:07:42

Why would you willingly give a child a selfish father?

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 12:08:46

At times he does prioritise his needs. I like a man to take control and organise things but I notice that as the relationship grows, he takes it upon himself to organise stuff like dates without discussing with me at times that work our him. He also decides when he is free to meet me because he gives silly excuses not to meet me if he just wants time alone, rather than be truthful and tell me he needs time alone.

MerryGrinchmas1 Fri 14-Feb-20 12:09:30

I think kids is a deal-breaker.
I know a man who said this and strung a friend along for years, all for him to jump ship and have kids with the next woman that he got with. My friend was devastated and almost left it too late to have children. Luckily she did but she has struggled with being an older mother.
If he is adamant that he doesn't want children then I would have a long hard think about what you really want.

MashedSpud Fri 14-Feb-20 12:16:14

He’s saying “I’m too selfish for kids so if one comes along don’t expect me to be a dad to it. I’m not lifting a finger and don’t you whine about pregnancy symptoms either. I’ll rarely see the kid because I’ll be off doing single man things.”

Do you think he’ll help fund the therapy your child will need as an adult?

supersonicspender Fri 14-Feb-20 12:17:12

He is not adamant but doesn't think that's what he wants. Bottom line is he's not sure and I'm not sure whether to stay with him and not have a child or leave .I love him very much.

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